Jesus fucking Christ, is everybody in the world a fucking idiot, or do people really feel “safer” because of dipshit travel regulations? I just got done flying back from Peru, and by the end of the trip I was ready to strangle every smug security officer (or whatever the fuck their pretentious title is these days) with my luggage strap.

Everywhere you turn the damn announcer on the loudspeaker is going “remember…3…1…1.” This is some moron’s idea of a clever jingle so that everybody gets their baggage in an “acceptable” or “safe” state. Nevertheless, even with fifty thousand repetitions in the last forty-eight hours, I still don’t know what the fuck 3-1-1 even stands for. It’s something like you have 1 container filled with no more than 3 ounces of liquid in 1 plastic bag.

Oh…thank god for protecting me from terrorists with 3.1 ounces of liquids wrapped in TWO plastic bags.

HOW THE FUCK IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE SAFER?

Look at me, I’m a terrorist, I have 4 ounces of liquid and a plastic bag. If you aren’t careful, I’ll put the plastic bag over your head and smother you and then drown you with the liquid!

Or…

I’m a terrorist, either you crash this plane into the empire state building or I’m going to turn on my cellular phone or other electronic device.

Or…

I’m a terrorist, I refuse to properly store my oversized piece of carry-on luggage or other personal item. I’ve got the life-vest on that I found under my seat and I’ve been smoking in the bathroom. I refuse to help open the emergency exit. Hahahahahaha!

Just shut the fuck up everybody! These damn stewardesses actually come over to you and tell you to stop reading so that you can listen to how to put on your seat belt?

?

Fuck you!

How can they repeat that shit every flight? If they’d provided a piece of flight instruction on every trip, I could be a registered pilot by now! Ghaaaa!

3 ounces of liquid…they’re worried about three ounces of liquid. Damn dude, you could take over an airplane with a tube sock and a roll of quarters. Just dump the quarters into the sock, tie it off, and presto, you’ve got a pretty vicious club. Soon you’ll be hearing overhead speakers saying things like:

“Remember 10-1-1…you’re allowed to bring no more than 10 dimes on an airplane as long as they are stored in 1 piece of plastic, and this piece of plastic is entered within 1 pound of planting soil.”

And who do they get to do this overhead announcer voice anyway? It’s so damn patronizing. It acts like it’s so damn zen that it’s about to fall asleep, as if it belongs to the most reasonable voice in the universe and only a crazy person would find fault with what it had to say.

“Please place all children in the detainment area. Your children will be provided to you at the end of the flight. If your child is lost, a suitable placement will be offered.”

Airports suck. I guess it all just has to do with creating the illusion of security so that millions of dipshit idiots feel it’s safe enough to fly. After all, we wouldn’t want airlines to need government subsidizing in order to make a profit….er…

The End