lost and delerious october 1
the days are passing slow like a thorazine induced haze. or so it feels, but sometimes i wake up and a whole days have passed and i have no idea where they went and when they came. and my arms will be bloodied and bruised and i vaguely, so vaguely like a dream rememer blood drops on my shower floor and pink swirls in the bathtub. i'm addicted to cutting again. i'm craving drugs and blood. all drugs. and lots of blood so much fucking blood. death scares me but it's all i think about. all i think about.
tell us your plans. all of your plans. we'll medicate you until you can't feel tell us how you're going to do it! tell us when! tell us when and how be specific it won't hurt. here's a little paper cup. swallow it down it will numb your mind. numb your mind. numb your mind.
the weekend just gone past i snorted coke i drank too much i cut i binged and purged i cut i binged and purged i fucked up everything i could possibley fuck up in my life. i just want to die. suicide is a cop out yeah whatever. i don't care anymore about your bad opinions or mine. no one will ever hate me as much as i hate myself. whatever. fuck you, like i care. like you care. like anyone cares. sure, i'll stay away, far away, and no one will ever hurt me again. especially not myself.
and i laugh. because only i will know the truth.
i'm so lost. i'm so lost. i'm so lost. i'm so lost.
listening to--> NIN / happiness in slavery
08-05-03
time is relative
beat me up and call it love i only want it if it's rough i take the love that i deserve being with you always hurts. you can't leave unless i stay.
we should have kept it secret.
listening to--> a perfect circle / judith
08-01-03
tooearly
lie back. slip further into unconsciousness. sinking lower half sleeping i reach for your hand. pull you close. so perfect like touching the objects of my dreams. i hardly believe you're here. body as perfect as a wish. a sigh escapes from your lips, breath as real and tangible as my fear. falling further still. afraid to wake up because you are so like a dream. my fantasy come true.
sun on my face. headaching. tummy swirling, hungover. shirt lost in the mess of your floor and you are still sleeping still perfect. as always. i lie next to you, now afraid it will slip away. not wanting to close my eyes. i might wreck it. in your sleep you pull me close to you and all is forgotten as i fade in your arms.
got tickets to a perfect circle this morning. goddamn. fuck. a week, yeah, only. but i felt like you understood something that i desperately need someone to understand yet no one really does. but you did. and i really liked listening to you and talking to you. and i live for any kind of real understanding and connection but i find it so hard to open up enough to ever really achieve that. but with you it was just always easy. and i wish life could work out sometimes. and content and comfortable moments weren't so fleeting. she is so fucking awful and vile the most vile wretched liar piece of shit waste of skin i have ever met. HOW CAN YOU ALL BE SO STUPID? i have no reason to lie, nothing left to hide, we know all of my secrets. she's still got her whole tiny little world to lose how does she have you all so fooled? and i know I KNOW i'm not wrong about her and i hate that you're so wrong about me. 'cause i just liked you. and i'm sleepy and hungover and i saw you today and you were still really fucking pretty. and i miss being excited about someone.
listening to--> a perfect circle / 3 libras
07-31-03
earlyam
sadness unfading. weeks pass by even when you're gone. life continues, unrelenting. close my eyes and disappear. wake up. no different. change is all around me and i remain frozen. digging my heals in, there is comfort in not wanting anyone anymore.
i love you more every day. i want to leave but you know i'll stay. sick and twisted fairytales. shared dreams. a series of perfect moments. i need you, much to my discomfort.
listening to--> afi / silver & cold
07-28-03
2:37pm
13,000 shades of grey. teenage angst that never fades. suicide by bootlace. love that is good enough to throw away. we all want the same things, so why is it so hard?
listening to--> depeche mode / enjoy the silence
07/22/03
noidea
lonlieness. eagerness to feel better and have someone say they understand. hold me tight and believe i am here for you. forget that we both stopped caring or maybe we never started. nothing. nowhere. gothic desperation and sad sickness. i'll hold you close and pretend we both care. pretend we can be happy. dreamers and lovers. our desperation makes us a perfect match. i am just like you. lonliness will drive us apart. knowing that we never really started.
listening to--> afi / the leaving song pt. 2
07-21-03
10:30am
spent all of saturday with two of my favorite boys. laughing, makeupping, doing hair. pretty blue eyes smudged with eyeliner. i adore them for their honesty.
drank and danced away saturday night at the warehouse in the presence of many beautiful people.
perfect weekend.
listening to--> tegan & sara / monday, monday, monday