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1001+ Things that the worst party in Eberron is forbidden from doing...

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From Captain Jarlot, Pirate at arms....

Activities that the Crew of the Airship Forgotten Freedom are Forbidden from engaging in

1. Do not attempt to rub nair over the shifter first mate while she is asleep.

2. Do not taunt Cardinal Krozen about his inability to capture/kill the Crew. It's not bad, just tacky.

3. Do not taunt the The Lords of Dust about their inability to capture the Crew. It really should be bad, but it's not. Still tacky.

4. Do not taunt Queen Aurala about her inability to capture the Crew. Otherwise she'll stamp her foot and pout.

5. Do not shoot the villain while he's monologuing, no matter how long he takes.

6. There will be NO referring to King Kaius as Mein Furher or goosestepping to his orders.

7. Even if he speaks in a thick German accent.

8. Even if the secret service wears jack boots.

9. Even if they're seeking the Ark.

10. ALRIGHT, THEY'RE NAZIS...SWEET TIRA MIRRON.

11. The Captain forbids the Elf from referring to Tira Mirron as a "Great Lay", "The Feisty Wench", and "The Naughty Girl who liked to lick."

12. The crew will not attempt to make the Paladin break his vows.

13. The crew will not point out the Paladin has already done so by being on a Pirate ship.

14. The crew will not use the Forgotten Freedom to buzz dinosaurs.

15. No matter how cool they look when they scamper.

16. ESPECIALLY NOT during halfling festival days.

17. The Lord of Blades does not need to see the Wizard for a heart.

18. He does not need oiling when it rains, nor is this an effective battle strategy against him.

19. Nor does he need a diploma, medal, or any combination of these things.

20. The Lord of Blades is not to be referred to as "Skippy"

21. Nor is Pontiff Jaela

22. Even if she skips alot.

23. Queen Aurala is not the Wicked Witch of the West

24. Even if she is a witch and lives in the West and is of dubious morality.

25. Throwing water on her is not a means of "Undoing her wickedness"

26. Pontiff Jaela is not to be referred to as "Lolita"

27. Nor will she be referred to as "Major Hot Babe when she grows up."

28. ...even if she will be.

29. Erandis D'Vol cannot be stopped by dropping a House on her.

30. Nor can Queen Aurala.

31. King Boranal will not be invited to Frat Keggers or Orgies with Changeling Girls.

32. Even if he's game.

33. King Kaius is not the last boss in the Castlevania series.

34. Nor is his mortal enemy Simon Belmont.

35. It is wrong to cast magic mouth spells to play "The Phantom of the Opera" when he enters the room.

36. Or eat garlic pizza before talking to him.

37. Or hold up mirrors behind him while mouthing the word "Vampire."

38. Queen Aurala is not to be referred to as Glinda.

39. You cannot summon a Rajah by saying 'Hastur' three times.

40. Or a Daelkyr by saying "Candyman" into a mirror.

41. Dolgrim's do not have one head that always lies and one that always tells the truth.

42. The Aerenal elves will not be referred to as "The creepy Goth elves."

43. Nor are the Deathless described as "Undead who all dress like they're in a 70s glam rock band."

44. We will not rob the Lightning Rail wearing scarves on our faces.

45. If we do, we won't claim to be trying to conduct a Time Travel experiment.

46. Even if we are.

47. Valenar Elves are not to be called "Romulans"

48. You will not compare a Valenar Elves' performance to Legolas

49. Even if Legolas could do it much better.

50. I am the reincarnation of King Jarlot, none of you are.

51. I will not attempt to restart the Great War for "kicks"

52. Dwarves will not be referred to as "The Swiss."

53. Even if they have fine chocolate and good cheezes.

54. No, it is a rumor you can conquer Aundair by simply walking into it.

55. It is wrong to use Ventriloquism to predict the end of the world in a cathedral in Thrane.

56. The Quori are not to be referred to as "The Q" or are their activities from "The Q Continium."

57. The changeling is forbidden from deliberately appearing as Earth celebrities she has no idea exist.

58. Darguun are not to be called "Klingons."

59. Even if they have swords suspiciously similiar to them.

60. Riedra is not Japan or China or any other Oriental culture, so I cannot go there to spot me some Asian Chicks.

61. The Monk will also not use the word "WO PAW!" after every strike.

62. Shifters cannot be Catgirls.

63. Or Foxgirls.

64. OR BUNNY GIRLS.

65. Even if they were I could not make a mansion of them and sell their pictorials.

66. When conducting robberies, I will not give wedgies to Dragonshard house nobles because they 'richly deserve it.'

67. Merrix D'Cannith is not to be referred to as "Lex Luthor, greatest crimminal mastermind inventor of the 11th century!"

68. Even if he's bald, an inventor, and a supervillain.

69. Q'barra is not the home of voodoo, plantations, or good cajun cooking.

70. Kobolds are not to be called "Spot", "Fido", or "Rover"

71. Nor will you attempt to teach them 'tricks'

72. Kobolds do not speak in an accent similiar to Ren nor do they say things like "It is not I who am crazy, it is I who am MAD!"

