I am an emo kid


I'm going to keep this blog around for a little while, but here's the new one:
no one's world

PAIN
I know what ramon's been going through. I know what brendan must have felt at some point. I know what I feel like right now. I know that it has to end, and end it shall. The illusion is over, and I've opened my eyes.

Identity Crisis
Yeah, whatever. I know who I am. I'm Adam Davis. I have a girlfriend named Carrie Nash, and Ilove to sing, play my guitar, play field hockey, throw the discus, hang out with ramon, robby, jacob, jeff, thomas, todd, colin, carrie, and my mom. I know I love playing halo with ramon and everyone else, and talking with him and everyone else too. I know that I love my dog Kandinsky, and I know that no matter what I do, I do it with a passion that is unmatched. I know that I am going to go onto college, I know that I'm not going to let what anyone says change who I am, I know that I code switch (if you don't know, don't ask), I know that I sometimes emulate people I see and hear, I know that that is part of who I am. I know that I am a romantic, and I know that I make a big deal about kissing someone because it is special. I know that I also love to dance and show off sometimes. I know that I'm a student in many aspects of the word, but I also know where I've been and what I'm thinking, which no one can see but me. I know that I am the person that my mother wants me to be, and I know I've had to fight to get there. I know that if you think I'm having an identity crisis, I don't care. I know that Brendan is an #ss sometimes and I know that he has to take care of his sh*t too, and not worry about what everyone else is doing. I know that I can deal with it, but only after I actually think about what reasons brendan had. I didn't until now, and it's taken me quite a while to realize that I'm one of the most self-centered persons ever. This, however, does change, and it changes very slowly, but through a lot of experiences, especially today talking with my girlfreind, it has started.


My girlfriend got "evicted" from her room this morning for coming home late and a combination of other things. I comforted her, and I gave her some advice. She's done the same thing for me in the past, and I'm glad that I was there for her. I can't help but think back to Susannah saying "don't date people who need you because that's the kind of relationship that will only get you into more trouble. You've been needed all of your life by your mom, but you don't need to get that again in you love life" or something like that. The fact is, though, Carrie does an doesn't need me. She's a tough chick, she's been through a lot, and I mean a lot, but she also needs a shoulder to cry on, and so do I, but her now more than ever. I gave her some advice, probably the only good advice I've given in a long time: She said her mom said that Carrie could move back into her room only when her grades come up. She has one B and the rest D's. I said first, to set aside 2 hours a day, turn off her phone, and do work, schoolwork, no matter if it's homework or anything else, but she has to do that. The next thing I told her to do was to look on the bright side, now she has a place to do homework and such, and although she called her old room her sanctuary, this new one, though darker and colder and without windows, is also a sanctuary, though in a different sense. There she can escape the real world and focus simply on the world of school, which fits the room, because sometimes it is quite depressing. Finally, she said that she's been afraid of that room for quite a while, so it's a way to face her fears, which she has to do at some point. I also told her not to get depressed, and that also everything was bound to work out in the end. As a side note, I told her that I was always there for her, and I'd call her tonight to see how she is. That's all I could say, and it was what I truly believed. I guess that's the best advice you can give.


The entire experience made me think about how minimal my problems were compared to everyone elses. It made me, just for that instant, stop thinking about myself and become more extroverted. Maybe I am over-everything, but that may be changing little by little. Even if it doesn't, I aware of what's going on, or at least I can look about a centimeter below the surface of things, which though very small, is still a huge step.


(no quote after this post)

I wish I'd gotten more sleep than I did last night. I also wish that brendan would realize that minimalism has its limits, and right now, he's moved from minimalism to rambling.


I'm sitting in the library, with people around me talking and everyone is awake, whereas I am drifting into a land of sleep and unknowing.


I really don't feel like doing anything, even though my term paper is due and I have to figure out a good conclusion.


AP exams are happening, g2g.

I'm in the middle of editing and Invisible Man paper, but I can't help but write this down.
Brendan said that I need to deal with my own problems and that he doesn't see the point in talking to me. I see the point, but it's kind of a harsh thing to say when all I was trying to do was say hello. Whatever, he has some basis behind the comment. He's dealt with my sh*t for long enough, but I can't understand the point of the comment. I'm not his best friend, but we're on speaking terms enough. Brendan, don't try to explain yourself, because right now I have neither the desire or the patience to hear your explanation.


Carrie is good, we're going carolling tomorrow night, and we'll see what that leads to. I think that we're going to have a good time.


In a lot of ways, I want to be out of this stinking hell hole, get rid of all the feelings that I've had and just be in college, but at the same time, I don't want to lose all that I have. Carrie, Robby, Ramon, Peter, Sky, Jacob, and all of my friends and family. I don't want to leave them behind, but I also want to blow this place. Get the hell out and don't look back.


I'm angry for the first time in months. I suppose that brendan was the root of the unleashing, but I think it's been built up in there for a while.


