Topic: Relationships
Using Dog Behavior to Enhance your Relationship.
Many years ago, I read a story in "Mad Magazine" about the cartoon characters created by Walt Disney. Mickey Mouse, Donald and all the Ducks, Black Pete - they are wonderful extreme examples of anthropomorphism, where animals are changed to take on human characteristics. The animals, with one exception, have all the qualities, failings and abilities that humans have. The "Mad" piece gave them heaps of neuroses as well. The exception is Pluto. He alone chose not to have the power of speech. He felt he was better off that way. This idea slumbered in my sub-conscious for decades until I read a sneering article in which a feminist suggested that men were so silly that women could manage them a lot better by treating them as they would treat their animal companions, dogs.
If you compare the Man/Woman relationship with the Woman/Dog relationship, you will pretty quickly realize which one is the best for you. To achieve it, only a little sublety is required, the decision to behave in many ways, like a dog. If you do, I'm sure you will soon have the best relationship possible.
By "best relationship" I mean one in which I am fed regularly, petted often, allowed sex, treated for my ills and looked after in my old age. I want to avoid a lot of the problems men are regularly burdened with. Have a look at Pluto. He doesn't have to bother with clothes, buying an elaborate house or indeed any of his needs, and certainly doesn't waste time seeking paid employment.
Let me discuss a few of the qualities women demand from men but don't worry about with dogs.
Cleanliness. Observing dogs leads me to believe this is not neccessary. It is possible, indeed desireable ,to be somewhat smelly most of the time. Women who have dogs don't notice. Occasionally, you must go and roll in something really vile, making a complete mess of yourself, or she will become complacent. At the time, she will put on an impressive display of anger, but it's not real. For how to deal with anger, see below.
Talking. This is where Pluto got it absolutely right. The problem we face is that women constantly ask us to "talk to them". They do this so much that I think they sincerely believe that that is what they want. Whether or not it is good for them is debateable but it is certainly not good for men. With their superior ability to process verbal data, women will always be at an advantage in a gabfest - or a gabfight. Observe a woman-dog relationship however and you will see that the dog is able to get what it wants perfectly well without speaking at all - and the woman is happy to communicate without demanding a conversation from the dog. If she really wants talk (most of the time), she will supply it all herself.
A man must therefore, retain the initiative in the relationship by communicating on his own terms as much as possible, and as little as possible on her terms.
Bad Behaviour. Anyone who has studied a little psychology knows that it is the unusual behaviour which is noticed, not the usual. Being a good boy all the time means that your slightest misdemeanour is noticed and punished. On the other hand a moderate naughtyness most of the time means that your occasional good behaviour will be noticed and rewarded. Watch a woman when her dog has been "bad". She wags her finger, says "You naughty, naughty boy!" and her eyes are positively shining with love.
Positive Dog Behavior.
Playing with their children is one of the best ways to win their heart. This is no hardship, because children are much more forthright, assertive, generous, sensible and physically active than women themselves. So it is easier, as well as more fun, to please the woman indirectly by amusing the children, than it is to deal directly with the woman herself. It's also less expensive.
Watchdog. Women often rely on dogs for security of their person and property. We must take advantage of this by fulfilling this role to the best of our ability, but always remembering to minimise risk to ourselves. Often dogs who use actual violence against humans will be terminated with extreme prejudice, and at the very least their owners will be held responsible for whatever injury the dog inflicts.
So deter intruders with noisy, aggressive, posturing behaviour but not an actual physical attack. You'll only get yourself and thus your family into trouble if you do.
When things go wrong. There will always be times when you do the wrong thing. You will make some mistake, forget something she considers important, or go too far in an episode of the general naughtiness which stops her from becoming complacent. No matter. Don't waste time trying to understand what she "really wants". Such a thing has never been explained to my satisfaction. You must soulfully raise your eyebrows, start crawling and abjectly begging forgiveness. An intention never to do it again must be expressed, shamelessly faked if need be. Ignore all the things she says, do not try to explain or justify what you have done. Keep begging and crawling.
The "making up" phase is very important for your and her long-term happiness. Remember, no matter how angry she is, a good licking session will always bring her round.