73. There will be no characters accepted who are Lysander Bugbear pilots named Baloo.

74. Nor will lovable kid sidekicks named Cloudkicker with Tenser Floating Disks.

75. You will not refer to a wand of fireballs as your "Boom Stick"

76. The Mockery is not your Copilot.

77. Nor the Traveller.

78. Queen Aurala is not to be referred to as the "Virgin Queen" in a derogitory manner.

79. Any rumors that such a name is inappropriate because of me is to be squashed.

80. Halflings of Clan Boramar are not to speak like they're Italian or in the Godfather.

81. Nor is Joe Peschi a Halfling.

82. Even if he claims so.

83. You cannot play four Turtle Ninja Shifters.

84. It is wrong to refer to King Boranal's daughter as a fine piece of ***

85. Even if she is.

86. I will not attempt to turn the Forgotten Freedom into a Pimp Mobile

87. The Gods of Eberron do not fail to appear on the earthly plane because I am "THAT" badass...

88. Kalashatyr are not to be referred to as the Tokra.

89. Nor the Quori as G'ould.

90. We are not the Crew of Firefly.

91. Nor Blake's 7.

92. Even if an Alliance is Chasing us.

93. I am to be referred to as Captain Jarlot not "Jack Sparrow" or "Keith Richards"

94. Even if there's a frightening resemblance sometimes.

95. Xen'drick is not to be referred to as "The land of stereotyped minorities brought to light by the glories of colonialism."

96. Pontiff Jaela is not to be referred to as "Ruri" or "Rei Ayanami"

97. No, you cannot wear the pope hat.

98. Even if she lets you.

99. It is wrong to attempt to make the Lord of Blades sing "Daisy"

100. He is not to be referred to as R.O.B.B.I.E or any other warforged.

101. No, I cannot stencil in a Dragonmark for powers.

102. Especially not the Dragonmark of Death

#103 has been lost to the sands of time.

104. Repeat after me, I did not cause the Day of Mourning.

105. I am not Batman

106. The Demon Wastes will not be referred to as "Athas"

107. A Mel Gibson look alike is not driving around The Mournland in a V8.

108. What most Mourners do not need is "A good slap"

109. Sieg Heil is not the correct manner of greeting King Kaius.

110. Being a pirate does not make me the ultimate enemy of Ninjas.

111. Being a pirate does not make Boo Radely our King or the Mockingbird something we must figure out how to kill.

112. The proper response to a defeated foe offering surrender is not

"ALL YOUR BASE, ARE BELONG TO US!"

113. Or

"YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO DESTRUCTION!"
"HAHAHAHAHA."

114. Even if I laugh like hell.

115. There is not a secret plot to combine Dark Sun and the Council of Wyrms and the Flanaes into one setting on Eberron to save money.

116. Even if they did it with Forgotten Realms

117. You shall not argue the merits of the attractive paladin turning tricks "for the good of the party."

118. Bards are not to be shot on sight for being worthless.

119. Nor shall Gnomes.

120. The Gnomes of Zilargo are not the cast from Cruel Intentions and every soap opera in history.

121. People from the Eldeen Reaches do not have Plaid outfits and talk like Hillbillies.

122. I will not make "You might be from the Eldeen Reaches" lists.

123. Making only the Orcs like this is not a substitute.

124. The Aurrum are not led by Blofeld.

125. Or Doctor Evil.

126. Austin Powers is not a member of the King's Citadel.

127. James Bond is.

128. I will never under ANY circumstances shout "My name is Indigo Montoya, You killed my father. Prepare to die"

129. Even if they did.

130. You will not try and hum the 2001 theme when encountering Quori monoliths.

131. Boris and Natasha do not work for Karrnath.

132. King Kaius is not to be referred to as "Fearless Leader"

133. Moose and Squirrel are not good codenames for the party when doing undercover work against them.

134. The Wardens of the Forrest are not to be referred to as the Harpers.

135. Nor are they lead by Elminster.

136. I will not when meeting Kalashatyr shout "Wait, I've met you before in the ancient civilization of the Giants in a previous life. Yes, ATLANTIS!"

137. Even if I did.

138. I will not attempt to rescue party members from the Realm of the Dead by saying to the Maruts "You know a guy thirty miles away is trying to sneek a way a soul. He's invisible so look really for an hour."

139. If the condition for releasing a party member is not to look back at them. Do not simply stick your hands behind your head to block your vision and claim it works.

140. You are not in 8-bit nor is "Haddokken" or "Stabbity death" a answer for anything.

141. I will not build a spelljammer to surf on the Ring of Siberys.

142. I will not use Khyber shards to summon Elvis.

143. Warforged are not to be my butlers.

144. The Chamber is not to be called "The Dragonati"

145. Rakashasas are not members of the Masons or effette British Indian Colonialists.

146. Sharn is not "New York only more flying carpets"

147. The Gatekeepers are not an anime about communist fears of Japan.

148. The proper battle cry for a female moonspeaker is not "IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I WILL PUNISH YOU!"

