For sometime, I wondered if I would ever mellow out and become one with the world, or one with anything. I wondered if all this maddness would ever end. But, come to find out it has. My stories that I write about the dragon, are self replicas of my emotions. The dragon symbolizes a lot. Basically my inner self. She and I have been through a lot...and a lot of changes. A new beginning is surfacing. A light, is peaking through my cave walls. Yet it is dim, so I pick myself up, and I walk towards that light. The closer I get, the brighter it gets. I am outside of the cave, and this light takes over my entire body. A new and very strange feeling is happening. I feel warm, and strong. I spread my wings, and let the light enfuse them and make them strong as well. I feel the strength the light is giving me, the un believable power that surrounds me and my very being. My heart, restored... my faith restored. As the light forms a stream circling around my body, I feel the power lift me up off the ground. A ball of energy forms, and sits right infront of me suspended in the air. Then all the light, pours into the energy, and the ball grows bigger. The ball of energy then shoots right into my chest. And I feel the gods and goddesses, chanting to me, "its time." As I form back into the dragon, I fly back towards the ground. I look up, and see the skies clearing. The storms that were there before are now over. Off to the distance the storms are there, rumbling, and the lightning still strikes. Striking my cave, making the boulders tumble into the entrance to my cave. Now, I knew I could not go back to dwell in my sorrow, that I had to move on, and I had to be free from this depression. Now with the help of the light, and the power I was given, I feel different. I feel a new. I must start over, become what I want to be. With or without you. I am me, take me as I am. Fore there are not others like me. Either you love me or you dont. I can be a friend or your worse nightmare. I make no enemies, only friends, it is your choice how you live your life. Not mine. And by me, I wish you all the luck in the world. My mission and duties here are done. Dwelling on the past isnt what I intended, from here on I bury them deep into the ground. For I am a new person, in a new beginning. Stonger than ever...
Have you ever felt as if you'll never find happiness at the end of the rainbow? That once you approach it, it always gets further away from you? Or if you will ever find that "one true thing" that makes you believe that there is hope? All my life I have suffered from minor to extreme let downs. It seems right when its about to change for the better, there is always something else to knock me right back down. Its almost like something is telling me that I need to stay down, that I am nothing. But, you know after pondering over this for quite sometime, I feel that I am better than that. I am smart, sensible, at times realistic, I have tons of love to give, "that is if someone is willing to wait and allow me the time to get over my past!!!" I have so much to give and I care for people. Especially children and the elderly. I have longed for love all my life. Strangely, I am a true romantic. I love to be courted properly. I dont like horny persistant men, although I am ok with it if its with someone I truely love. They can be horny and persistant all they want. I have issues of course, and are being slowly resolved. Mainly they are my mental disabilities. 1. Suffer from depression. Oh and a reminder to most of you who think goth consists of nothing but depressed people, and you say that you are depressed as well, thats not cool. Depression really sucks, and can be very crippling. 2. I suffer from bipolar, at times. This used to be very bad when I was younger. However now it just comes and goes. Especially when I am tired, or something in my life makes me sick. 3. I have health anxiety. Yay, in other words a hypochrondiac. But lately, I have been ok with it. 4. Panic Disorder, another yay!! I have been to the ER so many times its not even funny. Panic Disorder is also very crippling. 5. I have social anxiety disorder. Fun fun. I dont like being around a lot of people and I dont like being trapped in a corner with people all around me.
This all started last year when I lost both my grandma and my dad. I know its an excuse to escape the truth. But sadly it is the truth. I really didnt become so messed up until I saw the death of my grandmother. Which May 31st is the 1 year anniversary. So it was and is still really hard. My grandmother and I were very close. And watching her pass was really hard for me. The image still haunts me. My dad, I miss dearly as well. It just happened all of a sudden. I never got to spend the time I wanted with him.
