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I got all these from The "Late Night with David Letterman" Book of Top Ten Lists. It was published in 1990 so some of them are a little outdated but they're still hilarious.

Top Ten Fears of McDonald's Managers
10. Under excruciating torture, I might reveal ingredients of secret sauce
9. Customers will figure out fish sandwich and apple pie are exact same item
8. Mayor McCheese's nude, lifeless body will be found in a cheap hotel room somewhere down south
7. Might someday accidentally eat a McNugget
6. After sex with wife, might mistakenly say, "Do you want fries with that?"
5. One of the trainees wants to man the shake machine and damn it-he's not ready!
4. Something will happen to Bush
3. Even after selling a billion Big Macs, I'll still feel kind of empty inside
2. Someday a race of supercows will make paper-thin burgers out of me
1. That might not be mayonnaise

Top Ten Headlines that Would Start a Panic

10. Casey Kasem Builds Own Nuclear Device
9. Yanks Swap Mattingly for Eve Arden(?)
8. Walking Dead Stalk City, Demand Sould Kisses
7. It Turns Out You Really Need Your Tonsils
6. Seals & Croft, Brewer & Shipley to form Supergroup
5. Nell Carter, Playboy Magazine Reach Terms
4. Constitution Thrown Out in Favor of Old "Marmaduke" Cartoon
3. "Sometimes When We Touch" Made National Anthem
2. Willie Nelson Discovered Washing Hair in New York City Water Supply
1. "Late Night" to Begin Top Twenty Lists

Top Ten Least Popular Candy Bars

10. Lug Nut
9. Turkish Prison Taffy
8. Hardened Toothpaste Mint Patties
7. Sunoco Resin Chews
6. Reverand Al's Marshmallow Medalions
5. Mexican Monkey Brittle
4. Good 'N' Linty
3. Two Musketeers and a Guy with a Hacking Cough
2. Mookie Way
1. Roger Ebert's Mystery Log

Top Ten Least-Used Hyphenated Words

10. Lick-proof
9. Owl-flavored
8. Hat-resistant
7. Trunk-ripened
6. Gumbel-scented
5. Post-moistened
4. Hitler-riffic
3. Casket-tested
2. Pants-happy
1. Mookie-proofed

Top Ten Ways to Make George Bush More Exciting

10. Kill a man with his bare hands on network TV
9. Divorce Barbara; marry 13-year-old cousin
8. Stick his tongue in Sam Donaldson's ear during press conference
7. Disappear into Alaskan wilderness with Rosanna Arquette; return with necklace made of bear teeth
6. Change campaign slogan from "Bush in '88" to "Party with the Bushmeister"
5. Answer questions on "Meet the Press" with "I"m too drunk to remember"
4. Have him bend standing microphone into pretzel shape; give to cub reporter as souvenir
3. Nickname him George "the sexecutioner" Bush
2. Start hanging with Earth, Wind and Fire
1. Shorter speeches, tighter pants

Top Ten Mother's Day Gifts Available In Times Square

10. Rolling pin vibrator
9. "World's Greatest Mom" crack pipe
8. A lovely silk robe shoplifted from Saks
7. Videocassette of movie Danish Moms
6. A guy who'll do anything for fifty bucks
5. Necklace of human ears
4. Car stereo (with minor crowbar damage)
3. Combination brass knuckes/cheese slicer
2. Gift certificate good for one brutal beating
1. Inflatable dad

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