Caldwellian Phrasebook

Foreword

In the unusual suburban community of Rohnert Park, there is a small non-denominational Christian church by the name of Rohnert Park Bible Church. I have attended (and currently attend) this church since 1996. It was at this church that I met the Caldwell siblings. Although they number four in total, I befriended three: Jonathan (the second-eldest of the four), Stephanie (third), and Benjamin (the fourth/youngest; also known as Benji); while Jeff, the eldest, was too far ahead of me in years to bother. Nonetheless, these three and I habitually play hacky-sack (a game in which a small cloth bag of polyester or other pseudo-plastic beads is kicked around with the objective of keeping it in the air) after church while our parents gab. It was during this time that I became familiar with the unusual linguistic style of the Caldwell siblings. It is in this text that I intend to explain this system of speech, at least in part. I will continue to update it as is merited.

Introduction to the System of Caldwellian Speech

To adequately speak Caldwellian and seem the least bit convincing, it is advisable to have the innate ability (or to gain it by practice and perhaps instruction) to control one’s voice to the point of being able to perform a large variety of vocal impressions, i.e. imitation of famous and/or non-famous people with distinct speech patterns and/or accents; imitation of accents from various geographical regions, etc. The Caldwell siblings all have this skill to a good degree, with the variety of vocal ranges differing among them. A number of common vocal tones they use are the Dweeb (the speaker attempts to sound vacant and rather unintelligent; usually marked by a pronounced movement of the lower jaw past the upper), the Screamer (the speaker speaks at a sort of screechy--though usually not loud--high tone that sounds somewhat angry), and the typical Caldwellian monotone (somewhat low in pitch with little variation). The Caldwellian monotone is used for ordinary, factual discussion that the speaker deems rather uninteresting but still necessary. However, the others (e.g. the Screamer and Dweeb) are used typically for the special feature of Caldwellian speech: the interjected phrase.

In Caldwellian speech, moments of activity (i.e. hacky-sack, work), moments where no one is speaking, or even moments in-between the words of ordinary conversation, are typically filled with, as I call them, “Caldwellian phrases.” These are short, often witty phrases consisting of one or a few words (although occasionally a short sentence is used) that often hold some inside meaning but still seem humorous to the outside listener. These are sometimes spoken in ordinary pitch (although rarely in the Caldwellian monotone) but often in other vocal methods like those listed above. They also make good filler text during instant-message (IM) sessions, and as such often make appearances there. Many do not have definition, but a good number of these particular phrases often have to do with context, and might never be used again if the same topic never arises again in conversation.

Also, as the Caldwells go to a typical high school, they are continuously exposed to the profane by their fellow students. To express the feeling of an obscenity without actually invoking it, the Caldwell siblings will shorten any well-known obscenity to its first letter. (A clever way of getting around the issue, if you ask me.) Thus, their morals are not compromised while they still express themselves in a dignified manner.

As you read, be sure to try pronouncing some of the phrases, as occasionally some will be pronounced in a way that may seem counterintuitive. Others will be entirely new, so use the included pronunciation aids to help you.

With all due respect,

William Condé

Phrases with Partial Discerned Meaning

(That is, a meaning-of perhaps many- has been discerned)