I want to be my own person, but how do you do that without something to compare it to?


I've been my own person for a long time, I just never recognized it.


I want to kiss my girlfriend and look at the moon and see all the sh*t I missed before. I want to be able to talk to people about her without thinking I'll hurt their feelings.


I want everything to be fine between my friends and I.


I want to write the best paper I've ever done, but I bet I'll get a B on it anyway.


Let's blow this Ice Cream Stand

I guess that I can say that I've been a partial observer to the entire situation that's been going on with Ramon. It seems almost sad to witness both of them go through so much pain because of the other. It's really a tragic story, but there's nothing I can do about it.


I read brendan's latest post. It's really good, but I still don't believe that he's said everything he's going to about his situation. I think minimalists are tru geniuses, though.


I guess I've figured out why I give such horrible advice: Because 1)I don't usually give advice, and 2)I usually need it more than I give it. I just wish that I would be able to give at least some advice that's truly worth while when I'm asked.


Brendan's challenged me to be able to tell him who I am, what I can become, what kind of girls I like, and to be my own person by graduation. I don't think that that's entirely possible, but I suppose I can give it a try.


Rob Wilder just walked into the computer lab and is fiddling with something in the corner. I'm pretty sure it's a scanner, but I really don't care that much.


Carrie and I are doing really well, at least from my observations. Yesterday was one of her "friend's" birthday. She said that she sent her a "Happy Birthday" message, then called her an ungrateful b*tch for not replying. I think it was just her going through her "time of the month" though. She said it herself, in fact


Finals are approaching, and the only thing that I can bring myself to do is very little physics homework. I really want to do the rest, but I just can't bring myself to do it.


Tomorrow's my voice lesson, and I haven't practiced yet. I have an excuse, though, because I'm still recovering from a sickness that Carrie gave me. I'm gonna sing tonight for sure, not just for the practice, but because I feel like I need it more than anything else. Singing has really become somewhat of a release for me. I'm able to lose the situation that I'm in and I can become a part of the song, that character. I especially like singing pieces from "Elijah" by Felix Mendelssohn because the feelings are so real, and plus I love the music. True it is classical, but I like it anyway.


thinking about losing myself in the music, I read ramon's posts for quite a while now, and I've even glanced at his former girlfriend's every now and then, and I can't say that I understand anything that the two of them did, are doing, have done, whatever. There is one similarity, however. Both are musicians, and both can hear the "anger" (as both of them put it) in ramon's guitar. ramon, I know that you read this sometime, but that's all I see.


For the first time, however, I don't feel like I'm in the position to console anyone over their problems with relationships, because this is my first relationship and also because I'm happy in mine and I don't want to start thining about why things don't work out and what causes break ups because I'm not going through that now.


Remember this name: Douglas Niedt


Sleeping is good, remember that too.


Time to go to break. I'm out.

I don't want to leave you. Not now, not ever.

Out of the Tunnel
Last night, carrie and I had a huge talk. We started with politics which lasted about 5 minutes, then moved on. I said that I should probably start a conversation, and she said to say something deep and meaningful about myself. I said that I liked cheese, then, after a good laugh, I told her I've been a poser for most of my life. It was a hard thing to come to grips with, but I'd done it on this blog, and I had to do it with her. We got into a long conversation, it must have lasted about an hour and a half, but in it we talked alot about jealousy, identity, all sorts of sh*t, but we were doing it together. We both needed to do it, and we did it. I guess you could say it was one way to test the relationship, but I don't know. We also talked alot about apologizing. I tend to apologize for anything and everything, and it's really been something that I've grown up with. All last year, my entire field hockey team was yelling at me saying "DON'T SAY SORRY!" for everything, and I guess that I never took their advice. I suppose it's because I've never been the "popular kid", or anything like that. I've been saying that for a while, and not being myself, and everything like that. That conversation helped me so much because I knew she cared enough to listen. She does, however, do that with lots of other people, which either makes her practiced or not really caring about it. I think it's the former.


Well, she might call me soon, so I think I should go.


brendan


I'm still looking for pictures from the hockey trips becaue mine disappeared. I'll find them at some point.
I'm gonna go. Catch you all on the flip side

Weak
First time I've been called that. Called that by a "friend". I don't know what to think anymore. I went through his blog, read, and I guess he's right. I shouldn't be telling him all my problems all the time. I need to start dealing with sh*t myself and not trying to get everyone else to solve my problems.


Caroline wrote my friend. She said that I was "Sappy, Jealous, and Over-Everything" I guess I'll take that as a compliment.


Caroline and I were supposed to go to a move. I called her 3 times, once she said that she didn't know what time it started, once I didn't bring it up, and the third time, she said she wasn't going. I guess it's not that big of a deal, as brendan says. I don't know. We'll see what she says to me tonight.


I hung out with one of my best friends today for a while, and he convinced me to go to Goodwill. I ended up buying a Fedora for 2 dollars, and he says it looks pretty good. I was going to show it to caroline, but I guess I can't do that anymore, now can I.


