Lathargic as always..

Well, I'm listening to music with headphones on, cause my neighbors here are very inconsiderate of my need to unwind at 4:00am to loud music... I mean, how dare they.
But, while being drawn into the familiar beats of "No Use For A Name", "Vast", "GodHead" and an occasional classical song tossed in for variance, I'm reminded of how tipsy turby the worlds been lately. And, I for once have nothing to say about the bombings. Other then, I'm sorry for the loss of life that it caused and will cause. I'm very sorry to all those who lost loved ones, and think it is a travesty. But, I'd hope, that'd go without saying.
For once, I'm in a languid mood. I'm not letting anything get to me, and am just kind of enjoying the 4:00am NY air as I sit on my patio, with ear phones and, and my lap top in my lap. It's not often that I get to do this, and it's nice.
It's 4:00am you say? Yes, I've said it twice, so it must be true. I can't sleep. I keep having this nightmare where I'm not me, but I am me. I am in essence, the person I know, but in the dream I think and feel things that I in reality do not feel or think at all. It's almost like a different belief structure takes over, and it scares me more then most things.
Despite what an Ex insists, I do not think that I'm better then everyone around me. I, INDEED, do have a self-esteem problem, but it's more a LACK of one, not an over abundance. What does this have to do with the dream you ask? Well, in the dream it seems that I have the perception of myself. Who I am, what I am, that I can't live up to.
For example, imagine sitting in a room. It's dark, and the only light comes from a sliding glass door that leads to a patio overlooking a small ravine that is full of lush green foliage. It's raining outside, and lightning cracks on the distance causing the room to blink in and out of existence. So, you sit there, in the room, looking toward the window, and there's this girl, or boy, that you are in love with. And (s)he is crying while looking at this window and is holding a picture of you in their hand. And, in the instant, you get this understanding of everything that they think of you. How nice you are, how caring, how loving, how whatever you may think that they think of you... and you're watching, and you realize, that none of that is you. None of it, you are not any of that, you are just not capable of it.
That's the dream. It sucks because you wake up feeling empty, like there's nothing able to fill you, and you are not good enough for this loved one, and you can't fix it. Then it slowly sets in that it was just a dream, and the only way they can think that of you in real life is if you were able to show them that part of you. And everything comes into perception.
It's been three weeks, and almost every night, I get about two hours sleep before I wake up with this aching in my side that something is dying to that damn dream.
I'm not totally crazy, yet, but I'm kinda made sad by it.
Well... night kiddies...