07-14-03
3:46pm

i wish there was more on my mind than the same old cirlces of pain.
spun up into almost heaven. starry skies and spinning lights and a princess beside me.
same old fucking things. caught in the spiral again. like i never even left. the noise in my head feels just like home. i'm breaking.

listening to--> radiohead / there there

07-10-03
1:55pm

i would like a boy to fawn over and spoil and have a crush on.
any takers?
little things really do make my world go round.
i'm sad today.

listening to--> nirvana / frances farmer will have her revenge on seattle

07-08-03
2:11pm

i need jade. i love her. more than i can ever say so i usually don't even try. i wish i could vocalize something real to anyone but i just can't because i'm a sucker for love and no one loves you when you're vile and wretched. i need heath i need heath i need heath i need jade i need jade. we are all monsters. i want to crawl into jade's bed next to her and sleep and forget about everything exept her.
they've all seen the worst and they love me in spite of it. some even because.
someone... someone. someone. you understood. that's what i'll miss. you let me talk. thank you.

listening to--> the white stripes / cold, cold night

07-07-03
12:30

god fucking damn. i hate everyone. what did i have to gain? nothing. just pointing out that every word out of your mouth is a fucking lie. you are the most dishonest person i've ever met. you lie to the person you are supposedly in love with, you lie to everyone around you. you made up a million lies and bullshit about me. your whole tiny world is going to fall apart when they find out what a psychotic piece of shit you are. i have no reasons to lie. everyone has seen me down to the very vilest parts of myself. including you. and them.
IMPOSSIBLE TO TRUST? no, sweetheart, that's you. i told you something in confidence. we agreed that my reasons for completely distrusting her were going to stay between us. i thought you were kind of ok. i did actually want you to understand that she's a fucking liar and all the bullshit she could have said about me was just that. bullshit.
and desperate hey? actually, i think that was me.
well. glad to be out of that group of fucked up kids.
the thing is, i don't hate her. at all. i suppose i should have kept my mouth shut but i felt the need to defend myself. he wasn't worth it. whatever. at least i got laid.
i miss gina and jade and heath and robyn and becky and josh and rob and everyone else i call my friend. i love them all for their honesty and purity and for a million reasons on top of that. happiness is easy around them. sick sore wretched soul. forgotten in their embrace.
missing eden today... sometimes i do that. i'll love her as much as i did in that moment forever.

weekend: saturday afternoon in my favorite pub then saturday night spent in a sexy english boy's arms. sunday afternoon beer supplied by my dad, murder mystery madness, bottles of expensive wine, crazy boys phone numbers. drowning the sting of being thrown away again in a tub full of beer and a bottle full of wine.

i'm more sad about this than i will let on. i'll miss the late night e-rants. those were the best conversations i've had in ages.

listening to--> transplants / diamonds & guns

07-04-03
2:13

i want heath to curl up next to. i miss his hands face skin touch smell presence. all i want is heath and jade right now. i need them. i want to be near heath. i gave him half my soul. now i need him.
becky left and i miss her too fucking much. i broke skin. blood is a cure all. i want more. so much fucking blood. becky is a goddess. i feel empty now, without her here.
someone should smoke all my pot with me and take me to see matrix reloaded this weekend. i'll make it worth your while...


listening to--> revolution / ground zero

07-02-03
3:07

i need jade. i need heath. i feel like i'm being pulled in a million directions by a million people who all need something that i just don't fucking have. i need jade. i need jade. i need heath. i am alternately sick and wretched and hopeful and comfortable. i want blood. mine yours hers his. heath. jade. heath. jade. i am so empty. i am so lonely. she makes life feel like a fucking fairy tale. i adore her. i miss heath. heath and tori. bro's before ho's. he is forever. my love.
the events: drunken sex with a pretty boy. canada day spent in a sketchy park drinking too much vodka. canada day making out behind a dumpster in an alley. tim armstrong held my hand in his. his hands are perfect pretty calloused guitar playing hands. we sang "she's automatic" together. he looked at me and we sang to each other.