149. Even if you are a SAILOR Moonspeaker

150. House Cannith is not Shin-ra nor is it possible to find Aeris selling flowers in Sharn.

151. Being from Karrnath is not reason enough to wear a German barmaid's outfit.

152. Especially if you are a man.

153. As a child, Queen Aurala did not have a gingerbread house that she lured you to try and eat you.

154. If she does own a magic mirror, it's not to scry the land so she can put to sleep girls who are more attractive than her or lock them in towers.

155. You will not shout "my ass" when talk of her benevolent rule is spoken.

156. The Thrane Royal Family will not be referred to as "the most useless monarchy since Britains."

157. Even if one of you happens to be a subject of the Queen of England (and Canada)

158. Merrix D'Cannith is not building a giant *fingerwag* laser on one of the moons.

159. You will not pretend to be Boranal's bastard son.

160. Even if it's 50-50 likely.

161. You will not try and use the Silver Flame to roast marshmellows.

162. Or weenies.

163. You will not ask if you can put a rotessary over it.

164. BBQ over it does not taste better because of that 'spiritual goodness.'

165. I will not claim to have had sex with Dol Arrah

166. Or Arawai.

167. Or the Fury

168. Especially not at once.

167. Elves do not react to dog whistles.

168. Kobolds do.

169. Erandis D'Vol is not "Vecna's teenage Goth daughter."

170. No I cannot import kender via the Plane of Shadows to leave a mark of fear and terrror across the land.

171. Five warforged cannot join together with five magic medallions to become Voltron.

172. It is wrong to tell warforged this.

173. The Blood of Vol did not get started by the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

174. Breland's Collosus of Freedom does not have "Give me your rich, your pretty, and your gulliable" on her tablet.

175. The airship's mechanic shall not be referred to as "Cid"

176. Dragonshards will not be referred to as "Materia"

177. Or Mana.

178. You will not hum the Legend of Zelda theme while walking

179. It is not a compliment to toss catnip on shifters and watch them trip out.

180. Argonessan is not Australia, I don't know where you got the idea and all dragons do not suddenly talk like the Crocodile Hunter.

181. Jedi is not an acceptable prestige class because all things can be found in Eberron.

182. Nor can you refer to the bugbear as Chewie.

183. Cyre will not mutate superintelligent apes and they will eventually replace us all so we might as well blow the planet now.

184. The Emerald Claw is a frightening group of terrorists and undead worshippers, they are not to be judged by the fact their name sounds like a strip club or oriental restaurant.

185. When the Quori view my dreams I cannot imagine them stomped on by Godzilla to kill them.

186. The Tarrasque is not Godzilla...IN ANY WORLD.

187. Bone Knights should not be challenged by saying "You get a real boner for combat huh?"

188. the proper response for a mysterious NPC giving a mission is to not spit whiskey on them and then set them on fire.

189. Booty from treasure hunts will not be referred to as "bling bling."

190. When we see a distress signal we do not say "F*** that! We're taking this boat to Risa."

191. It's wrong to capture Dinosaurs and try to open a park on some island near Xen'drick.

192. The proper response when meeting the son of Queen Aurala is not to say "You know your mom's a real **** right?"

193. If Queen Aurala is ever successfully kidnapped, you will not try her for witchcraft by putting a fake nose on her and weighing her against a duck.

194. Jaela's birthday six years from now will not be a cause for celebration because she turns 'legal'

195. You will not beat the crazzap out of Royal Eyes members on principle.

196. Or causally announce their status as spies in crowded marketplaces.

197. Putting up your cloak in blood daylight does not add +1 to your Hide/Sneak check.

198. The Day of Mourning did not result in mass mutations that created the Eberron version of the X-men

199. Or the Incredible Hulk.

200. You will not pistol whip Prince Jurian.

201. Unless I order you too.

202. Queen Aurala is not even a Magic user! Why the hell do you keep making the Witch jokes!?

201. Prince Oargev's name is not a euphemism for his sexual leanings.

202. Cyre was not Naboo nor was the Day of Mourning righteous revenge for the Prequels.

203. The Daughters of Sora Kell are not a Lilith Fair band.

204. You will not ask any Rakashasa Prince to endorse frosted flakes by saying "They'reee GREAAAAAT!"

205. You may shorten my rank to Cap'n, however my surname is Jarlot, not "Crunch"

206. You may not hang five warforged from the keel to make a Newton's cradle.

207. That right is reserved for me and me alone.

208. You will not build a stepladder into the Warforged.

209. Or a bucket seat.

210. Or an umbrella.

211. The Warforged is not a nutcracker.

212. Nor can he light fires by snapping his fingers.

213. You will not refer to Esravash as “that old windbag”

214. The Warforged will not be referred to as “Johnny 5.”

215. The Artificer will not be referred to as “Macguyver” unless that is his name.

216. You may not name an Artificer “Macguyver.”

217. You are not Indiana Jones, this is not the Temple of Doom.

218. Even if is looks like it.

219. You will not randomly push people off bridges in Sharn “to see if gravity still works.”

220. You are not Korben Dallas.

221. You are not named Gar ir’Baldi, and you are not the security chief of Argonth 5.

222. …though that’s not a bad idea for a campaign.