On to something else. That is depressing. Anyway, people like to judge me all the time. They think that since I dont smile or talk that I am pissed at the world. OR that I give a look that is just hateful. NO that is not what it means. I have social anxiety disorder and if I dont know you I will be that way. Usually I have no problems talking on the internet.
I have a trust issue. I have been lied to so many times by everyone. Except my 2 best friends and brothers, Robby and Air. Robby and I have been friends for almost 20 years. Air and I have been friends going on 10 years. Really I dont make a lot of close friends. I try not to because I am so scared of getting hurt. Usually I am happy and content on being a loner. I dont mind a few friends now and then. I am not sure why I am this way. I dont usually open up to many people. I am scared if they know too much then I will start to get close, then they will let me down somehow. Or if they know the real me, they will run scared. At times I can be stubborn, and cold-hearted. Most of the time I just keep to myself. I am very opinionated if asked. I have gone through a lot in my life to understand a lot of things. Believe it or not, I have hit rock bottom 3 times, and I have also been homeless. So, I am full of advice.
I fall inlove easily, I guess that is why I find all the horrible asses that like to lie, hurt, abuse, or take advantage of me. Perhaps I should be a lot more guarded than I am now. I dont know. As earlier I have stated that I have been searching for true love all my life. However to this day, I dont think that it exists. I thought that it did for a moment in time, however, that was proved wrong. As all of them are. Besides who wants someone whos been damaged and abused? No one! Its ok, perhaps being old and alone isnt so bad. Also who wants a big girl? Everyone wants a thin pretty girl. That is the way society projected the image of beauty. No longer is it based on the intellectual, and caring and sensitive beauty that exists inside. I too can get liposuction, but I think to myself; would that really be me? I would be no different than the stupid people who act like the sheep they are and submit themselves to the lower forms of society. I know that I am better than that! If you dont like the fat move on.
I love to travel, and go to new places. I dont like being grounded here in NC. I love New England. I lived in Sturbridge MA for a while and fell inlove with it. That was kinda exciting. I am not sure where I will end up later in my life. I definately dont want to be here. I would love to live in Canada, or go to England or something other than the US.
A little more about me, or me in a nutshell. I am smart to an extent, I have an IQ of 143, fun fun, at times I act autistic. Which I am still pondering if I am or not. LOL. I have a reasonable outlook on life, although death, (something I feared so much) is now something I embrace. I give advice, a lot of the times when asked for it, but sometimes if I think its for your own good I will give it freely. And then that is when I fuck up and lose my friendships or whatever is going on. I am very outspoken and I cant help it. I rarely hate people, however you piss me off long enough, I will show you a vengence you will never forget. Dont forget, us scorpions (my astrological sign), and snakes (my chinese sign) are the best on revenge. However I have very good friends that will take care of you if I am too lazy to go after you. Generally I will let Karma take care of those who piss me off. Then there are times where I have to get my hands dirty. Other than my mean streak. I am a very nice person, very loving, again, I have so much love to give the right person, but I have to be treated with the same respect and love. I love to learn new things, and try new things, I am constantly teaching myself new things. I dont watch much TV, I watch movies a lot now. My favorite movies are fantasy, go figure. I love to day dream, and listen to music. I love to draw, but lately I havent been inspired. I love driving. People take me too seriously, I dont smile so automatically I am pissed at you or at the world. I have a weird sense of humor, I laugh at strange things, like farts. LOL. Who doesn't? Somethings that a lot of people think are funny, I just keep a blank look on my face and just move on to the next subject. I am fun to be with at times, and I can be hyper sometimes, and very talkative. That is when I really get comfortable with you. Then there are times where I will revert into my own world, usually when this happens, leave me alone, it does not mean I am pissed at you. It means that I am thinking. And pondering on lifes many questions. Anyway, that is me in a nutshell. IF you want to know more. Please feel free to get to know me. All I ask is to not judge me. I am a very sensitive person, and take things pretty litterally. I dont make enemies, I dont believe in that. So, please treat me with the same respect.