i am a nutjob today. i'm pretty sure it's just a really bad hangover.

listening to--> rancid / st. mary

06-28-03
12:51am

don't hate me.
moment of terror before the moment of truth.
i don't know myself at all but i want to.
you don't know me but you could. maybe you almost do. maybe you can help.
clarity.
answers that lead to more questions.

listening to--> a perfect circle / three libras

06-26-03
1:50pm

i'll never tell them who you are or who you've been. i'd like to keep you a secret. like walking in the dark. together.
comforted. gina moped with me in my room. we drank malibu rum in cokes and it was the first time in days that i felt ok. i'll keep all your secrets.
first good night's sleep in weeks. but i am still just tired. i see a light at the end of the tunnel though... i will press my hands agains this glass. it's time for these walls to shatter.
my thoughts are a jumbled mess. i think i could be happy...

listening to--> nada surf / sleep

06-25-03
4:21pm

increasingly intrigued. and oddly comforted.
maybe escape is not so impossible.

listening to--> the minks / van gundy

06-16-03
1:07pm

do you ever just feel like the gap between your actual self and public self is just too wide? mine aren't even fucking related. and with that, nobody loves me! they love someone entirely unrelated to who i actually am. really i am a dumb miserable girl with no clue as to how to feel better and the main focus in my life is the apocolypse that is happening in my brain and why it's happening and how the fuck do i stop it?
i get the feeling i am cracking up. but i've got no clue as to why. on the outside life is pretty good. got a pretty boy, several in fact, and perfect friends and a perfect family and house and a horse and good grades and i am a spoiled fucking princess bitch. i create this mess that ruins my life. self created puddle of pain.
hanging out with my best friends revealing something of what i've been feeling and i can see the looks across the room to each other "uh oh, tori is cracking up again. hide the razor blades and pull out the notebook. you think we can use this in a song?" so who can i tell? those are my best friends. and they sit and wait until i can pull myself together and present them my public self but i so badly want someone to love my actual self. that is why i cry and cry and cry to my boyfriends. i just want someone to say they love me however fucked up i get. but how does someone like that ask for love? i am rotton. the smell of rancid rotting flesh bites at my nostrils. i am a zombie girl. i have no spirit left. something vital is missing from my self. fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou. my skin is crawling like insects i want to crawl out of it.

listening to--> dfd / a corpse is a corpse

06-12-03
1:07pm

i adore this album. i love how cohesive it is, how nicely every song flows and melds together.
went on a walk with heath. i had almost forgotton how much i loved him... i mean i always know i love him but i realized again how much. a thousand truly happy moments where something mundane was absolutely miraculous in it's beauty. the moon hidden behind clouds. something as everyday as a sunrise was the most amazing thing i'd ever seen. sometimes i think i'll never love anyone more than i love heath and that makes me happy and at times that same thought terrifies me.

listening to--> afi / sing the sorrow

06-09-03
3:07pm

i love how you complain about your lips and forehead. they are my favorite parts of you. and your so-called "flaws" just add to your absolute physical perfection. you are so beautiful. soon i will memorise every inch of your body with my lips. but for now i'm enjoying getting to know whats beneath the skin, which is just as tantalising as the skin itself. maybe even more so. but i would never be able to decide.
in love with a girl. or at least madly crushing on her.

listening to--> hole / violet

06-05?-03
2:30pm

becky is sleeping curled in a ball on a chair. she looks like a kitten. everything is awful right now. except that becky's here. this is the only thing that's right. i want run away with her. and never ever ever come back. and live a house hidden in a valley and only ever come out at night and never have to see anyone else ever again. she gave me her scars. we are forever.

