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A Brother's Promise: The Dan Jansen Story (1996)

(Brief summary of Scott's role:   He plays some hotshot/pervert named Andy.  He's friends with Dan Jansen--the speedskater.  I would give this movie negative stars if that were possible.   Sooooo bad. There's no way in hell that I'm going to rewatch it to write you an actual review, so here.  Settle for this running commentary that I wrote to Litigia while I was watching it.  My apologies for the non-sensical, non sequiter ramblings...not to mention any grammatical errors or whatever.)

 

ahhh, the dan jansen story!  his name just rolled on the credits.  at
least we have confirmation he's in the damned thing.  okay, i have a
bunch of shit about the jansens as kids.  bullllllllshit.  i don't
care.  if these kids performances are any indication of what the rest
of the movie is gonna be like, i'm in for a long couple of hours.  god
help me.  they suck dick.  where's scott?

awww!  there he is!  in tights!  in a red hat!  "god help us," says he.
oh my god.  look at his ass!  oh my god!  he's got the hots for
natalie--"the french canadian!"  bwah!  this is fucking hilarious.   he
says "man" a lot.  "you're road kill, man"  he's telling dan jansen to
loosen up and grow a penis.  okay, so he doesn't say that.  but he
might as well.  he's a big horndog.  rawr.  in a red hat with a pom-pom.

uh oh.  natalie has the hots for dan, i think.  moving onward.  dan
seems to have the hots for his sister.  oh yeah.  this is gross.  he's
about to jump his sister on the roof.  i miss scott and his hat!

i guess he got over his sister.  he and natalie are dancing around on
the ice.  blahblahblah....still no scott.  this movie sucks.  i miss
patric!  oh damn.  the sister has leukemia.  as though i care.  i am a
cold, insensitve bitch, but.....we already knew that.

okay.  we're in hamburg.  at a pub.  scott better be in this scene!
we've got accordian players in leiderhosen.  scott's drinking a HUGE
mug of beer.  scott says that he's starting to go to church again.
(because of the sister, i guess)  that's IT???  oy vey.  onward.

world championships.  scott, where are you?  dammit.  that was a waste. onto the olympics.  or not.  sister's funeral.  back to olympics.  my god, where the fuck is he?  this movie isn't good enough to hold my attention if he's not it.  my god.  make it end.  please.  this movie
sucks, sucks, sucks...i miss the rescuers!    please.  help me.   so, anyway---it's a nice day today.  is it still sleety and shit in texas?

OOH!  THANK GOD!  he's back!  they're talking about phone
bills---scott's is like $70---all the calls to his "sex therapist."
he's wearing  a turtleneck.  his hair is sort of wavy and floppy at the
same time.... nancy drew-esque.  he just licked his lips---- and he
called dan's new girlfriend--who's southern--"miss GRITS."  i love him!
the rest of the movie can suck my dick.

scott in a tux!  he just crossed himself!  but damn, that lasted like a
split second.  what a waste.

how long is this goddamned thing?  i can only take so much, even for
scott!  i had a good yoga class today.  lots of meditation.  i've never
felt so relaxed.  i almost fell asleep.  what should i have for dinner
tonight?  oh, dan jansen fell again.  there's scott!  in another
turtleneck!  he's sort of standing there, in skates.  i think he must
be afraid to actually skate---he must know how, but still...i just like to
imagine him, falling on his ass, laughing.  heeehee.  not that he
would, since he's perfect and all.  he could probably learn how to speedskate in like, oh, three minutes.  give or take.

speedy would make a good jesus, don't you think?  i know his toes
aren't all the same length or whatever, but still...he's got he same "son of god" (or "god," as it were) aura, don't you think?  he could pull it
off, no?  but in his version of jesus, jesus would have lots of sex.
with me.  it'd be an otherworldly type of sex, though--devoid of sin
and shit.  oh yeah.

why do speedskaters have to wear such ridiculous headgear?  who wears those headbands with the little snowflakes?  how very nordic!
anyway, i think i should take over the headgear design for speedskaters, that's all i'm saying.  i wanna play rugby.  i think that would be fun.  i wouldn't mind the bumps and bruises--badges of honor and shit.  hmm. just a thought.  i used to play speedskating on my computer.  it was this old piece of shit, but it had this "winter games" game---you could do ski jump and shit.....but speedskating was the most fun.  because you could like, run yourself into a wall...and if you were on the inside, you'd skate to the outside, and try to take out your competitor, too. man, those were the days.  speedy just hugged his coach.  he is such a good hugger....hot damn.  i bet that coach had to resist jumping his bones.  i know i would.

thank god.  it's over.  i can go kill myself now.


 

 


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