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sunday, february 2, 2003

this is an excerpt from my hand-written journal:

today dad and i got in another fight. when came back to apologize, i told him what i've been fighting back for a year now. i told him that he's made me almost kill myself three times in the past year, and maybe i shouldn't live with him anymore. i didn't say it like i was mad, i said it in between sobs.

i'm still crying. he sat there with a far-away look for a while, and then left. i hope he doesn't do anything crazy to himself or to me. i hate myself right now, because i know i hurt him badly.

in my worst dreams, i've always gotten taken away from my parents. now it's like i actually want to be. but i don't.

i hope they just make me see a psychologist or something. i don't want anyone to take me away. i'm just wishing that someone will wake me up from this nightmare soon.

by the way, i almost stabbed my wrist with a fork earlier this morning.

LATER:

everything is fine now. i think. my mom told me that if anywone were to leave, it'd be dad. and if anyone were to see a psychological docter, it'd be dad. for anger management. i don't want him to leave, but i'd rather have it be him than me.

after laying in my bed for about six hours, mom came home and we went to cracker barrel, and got pancakes. mmmmm, pancakes. we also got jellybeans in the "country" store. then we left and went to target. i got some glitter shit, and some eyeliner that i love. i can't wait to get it in another color... pink perhaps.