listening to--> afi / the despair factor

06-don'tknow-03
4:00pm

i suppose i don't blame you for not wanting me. i'm a mess. you've tainted me. but i was happy, when we were in love...
i can't seem to get back up. i am hanging off a dirty hook in a dim room empty of anything pleasing or comfortable. when you touch me it is almost painful. i flinch when you get too close or look directly into my eyes.
scratching the surface. blood pours down my amrs and legs. i am dirty and disgusting on the outside. i am dirty on the inside. pain is a sign of life. i like to see my own blood, it reminds me that i'm still here. i will stare at my own reflection into my own eyes until i figure out what's wrong.
i thought you were here to fix me.
i am no longer a recovering bulimic. i am a relapsing bulimic.
i can't seem to drag myself off the floor. every time i try and pull myself up i just end up hurting myself even more.
teenage angst glorified. teenage angst that's not going away. i thought everything would change when i turned 20. how naive of me. i don't know what i thought. i thought maybe i'd start growing up but i just can't seem to move.

listening to--> garbage / vow

06-02-03
2:15pm

i got my ego stroked a lot. cheap, maybe, but i like it.
this was the best morning i've had in about a month. thanks heath.
a boy on calgary punk thinks i'm hot.
i miss jade.
i miss gina.
i cut my thigh really really deep and had to get stitches and it hurts. and it sure was fun explaining that one.
a 27 year old rich guy is trying to sweep me off my feet. i'll let him try some more. it's fun being spoiled.

listening to--> garbage / #1 crush

05-31-03
4:55pm

you're such a fucking asshole. a 17 year old gothling who thinks she's so fucking dark and screwed up (fucked up, sorry FUCT up mess, disfigured) when she looks like the goddamn mall goth version of avril fucking lavigne. Love: i dont' believe in love. oh, woe is me, i don't believe in love anymore. i'm so jaded because my life thus far has sure been tough. shut up. you're 17 years old. what the fuck do you know? i'm 20 and i don't know shit. i guess i thought i knew it all at your age. you'll grow out of it. i'm so embarassed that i had the nerve back then to think i was jaded and that life was so bad. yeah, high school was a living hell. oh well, guess we shouldn't expect much more than the usual teenage angst at your age.
and so, asshole, what was i? a sort of pseudo girlfriend to keep you company until someone different came along? newer thinner prettier you are just like every other asshole boy. you're not what you pretended to be, you're just what everyone told (warned!) me about. you're so fucking sweet, you like me so fucking much. i believed every word from you and ignored every warning from them. but they were right i guess. now you want her around and you still want me in your life. you want me to BE YOUR FRIEND. you just want everything, don't you? and you don't deserve it. you don't deserve to be in the same room as me. you don't deserve the tears or the anger or even the space on this dollar store journal page. but i'm gonna give you whatever you'll take because all i really wanted was the be able to make you happy...

friday night favorite quotes:
"come on guys, making fun of a child? that's just cruel."
"dan was an illusion. deception."

so maybe we are immature and pathetic fucktards who don't know shit. nothing better to do with a half hour of our friday than make fun of a little girl. but hey, at least none of us date children.

listening to--> dog fashion disco/ vertigo motel

05-30-03
2:33pm

drop in my lithium levels? too much alcohol? who fucking knows. don't take all the credit. you just unleashed something else inside me.

listening to--> a perfect circle / three libras

05-somdedaywednesday-03
2:33pm

so i have a new friend and i don't really get why last week it was ok that i had a crush on him and now i've got to pretend like it's ok that we're just buddies now. not that i mind. he's amazing and i adore being around him. so i'll take what i can get. i just wish he wanted more.
this week is so awful. last week was so great and this week blows.
i binged and purged last night. it's been ages. i feel awful about it. but a part of me feels relieved too. hey i'm back on that boat might as well stay on it type feeling.
i'm so sad i don't know how to deal with it. i want out and i am wallowing in self pity. more like drowning i can't seem to pull myself out. i just want... out. you know what i'm thinking.

listening to--> afi / morningstar

05-25-03
3:13pm

over reacted. as usual. cried a lot. and laughed a lot. i do and feel everything in excess.
jade is delicious. i drank entirely too much beer with three beautiful girls last night. i wish every night was as happy as that. i wish every day was as happy as being with jade.
i miss dan. he's boy perfection. i'm all messed up today. damn hangovers.