223. Aerenal Elves are not to be referred to as “Hot Topic Elves”

224. You will not greet Valenar Elves by yelling “Ya Hya Chouhada!”

225. Valenar Elves do not speak with a bad Middle Eastern accent.

226. …or “praise allah.”

227. You may not be the gnomish bard who invented the saxophone.

228. There is no football stadium in Sharn, and Sharn’s team does not have Juggernaught linemen.

229. Your Boots of Striding and Springing do not have the “swoosh” logo on them.

230. Dragons are not Vorlons.

231. Daelkyr are not Shadows.

232. The Tarrasque will not be reffered to as “Mr. T.”

233. Mr. T. will not be imitated under any circumstances.

234. Nor will MC Hammer.

235. Or Michael Jackson.

236. Singing “Thriller” or “Living Dead Girl” in the company of Aerenal Elves is not acceptable.

237. The Changeling will not use the Warforged to break his fall.

238. Your Shifter was not an original cast member of “CATS”

239. Your Bard’s name is not Idina, Maureen, Elphaba, or Aida.

240. King Boranel will not be referred to as “gramps.”

241. You will not carry a largeish bath towel and a book that you claim contains all the information you need to survive out there.

242. You will not shoot down the Giant Owl and Gargoyle members of Sharn’s postal service.

243. Good Warforged are not Autobots, evil ones are not Decepticons.

244. Warforged Druids are not Maximals or Predacons, for that matter.

245. You will not, under any circumstance, use the word “kender.”

246. You are not allowed to refer to Warforged as “Cylons.”

247. You are not allowed to pick fights with the leaders of major religions.

248. You are not allowed to hit on them either.

249. …especially if doing so would violate Thranish age of consent laws.

250. That wand is not your pimp stick, and please take off that stupid hat.

251. Refering to the shifter as "Whiskers", "Mittens", "Garfield", "Princess Froo-Froo", "Kitty", or "Fluffy" is strickly prohibited... while he is within earshot.

252. Despite the fact that House Cannith has a mostly Warforged staffed Concierge service, it is not appropriate to call all Warforged you meet after that "Concierge".

253. Despite the fact that Merrix d'Cannith wears a rainbow wig, a t-shirt that says "I <3 Warforged", and drools all over himself mumbling "Mournlands..." does not mean that you can make fun of him... while he is within earshot.

254. Under no circumstances are you to refer to King Kaius as "Lord Zed", nor Queen Auralia as "Rita Repulsa". They are not both in cahoots to stop us from saving the world, nor are they plotting to send giant monsters into Sharn.

255. Pope Jaela is *not* River Tam, and you may not invite her to come with us on our journey.

256. Even if she wants to.

257. And even if the paladin thinks she'll be "dreamy" in a couple of years.

258. Yes, I am aware that the paladin is female; let a man have his dreams.

259. You will not refer to the captains of other ships (land or air based) as "The guy that's about to be thrown overboard."

260. Even if that is so very, very true.

261. King Borenal's mother was not, in fact, a hampster. Nor did his father smell of elderberries. Any assertions to the contrary will be met with deadly force by the Darklanterns.

262. Using the skyskiff to pick up chicks is stricktly prohibited.

263. Unless you bring back enough for everyone.

264. After the Captain orders you to clean the boat, you will not tell him to "go wax his prow" or "get the mast out of his poop deck".

264. Though you are a shifter, you do not have the "heart of a lion, wings of a bat"; no matter how much you want them.

265. We are not changing the name of the boat to Limozeen.

266. The Eldeen Reaches are not "the best place to pitch trash over the side of the ship". Do you *not* understand the concept of Druids?

267. Wroat is not short for "Deep Wroat" despite what those Changeling "escorts" told you.

268. No, you cannot have the cleric cast Remove Disease on you now. You have to suffer for a bit. We warned you about Droaam girls, but *no*, you didn't listen.

269. Besides, he has to cast Remove Disease on me first. And I'm the Captain. So there.

270. House Lyrandar does *not* speak Al Bhed, despite similar clothing styles and airship useage. "Ku clnaf ouincamv!" and "Ouin sudran ec y fruna!" are not a good conversation starters.

271. There is not a Black Mage Academy; and even if there was, you couldn't go study there.

272. Under no circumstances are you to sing the theme of "The Greatest American Hero" while you are riding a soarsled through Sharn.

273. Do not refer to the Warforged as "Man of Steel Man".

274. After casting Fireball at the Lord of Blades, calling him "LOBster Thermadore" is just adding insult to injury.

275. So feel free to do that any time the occasion arises.

276. The Seren barbarians do not speak with heavy Cockney accents. Calling them Guv'nah will just **** them off more.

277. King Kaius is not "a blatant rip off of that Angel character". Saying such things to his face is frowned upon, and my result in your quite timely death.

278. The Aurum are not to be refered to as "Ferengi".

279. The ship's cabin boy is not to be refered to as "anchor".

280. Despite having been used as such on several occasions.

281. We will not pay for a Reincarnate, Ressurection, or True Ressurection after you are smote for making innapropriate advances toward Pope Jaela.

