So just for shits and giggles and because I happened to be in the US, I went out to one of those midnight Star Wars showings. Didn’t have to wait in line for tickets or nothing crazy like that since the boys down at Micon Cinema had been selling the tickets for a whole two weeks before opening day.
We rolled in at about 11 at night and found the cinema packed with all these dudes dressed up like Jedi and Chebaccas and R2D2’s and Leia in her slave bikini and Jabba the Hut. Awesome shit. There was even this dude in a full fledged Darth Vader outfit that must have cost him a grand. He was strutting around force-choking people and of course the star wars fans had to oblige by getting all bug eyed and throwing themselves to the ground at Vader’s lightest footfall.
Crammed into the theatre, the guy next to me was something like forty years old and had fashioned his own Jedi-type attire. It was sort of a cross between a renaissance festival and the type of thing Lyam Neeson would have worn if he’d been in Episode III. He smelled like pot.
In line I started talking about how Episode III should have been called “The Conception of Luke and Leia” and the movie itself should have been a seventies style porn with everybody getting in on the action, especially Chewbacca and Jabba. I mean seriously, wouldn’t it be awesome if after the introductory scroll the camera panned down to a scene of Natalie Portman getting plugged every which way from sideways? It could have been the only NC-17 Star Wars movie and it would have only cost 1,200$ to make. I’m surprised Lucas didn’t think of this. The guys I was in line with thought it was a great idea.
But all sex fantasies aside, the movie itself was just what we’ve been waiting for. Basically non-stop light saber action from beginning to end. Good stuff, what can you say?
I tell you this much though, I’m seriously getting pissed off at all these critics and amateur idiot film toddlers bitching about the flat Star Wars dialogue. They only say that because it’s Kosher at the moment. Like they fucking know what good dialogue sounds like. Sure Quentin Tarantino didn’t write the script, but I like the silly way they talk in Star Wars. Get used to it jerk offs! That’s just the mark of the story. Nobody bitches about how Shakespeare is ridiculous because it’s all in Iambic Pentameter. Double standards like that get my donkey!
My final thought is that Episode III should really win best picture, but of course it won’t. It doesn’t have some woman maliciously killing her husband or boyfriend like in Chicago, and it isn’t just plain bad like Million Dollar Baby. Plus, George Lucas totally pissed off the whole Hollywood system and told them to fuck off after they fined him a quarter of a million dollars for failing to put beginning credits in Empire Strikes Back. Those idiotic assholes, sure, just alienate the most powerful figure in your whole damn organization.
The world is full of little fish swimming in shit and thinking they’re something special. Somebody needs to toss in a few more hooks baited with worms on the way to a butter flavored grill.
Chop those damn scaled monsters up with glowing red laser weapons and feed them to the dog. Chewbacca doing Natalie Portman doggie-style. Oh why am I the only man of vision in this world?
The End