listening to--> nothing

05-24-03
11:55am

my tummy is all queasy. did i do something wrong? i just missed you. i just like being around you. you're fun. you make me happy. we have fun together. we sat through lowrider weekend together. i just like hanging out with you. that's it. i hope i didn't scare you. i didn't want to. i'm sorry if you think i like you too much. i'm sorry if i'm paranoid.

and fuck. i know i wasn't good enough ok? why do you want to show me again and again? i think i should just stay away.
i'm can't stop crying. my tummy feels bad. i wish i was happy i hate being this sad.

listening to--> nothing

05-23-03
11:55am

i hate phone conversations that end like that. i miss you and i really want to see you soon... is that ok with you? i hope it still is. i like you a lot and i don't want it to freak you out i'd hide it better if i could but it's just fucking impossible.
i get to see my jade on saturday. i miss everything about her she always makes it better.

listening to--> nothing

05-17-03
11:58pm

prettiest boy ever and tori looking really stupid.

listening to--> fish tank

05-idont'knowwhatdayitis-03
2:00pm

i like dan. and i think i was stupid in front of him last night. and i hate being stupidly drunk. how embarassing.
people and their gossip.
i saw dylan the other day. it was comforting seeing his face because it still seems so familiar. but it kind of made me sad too. i hope his life is perfect.
i've been missing eden a lot suddenly. i liked sharing spring with her.

listening to--> rufus wainwright / danny boy

05-08-03
2:00am

my kitty has diabetes.
i love a girl named gina.
i miss a girl named jade.
a boy named dan still gives me butterflies and i want to curl up beside him in his bed and forget the boy i'm walking away from. i never thought we'd grow apart like this i thought you owned half my soul and all my heart and now i am wanting more in my world than what you can give.

yesterday: $40 to my drugstore addiction.
$150 to my clothes and lingerie addiction.
$90 to my cd addiction.
$20 to my sunglasses and wristband addiction.
a girl with a mastercard is a dangerous thing.

listening to--> afi / silver and cold

04-30-03
12:47am

i like first kisses that you had to wait for that you were scared would never happen.
i hate exboyfriends that think they even know a fucking thing about you. like they're so smart they can read you as easily as a book. you are right when you say that i didn't give up much of myself to you but you'll never know what i didn't give. i'm good at hiding things. i certainly loved you. i never fucking liked you though. fucktard. anyway i was too young back then to even know a fucking thing. i mean i'm clueless and confused as to who i am now. back then i was even more confused.
weak kneed smitten so happy i am having trouble stringing full sentences together.

listening to--> the smashing pumpkins / adore

04-26-03
11:17am

there is this boy and he makes me smile.
i liked the snow a lot because i like being curled up and warm while it's snowy out.
there's this other boy and he writes me poems and i love them more than anything.
and then my darlingest boy who had his chance who didn't take it. too bad for you. fucker. next time you like a girl, or some girl likes you, you shouldn't take it for granted because your beautiful exgirl you never loved her half as much as you did when she left you. you should stop being so self involved. and pay attention to what you've got when you've still got it. i'm glad you never wanted me though because if you had i'd be missing out right now so it's for the better i guess just remember for next time.

listening to--> the smashing pumpkins / adore

04-26-03
11:21am

heath got a kitten. it's black and named holden.
heath is like family.
and that is why he gets away with being rotton sometimes.
it's 1:23pm in new york right now. i really do miss jade like witch baby missed angel jaun. i dreamt that the locket broke and then i woke up and cried but i don't know why i felt so bad because it was just a dream.

