Well, dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians!
13th day of June the year of our Josh, 2003
Well, I just got back from my cousins’s biblr school program. I was once again bound and gagged in a forcible pursuit to get my into a church at least once a year. This is a fruitless attempt and changing my wicked ways, helping me see the light, bla bla fucking bla. Anyhow, as a result of this experiance, I have concocted two rants for you reading enjoyment. Here we go...
1) The Brainwashing of Small Children by Religion: Bible school. A prime example of the attempts of the church in it’s generalization to scare the population into believing that someone other than the government is watching their every move. In the words of Loki, my hero, “Organized religion destroys who we are or who we can be by inhibiting our actions and decisions out of fear of an intangible parent-figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says ‘No, no’!” Another example, my cousin Trenton, who is 6 years old, this is his first year in bible school, but he’s been going to church for most of his life, came up to me at the program and said to me, “You’re a sinner!” Like he was shocked! I was absolutly outraged. I was raised in this particular church until the time I was 12 when I denounced religion because of the thought that homosexuality was a crime against god. I know that according to the bible, everyone is a sinner, but what actually constitutes a sin? Well, I’ll tell you what christianity, catholosism, all of it calls sins... Man’s Carnal Nature. Live or Die. Eat or Be Eaten. Survival of the Fittess! It’s what human beings were supposed to do, but for some messed up reason, some self righteous bible-thumper who thinks that just because some figment of society's imagination says that it is wrong, that they should prevent everyone else from thinking for themselves! It’s ludacris! I mean, churches are afraid that people will be running around having sex with whoever they want to, and with contraception the way it is, I don’t see why it’s like that. I just don’t get religion and why they say “NO!” to everything that primitive man did naturally. I’s natural to have sex, but they don’t want you to do it. It’s nautural to indulge you fantasies, and have fantasies to induge, but they don’t want you to do it! I’m not going to go to some self-righous man to tell him all my dirty little secrets, just so at night he doesn’t feel so bad about having “thoughts” of his own. Hello! Good example right there! your “Men of God” are chastised for having thoughts that to the rest of society are perfectly natural! I mean, fuck! Anyhow, I just don’t understand why it’s wrong. Bible-thumpers can point out to you that is IS worng but the only reason they can give you is because “God said so.” Well, I don’t believe in YOUR god, so bite my ass!
2)Okay, this one’s a little shorter. And it’s funnier. Here it goes. After the program, I was talking to the preacher’s wife, and of course, Trenton was clinging on to me... he spends more time with me than he does his own mother for crying out loud! Anyhow, he has an older brother, Austin, who is 9. So, the preacher’s wife turned to me and said, “Are you Austin and Tranton’s mother?” Meanwhile I laughed my ass off, and said, “No, I’m only 16. I’m their cousin!” It was quite funny. So, anyhow... what am I supposed to do about these people confusing me for a 30-something? I mean, 20-something, MAYBE.... Next, this guy, Andy... ooo hottie hottie hott hott! Anyhow, he was talking to me grandmother, and he said, “This isn’t Annie, is it?” (Annie is my mother’s name.) And my grandmother looked at me and was like “No, this is Danielle.” He was all like “Oh my gosh! Really? Wow!” So, totally flattered. He was flirting with me... totally my type. He said something about needing to gain weight cause he was only 165. And I’m like “I’d KILL to be 165 again.” and he laughed and he said, “Oh, no... you’re perfect” (Wipes up the drool) Yeah, that’s it... I’m happy now!
3) So, I lied, I have one more. This one’s kind of mean/funny though... Trenton adores me, And his mother hates the fact that whenever they go anywhere and I’m there, Trenton is talking to me, and playing with me. And we have serios talks, that kid is smart for 6! Like the other day we talked football, it was great! The kid is amazing! So he was playing with my spikes (I wore my leather halter top, my silver jacket and my black commando pants, spiked my hair, and wore black make up) and my earing which are like 2 inch diameter hoops. And his mom, Angie was like “Trenton, get back over here!” and he was flatly refusing. She was getting pissed! After the program, I was carrying him around and she kept yelling at him, and when he got down to go run around with his friends, I walked over to her and was like “You just can’t stand it that he wants to be with me, and not you. Look at it this way, maybe i’ll rub off on him.” and she was like “That’s what I’m afraid of.” And I said, “What, that he’ll think for himself instead of having YOU think for him? If that’s a bad thing, I don’t know what society is coming to.” And walked off. Yeah, I know... go me!
So, that’s all... later.
Song: “Beautiful People” Marilyn Manson
Quote: “Uh huh... right!”
Word: “Frinkazoid!”
