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                                                                        Bill Comes Back

                                            By Bill Dorrian

    The off season is over, and Computer Football season is finally upon us. Bill fans will be happy to hear that not only has the (tie-breaker) best of 39 series started, I've already taken a 3-2 lead. Punishing Jim in football is something that comes naturally to me, and has become a Fall tradition. I'm sure that most of you were wondering, "why doesn't Bill just destroy Jim and finish him off for good?" That's a good question, and certainly one that deserves an answer, since Jim has already started talking the usual trash that he can't back up. Actually, the season should have started immediately after I got my DSL connection three weeks ago. And believe it or not, the series would have already been completed by now, if not for Jim stalling and delaying the inevitable. For those of you not familiar with the reasons behind the unfortunate delays, here's a timeline of events leading up to now:

*   On August 2nd, I finally received my DSL modem and promptly and challenged Jim to a tie-breaker best of 39 series.

*  We both had time to get online on Saturday, but for some reason I couldn't connect to his computer, and he couldn't connect to mine through the Madden 2000 software, even after several tries.

*  Jim accuses me of ducking him. I accuse Jim of ducking me.

*  Since all of my programs except Madden 2000 and file transfers through MSN Messenger seemed to work, I immediately began to suspect that my modem was shipped "locked down", "fire walled", or basically set up to protect me from myself somehow.

* I called Bellsouth technical support the next day. This was on a Sunday afternoon, which should have been a good time to call. (The priests who normally jam up the technical support phone lines because they can't access the NAMBLA home page are busy molesting their altar boys at Sunday Mass instead.)

* 22.5 minutes later,  "Earl" from technical support finally answers.

* Earl is, how should I put this-oh yeah. Earl is a box of rocks. He put me on hold (literally) a dozen times. The conversation went something like this, although it lasted a lot longer than the time it will take to read this abbreviated transcript:

(A side note: I have legally changed my name to Bill Dorrian, Righter Of Wrongs, Punisher Of Evil, Computer Football Champion Of The Universe, or BD, ROW, POE, CFCOTU for short. It's like when Marvin Hagler legally changed his name to Marvelous Marvin Hagler. Sure, it doesn't roll off the tongue like "O.J." or "T.J.", but I think it'll catch on with my fans soon enough.)

BD, ROW, POE, CFCOTU: "I can't connect playing this game on the Internet against my little brother. Everything else works, including MSN messenger, Kazaa, e-mail, you name it. But not Madden 2000. Is there a way I can get into my DSL modem and check the settings to see if the port is blocked?"

Earl from Bellsouth Technical Support: "You can get on the Internet?"

BD, ROW, POE, CFCOTU: "Yeah."

Earl from Bellsouth Technical Support: "Then you're working fine."

BD, ROW, POE, CFCOTU: "No. See, I can get on the Internet. That's not the problem. I just can't play this game. I'm suspicious that I'm using Network Address Translation or I'm behind a firewall, because when I typed "winipcfg" from the Run menu, it said my IP address was 192.168.1.1, which isn't routable. ( Note: I know that sounded geeky to some of you who don't work in the computer field, but remember, it's this dude's (Earl's) job. He should have understood every bit of what I said.)

Earl from Bellsouth Technical Support: (The sound of flipping pages from the flow chart he has in his lap) "Okay, go to the control panel, then services..."

BD, ROW, POE, CFCOTU (Interrupting): "I'm using Windows ME, which doesn't have a "services" under Control Panel. You're looking at either a Windows NT, Windows 2000, or Windows XP troubleshooting manual."

Earl from Bellsouth Technical Support: "Please hold, sir." (Earl was way above his head at this stage of the game and was most likely consulting with a supervisor while he had me on hold.)

I was on hold for ten more minutes before Earl came back.

Earl from Bellsouth Technical Support: "Sorry about the hold, sir. Do me a favor: open up your browser and type this IP address in it: (gives me the IP address of www.yahoo.com ). Now hit enter."

