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The Freedom Kid

(Fade in on a white posterboard, hand-lettered in black Sharpie.)

Signage: This week on Violence...

(A newscaster-style baritone speaks in the background.)

Voice-Over: I am a carbon-based life-form.
I am the Liberator of Spotlight Syndicate Wrestling.
I like Jell-O.

(The crude sign is pulled out of frame with a rustling noise. Behind it is another.)

Signage: The face of Todd Lane will change forever.

(The voice resumes its impeccably-timbred monologue.)

Voice-Over: I have killed more minorities than Hurricane Katrina.
I have ruined more lives than breast cancer.
I'm a no-good, lying son-of-a-bitch.


Signage: This week on Violence...

Voice-Over: I am the Freedomator.
I am El Kidorino, if you're not into the whole brevity thing.
I am the Parma Heights Puffin.

Signage: ...the nation will change the channel during...

Voice-Over: I haven't won titles.
I haven't won tournaments.
I once won a spelling bee in the sixth grade.

Signage: ...the SSW debut...

Voice-Over: I have a silly gimmick.
I wear a silly luchador mask.
I'm a punk rocker.
I'm thankfully not Texan.

Signage: ...of...

Voice-Over: I am the often-imitated
Freedom Kid!

(The final sign is what appears to be an American flag, hastily scribbled together with Crayola Magic Markers. A beat passes, then the sign drops away to be replaced with the equally red, white, and blue mask of the Freedom Kid.)

Freedom Kid: Hello out there in TV land. My name is Freedom Kid. You may know me from such wrestling promotions as Ohio Wrestling League and Fire Pro National. I'm here today to talk about my opponents in my upcoming Spotlight Syndicate Wrestling match. For starters there's "Tormented" Jayson Child, who seems to be trying to encroach on my "Kid" schtick. What can I say about Jayson? Not much, other than that he'll be on the receiving end of a Freedom Rally before the night is out. But then there's Todd Lane...

(The Kid produces a stack of 3x5 pictures from the pocket of his jeans and begins to flip through them.)

Freedom Kid: Now, I seem to recall your saying that you're the "one and only" Todd Lane. So... you're this guy?

(Freedom Kid holds one of the pictures up to the camera.)

Todd Lane

Freedom Kid: Or was it this guy?

Todd Lane

Freedom Kid: Maybe this guy?

Todd Lane

Freedom Kid: No, wait, you must be this guy.

Todd Lane

Freedom Kid: Let's see, who else do we have in the Stack o' Lane?

Todd Lane?

Freedom Kid: Er, probably not that one, but maybe this one?

Todd Lane

Freedom Kid: That's right, Todd, you're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. Shit, man, you thought mispronouncing my name and pretending you'd confused me with a cartoon character would get to me? Fuck that noise. For every successful wrestler, there are about five goofy-looking motherfuckers with the same name. I know that. Maybe you didn't.
Either way, it's not going to fuck up my Christmas. For all I care, you can go into that ring expecting Magilla Gorilla or Hong Kong Phooey. What you're going to run into is one hundred and eighty pounds of red, white, and blue destruction, no chicken suit involved.
So come on, people...

Say you want a revolution.

(Fade to black.)