8th day of June the year of our Josh, 2003
Well, all's well. surprisingly. Nothing to complain about. Been writing all day. fun stuff... that's about it. Gott go update my profile. Loving ya's
Song: "Losing Grip" Avril Lavigne
Quote:"I like pretty boys who smoke and know how to fire a gun!"
Word:"Wicked!"
5th day of June the year of our Josh, 2003
The hell... I don't get myself anymore. I mean, (sorry to plague ou with my issues) I really can't figure out if I like guys or not. I mean, I was really close to having sex with Frank last night and I just didn't. I freaked out. I don't know. I have no fucking clue. Why me? No, honestly, why the hell do I get stuck with all of these problems? Haven't I don't enough for you people? I love talking to him. I could talk to him forever, but everything else is just... weird. And I feel shit guilty for having to tell him that hey, I just want to be friends. And then I think that maybe I freaked out because I have no clue what I'm supposed to say. I mean, I knew. But I repressed all of THOES memories because, let's face it, I totally picked the worng guys to go out wit in the past. And if I didn't know how to sucessfully repress memories then I'd be dead by now. I would have ended it all a long time ago. Not that I haven't tried or anything. I mean. 15 attempts so far and a scar from my elbow to my wrist that probably will never go away. But my attempted suicide isn't the topic of this. So, maybe that is the problem. Maybe I just need some one to show me what i'm supposed to do. And that would require me to ask him, and you know how shy I am about thoes sorts of things... God. This sucks really bad. I just wish I had a guy friend who i trusted who would show me what I supposed to do. No strings attached. I confuse myslef. I confuse everyone around me. I just need a really good therapist who I can see whenever I get a problem like this. I wish I could talk to Sarah, but I just don't know. She probably doesn't know what I'm going through and couldn't give ant good advice. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!!! I can't even write anymore because of this. I mean, my mind keeps going back to yesturday... time to repress some more memories. Dammit! This is why I can't think half of the time. Because I have so much shit backed up in there that I just don't want to remember! I blame it all on men now. From now in it is all the fault of men. I hate men. Now I just need to get over the obstical of ridding my mind of all of this shit. I mean, what do I do? Un-repress and accept the fact that i've been continually forced to do things that I don't want to do because my boyfriends are ass holes who don't know what "no" means? I don't think that I'm strong enough to do that. Oh well... I'll see what today brings. Loving you
Song: "Do It With Madonna" The Androids
Qoute: "I hate my life"
Word: "GAH!"
4th day of June the year of our Josh, 2003
Hello? Who are you? GAH! Boredomn strikes again! While I'm out finding a cure for writer's block, perhaps i should find one for boredom... So... right. Anyhow... I think Frank is actually going to go to the reunion with me. Asked him last night. He said that I would have to make up for it (whee! sex!) And I'm supposed to go out with him this afternoon. I have to call him at 4:00 to see if we're both free... funness... I want to take him to Dairy Queen and introduce him to my friends! Hehehe! Anyhow. I'll check back when I get home. Loving you's
Song:"It's About Life" Lilix
Quote: "I want a monkey!"
Word: "Hell!"
3rd day of June the year of our Josh, 2003
So... How is everyone today? Good? Yes, well... I still have writer's block in case anyone is curious. Anyhow. I had therapy yesturday and personally, I think that we've hit something. I really understand myself more that I did before. I mean, I really am a cocky as I seem to everyone else. I just know how to be socially acceptably. Yeah, call me a poser, but I really don't want to tick anyone off, I just want to be myself. And trust me, nobody else wants me to be myself in public. You know what else? I really really like Vanilla Coke! VAnilla Coke and Flamin' Hot Cheetoes. Yeah... that's pertty kickass! So, the 20th I have a fmaily reunion and I don't know whether I should ask the boyfriend (frank) or the brother (dave) or the girlfriend (angela). Prolly not the girlfriend, and Dave prolly won't go. Neither would Frank for that matter. He will if I ask really nice. Oh well... Nothing more to say, I'll see if I can upload some quizzes or something today. Loving Ya's.
Song: "Fighter" Christina Aguilera
Quote: "See thoes rules? Yeah, the one's right there. Well, cut a hole in them and FUCK EM!"
Word: "Krunk"
1st day of June the year of our Josh, 2003
Jesus Josh, I really need to work on this ALOT more... it was may 5th on my last post, so I decided just to start all over again. There is never anything to say, so, deal with it. Added a new quiz to the quiz page. that's it. Love You!
Song: "Holy City" Edwin McCain.
Quote: "Yeah, that's my name. Use it sparingly."
Word: "Fuck!"
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