BD, ROW, POE, CFCOTU (wondering where Earl is going with this): "Yeah. It's yahoo.com."

Earl from Bellsouth Technical Support: "Then you're working fine."

BD, ROW, POE, CFCOTU: "No, I'm not. I can't play Madden 2000 over the..."

Earl from Bellsouth Technical Support: "Please hold sir."

I was on hold for five more minutes.

Earl from Bellsouth Technical Support: "What IP address were you trying to connect to?"

BD, ROW, POE, CFCOTU: "195.23.199.177. But that was yesterday, and you only get an IP address when you're online, and he's not right now, so-"

Earl from Bellsouth Technical Support (Interrupting): "I can't ping or connect to that address. So there's your problem."

BD, ROW, POE, CFCOTU: "No. He's not online right now, so you won't be able to see him online, and IP addresses are different every time you connect to the Internet anyway."

    Needless to say, this went nowhere for another hour or so. After I was on the phone with Earl and the product support specialist for a combined total of about three hours, I gave up. I did figure out how to get into the modem though, and confirmed my suspicions about it blocking certain programs from working. 

    Still, no luck connecting to Jim. I was frustrated.

    Then, I got an idea. Christie still had a dial-up connection on her computer. I installed Madden 2000 on it and attempted to connect from my computer.

     It worked on the first try.

     I got online and chatted with Jim again to share the news.

     "The problem is probably on your end," I told him. He tried to pass the buck again, as usual. You know, the old, "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas" routine. In desperation, I suggested, "Doesn't Windows XP have some kind of firewall built into it to keep people from hacking you?"

     Jim paused for a second and stopped answering instant messages. "My bad...I think I f---ed up," he said.

     "My bad"? "My BAD"?  Jim screwed the pooch again, at my expense. Alas, one check of his firewall settings could've saved me a lot of trouble. I  could have already been on the way to cementing my legacy as the Greatest Computer Football Player Of All Time. But it seemed as though he had other plans - like delaying my inevitable victory.

     

                                          ...and this time, it's personal.

        The whole Bellsouth fiasco sent me into a rage. I cannot reason, think clearly, or enjoy Cheddar Cheese Combos anymore. Maybe it's because the snack bar at work doesn't actually have Cheddar Cheese Combos, and they aren't sold in stores where I live. Or maybe retardation is contagious, and Earl had somehow infected me with it through the phone. Either way, three hours on the phone with Bellsouth technical support is a punishment too cruel for anyone who to have to endure. I hear that the Geneva Convention rated it worse than having a red hot poker shoved up your ass.

          To right this wrong, I will punish Jim like he's never been punished before. It doesn't stop with the Bellsouth thing either. Oh, no...he had the nerve to write articles about how great a computer football player he is too, even after I stomped him time and time again.  He hopes that by saying he's the "greatest Computer Football Player Ever" over and over again, the fans will eventually believe it, regardless of the facts. To the weak-minded, (Non-Computer Football fans) perhaps this could work. The rest of us aren't buying it.

 

                                                            Jim, the choice of the Lowest Common Denominator.

    Jim underestimates the intelligence of the average computer football fan. I cringe when I hear things like, "Muhammad Ali was the greatest boxer ever", "Bob Dylan is a great songwriter", "Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive", or "Eating four whole sticks of butter a day might be bad for you". These statements, like the propaganda  in Jim's articles, started out as things that only a very small minority actually believed. But when they were repeated over and over again, over time, they became a kind of twisted "conventional wisdom", and somehow became "true". 

     I do know this, though: computer football fans are too strong-minded to fall into that kind of trap, and I at least give them credit for it. So keep talking Jim, because the fans (if any) know the truth. Just remember that the mindless sheep you do convert to your type of thinking are the ones I wouldn't want cheering for me anyway.

        This time, it's personal, Jim. I've been subjected to your lies and the torture of Bellsouth technical support. I won't forget this at game time.