listening to--> afi / silver and cold

04-24-03
5:03pm

i like cuddling you in public. i like cheap beer. i like it better when it's actually cheap.
i am over emotional. i overreact a lot.
life's not that bad. actually right now it's almost perfect...
you fucking fucker. you make me want to throw myself off a cliff sometimes, whenever i look back on it all. you make me want to be distrustful and antisocial and closed off but i'd never get to be close to anyone if i was like you and didn't trust a fucking person. i guess you were right to be distrustful of me... it always felt like you were hiding something. it creeped me out and made me paranoid. i guess we just never fit did we?
two lovebirds holding hands at a tool concert. were we really lovebirds or were we just both using each other to fix ourselves? i guess it doesn't matter anymore but i'll never ever forget you because you held my hand at tool and that was the best night of my life and you were there for it right with me. i can't believe that i think about something as trivial and silly as a CONCERT almost every day. but if you were me you'd know there's more to it than that. and what else matters but little things. they make up your entire day.
sitting on a log sharing cheap beer.

my dad:
-due to a company expansion now has full use of the husky lear jet. he is in vancouver for the day with some other yuppies. they flew all the way to vancouver just to eat at some japanese restaurant.
-has been saving money for around a million years to buy a 13 bedroom mansion.
-has ten cars.
-will be buried with all his money. this makes me sad. i wish he was a happier person.

vivid memories: exactly how maynard looked at the concert when he had his back to the crowd. how sober sounds live. how you look up close up inside your car. the day we made our suicide pact. first suicide attempt. jesse's voice. drinking around a fire beside the river. how pretty you look when you sleep. smoking pot on a hill with you the first time we got stoned together. snoop concert the first night i fell in love with you. the day you broke my heart. the night you fixed it. mr. bryan "i am beautiful." perfect quiet. seeing you after not seeing you for so long.

i love all my friends so much. maybe too much sometimes. at any rate it's uncomfortable loving people when you feel unlovable. but i'm glad for all of them. past and present.

listening to--> tool / sober

04-24-03
5:03pm

trying to study but panicking instead. not even just about school. thinking i ate too much sushi last night and then i had pizza today. typical girl thinking i need to lose weight.
i like dan and jade because i always feel beautiful next to them. i think i have a tummy. my dad makes me feel like crap.
hearing about other girls who were bulimic makes my heart break. hearing my dad tell me i'm fat makes me long for the days i was thin. isn't that awful. it was at my unhealthiest. MY UNHEALTHIEST, DAD. and he asked me why i couldn't still be thin like that. well dad, first of all i was only 14 and now i'm 20 and second of all because i had an EATING DISORDER. sorry i'm disappointing i never wanted to disappoint you but now maybe i don't care because sometimes you are just so fucking stupid and clueless and an asshole. i love you anyway. but i wish you still liked me instead of being disgusted by me. you do still claim to love me sometimes.
i'm sorry for not being particularily cute or witty or brilliant or smart or beautiful. i'm just tori.
tori who misses dan. i want to cuddle him forever and make sure no one ever makes him feel bad again. we could curl up underneath trees and stars alone and no one would ever fuck with us again. we could be happy.
everytime i'm unhappy i feel guilty for not being happy because my life is really really fucking easy. i don't have much to complain about i guess so i should stop whining and stop feeling bad but i just can't today.
ENOUGH.

listening to--> the smashing pumpkins / love

04-24-03
3:28pm

the pieces are coming together again. but in the middle of all this happiness i still feel something inside me like a storm waiting to wash it all away. have i tricked myself with false "progress"? sometimes the littlest thing makes me feel like i am falling backwards like i'm still the crazy girl in the hospital hiding razorblades in a hollowed out teddy bear. will i always be so scared to change...?
i hope he always knows he'll be my best friend forever and that i wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him. i wouldn't be here to have this sillyridiculouslame crush that makes me SO HAPPY. and i owe a million years of happiness and happy moments to him. i hope that everyone that i ever called my best friend or sister or soulmate knows that even if we never talk again i'm forever thankful that our paths crossed at least once. and that we got to be soulmates or best friends or whatever. i don't think true love has to last forever for it to be real. but i hope someday i find true love that lasts forever.

listening to--> the smashing pumpkins / we only come out at night

04-22-03
1:12pm

dan sparkes makes me hot. but i hate sharing and he's a big tease.
and i miss him SO MUCH.