My friend and I jammed in a random park for about an hour in the cold. That was the most fun I've had in a while. Caroline was text messaging him during that time, though, so it kind of took away from the music. We got some interesting looks from people walking by, but I know they enjoyed it.


I'm not sick anymore.


I can't wait for school. That's the first I've said that in about 5 years.


I want to be a good boyfriend and stop being so jealous. I think I have the right to be, though, because she gets the same way.


I want to go and sing to myself and to the rest of the world someday...


I want to sing only for myself


I'm going to go get my mom, well drop her off some food, etc.

Maybe I need to be a million miles away...

Well, I suppose I'm doing ok as a boyfriend. I hung out with carrie for a while today, and we're doing ok. She got me sick, but I'm basically over it, and she's doing pretty good. I'd have to say, though, that we're doing pretty well as a couple. We're quite honest with each other, and thanks to a lot of talking with her, brendan, alex, and myself, I've realized that I don't always have to try to impress her.


I've been thinking alot, in fact, maybe too much, but tonight, when I talked to carrie, I didn't think, I just played my guitar. I told her that I shouldn't do it, but she wanted to hear it, so I played. She thought some was good, some was bad, and whatever, but we didn't really care what was going on. She listened and I played. I guess that's the way that a relationship is supposed to go, you don't care about impressing the other person all the time, you just are comforatible with each other and you enjoy each other's company, and that's it. There's no struggle for constant impression. (That makes no sense at all grammatically, but oh well).


I think. That's a phrase I use entirely too much. I feel, that's a phrase I should believe more often. What do I feel? What do I care about and what shouldn't I care about? Questions, that's the only thing I seem to be using lately. I don't really know why, but oh well.


Rambling, I suppose, is the best way to get stuff off of your chest. I need to ramble on paper some more, sometime, probably tonight. I think that I should also write a song. I don't know what about. I feel like it should be original, more original than anything that I've done before, and I feel like it needs to mean something to me. Maybe I'll play it for carrie, probably not, though.


College apps suck


I guess I'm going to leave it at that. I can't help but wonder what's going on with Ramon right now, I know how he must feel, but how he's dealing with it is a different question.


I think it's time to leave the conversation alone. I'll leave my mental dialogues to that, tonight. (ignore spelling mistakes, I know I am).

"I can't think, I think I'm a moron"-(I'm sure I said this at some point today)

Poser
Poser, whatever. I've f*cked around with my personality for years, and I can't believe that I'm good enough on my own. F*ck, I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore.
Maybe it's just the sickness talking (I have the flu), but I don't know anymore. I think that I'm not good enough for anything all the time, and I don't know why. Maybe it's just me trying to sabotage myself, but I don't know. I don't feel like I'm good enough for my girlfriend either. Whatever, My logic tells me I am, but the gnome says no.
I saw carrie today. I went to her church and met her, and probably alex and brendan are going to call me a wuss, but i didn't kiss her. We're both sick, and I can't help but feel like I'm letting her down, like i'm not worth her adoration. I suppose it's also because I'm jealous of all the other guys she hangs around with. I don't know, but I do know that I like her so much, and I don't want to lose this. Play it cool, brendan said it, "Invisible Man" said it, and I do it, but I can't bring myself to believe that I'm doing anything, especially that, right. F*ck, this is my first relationship, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't want to rush things, but I also feel like I'm holding her down, like I'm a weight on her back that won't let her be. I know that's just the gnome talking, because he can't say anything about me being a horrible singer anymore. If you don't know what the gnome is, it's the part of myself that tells me I can't do it, I'm not worth it, I'm not good enough. I know it's wrong, and I know that I'm able to overcome it, but I also think there's a part of me that doesn't want to overcome it. I don't know why I feel that way, but I do. All I want to do is be with carrie and let her know. I do know, for once, that I can tell her this, and know that she won't dump me for it. I know that I'm correct, and what I must do.


Last night, I had a real, real talk with brendan, and I'd have to say that he gave me some of the best advice that I've ever been given. I wrote 3 pages, top to bottom, when I was done talking with him, and I didn't want to stop, but I did. I got all the sh*t that's been bugging me off of my chest, and I felt good about myself this morning. I did, and I guess I'm just trying to say thanks. I guess good cop bad cop worked.


I'm thinking about my senior page, and what I want to do. When I get together the second part of my page, I'll put a link to it here, assuming my links ever work. I may simply have to remake my entire blog, if need be, but I've learned that this is the one way that I can get what I feel out into the open without feeling like I'm being judged. Even if it's emo, brendan, I want to do this, and that's all I can say.
To all of my friends, I thank you for everything that you've done for me. I know that you've always looked out for me no matter what was going on in your own life. I love you all, and nothing can take that away.


If you think this is a cry for help from a depressed boy, you're wrong, because right now, I've never been happier. I'll write tomorrow.