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My lil' Journal

Using my best friend's idea of having an on-line journal, I decided that periodically I could make journal entries on my life. This way I can remember how things went or how I was feeling, and altho I'm sure I won't be putting all my thoughts and feelings on here, this can be a way for you to know what's going on. So, basically.. this is just more junk about my life, that you can read if you "feel the urge." lol

January 29, 2002--
It's really weird how one moment everything can be really great, and the next things are just so.. blah. I kinda like being back in school tho. With the exception of Chem, the constant fidgiting of Mrs. Thompson and some people's endlessly irritating attempts to gain attention, it's not all that bad. I think right now my fave class is 8th period Psych. But that's more b/c of the people than the class itself. Its so small.. makes me want to go to a Private college even more, b/c I like the small atmosphere. But I suppose I should start studying for some tests... [Mood: Tired]

February 1, 2002--
Listening to old music can really do a mind wrong. I swear I've written "I miss you" over 100 times listening to that Staind album. It just brings back all those memories, and I really wish we could talk right now. [Mood: Confused]

February 3, 2002; afternoon--
Yesterday was great. Jimmy and I went out to lunch, and afterwards we came back here and watched movies. I dunno.. there's just something about him that makes me so incredibly happy, and yet.. jittery at the same time. And now.. all I can think about is how great it felt to have those butterflies in the pit of my stomach again, after kissing the one I love. [Mood: Happy]

February 3, 2002; evening--
Why is it that some people are so incredibly stuck on their opinions of things, especially things that won't make a difference anyways? And why do they have to insist that you're the one not understanding, when the reality of it is that they aren't taking the time to stop and listen to what you have to say? I dunno.. maybe I'm going out on a limb here, but I find it to be so incredibly ridiculous, not to mention a huge waste of time, to even try and have a conversation with a person who isn't even willing to sit and listen to what another person has to say about something. And to be bluntly honest, I'm sick of the shit that comes free of charge with thickness of the brain for some people.

Know what else I think is wonderful (can you hint the sarcasm here)? When people flip out over the simplest of things. Like.. oh, let's say.. asking if someone's done on the computer so I can get back on there to do an article review for SCHOOL. Geez... guess I just don't understand why some people think mainting above a 90 average in school isn't a needed thing to have in a person's life. Oh well. Maybe I should just quit trying to have civil conversations if all anyone is going to do, is jump down my throat and not hear a damn word that I have to say. Sound good to you? If not, it sure as hell does to me. [Mood: FED UP!]

February 4, 2002--
Eric is such a jerk. I swear if he was a woman, he'd be having the longest month of PMS I've ever seen. I just want to slug him one right across the face for not listening to me when I'm trying to explain things. I mean, geez.. he doesn't know jack about what I was trying to tell Rob on the bus, and yet.. being Eric, he always thinks he's God Almighty Who Knows Everything. And man oh man.. wouldn't I love to show him a thing or two about learning to listen to other people! Oooooohhh! I HATE it when people don't listen! [Mood: Annoyed]

February 23, 2002; 12:43 am--
I haven't written in a while, and since I'm tired, but not really in the mood to sleep, I figured I'd write and catch myself up on this thing. Well.. I can't really remember anything before last weekend, so I'll just start from there.

"Winter Break" wasn't much of a break at all. Thursday I spent Valentine's Day with my sweety. Friday Renee, Amy, Nick and I went to the Default concert. Saturday, Amy had her party at the lanes. And Sunday Renee and I went to Kissing Bridge to see Injected and Trik Turner. Then Monday, I went to the Lake with my family and Tuesday at stinkin 7:30 AM Tiff and I drove up to Mrs. G's for a yearbook meeting (which reminds me: get your yearbooks now or they'll be 50 bucks to order them later! Do you really want to pay 10 extra dollars for these things? Get a move on it people! lol) Then um... Tuesday night I had a 4H presentation to do, which went exceptionally well. I got a blue on the presentation and afterwards, when I was taking up some pictures for my Photo project, this lady who lives a few towns over told me that a lot of people come in her shop (she's a florist) asking about photographers for their weddings. So, basically... I might have a job taking pictures at weddings sometime, and well.. that'd be really cool. I love taking pics! But anyways.. needless to say, it was a busy weekend, and these past 3 days of school haven't exactly been any more relaxing. :(

I have noticed tho, that I'm drifting away from some of my friends. And I mean, it's not really on purpose (what friends drift appart on purpose, ya know? lol)... I just don't feel I'm fitting in with some people anymore. Ok, so maybe I shouldn't make it sound like a "plural" thing. Mainly, I feel like I'm losing one of my closest friends (don't worry, Renee.. its not you. lol). Then there's the fact that I haven't really been in the mood to talk to people lately. I dunno, I find being in "my own world" to be much more productive anyways.. and well, I guess its just hard to talk to people.