listening to--> the virgin suicides / gina and i are watching it

04-22-03
1:12pm

he's perfect. and i'm smitten. in the lamest way possible.
my heart got all hurt SO BAD on the weekend and then he fixed it. i hate how little things completely break my heart. but i love when someone fixes it.
i love how your skin feels. and how comfy it is the bury my face in your neck. and how we were so small and alone surrounded by trees and mountains and moonlight, comepletely insignificant to the whole entire planet. we were insignificant together. and how i never have to wish i was pretty around you. and how you're so beautiful and perfect and wonderful without even realizing it.
told you it was lame. i just got 8 tubes of blood taken from me. it's quite the intense buzz.

listening to--> tool / h

04-10-03
7:01pm

i am smitten with a boy that ISN'T HEATH and HE'S SO PRETTY and i wonder if he thought about me this week half as much as i've thought of him? and i want to see him again because he was SO FUCKING WONDERFUL.
and in a moment of clarity i think i realised what it is that i really want from heath. or i could just be confused again by the introduction of that amazing boy but it was far too perfect of a night... and he's too too perfect and i want to play with him. and i want to kiss him but i haven't yet and having hair brushed off your face while sitting in a dark car has to be the best feeling in the world and i can't remember last time i had a crush like this so i don't know what to do. but it just fell into my lap. i want to see him again. he's perfect perfect perfect. a dream.

new pictures. all boys named dan are pretty, i think...

listening to--> evanesence / my immortal

04-03-03
9:19pm

my love is a bloodstain. i just spent half an hour with jade the girl i'm adoring more than anyone else right now, and i hate myself, because i love her but i am also SO JEALOUS of her beauty, outer and inner, and her brilliance and she is so sexy without meaning to be. she's perfect. and i'm so envious. is that awful of me? i am not resentful towards her and i certainly don't dislike her for her perfection but i feel invisible next to her. because she is like a vampire. a beautiful vampire. she sucks the attention away from everyone else in the room and she is not even aware and i will never be able to do that. not that i'd want to, or would know what to do with all that attention if i had it...
loving you is so easy. we lock like a cheesy sparkly purple locket.
the boys adore us. maybe i shouldn't be so envious. it's not like i've got nothing. it's just that i wish i had a little more something. but i've got you, and i've got him and i think it's all i ever dreamed of.

listening to--> AFI / god called in sick today

04-03-03
1:39pm

i hate rob. but i love him. sometimes i wonder what he's doing and i miss spending entire days and nights and weekends doing nothing but smoking pot and having loud loud sex and getting drunk together and being SO IN LOVE with him and being so happy just to be in the same room. what the fuck went wrong with both of us? or was it only me? i'm a little bit weary of taking ALL THE BLAME. it takes two to tango... i guess i'm glad it's over but i wish it could have worked or maybe i'm just lonely and selfish and wishing i had someone all to myself again and i'd never have to worry, because i know he's all mine...
i want to lie next to you forever. if i could choose to be anywhere heaven anywhere without you or we could sleep next to each other forever in hell i would choose hell. because you next to me is heaven. i just want to be with you.
strung out yesterdays makeup torn up fishnets. trashwhoresexy.
loving you never hurts.
what the fuck am i doing to myself? don't try to kill me. don't try to hurt me. don't love me. don't touch me. stomp out my favorite star.


listening to--> AFI / the last kiss

03-30-03
1:39pm

i love him SO MUCH and he is so pretty and perfect and i want to lie in a bed with him forever. last night heath and jade and i had a nap in heath's bed and i was the happiest girl in the world and i want him ALLLLLLLLLLLL TO MYSELF and i never ever want to have to share.
my best friends. they're so pretty and so perfect. jade is so amazing to me and she doesn't even know how beautiful and perfect she is. my sexy kitten. we parted half an hour ago and already i'm aching to see her again. and i miss him constantly except for when he's there. i got to watch him sing last night and i like it when he stares at me during the show and girls are envious because he's so perfect and so smart and he's growly and sexy and cute and BEAUTIFUL. the prettiest boy there and jade is always the prettiest girl there. so lucky but so envious... trash. trash. trash.

