This doesn't feel right...
Mood:  hug me
I need something else to focus my mind on so I don't give up my vow. Right now, the last thing I need is to cut my wrists again. It's hard thinking about the fact that Maddie knows. Talking to Sarah helps and at this point in time, I am awaiting her e-mail. I said some things that I shouldn't have said and am now regretting it. I feel the need to cry my eyes out, but no tears are coming.
Perhaps in a later entry, I will post the little thing that I am writing in my history notebook about the cutting. Sometimes I wish it would all just go away. No one deserves to carry such a burden, though many people do. My friend Jaimee cuts and it hurts to know that someone close is going through the same thing. It helps to know that you aren't the only person, but it still causes pain to know that others have to deal with it as well.
At this time, I would like to leave with a kind word or two.
I will do my best to stop cutting so that I will stop hurting Maddie and life can go back to normal. :) -end

It's happening again...
Mood:  down
Topic: What I fear
What I feel right now is basically the same way that I felt when I was writing my previous entry on this blog, except now it's more intense. I talked with Maddie last night for maybe 2 hours or more. I cried probably 3 times, though he only knows of one for sure. I cry a lot when I talk to him, but it all depends on the day. I can't help but fear that he is going to leave me soon. I think that if I propose it will scare him away, but I think he wants to get married so I don't know what I'm worried about.
I feel that our relationship will be the same as the past relationships that I have been in. We say we like/love each other for a couple months, maybe 3 or 4. Then after that, it all goes down hill and there's no more love. We may still say we love each other, but it's hard to tell if that's what the other person is feeling. With Bruce, when it had come down to the point of breaking up, he actually told me that he wasn't sure if I was still in to him so he wasn't going to break up with me even though he didn't like me any more. He was ready and willing to lie to me if it meant keeping me happy for a little while. Thanks, but no thanks. It's the worst when a guy lies. After a guy lies, and you figure it out, it seems like he's always lying even when he's not. Sometimes I wonder if Maddie is telling me the truth or not, especially when he tells me he loves me. I get so worried that one day I'm going to say "I love you" and all I'm going to hear back is "Okay, bye" or "Oh, ya... Well, I don't love you anymore, so...." or, worst of all, dead silence.
I hope that things won't turn out this way with Maddie. But how far has hope gotten me over the years? Let's see, shall we recap? I have been lied to (countless times), cheated on, taken advantage of, and I have hurt myself to feel better after being upset over another person. Did I leave anything out? Well, gee I hope not. Boy, am I glad I'm still a virgin! Somehow, being a mother doesn't exactly sound appetizing.
All in all, I really want things to be good between Maddie and me. I miss him soooo much right now. I wish he could come over today, but we have to go clean Steph's house because she's pregnant and a completely incapable slob. I can't wait to clean her house when I could be proposing to my beloved. Joyous!! Oh, so joyous!!! Anyway... I shall be going now. I have to say, doing some nude yoga really helped with the stress. Come to think of it, maybe the stress is why I'm breaking out... Hopefully not because there may be a lot more where that came from. Well, goodbye.
-end

Well, joyness!
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: The Scientist by Coldplay
I feel bad about what I do with Maddie. I like it, but then afterward I feel really weird and whorish. I don't know why it's so wrong. After last night, Maddie called me and told me that he and Sarah had talked about abortions and stuff. Now I am afraid that if I accidentally go too far then he will leave me. I cried myself to sleep last night after making a bracelet around my wrist with a needle and sticking 56 pins in my arm. The slight pain made it feel better, but all the crying did was make my head hurt. I talked to Jess about Maddie and she made me feel better. I'm glad that she didn't notice that I was crying or the red bumps on my arms. Now I'm really scared because I am probably going to see Maddie on Friday. I have to find some way to hide the marks so that he won't see them or feel them. It would kill me inside if he found out. I suppose I better wrap this up and smile pretty because I have to go shopping, which I guess I don't mind. I have to finish getting Maddie's Christmas present. I already gave him a crunch bar and a card. I have a ring that I want to propose with, but I am afraid that he will say no. I guess all I'm truly afraid of is that I will be left all alone and then my life will go down hill. Personally, I don't want to start doing drugs or any of that. I don't want to get to the point of where I'm so far gone that I give up and kill myself. I don't fear death, but there are much better ways to die. In my mind, suicide is not the answer. Well, I must go now.
-end

P.S. Confiding in the internet... who knew it could be so effective?

i feel sorta bad
Mood:  don't ask
i feel like i made maddie upset because i said i was gonna buy him a game and he didnt want me to and then he got all upset and apologized for what he said. i said that it was okay but i think he still feels bad. i hope i can make him feel better. i love him sooo much!!!!
i like to dance!!! lol tehehe!

sjkhfcryingkjshdhovshoiloveyouskdnflkhsosad!!!lkhaslmissyou!kjdlkjdlkjaslkjsd
Mood:  hug me
Topic: no!
maddie, i can't do this!! you are so far away! my heart is literally hurting right now. i am so lost without you. talking to you on the phone helps, but not as much as it would if i saw you. i can't sit here any longer. i love you sooo much! goodbye

cool
Mood:  hug me
its now 3:30 in the morning and i am going to bed. night! love you maddie

WWWWWOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!
Mood:  silly
Topic: holy shit!!
I haven't updated this blog in like ffffffffooooooooooorrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! lol I suppose I should keep up with it like I do my other blogs and sites. I haven't really had the chance or the attention span to want to do something with this blog. Maddie, if you ever read any of this (which you probably will...) I just want you to know that most of these times I was hyper. As if you can't tell... lol Sunkist is a good thing on rainy days, except for when one makes another mad at the sillyness and hyped up energy that one has due to the ingestion of such a richly orange liquidy acid thinger. I shoulda said liquidy acid dewhickeymafloppet!!! That is the best word ever! lol Anyway, I should get going and go to sleep. NOT!! I have wayyyyyy too much energy to sleep, but I suppose if ducky insists.... Too bad ducky is already asleep and can't tell me to go. I tucked him in a couple hours ago and he's sleeping like a baby in my bed. Awwwww!! How cute! The odd thing is he sleeps with BOTH EYES OPEN!! Scary ducky!!!!! I love that ducky too much to be afraid of him. After all, a piece of Maddie's heart is with ducky!! I love you soooo much Maddie!!!!!!!!! Remember, forever and for always I love you -end
p.s. I can't sleep!!! lol later
p.p.s. Check this out!!

LALALALA!!!
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: on the computer
Topic: squiggly spooch!
well here i sit in my english class and the hockey game just got over. i hate hockey. we won though, woo hoo! not. now were sitting here quietly, joy. well i think i'd better go now. -end

lalala
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: music- old man's child... black seed on virgin soil


i like that its fun and very true...no of course im not an anarchist why would you think that! *innocently evil smile* -end

hi jess!
Jessica, by the time you read this your computer will have begun self destruction! :) hahahahahahaha! no i swear it's true! don't laugh at me! it's true i tell you, true! ok maybe it's not but i can say it is!!!!!!!!!!!! -end