Other than that, everything is going super duper great. Jimmy and I are doing ok (at least I hope!), and I'd say for the most part school is alright. I really wish I could try out for a sport this year tho. But, I don't have any time on my hands for that type of dedication, so I've decided I'm going to start my volunteer work again. In the fall I "worked" (aka: volunteered) to help handicapped children with theraputic horseback riding. It was really one incredible experience, and after recieving a letter in the mail today from the lady who ran the program, asking for me to come back and help.. I've decided I think I'll start back up in April. I was going to wait till the fall again, but I decided I'm going to get a job when school starts up again next year, and start saving up for a car or college.. depending on if I get a car before that or not (oh I really hope I do!!!). But anyways.. I doubt anyone reads this pointless crap about my life anyway, so I'm gonna go try and get some sleep. I doubt I will for a while tho. I've got "Live a Lie" by Default stuck in my head.. and I can't seem to stop singing it! [Mood: Happy/Sad? Who knows?]

February 27, 2002--
Everyday this week, things have been going exceptionally great. I wake in the morning feeling like shit, and I have a hard time getting myself to go to sleep (not to mention I've been having some really horrible dreams), but when I go to school, things just.. round out. Last week I didn't feel like talking to anyone, and this week.. its just seemed like I've found myself again with my friends and even with people I don't know. Instead of sitting back and just listening or watching or being in my own world, I made an effort to be a part of other's lives.. and I think that's why this week has been so good, so far, socially. But then I get home.. and it just seems like everything that made me so happy during the day, just vanishes. I mean, to a point it does anyways.. but then again, it doesn't. I don't know.. I can't explain it. [Mood: Iffy]

February 28, 2002--
I dont know why I bother coming on-line anymore. There's nothing to do and never really anything to say. Oh well tho, right?
sometimes it feels like time is standing still
that the moment will go on forever,
that things will stay just as they are.
then the music gets a little bit louder
the beat a little bit faster
and before you know it your moment is gone,
lost in a whirlwind of days and night spent standing still.

March 18, 2002--
Well today was a good day. I went for my road test and passed, so now I'm a "legally licensed driver" I guess you could say. I got a few things off, but for having taken it in the rain, in a standard car, I think I did pretty good. Besides.. I have my license now, and that's all that matters. I just wish I would have gotten the same reaction out of some people as I did others. My best friend, Renee, took hers today too (same place, same time... only neither of us knew each other was signing up for that day) and she passed, too so we were both really excited. Then Johanna and Lindsey were happy for me, and Eric.. well lets just say it was priceless to see the look on his face. He always told me I could never do my road test in a standard, and well.. I did.. and he nearly had a heart attack. But.. it was a happy sort of shock, and he said he was proud of me. But, my dad on the other hand... he didn't, and still hasn't, even said anything about it. I think in a way he doesn't want to come to terms with the fact that I'm growing up. But it still bothers me that he won't even tell me I did a good job. But oh well.. he didn't even think I could pass in the first place, so maybe he just doesn't want to admit that he was wrong. Also.. altho at the time I thought otherwise... I'd really like to thank my sweety for caring and helping out as much as he did. Jimmy.. without you, I don't know if I would have gotten the whole parallel parking thing down. I mean, without the trick thing you taught me, I'd still be trying to master Mr. Boll's technique. And well... I'm better off not listening to that guy. Look at all the other things he was off the boat on. But anyways.. my point.. I'm sorry I said you didn't care, when you did/do.. I guess at the time it just made me really upset. I just hope you can forgive me now for being so careless as to assume you didn't care. I love you with all my heart, and I hope you know that you aren't a horrible person.. if anything, I am for saying such things in the first place. I'm sorry. :( And I love you.

April 6, 2002--
The past few nights I've had the worst time trying to get to sleep. Usually when I can't sleep its because I have a lot of worries on my mind.. so I lay asleep just thinking myself into circles. But the past few nights.. its different. I have no idea why its happening now, but I'm finding myself realizing just how great Jimmy is and how lucky I am to be so.... head over heels for him, let alone in a relationship with someone so wonderful. I know this is prolly all sounding so crazy.. but he means the world to me and as I lay awake at night, just thinking about him and about how great things have been between us lately, I can't stop thinking about how lucky I am to be so close to someone as wonderful, caring, charming, handsome.. (everything) as he is. Its the most incredible feeling in the world, yet at the same time.. it's scary because you never know what the future will bring. I just wish that I could tell him how much I love him, as I feel it inside me rather than how it sounds when I say it outloud. Ugh.. stupid words will never have the same affect as feelings. lol. [Mood: Happy]

April 9, 2002--
To a certain extent, I really hate being in back in school. I have no ambition to do the homework or to study for tests, and while I do it anyways.. I'd much rather be doing something else. On the other hand, homework gets me away from the computer and gives me time to concentrate on something other that the things I'd be otherwise thinking about. Still.. I'm really hating the idea of coming home to the same thing everyday: my worries. I don't really feel like talking about it, because its personal stuff... but then when I go to bed at night, I just really wish I had someone to talk to. Don't get me wrong.. my friends are great, but I don't think they would understand what I've been obsessing over. And while I know one of my closest friends would for sure understand, I almost don't want to talk to her about b/c it seems like I'm not important to her, until no one else is around to talk to. And I feel like such a crappy friend for even saying that, but I don't really know how to act around her anymore, unless its just the two of us having a one on one conversation (which I love). Hmm.. well I forgot where I was going with this. So guess its time to study. [Mood: ??]