listening to--> my ruin / blasphemous girl

03-27-03
7:57pm

i want to handcuff dan to calgary but he's probably already gone. so proud of him for running towards something he wants. i seem to be stuck here lately. he carried me from the cab to his bed and took care of me when i was so disgustingly drunk last night. he always took care of me and i always felt safe when dan was around. big hugs cheek kisses and tears as i left. it was SO HARD to leave his house this morning knowing it was the last time i would leave him for a long time. but i know someday we'll meet again over beer and tequilla. i already miss him and drunkeness. invader zim. batboy! i have a bat. drunken laughter. always fixed my broken hearts with all night long cuddles. my favorite sleeping position is draped accross a cute rockabilly boy's chest.
i miss jade. i need her so much, much to my discomfort. caught a glimpse of her from a car window. so beautiful like a dream. i will hold her in my hands soon but not soon enough. i miss her like witch baby missed angel jaun. i need her like a poet needs tragedy.

hlistening to--> tool / h

03-25-03
12:27pm

i love him SO MUCH. i love sleeping next to him and the sex and the kisses. our mouths whispering silent secrets meant only for each other. lover best friend my everything. identical twins born apart and looking nothing alike. i love watching him sleep. he's so fucking beautiful. i could stare for hours and never get bored of looking at him because he's so fucking beautiful. perfect. amazing. like an angel. blue eyes that glow in the candlelight. crazy dark girl boy with secret demons coming together finding a light. my beautiful one. i wish it was night. and we were together. holding hands in the dark listening to each other's breath.

hlistening to--> afi / silver and cold

03-05-03
4:07pm

my jade. i will hold her in my arms today. heath held me for hours and then he had to go. i hate when we have to part. sometimes i think he's killing me. but really i've never been this alive.

hlistening to--> afi / strength through wounding

02-27-03
4:07pm

i want to run away with jade and live in a castle and be princesses. she held my hand when i got poked yesterday. i love her and she's the most perfect girl i've ever met.
heath cuddled me for hours and held my hand and sang me beatles songs. i feel like i'm going to collapse. kitten scratches on my arms. i can't stop crying.

hlistening to--> fallen brother / triangulum

02-25-03
11:17am

fuck off. fuck off. fuck off. you wanted me to care about you but you've always thought i was worthless and you still do. what was i. good in bed? pretty? that's all i ever was to you. she's retarded! but on the plus side she's pretty hot... everyone else in your life was always better than me. fuck you. what did you want that you never were? i loved you but i showed it the wrong way. or not enough. i followed you around like an infatuated puppy. and i adored you. whatever.

number one boy. number one girl. love transcends judgement. our world is as perfect as i thought, only better now because we saw it all slip away. jade my secret princess. candy picnics. love. heath my best friend. we're always together. rob makes me feel the most. it's not always good. but i appreciate it. love is a lesson. i've not been taught well.

hlistening to--> rufus wainwright / cigarettes and chocolate milk

02-24-03
2:07pm

i am inconsiderate. and i am an asshole. fuck you fuck you fuck you. i have worshipped you the whole time i've known you. you knew that.
i hope i fucking die. i wreck everything. two months ago i thought that was the worst i'd ever been and six months ago i thought that was the worst and last summer i thought that was the worst and now i am the crazy girl again carving up my arms and legs and brushing away insects that no one else can see.
my whole world is black and full of insects and demons. as i slept in his bed a demon crawled out of the closet and tried to kill me. cockroaches came out of the corners.
there is a demon stalking me right now.

hlistening to--> afi / ever and a day

02-22-03
1:02pm

echo.laurel.weetzie.witchbaby.violet.claire.jade.
you are like a fairy tale. perfection and beauty and love. candy picnics on the c-train. everything in the world is so much more amazing and beautiful when i am with you.

hlistening to--> afi / morningstar

02-21-03
12:33pm

i miss jade incredibley but i get to see her today.
heath and i are getting married and we're going to live in a castle. i meet a million boys and girls. but no one is ever like him. he is my blood.

hlistening to--> afi / he who laughs last...

