Coming Out

This is my personal story on how i came out to everyone, that includes myself and my friends and family. I will start off by talking about how i dealt with it. Then move on to telling how i dealt with my friends and family and how they dealt with it.

To myself...

When asked when did i first realise i was gay the simple answer is that i have always known. The complicated answer is that while always knowing, i didn't like the fact and tried my hardest to be "normal" and conform to the pressures that society and my friends and family were placing on my.

My first conscious recognition that i liked guys would have occurred when i was 12. I don't remember when the first realisation was but i remember at that age thinking, this is wrong according to everyone else, but for me this seems right. I was attending and all boys catholic boarding school at the time. This was in 1995.

I don't remember liking specific boys at the time, but i remember that when i would have sexual fantasies and stuff they would involve boys, and never girls. I could force myself to think of girls sexually but it never went anywhere, it never turned me on as much as the boys did.

I had read a book that was in our home library on the subject of homosexuality, it was written in the 1950's and was really bad. It was telling me that my thoughts were sexually perverted and that i was being a deviant. I knew this was wrong, but it still in stilled in me that how i felt was wrong and not socially acceptable. My parents were no better source on the matter, they used to often say things about homosexual's as if they were the lowest creatures on the earth, and in fact i think my Dad can be quoted that they are "the scum" of the universe.

In 1996 we moved from where we were living in Grafton, to where we used to live in Central Queensland, Yeppoon. As my only education after entering puberty was in a all boys school, i thought that perhaps i was just in a "phase" that so many people claim that it is, and that attending a state co-educational school that i would just snap to being normal like everyone else.

I waited and waited yet this return to "normality" never happened. I began to really stress at this point that i was never going to be normal. I still had not heard any positive aspects about gays and homosexuality. I was a very scared 14 year old who didnt know what to do. I realise at this stage i haven't been speaking about the torment i used to receive.

What they didn't know was that i would be ostrocised at lunch and recess and have to eat lunch by myself. I would only be included in the things anyone else did, if it was beneficial to them, not cause they wanted to be my friend. Having said that, i had a few friends later on when i got to the higher end of primary school. What didn't help my situation is that every 2 years i would change schools. Although i hated school in my younger years, i was compelled to go. I used to kick and scream if Mum offered me a day off. I to this day don't know what used to make me want to go back so badly. My guess is that it was cause i had really nice teachers and they were really nice to me.

When i went to boarding school, the taunts were not just cause i was fat, but for anything that was slightly different to the group norm. I got teased cause i didn't wear the right clothes that all the rich kid snobs said that i had to wear. I wasn't good at football. I had no interest in sports at all, and got teased about that. Then i started to get teased cause i was a "poofter" and a "fag" and a "cocksucker". At first i didn't know what the hell i was being teased before. But i knew it wasn't nice, and soon learnt what they were talking about. For years at the mere mention of my sexuality, i would fervently deny that i was gay.

I digress... Well any ways back to high school in Queensland. I was a scared 14 year old, certain that he was gay but didn't know what to do or think. So i got a girl friend and thought that it would just happen. It didn't. I then became what i would describe as non-sexual. I knew i liked guys and all, but i never used to think about it. I would just not think about anything to do with sex, or guys or girls, or anything.

In 1999 we moved back to Grafton, although this time i didn't got to a boarding school, i went to the state school. This was good. By this time, i had stopped getting taunted about being gay. I am not sure if it was because i had become less obvious or the fact that by this stage no one really cared. I used to get the odd comment from the popular wankers. But i just used to let it slide. When friends brought the issue up i would just say that i wasn't and leave it at that.

At this time is when i become connected to the interenet. This is where my education on all things gay really began. At first i was still upset that i was gay due to the sleazy elements that is highlighted by the internet. But i soon found people similar to me all around the world. As naive as this sounds, up until then i thought i was alone, i mean i knew others existed i just didn't think anywhere near me.

To Friends...

So i was informed that i was completely normal and that it was okay to be who i was. At this stage i was concentrating on the HSC and stuff any ways. So my self acceptance came at a good time so i could focus on that. The problem was at the time i had a girl friend. Melissa. She is the sweetest most lovely girl in the whole world. We were going out for a while and were meant to goto the formal together. In the september holidays. I couldn't keep lying to Melissa about the whole thing. I broke down to my best friend at the time Kerrianne over ICQ and told her i was gay.