Aaaarrrr! (Ah/AH/are)- Usually spoken in the Screamer or in an otherwise angry tone, Aaaarrrr! expresses frustration. It is spoken with a sort of arrowhead intonation; that is, it is said in three pseudo-syllables, the second having the highest inflection and the third having the lowest, the first being in between. (The slashes in the pronunciation aid denote inflection points that are not actually syllables but sound like them.) It is commonly used by all three Caldwells, but especially Stephanie. See Also: Maaaannn!
Bad Llama (same)-Bad Llama is typically used when the speaker is irritated at someone or something and is spoken in sort of a half-Screamer, half-Dweeb mix. Most frequently used by Stephanie and Billy. (Other Llama phrases have also sprung up as a result of Billy’s psyche taking an intense liking to the original phrase.) For example: “You hit my hack on the roof! Bad llama!” The phrase takes its roots from the movie “The Emperor’s New Groove,” in which the main character was a South American emperor who was turned into a llama by a strange series of events.
Be Better (same)- Be Better was actually a phrase of my own invention, if memory serves, that was taken up by the Caldwells and still remains in usage. The italicized bet denotes the falling and somewhat frustrated-sounding tone of the phrase’s last syllable. The phrase always has meaning and usually arises when someone is asked to do something which they believe is ridiculous, preposterous, silly, or just plain impossible. The meaning arises from the fact that it is nearly impossible to make oneself better on the spot, as much as one-or others around them- would like.
Buck (same)-Buck is an abbreviation of the term “buck wild,” similar in meaning to “crazy/crazed.” For instance: “If Mom finds out about this, she’ll go buck.”
Cacienda (caw-see-end-duh)-Cacienda is a combination of the Spanish words “casa” and “hacienda,” which both mean “house.” Thus, it essentially also means “house.” (On a side note, the Caldwells often interject regular Spanish terms into their conversation as well.)
Confuzzled (Con-FUZZ-eld)-Confuzzled is essentially identical in meaning to the word confused. Most frequently used in IM sessions.
Didn’tDoIt (same, but words are conjoined together in one rapid sound)-Didn’tDoIt is one of the hyper-Benji phrases--Ben will occasionally say phrases with great speed that are often rather witty and useful. When Ben does something odd or is blamed with having done something of the sort, “Didn’tDoIt” is often the first thing that comes out of his mouth along with a wide-eyed glance. See Also: NotGettinIt
Dealio (deal-ee-oh): Dealio is used more or less interchangeably with the normal word “deal,” but especially in the method “What’s the dealio?” (Equivalent to the colloquial phrase, “What’s the deal?”, meaning, “Why is that in its particular disposition and/or what must be done to fix it?”)
Ewwwie (eeeyoooo-we): Ewwwie is used with roughly the same connotation as the common colloquial phrase “Ewww”--upon seeing, tasting, or otherwise sensing something gross and/or distasteful, though when said properly it is very amusing to hear.
Fat (same)-Fat usually is used in conjunction with the word “head” to describe someone who is being annoying. It can also be converted into an alternate meaning of Fatty: “Ben has such a fat head. He won’t let me use the computer.” “Ben is so fatty. He won’t…” (See Also: Fatty)
Fatty (same)-Fatty most often means “unusually large.” It can be used to describe the size or quantity of something neutral, good, or undesirable: “I have a fatty homework paper to do…” “Look at that fatty bruise!” “That fatty taco was so good…”
Fish (same)-Fish is a standard random phrase. It can be used to tie in other words that are not Caldwellian standard, though--i.e. “ha ha--fish face”. Good for IM sessions.
Float (same)-Float is a phrase that most nearly means “to go.” If one wishes to say that he or she is leaving, that person might say, “Well, I’ll float now.” It can also be used to express where one is going: “I’m gonna float over to Nolan’s. I’ll be back around 4.”
Glee (Gleeeeee)-Glee is usually pronounced in the Dweeb but is most frequently used in IM sessions. It denotes happiness, often when referring to the happiness of the person being talked to, and in particular when the person saying it doesn’t really care about what is making the talk-ee happy.
Grand (same)- Grand is a general term of positive meaning, except when used sarcastically. For example: “How are you today?” “Grand.” However, in an instance like this, it would be a good idea to determine if the speaker is being sarcastic by inquiring as to his or her recent events.
Honi (HAW-nee)- Honi is also often without meaning. It is most often used to attract the attention of one who is not paying attention, particularly when a hacky-sack is flying toward that person’s head. It is occasionally used, like Hot Soup, as a rhythm keeper during hacky-sack- See: Hot Soup. Sources differ, however, regarding its spelling. Some say that it is indeed spelled Honi, while others say it is doubled with alternate spelling--HaniHani. Take your pick.
(W)Hoot (same)-Hoot, with or without the (W), is most often used as a sarcastic sort of cheer. If, for example, I IM-ed to Stephanie that I was going camping, and Stephanie was nonplussed, Whoot might be the response given.
Hot (same)- Usually spoken in monotone or regular tones, Hot is uttered with rapidity and frequency. Hot is often without meaning, however, it can also mean something is good, satisfactory or pleasing. See Also: Hot Soup
Hot Soup (same) Hot Soup, when used any old time, is usually meaningless, but on occasion, similar in meaning to Hot. However, it is also used during hacky-sack as a sort of rhythm keeper: “Hot (whack) Soup (kick) Hot (smack) Soup (bop)…” and so on.
Juked (same)-Juked is similar in meaning to Raked (See: Raked), but sources differ on how it differs. It is under evaluation as to the exact meaning at this time.
Maaaannn! (Maa-AAA-an)- Similar to Aaaarrrrr! in inflection and meaning, Maaaannn! also expresses frustration. However, its usage distribution is roughly equal among the three siblings.
Madly (same)-Madly is typically used to mean “a lot,” as in “My eye itches madly.” Most common in IM sessions.