02-18-03
2:11pm

lost love with the girl i never thought i'd lose. she is my heart and my soul. an extension of myself. the last piece of the puzzle. she saved my life a million times. now it's time for the FUCK OFF bitch. i don't need this shit.

hlistening to--> fallen brother / original queen

02-13-03
5:09pm

dreaming of you
less than a day and i am aching for her.

and it was nice to hear your voice. as disoriented and incoherent and utterly stupid as i am feeling today. i miss your face skin hands. you. i just miss you sometimes. constantly.

listening to--> afi / the despair factor

02-13-03
9:06am

torn off clothes + girl kisses.
delicious night with jade. she makes me happy. she makes me giggle.
being a spoiled princess was never so much fun. horseback riding belly dancing manicures and pedicures. and three hot phone sex girls. we tore of his clothes and tied him up with the pieces. my neck is bruised and sore. my back is scratched to pieces. longing to be with her again.

listening to--> fiona apple / sullen girl

02-10-03
8:06am

cold blood lonely heart.
people kill themselves every day.
you don't think i deserve your forgiveness.

where love trancends.
there is no judgement.
where constant interest lays.
boredom is unknown.
where we can express every emotion.
knowing the other will feel it too.
we are everything you could imagine and more.

necessity. desire. lover. best friend. soul mate.
a thousand razorblades could never make me feel as alive as you do.

listening to--> fiona apple / paper bag

02-10-03
8:08am

did you think you really think you could fix all my broken hearts by halfheartedly taking me back? you tried to fix it with a sorry.
i'm sorry. does that help?
it didn't fix me either.
why did we eat dinner that day. why did i have to see you that day? why did you leave me? that's when it all fell apart beyond repair.
did i ever make you happy? was i worth anything good to you? i love you. you really did make me feel like a kitten in the sunshine. i love you. step on me hurt me let me crawl by your feet.

love and a scalpel. my favorite boy. soul mate. blood haze. belonging. ripping apart. building back up. prodding me into reality.
where love transcends. where we belong. where words can never describe.

listening to--> tool / schism

02-04-03
11:32am

i want to lick your wounds. you are the universe. love and a scalpel. cut me open and love me. force me to trust you. carve your love onto my belly. give me your scars.

listening to--> NIN / hurt

01-29-03
11:32am

lonely and bottled up.
i need tears. but not yours.
i need loving arms. or maybe just lust.
i need eden. she makes me feel at home. i am so pent up i feel like i am going to collapse.
my heart still hasn't healed from all those other times. fuck you for thinking you are the only one who hurts. fuck you for hating me. i could have been better and you were wonderful but far from the perfect boyfriend you are making yourself out to be.
i need heath and eden and everyone who loves me. i need someone to listen when i am finally ready to let them in. i need someone who won't look at me like i'm a monster when i reveal my soul. i am scared if i let anyone know me they will know what a monster i really am. only a monster could hurt a boy like that. i am eternally sorry.

listening to--> the distillers/young girlsl

06-08-02
2:11pm

do you ever feel completely black inside?
i would cut my heart out and put it inside you so we could be together. when i am with you i want to be infinite. i want it all to stop. but it just keeps passing. we can't be together forever no matter how hard i wish. but i will keep wishing anyway, just in case. i need to stop wanting so much. all i want is to be with you.
i wish we could be vampires. but that is just a silly dream.
i feel so alone. there is no place for me anywhere. the only time i felt like i belonged was when i was with you.

listening to--> tool/parabol

18-07-02
2:54pm

i cut myself to try and help me focus on something other than the noise in my head.
i want to be different. i hate myself.
i like a boy. i always like a boy. he never likes me back. i wouldn't like me either. i cut myself today.

listening to--> babes in toyland/angelhair

20-06-11
1:01am

i like a boy. i feel so inadequate. beautiful things make me happy. beautiful things make me feel hideous. people treat me like i have noth