June 20, 2002--
Well it sure has been a long time since I've written and so, as to be expected I suppose.. a lot has happened since then. May 4th was Prom. I wasn't going to go this year, but Johanna talked me into it, so I ended up going. We went just us girls (Robin, Johanna, Amanda, and I) and it was so much fun, even tho the dinner really sucked. Afterwards, the four of us went back to Robin's and stayed up till 4:00 eating good ol' American junk food and watching movies. It was a good night.. but not at all what Prom is cracked up to be. But.. maybe next year!! I also turned 17 on May 7th. It was the worst day ever!! I can't remember now why I had such a terrible day, but all I remember is that it was awful. But, a bunch of us went bowling for my party.. and even tho it wasn't the original plan I had in mind, it still turned out to be a fun night. Hmm... I took my SATs over again on June 1st. They weren't too bad.. oddly enough I think I did terrible on the English, but ok on the Math (if you know anything about me, it's that I suck at Math!).. but I guess we'll see how I did when I get my scores back (I'm hopin' for a 1200!! I know.. how nerdy, right? Oh well.. lol). Also, after the SATs my friend Cassie and I went up to support our "team" at the Art Alive competition. We got People's Choice for our one painting, Dialogue 1, and an honorable mention for our other, Mop and Glo. It was a great day.. but I'm looking more forward to next year, when I don't have an SAT stopping me from being in the painting. We also closed up the year for Yearbook. Our Annual Dinner at Salvatore's was a riot.. but, guess ya just had to be there. :-P

Hmm... well I can't really think of what else I've been up to lately. I was getting a lot of homework the past three or four weeks of school so I didn't really have time to have much fun, except on the weekends. One weekend, Renee, Steph, Johanna, and I went put-putting and then we drove back to Johanna's to watch movies and hang out. It was fun.. we planned out our futures and made up funny stories of what we'll all be doing in ten years. But.. we won't go into those details for the sake that anyone reading this might think we're completely nuts. lol. Our last day of school was June 14th, so it's "goodbye" to homework, at least until I have to start doing my summer reading essays for English. Yay fun! Other than that, Tuesday and Wednesday we took our English Regents (I got a 97 on it.. wahoo!!), today I took the US History Regents and also the Course 3 Regents for Math (I'm affraid I failed the math miserably!). Then tomorrow, I take Chem. *quivers* I dunno how I'm ever gonna pass this regents. I've been studying every day this week, and its not looking too good. But, we'll see I guess. Next week we have our field trip for English, and Friday night we're having a "cultural night in the city" for Art Club. I'm really looking forward to the Art Club trip, but even more so.. Thursday (June 27th) marks one year for Jimmy and I. We've had our ups and downs, but overall its been a great year.. the best actually, that I've ever had with a person. Thank you sweety if you're reading this! I love you. :-D

In saying that, I guess there's not much else to say really. Except that, after tomorrow, summer is finally here.. which means sun tans, cruisin', GRAD PARTIES, camping, softball games, fairs, and swim practice. I'm sure I'll be updating a lot, but just in case I don't... everyone, I wish you the best summer ever!! [Mood: happy.. yet wondering why I even come on-line anymore? No one writes me e:mails -LYDIA MARIE!!- and hardly anyone talks on-line anymore! Oh well I guess.. maybe I'll just have to find something else to do in all my spare time. :-P]

P.S. Oh yeah.. I almost forgot!! I got a guitar this past weekend. It's acoustic, and even tho I honestly have no idea how to play, I'm determined to master it before the summer is up. Wish me luck! lol.

June 26, 2002; 1:45 am--
Well I've got nothing else to do and I know I won't be able to sleep for a while, so I figured I'd update.
I got my SATs scores back the other day. Both Verbal and Math combined gives me a total of 1000, and with my other SAT scores (the higher of the two combined), that gives me 1010. So it looks like I'm taking them over again. Also, I had originally failed the Math Regents with a 62. But they reviewed it, and so I passed with a 66. Wahoo.. I'm one out of the (now) 15 students who passed the stupid thing. I passed Chem, too with a 67. But, I'm prolly taking both over in August. If not both, at least the Math anyways. I did good on the history tho: 92. You can tell my better subjects.

In other news.. I haven't been up to much lately. Yesterday my cousin, Lydia, came over with my grandma. She (my cousin.. who is actually old enough to be my aunt) is up from Florida with her son. Tomorrow I was supposed to see him, but plans were changed and so I prolly won't. Its weird tho, he used to live in a nearby town for a while (till he moved back to Florida with his mom), and I haven't ever seen him. He asked my cousin if I knew this one girl that goes to our school now, that used to go to his school, and I do. So I've prolly seen him and don't even realize it. Sad huh? And then today I went over to Renee's. We watched a movie and went swimming. It was fun.. and not to mention, a much needed day out of the house. Tomorrow we have that field trip for English. It should be fun, I hope anyways. Speaking of.. I should prolly be getting to bed so I can get up tomorrow for it. But will I be able to sleep? No.. most likely not. Oh well, g*night. [Mood: "agrivated"]