282. I don't care if she was wearing a short skirt.

283. You will not refer to the Paladin's Wand of Cure Light Wounds as "The Magic Stick".

284. It is not okay to ask her to "hit it twice" if she has already used a charge on you.

285. "Why don't you come back to my place and exercize the demon?" is *not* anything resebling a good pick up line, and may not be used on any cleric, paladin, or priest of any religion.

286. Especially if you're a Tiefling or Half-Fiend.

287. Especially not Jaela.

288. Paladins of the Silver Flame are not to be refered to as "Flamer Crusaders".

289. Nor may you accompany that insult with a limp wristed wave.

290. Talenta Halflings do not like being called "Barney riding Kender".

291. Limericks are stricktly forbidden after the incident at the Cathedral of the Silver Flame. Let us never speak of it again.

292. Gorgons do not make good house pets.

293. Neither do cockatrices. I am not paying for another Stone to Flesh.

294. When the Paladin uses Turn Undead, it does not make her into a zombie. Telling the townsfolk such things is a bad practice.

295. You may not mock the Paladin if she fails a Turn Undead attempt by asking her if she was "Turning Japanese" by mistake.

296. Going fishing for dinosaurs while hovering over the Talenta Plains is *not* a good idea.

297. If you catch a rider along with the dinosaur, calling it a "two-fer" in their presence may make someone upset.

298. Not me, though, because that's hillarious.

299. The Captain is not to be refered to as "Cap'n Mehoff".

300. There are not 15 houses. House Atreides, House Harkonnen, and House Corrino are *not* real. You just got really drunk.

301. Don't tell that to Baron Harkonnen, though, he gets really sensative about those kinds things.

302. The Valenar are not Fremen, they will not teach you how to ride sandworms. Stop asking them.

251. When a Gatekeeper druid tells you his faction, the appropriate response is never "I am the Keymaster!"

252. When sneaking through the Keeper's lair, it's not a good idea to point at one of the Shards and say "Hey, is that Elvis?"

253. Stop asking every changeling you meet whether you can join the Dominion.

254. The state of accelerated action and awareness created by Time Stop is not to be referred to as "bullet time" or "entering the Matrix".

255. When your elemental galleon comes in to dock, with a wharf ahead and to its right, it is not appropriate to exclaim "There's klingons on the starboard bow!"

257. It's wrong to try and make warforged obey the Three Laws of Robotics.

258. The return of the Dhakaani empire will not be like the South Rising Again.

259. The Dawning of the Next Age of the Kalashatyr will not be when the Moon is in the Second house and Jupiter aligns with Mars....

260. Shadowrun is not the official future for Eberron.

261. Harry Potter does not attend Hogwarts in Aundair.

262. Despite what the rules say, tossing a bag of rats over someone while you have great cleave doesn't allow you to hit them a dozen times in a single turn.

263. Lhazaar is not pronounced "Laz E Boy"

264. It is wrong to tell warforged that the proper greeting for a stranger from a culture he hasn't visited is to punch him in the face.

265. The solution to every problem is not "Blow them all to Hell with fireballs and let god sort them out."

266. Thaliost isn't to be referred to as Belfast.

267. It is wrong to linger in King Kaius' undead harem.

268. Even if I do.

269. The Crusade against werecreatures was not motivated by furry porn and it's wrong to spread this.

270. Money acquired from corpses, treasure chests, robbed victims, and the like will be stored in banks and not buried on unfamiliar islands or placed in other dungeons with monsters hired from Droam to guard them.

271. We will not try and open this as an alternative to Mror Hold banking.

272. It's wrong to tell warforged that the Treaty of Thronehold was fake and they're their secret contact to give them orders to rise up and slaughter all the humans the day after you leave.

273. The words "RAMMING SPEED" will be ordered by the Captain and the Captain alone on this vessel.

274. It is not permissable for the wizards onboard to 'Aurala Slap' a sorcerer with his spellbook

275. Even if the Sorcerer laughs about them having to use books.

276. I will not psyche up warforged before battle by saying "You do not know pain, you do not know fear, you will taste Man Flesh!"

277. Even if they are really curious about what manflesh tastes like.

278. It's wrong to point out that Cardinal Kronzen looks exactly like Tim Curry.

279. And that he looks like Monty Burns when he taps his fingers together and says "Excellllllent."

280. And that he usually reveals his plans by just turning to the side and muttering things like "Do they suspect I intend to have the King killed?"

281. I will not refer to the Queen's champion in Thrane as D'Artangne.

282. We will not give the money we steal from the rich to the poor.

283. Even if we told the Paladin this.

284. And we operate from an Eldeen Reaches forrest..

285. Called Sherwood...

286. And we're all very Merry.

287. It is wrong to tell the warforged that "You can kiss my robot ass." is a socially acceptable response to all questions.

288. Cloud Strife and Squall Lionheart are not recruitable to our cause nor will we use our money to open up mercenary acadmies called Gardens.

289. It is wrong to liberally quote Braveheart to incite Rebellion in Northern Breland.

290. Not only is it very wrong to offer Pontiff Jaela candy to get in a coach with you...this Pirate ship in no way condones what you're thinking.

