Jokes!

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her tits went!

A Man Walks In To A Bar And Asks For 6 Martinies,The Bartender Asks What Hes Selebrating!The Man Says"First BlowJob"...So The Bartender Says"Oh Well Then Ill Give You The 7th One On The House!"...The Man Says"No Its OK,If This Wont Get The Taste Out Of My Mouth Then Nothing Will."

it's thanksgiving, and a four year old girl is walking around the house. she walks into her brother's room to find him watching porn "Whoa! look at those tits! look at those balls!" he says. his sister asks him "what are balls and tits?" and he replies, "er... scarves and mittens!" and goes back to watching his porn the little girl goes into her kitchen where her mom is stuffing the turkey. her mom shouts, "aw fuck!" as stuffing falls everywhere. the little girl asks, "momma, what does fuck mean?" and her mom says, "stuffing something..." and goes back to work. the little girl goes to the bathroom where her dad is shaving at the last minute. her dad cuts himself and says, "aw, shit!" and the little girl asks him, "daddy, what is shit?" and he says, "this stuff all over my face." she goes to her big sister's room where her sister is talking on the phone. the sister says, "oh those bitches!" and the little sister asks, "sister, what are bitches?" and her sister says, "oh, it's just another name for people." so when the guests arrive, everyone's busy, so the little girl answers the door. she says with a big cheery smile, "hello bitches! just hang your tits and balls up on that rack, my mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey and my dad's in the bathroom wiping the shit off his face!"

ok once there was a man, he was kinda short and had short brown hair... oh and he had no hands... one day he was standing outside a liquer store and he had to pee.. so first a black man walked out and the handless man said "it;s my birthday and i have to pee will you please hold my penis for me"? thinkin the man was being stupid said "hell no white boy... u wanna get shot??? so the black man walked away... next a short buisness man walked out and the man said the same to him.. so the small buisness man was feeling really sorry for him so he said ok ill do it.. so him and the armless man walked into the allyway where the man grabbed the guys penis and (keeping his head turned) waited until the man was finished.. almost, half way through the man turneed and took a glance and saw that his penis had green pusy worts all over it. the mans eyes widened and he let out a gasp when the armless man pulled his arms out of his shirt and said "thanks buddy, i would have done it myself but i was too afraid to touch it".

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time, " said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Buckwheat and Darla were in school one day and Mrs. Crabtree asked the kids how to spell some words. She said the word "stupid" and Darla raised her hand. Mrs. Crabtree calls on her, she stands up and says S-t-u-p-i-d. Mrs Crabtree say thats right now use that word in a sentence. So, she says "Buckeheat is Stupid." "Very good" replies Mrs. Crabtree. Now I want someone to spell Dumb. Once again Darla Raises her hand. Mrs Crabtree calls her up. Darla says "D-u-m-b." "Thats really good Darla replies Mrs. Crabtree now, use it in a sentence. Darla says "Buckwheat is Dumb." "Thats good" replies Mrs. Crabtree. "Now who canspell Dictate" she says. Buckwheat raises his hand and Mrs. Crabtree calls him up. Buckwheat says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e." Mrs Crabtree is really impressed and asks him to use the word in a sentence. Buckweat then says " I might be stupid and I might be dumb but, Darla says my Dictate good."

*There was this fly and he was flying above a river and a fish saw it and the fish thought if that fly drops six inches then im gonna get that fly. *Well there was this bear and he saw the fly and thought, if that fly drops six inches then the fish will get the fly and i will get the fish. *Well there is this hunter, and he sees the fly, and he thinks if that fly drops six inches then the fish will get the fly and the bear will get the fish and i will get the bear. *Well there is this mouse and he sees the fly and thinks that if the fly drops six inches then the fish will get the fly and the bear will get the fish and the hunter will get the bear and the cheese will fall out of the hunter's pocket and i will get the cheese. *Well there is this cat, and he sees the fly and thinks that if that fly drops six inches then the fish will get the fly and the bear will get the fish and the hunter will get the bear and the mouse will get the cheese and i will get the mouse. *it all happens an the cat misses the mouse and falls in the river *what is the moral of the story? *every time a fly drops six inches a pussy gets wet

A guy walks into a bar and finds out that it's a gay bar. He says to himself....All I want is a beer and then I'll leave. Hey bartender...I want a beer. The bartender tells him ....I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. It doe'snt have a name replies the guy. Well until you name it...I can't serve you. after some thinking...he walks up to a guy and ask him the name of his penis. FORD replies the man...FORD...why did you name it FORD...because it's built foed tough says the man. alright thinks the first guy. He goes over and ask another man...What's the name of your penis...The guy tells him...TIMEX. TIMEX??? why did you name it timex? cuz it takes a licking and keeps on ticking was the reply. He goes back to the bar and says...I'm ready for that beer. What did you name it asked the bartender.SECRET replies the man. SECRET??? Why did you name it SECRET? Because replies the man.....IT"S STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN>>>>BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says, "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms, and asks how he knew. "Easy, he said, you're always washing your hands." "That's very clever!" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." "Wow, how did you guess?" he asked. "I didn't feel a thing!" she replied.

there are two newly weds and they go to thier hotel, to you know what.. but the thing is they are both virgins and know nothing about the oppisite sex, to there they are sitting on the bed still in their wedding clothes, the girl gets up and calls her mom "mom, we're just sitting here on the bed, what are we supposed to do next?" "well honey, take of your dress..." so the girl goes back in with out her dress on....and so the guy goes in the other room and calls his dad " dad she took off her dress what do i do now??" "well son, take off you tux!" so the guy and the girl go back and forth calling their parents until they are both completely naked sitting on the bed, when the guy gets up one more time to call his dad... "dad we are both naked what do i do now?" "son stick the hatrdest part of your body up where she goes bathroom..." "ok" so the girl rushes to the phone and calls her mom and says "mom he stuck his head in the toilet what do i do now?"

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.

Q: How do you know if your a red neck?
A: You go to the family reunon to find a date.

Q: How many voters does it take to change a lightblub?
A: None, voting can't change a thing

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A: Shine a torch into her ear...

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Q: How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
A: None, it should be open when she brings it to him.

Q: If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

Q: Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

Q: What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
A: Is it mine?

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A: You can park in the handicapped spots.

Q: What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde? A: There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about an inch behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it... third gay rooster I bought this month."

A man walks into a bar, and orders seven shots of straight vodka. One after the other, he shoots them back. "Why the rush?" asks the bar tender. " You would be rushing too if you had what I have" replies the man. "and what do you have?" asks the bartender... when the man finishes the last shot he replies: "seven cents."

a guy walks into a bar and the bartender says "see that horse over there if u can make it laugh i will give u free drinks all night". the guy agrees and whispers something in the horses ear. the horse starts to laugh so hard he falls over. the bartender gives the guy his drinks. the guy gets smashed and leaves. the guy comes back to the bar and the bartender says "ill give u free drinks all night but this time u have to make the horse cry" the guy agrees goes over to the horse and shows him something and the horse starts to cry. the bartender says "ill give u ur drinks but first tell me how u made the horse laugh last time" the guy agrees and says "i told him my penis was bigger then his". the bartenders then says "how did u make him cry" the guy says "i proved it"

This guy was having a drink in a bar. It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady. She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar. She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john. "Very funny," she said when he returned. He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one." Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my own ear." She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false teeth and clamps them down on his ear. He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing." Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. They went to town. A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you." He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"

Q: what do dishwashers and house wives have in common?
A: you'll never have to do it by hand again!

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. "What's that gong for?" the friend asks him. "It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock." "How does it work?" The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"