3 10 03

Let me start off by saying that a lot of things have changed in my life
since I last got a chance to write anything about myself. I've learned
quite a few things, and I think in a lot of ways, discovered how little I
know about the majority of what goes on in the world. In a lot of
ways I've realized that I was arrogant, over estimating my own
knowledge. All that I ever accomplished by thinking I knew
everything I needed to know was make myself look naive.

There are a lot of factors that have played into my revelation. My
exposure to the world has been especially prominent as of late; I've
been meeting a lot of new people, and learning the fact that you
can't really trust anyone. It's horribly depressing, but I can't trust
anyone. Not even my closest friends. Not even a lover. No one, they
all have the ability and mind to hurt me when it benefits them. I
suppose at some point I may find someone that won't be malicious
or self-serving, I may even know them already and not realize it, but
for now all I can say is that I'm disappointed in the lack of honesty
that the human race seems to have.

3 23 03

Happiness abounds in every corner today! I had a great time last
night and because of it, I'm all smiles today. In fact, reading what I
wrote just thirteen days ago, I'm not quite sure what I was thinking.
That often happens to me, I'll look back and wonder what was going
through my head when I spew out a bunch of negative energy like I
did in the last post. It's as though something wells up inside me and
I start feeling as though everyone has betrayed me when in reality
all that's happened is I'm upset about someone being immature. I
won't name names, but suffice to say, certain people haven't been
the most upstanding of friends with me. In fact, a few people really
need to get their heads out of their asses.

3 24 03

Today has been a very long day.

I worked two hours of over time because two people decided to call
in sick. I know they weren't really sick because I answered the
phone when they called, it's not like there's anything I can do about
it. After the eighth hour of being on the cash register, you start to
grow a little bit weary. I don't know if people can see the way I
become an automaton after that amount of time, or if they even
care about it. I do know however, that I'm getting really tired of
having to cover for other people's irresponsibility. On that subject;
it's very rare to find people that are actually responsible. A lot of
people will tell you they are going to do one thing, then end up never
getting around to doing it, or go off to do something else. It's always
habitual, never incidental. Perhaps I'm complaining too much about
the job I've applied to do, but last time I checked, these people
were hired to do the exact same tasks I'm doing, yet they're not.

Besides work, nothing really of note happened. I tried to do my
laundry but when I went down to the mat, every washer and dryer
was full, and there were several laundry baskets full of dirty cloths
on the counter waiting in line for an open washer. It would be very
nice to have a larger facility available to the residents of the
apartment complex, but I don't see that happening anytime in the
near future, if ever. One thing that peeves me to this day; when we
moved in, we were promised an apartment with a washer and dryer
already in it, yet when we were signing the lease agreements, we
were suddenly informed that the apartment that was promised to us
was given to someone else and we'd have to settle without a
washer & dryer if we wanted to move in. To say the least, it was
bogus. I'm sure they had no intention of ever giving us the
apartment they promised; instead they just used it to bait us into the
agreement.

I don't have the mental strength right now to continue writing. I'm
going to bed. I hope "someone" calls me tomorrow. Emphasis on
the "someone".

3 27 03

I start writing this after midnight. That makes it the 28th, but since
I'm reporting on the events of the 27th, I figure it's best to label this
entry as such.

I've decided that I'm going to focus more on my job. It's not much,
but it's a distraction from the fact that I don't have much of anything
else going on. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting a lot of my
potential. I don't want to be a businessman; I don't want to be a
millionaire. I just want to feel like I'm making an impact, a
difference. That people know me for doing something worthwhile,
something they admire. Standing at a cash register for eight hours
a day isn't really something that the general populous ranks very
highly. I can't say I blame them either, I can't say I even rank it.

However I still feel like there is something more to me underneath
the surface. I have this well of energy that's all pooled up inside,
ready to be tapped. If I were just given the opportunity, I could use it
to do whatever I had put in front of me. The things that really matter
aren't often laid out in front of me.

People talk about advancing in their lives, earning more money,
buying better things, living better lives. But they seem to always
plan to achieve these things through very mundane paths. I know
my aspirations are futile in this respect, but it'd be nice to not have
to follow those same paths. I can always dream. Speaking of which,
I'm heading to bed, I've got to get up at eight tomorrow.






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