291. Clicking your heels is not a way to greet Kaius' daughter.

292. Or to take you back to Kansas.

299.Our next target is not the Ruby encrusted slippers of Aurala's sister so we can go back there.

300. The Trust are not Gnome Ninjas.

301. We will not buy a submarine to hunt warships of the Brelish crown.

302. Nor can you refer to me as Nemo.

303. Even if the Island I own is mysterious.

304. This ship is not a Democracy and you cannot vote me off as leader.

305. Or my island.

306. Dungeons and Dragons the movie is not set in Aundair. Even we recognize Aundair has more value than that.

307. It is wrong to attempt to rig the Race of Winds in Sharn....

308. So the Tortoise wins.

309. Selina Kyle is not a Shifter Rogue.

310. Clayface is not a Fat Changeling.

311. I repeat, I am not Batman.

312. You will never ask the Cult of the Dragon below worshipping the Dark Six to allow you to choose the form in which the Traveller shall come.

313. Even if the marshmellows will make us a bundle.

314. I do not know Kung fu.

315. Only the Monk Does.

316. The Monk does not know drunken boxing however...

317. The monk cannot refer to junior crew as "grasshopper"

318. Jaela cannot defeat evil by getting a team of young girl priestesses together who wear short skirts...it's wrong to tell her there's a sacred reason for it.

319. She does not have a Silver Millenium Crystal.

320. It is wrong to tell her "COSMIC FLAME POWER" is an appropriate statement for the use of high level attack spells.

321. The Knights of Thrane are not the Flaming Knights...

(special thanks above)

322. Shouting Attacks before I do them is just dumb

323. I will not breed Abberations using spells to make them cute in the hope of creating Pokemon.

324 ....or Chocobos.

325. The Lord of Blades does not have a whacky sidekick plotting against him called Starscream.

326. Jaela being the Chosen is meant that she will be their spiritual leader and guide. It does not mean that she will get a highly educated Brelish demonologist to follow her while she hunts demons.

327. King Boranal is not Sean Connery, I don't know why the crew keeps using Sean Connery's accent to immitate him.

328. You are not allowed to use a warforged's severed head with a light spell as an impromptu everbright lantern.

329. Even if it's dark in the sewers of Sharn and you forgot to bring yours.

330. No, the warforged fighter cannot hurl the shifter barbarian at his enemies.

331. Even with an action point.

332. *sigh* Ok, roll your Strength check.

333. The changeling cannot absorb the Talenta barbarian into herself and gain extra HP nor can she gain one use of the Rage ability.

334. The martial artists at the embassy ball are members of the Royal Eyes of Aundair, not members of the "Crazy 88".

335. The one on the left is not Gordon Liu.

336. Even if he's bald and has a mask.

337. When an agent of the Lord of Blades is defeated you shall not yell: "The Snitch! Fetch me my broom of flying, quick!" upon the appearance of a final messenger.

338. Warforged are intelligent and articulate. They do not go around saying "WARFORGED!" all the time.

339. When discovering dangerous eldritch machines in secret House Cannith research facilities, it is in bad form to yell: "We found the weapons of mass destruction!"

340. There is no such thing as a Dragonmark of Caring nor does my Bear Shifter have it on his tummy.

341. The party mage must be refraned from telling the guards "These arent the warforged youre looking for."

342. The bard must be immediately slain upon uttering the words "Anyone want to hear some Depeche Mode?"

343. Even if someone does.

344. The warforged must be discouraged from yelling "EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE!!" at random.

345. The Silver Flame is not lit by propane.

346. Nor is it the Olympic flame.

347. Nor is it a trash incinerator.

348. We do not 'Dump our garbage before going to lightspeed.'

349. Warforged are not Omnimechs.

350. They arent protomechs, either. So stop cutting them open to 'make sure the pilot is dead.'

351. We don't do orbital bombardment.

352. Air strikes are still okay.

353. Our job is not "To kill our enemies, see them driven before us, and hear the lamentations of their women". Thats what we do on our days off.

354. Musnt use the fire elemental powering the airship to light cigars.

355. Elves dont call people "Mr. Anderson".

356. The warforged isnt named Bender.

357. He doenst run on alcohol, either.

358. Dont hum the 'Lumberjack' song around someone from the Eldeen Reaches.

359. Unless you really want to.

360) Yes, everyone DOES expect the 'Thranish Inquisition'! They've already done it twice. Stop saying otherwise.

361) Any warforged uttering the phase, "I'll be back," will under no circumstances be allowed to reboard the ship.

362) Darkvision is not 'Infravision' . You cannot hide yourself from it by setting your surroundings on fire.

363) If you are a Valanar Elf traveling with 12 demon waste barbarians, you may not refer to yourself as Ahmad Ibn Fadlan or "the thirteenth warrior."

364) Even if you are.

365) Kalashtar, or Psions in general, named Akira or Tetsuo will be immediately pitched overboard (regardless of altitude).

366) Repeat after me: "The Mournland is not the world's greatest open air dungeon."

367) Even though it is.

368) The Lord of Blades does not have any difficulty whistling "Pop goes the weasel."