She took this really well. We both agreed the best thing to do was to break it off with Melissa. I did this. Kerrianne defended me while alot of my friends thought i was being heartless and cruel to Melissa for breaking up with her so close to the formal, and that they were shocked cause they thought we were going good. So did Melissa.

I think i broke her heart. She was devastated and blamed herself. I felt sooo unbelievable bad about the whole situation. But i still think it was the best way to deal with it. I did really like Melissa. Love could have been an emotion to describe what i felt for her, well at least the beginning of love any ways. I just didn't have an interest in her beyond close friendship.

After the original coming out to Kerrianne, which was done over ICQ and whole lot of crying and contemplating before i actually sent the message. I told Megan, who in a round about way already knew from Kerrianne, to this day i'm not sure if Kerrianne just told her or Megan did guess as the story goes. I was supposedly the number one likely candidate for who was gay in our year 12 class. I was not surprised by this revelation, yet i just thought a person in our year, Chris was more camp than i was.

So any ways Megan took it well, and she is fab. We talk about boys and stuff all the time. She is awesome she is more sex freaked than anyone i know. Thats a good thing too, can't imagine megan being any different. After that i told my best mate Ben, he was the first guy. He was cool about it. He is like that though.

I then told Melissa. Who by far was the hardest person at that stage i had told. She was crying and stuff, and i felt so bad. But she said that it was ok, and that it all made sense now. I never made a move on her for the month or so we were going out. She said she felt better, cause she now didn't think it was something she had done. We were both drunk when i told her. It's never a good option to tell people when drunk, but often thats how it happens.

The next friend after that was Stacey, who i drunkenly told at a toga party at her college, in our first year of uni. She was ok about it, even her boyfriend, who is also a good friend, Matthew. After that it was kinda of out of the bag and so it was then common knowledge.

It has since gone around my home town that i am gay. I have yet to go back there. Not for that reason, just haven't been back. My home town is small and really homophobic. I no longer care if they know. I don't live there its no big deal.

All new friends i make, either know from me telling them, or can work it out themselves. I am not obvious about it, but i don't hide it. I just be myself, take it or leave it i really don't care. Most people say i'm nice, and that gives me the shits, cause i can be nasty. I am not nice all the time...

To my Family...

I only just recently came out to my family. The way I came out was not really the most ideal way of doing it, but it was effective and it has all worked out fine so its not too bad.

I was walking home from Mojo's when i got to Clints Crazy Bargains, and decided to have a rest and sit on the whop window ledge. At this point i think it would be a good idea to ring my parents and have a chat. Mind you this is at 2:30am in the morning and i was majorly drunk.

So i proceeded to dial my parents, who didnt answer. Which is what you would expect from any normal person at 2:30am on a saturday morning. Any ways so if i cant talk to my parents, my next best option is to ring my grandfather. He however does answer the phone. The second he picked up the phone i realised how stupid i was to ring my grandfather.

Any ways we are talking, he could tell i was intoxicated slightly. He asked me how life was, and i replied good. He them asked how my personal life was. At this point i burst out crying and told him i was gay and that i was affraid of how everyone in the family was going to take this news. So we had a really long deep and meaningful. He said he was going to tell my parents in the morning, and give them some time to stew over it and then i should ring them and have a discussion about it.

So i ring my parents, and they take it very well. They assure me they love me just the same and that it makes no difference to their love for me. Dad takes it very well. My parents are homophobic but my Father is the worse of the two. But he tells me that we have to agree to the fact that i cant change it, and he doesn't approve of it, but that it doesn't stop us from loving each other.

Since then my parents have only brought it up once, and that was my mother and she was really drunk. She is dealing ok with it, i think Dad might be not coping as well. I haven't really talked to him much since i told him. But then again its hard to get my father to speak on the phone any ways.

So all in all my family are ok with it. Which is great to know that my parents love is really unconditional and that i can be myself with them and to still have them love me.

I would like to say for other gay people out there, who might be reading this. Coming out is a personal thing. For some its enough to just come out to friends and not tell parents. Thats ok. I felt i had to tell my parents so they didn't become distant from me. Its a personal choice to come out that everyone must make for themselves.