This November, millions of Americans will be voting to decide who will lead our country into the year 2008. I feel it is important, as an informed citizen, to give you, the American public, some information about our candidates that you may not hear on CNN or CSPAN. I'll start with the Democratic candidate for President, John Kerry, and then follow with President Bush, point by point. ORIGINS: Simply, Kerry is an alien. The only explanation for his ridiculously long face is that he comes from the planet Saturn, where the gravity is so great that his skull has been pulled so that it now is approximately 47 inches from chin to crown. As for Bush, he's from Texas...enough said. KERRY 1, BUSH 0. PUBLIC SPEAKING: Kerry uses words that normal Americans haven't even fathomed...e.g. "proletariat". What the hell is that? There is only one way he could possibly know some of these sesquepedilian phrases...they aren't really English...it's his native tongue of French that slips out once in awhile (they speak French on Saturn). As for Bush, he makes words up. I'd rather have an idiot than a Frenchie any day...KERRY 1, BUSH 1. And now the tiebreaker...LIFE BEFORE POLITICS: John Kerry starred on the hit sitcom "The Munsters" before being drafted in 1647. After boot camp, John fought in the Civil War and was hailed a war hero. He assassinated Hitler and killed a quarter of a million Redcoats. Very impressive, but Bush has him beat. "W" was a party animal and a drunk in his younger years. A man after my own heart...KERRY 1, BUSH 2. That does it, my recommendation for president is George Bush. I can't say I'll be voting for him personally, (I'm not an idiot), but I can say that you should simply because of the obvious facts that I have presented here.