369) Nor does he get his abilities from the Autobot Matrix.

370) Shouting "Victory is mine!" is a sure way to have it wrested from you at the most inopportune moment.

371) The name of this airship is the Forgotten Freedom, not the 'millenium falcon', the 'bebop', or the 'titanic.'

372) Those are travelling papers, not a "multi-pass." Stop refering to them as such.

373) Any spellcaster whose somatic component for web is to fold his ring and middle finger back onto his palm while flexing his hand down at the wrist is simply begging to be stabbed in his sleep.

374) You cannot polymorph your crewmates into uninjured versions of themselves simply because no one bothered to play a cleric.

375) Whoever sold you that information regarding the location of a dragon orb ripped you off.

376) And no, it isn't worth investigating "just in case."

377) Halflings and gnomes in Eberron are not to be played simply for comic relief.

378) Otter shifters named "Mudge" will be feathered with arrows on sight, just on general principle.

379) As will "Jon-Tom," his human bard companion.

380) And any oracle pigs brought on board will be butchered for bacon & ham.

381) Refering to Cyrans as having "Gulf War Syndrome" is very uncouth, and will not be tolerated.

382) Even if you and I WERE both there.

383) You will not attempt, under any circumstances, to pay a hoard of homeless bums a few cp each to follow you around and 'overbear' any opponents you yourself cannot defeat.

384) Even though that is really funny.

385) Nor will you refer to me as "B.A." simply because I will not allow you to do any of the 384 things that come before this rule.

386. If we successfully steal a submarine, we will not paint it yellow.

387. Dreamlilly is not known as pot in other worlds.

388. We are already the most wanted group in all of Eberron. Do not attempt to place bets on who can get their bounties up higher.

389. You will not humiliate guardsmen...

390. Unless they really have it coming.

391. Wayne Brady does not have to choke a ho.

392. Nor do you.

393. It is inappropriate to ho out the Catgi...err shifter.

394. If you do then do not put her in a diamond studded collar.

395. Even if she really likes it.

396. ESPECIALLY do not attach a leash to it.

397. Aundair is the nation of Magicians, Artists, and Intrigue, not the land of "Frog's legs eating surrender monkeys."

398. Morgaive University is not to be referred to as "Miskatonic University."

399. Even if it has a copy of the Necronomicron in it's library and an abnormally high rate of doomed expeditions into the unameable reaches.

400. I will not feed warforged screws, nuts, and bolts at dinner time.

401. The warforged is not to refer to me or any other human as "meatbags"

402. Dragons will never be referred to as "Puff."

403. Nor will you offer them maidens as a sacrifice.

404. Especially not female crew members who won't put out.

405. I will not attempt to graft warforged parts onto my body and ask to use the Rules of Shadowrun for this.

406. I will not pretend Mage the Ascension rules is optional for D&D.

407. Or Exalted.

408. I am not Captain Harlock nor am I the Rubber Band character from One Piece.

409. Any attempt to test this will result in walking the plank.

410. Which is not a metaphor for homosexuality.

411. The Plank is not a diving board.

412. Nor can you have the shifter girl use a lifeboat to turn tricks...

413. Or call it "Inara's shuttle"

414. The ship's library is not to be emptied and replaced with nothing but porno and Ann Rand.

415. Even if that would change nothing.

416. When fighting the Lord of Blades you will NOT sing "You've got the Touch"

417. Dare to be stupid is appropriate.

418. As pirate, we find talking like a pirate day to be unnecessary.

419. Especially just to make conversations incomprehensible.

420. Marish the Shifter Girl is to be reminded her race is terrifying and feral, not cute and fuzzy.

420. Despite its bad attiude, the druid's Awakend Horrid Rat is NOT named Foamy.

421. If a skiff crashes in a city, we arent going after it. This aint "Air Ship Down".

422. Thou shalt NOT repel boarders with Alchemists Fire.

423. We dont make bombing runs with "Bigby's Crushing Tactical Nuke".

424. Unless we have a pool going as to who can get the closest to the target.

425. A Karnnathi Skeleton or Zombie is not a Deadite.

426. You are not allowed to send Arawai a Mother's Day card, signed "The Fury".

427. The proper way to repair a warforged does not involve an Erector set.

428. The warforged is not on this ship to sell drinks.

429. We dont know the way to San Jose.

430. Dont call the shifter to a meal by shouting "HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY."

431. Even if he asks you to.

432. Dont use Alter Self to get at King Kaius' harem.

433. Ever.

434. Using Prestidigation to paint some one hot pink while they sleep is tacky.

435. Funny, but tacky.

436. The Deck of Many things isnt to be used for a game of poker.

437. Or blackjack.

438. Or Baccarat.

439. Or Old Maid.

440. When given an order by the captain, the correct response is 'Yes, sir.' Not 'sez you.'

441. We dont deliver pizza in 30 minutes or less.

442. In Eberron, killing them because they are goblins is not encouraged...

443. Even if the vast majority of them are still evil.

444. Flumphs do not attach themselves to people's faces and lay their eggs until they burst out of a person's chest...

445. Even if that would make them a much better creature.

446. Singing I like Darguneese to the tune of "I like Chinese" will not win you friends.

447. No you CANNOT outdrink the dwarf...

448. Do not refer to Boranal as Azoun, Arthur, or Aragorn.

449. No Erandis D'Vol is not Fistdantilius' daughter or Skeletor's sister or the girl from the Corpse bride.

450. Stop spreading rumors that Merrix D'Cannith runs a chocolate factory with a Xen'drick orange gnome race and that you can get in by finding golden tickets hidden worldwide.