Narf/Fran (same)-Narf itself came from the cartoon show Pinky and the Brain. However, a common Caldwellian behavior during IM sessions is when one person uses a random phrase, the other person will reverse it. Narf was one of my favorite phrases for a while, and Fran came about as the result of its reversal. It is now used in both IM sessions and speech.
Nyet (knee-ett)-Taken from the similar Russian phrase meaning “no,” Nyet basically means no. It is occasionally lengthened into a hiss: “Nyetssss…” Very commonly uttered by Stephanie.
Oats (More or less the same)- Oats is more or less the same as its non-Caldwellian form. The main difference is that the O is hard; a “click” can almost be heard as it is intoned. Oats is typically used as a filler phrase, most frequently affirmative in nature. It may also be used in its full form Oatsenwagens (pronounced with the German w “v” sound). It also may be lengthened into a final hiss, like Nyet (See: Nyet)--”Oatssss…”
Pop (same)-Pop is often used in IM or e-mail, and is usually used to represent the taking away, malfunctioning, or sudden occurrence of something. It is frequently placed on a line of its own to add to its apparent wittiness.
Prolly (Prawl-y)-Prolly basically means “probably.” Common in IM sessions.
Raked (same)-Similar in meaning to the common slang terms “trashed” and “nuked,” Raked means that something was harmed and/or ruined, most often by someone. For example: “Maaaannn, Bailey raked my shoes. Now they’re all stained.”
Raul (raw-ool)-Raul is an imaginary persona that has filled a variety of service jobs from manservant to window washer. If someone asks one of the Caldwells who they are, and the Caldwell in question believes that the person asking knows it’s them, they may identify themselves as Raul in one of his many jobs. People whose names cannot be remembered may also be called Raul.
(I) Reckon (same)-I Reckon is an extremely common Caldwellian phrase. It is usually spoken in a sort of country accent, almost the sort you’d expect from someone who said it. When said, it usually means “I guess” or “I know.” It can also be used in the form of a question: “Do you reckon…?” In IM sessions or occasionally in speech, it may be shortened to reck.
Scald (same)-Scald is an abbreviation/Caldwellism that refers to Stephanie. She formed it by adjoining the first letter of her first name with the first four letters of her surname. It has since become a basis for portions of many of her usernames for various technological services.
The Snap-Happy (same)-The Snap-Happy is actually an action, rather than a phrase, but since it is not related directly to the sport of hacky-sack, it naturally fell to being placed in this portion of the dictionary. The Snap-Happy is performed by holding one’s middle finger and thumb together, as if he/she would be performing the regular form of the action known as “snapping,” but then holds those fingers stationary while moving the hand in a flicking motion, causing the index finger to hit the conjunction of the middle finger and thumb with much force. This action can be repeated, and becomes quite loud if performed properly.
Stoopid (stu-pid)-Stoopid has a rising-falling intonation, usually in a half-Screamer, half-Dweeb mix. It is used most frequently by Stephanie, with meaning similar to the regular word “stupid.”
Suh (same)-Suh is essentially used as it is in the southern regions of the country--a variant of “Sir.” When used in the Caldwellian regard, it is usually tacked onto a sentence as a reaffirmation of affirmative or negative sentiments, as in, “I don’t want to get my feet run over with a lawnmower, no suh.” Much more common in IM than speech.
Summat (some-mat)- Taken from certain literatures (as the Caldwells are fairly well-read), summat means “something.” And not much else.
Swell (same)-Swell is usually similar in meaning to Glee (See: Glee). It is often used in IM sessions and may be used as a synonym for “good.” Be on guard, however, for potential sarcastic use.
The Dweeb Laugh (Heeeeeeeeee)-The Dweeb Laugh is just that--a stupid-sounding laugh in the Dweeb tone usually intended to communicate that either the person who has just spoken is acting silly, or, the (usually sarcastic) comment the laugher has just made was designed to sound silly and/or stupid. The laugh is long but monotonic and monosyllabic.
Turkish Delight (same)- When one of the Caldwells read C. S. Lewis’ The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, they were intrigued by the boy Edmund’s love for a confection known as Turkish Delight. Unfortunately, no one in their family seemed to know what Turkish Delight exactly was, and all have since been on the lookout for a piece of Turkish Delight they could sample. Turkish Delight, as the phrase, is used occasionally in speech but more often during IM sessions to express that the speaker is pleased at the way something-usually the topic being discussed-has turned out. Used by all three Caldwells with roughly equal-though not frequent-usage.
Un (same)-Un, also derived from literature, means “one,” as in “He’s a little un” when referring to a small person.
Urgle (erg-el)-Urgle is frequently used in IM sessions, particularly when the speaker is frustrated or confused. May also be spelled Argle (pronounced arg-el). See also: Confuzzled.
Vurf (verf)-Vurf is a term invented during IM but of not-entirely-discerned meaning. It is supposed that its meaning may become apparent through further usage.
Whaaat?! (same but extended)-Like Maaaannn!, Whaaat?! is expressed by lengthening a common word, thus making it Caldwellian. Often spoken in any tone but Dweeb, the inflection of Whaaat?! is neutral or rising, and typically at a moderately high pitch.
Yorp (same--there’s no other way to spell it)-Yorp is a term which I invented and took the liberty of placing here due to its similarity to other Caldwellian phrases. Yorp is used like other interjected phrases, where it often has no meaning. If the speaker wishes it to have meaning, it is properly used in an affirmative method.

Hacky Sack Terms

These terms are either Caldwell-derived or in general usage among the hacky-sack community. Either way, the Caldwells use them regularly while playing hacky-sack.