451. Marish the shifter girl cat is not McDonalds, no matter how many she's served.

452. Do not refer to Henchmen crew as "Red Shirts"

453. Do not play Taps when we're exiting the ship with the Henchmen crew just recruited.

454. We have a high enough fatality rate as it is, do not PK because you're having a really bad day at work and we've got a cleric with raise dead finally.

455. Alf is not our god nor is Long John Silvers our Temple. I don't even want to know how you came up with that link.

456. On a related note, Optimus Prime is not the warforged god and it is wrong to tell them so.

457. I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts, though I may kill you today

458 through 460. NO you cannot invent Gunpowder!

461. Singing "The Bare Necessities" is not a good way to endear yourself to a subsistence living Bugbear tribe.

462. Crew members Raistlin Majere, Drizzt Do'Urden, Kenshin Himora, and any variations on these above will be forced to fight to the death in a battle royal

463. And the winner's killed.

464. You are not allowed to use a halfling to go 'Dino fishing'.

465. You are not allowed to use a Fireball to go Dino giggin'.

466. The party cleric is not "Dr. Feelgood."

467. You are not allowed to ho out the shifter girl for 5 sp per trick.

467. Its 10 gp per trick.

468. You are not dating the Daughters of Sora Kell.

469. Erandis d'Vol is not to be refered to as "Lichie Lich".

470. Or "That dried up old Lich."

471. You are not allowed to train an army of kobolds and name them "Tuckers Kobolds".

471. Even if your name IS Tucker.

472. The warforged juggernaut is NOT the ships anchor.

473. Nor is he the airships 'emergency brake'.

474. Fnord does not exist

465) Getting the bard to play the Star War's theme and begging the cleric to tell you to "use the force" while you magic missle the portholes of enemy ships is expressly forbiden.

466) Suggesting to the captain that he aquire a regiment of Karnnathi dead for use as marines and rechristen the "Forgotten Freedom" the "Black Pearl" merits being marooned with a hand cross bow and one bolt on the Ring of Syberys.

467) Bards inclined to perform Wagner's "the Ride of the Valkiries" durring strafing runs will be sent below decks forthwith

468) Questioning Khalashtar crew members as to how "Harvy" is doing, wether or not they had a "prodigal room-mate" in college, or making any references to the possibility of their entire race being a bunch of paranoid
schizophrenics is frowned upon....even though its so true.

469) Use of divinations to see what Pontif Jeala is going to look like when she hits puberty is forbiden unless the rest of the crew is invited to see a well.

470. "Cause we're pirates!" is not an excuse for any action I choose to do.

471. I do not fear a crocodile that took my hand.

472. The first mate is not to be referred to as Smee.

472. My mortal enemy is not Peter Pan.

473. We will not ask the artificer to build a laser sword with guns on it that shoots other swords.

474. If we did, I would own it.

475. Shooting a man in the face because he asked for my identification is not an acceptable response...

476. Especially when we paid for fake IDs.

477. Queen Aurala is not the villainess in the movie "Willow."

478. No referring to the Engine Room chief as "Scotty"

479. Even if he is from the part of Breland they wear kilts in.

480. Pirates cannot survive falls of a million feet because we're Pirates and thus awesome.

481. It is wrong to test this on others.

482, It is wrong to put on a hockeymask and take a machete to chase co-eds around Lakes or Universities.

483. I don't care if you were really drunk when you did it.

484. Being a shapechanged druid does not give you permission to hump people's legs.

485. Or any other part of their body.

486. There are no crocodiles in the sewers of Sharn.

487. It is wrong to add them.

488. We do not have phasers or photon torpedoes.

489. Prince Jurian will not be "hoisted by his own petard" whenever we find him.

490. The proper response for disobediance from the shifter is bread and water at meal times, not spanking.

491. Illithids do not worship "Great Cthulhu."

492. When attacking a Riedran Stronghold guarded by Beholders, Elementalists, and Martial Artists...we do not do our best to act out Big Trouble From Little China.

493. There is not only one true God whose name is Keith Baker.

494. It is wrong to tell Worshippers of the Silver Flame that they worship a bunch of dead feathered snakes.

495. Rakashasas are not to be referred to as "Tony"

496. Vengeance from the Boramar clan does not take the form of a Fish being deliverered in the coat of an enemy.

497. You are not going to convince the head of the Boramar clan that he needs you as a psychiatrist.

498. It is wrong to use suggestion to convince Prince Oargev he's gay.

499. Umbargen will not be referred to as "the shrill voiced drow wannabes."

500. The Keep on the Borderlands is not Little nor is it inhabited by a bunch of wholesome homesteaders

 

 

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