When I seek out the one thing that I want, I can’t find it. Everything whirls around me like snow in a globe, and nothing seems to be the same where ever I go. I see people walking around like they know what is going on in their world, but they don’t have any idea. They are just as lost as I am. I walk around in a daze and I see everything in a blur. I see nothing like I used to. I used to be aware of everything, but that was when I was just a child.
I didn’t think about things the same, and I didn’t try to perfect everything I did. I remember when I was young I didn’t care about much, and I just wanted to have fun. Now life is the opposite, I cannot have fun no matter how hard I try. I try to let loose, but then I just snap back like a rubber band.
I have tried to be involved with people but it just seems that I am too uptight. I remember falling in love one time, but after a while we drifted away, and my heart broke like a coffee cup on a tile floor.
When I try to be nice, people just take advantage of me. They take all that I have, and then they leave me there, like a puppy lost with no hope of return, and I sit and whither away like a week old rose.
I see through the eyes of an old woman. I have seen more than most see in a lifetime, and I am still of a fair young age. I see what they want you to see, and I imagine what they wish to hide. People confide in me, and sometimes it’s just too much for me to handle.
I see these people, and they seem so happy, but I don’t know how they can be when they are in a world full of violence, and hating. All I see in my world is pain. Sometimes I wish that it would all end, but sometimes, I think, there just has to be a meaning for it all. I tried to think up reasons, but none would come to me.
I saw how so many people were being racist. I saw how so many people were being sexist. I saw how so many people raped and molested. I saw how many stole. I saw how many killed. And I saw so little who actually cared. I saw how society was being affected by this, and nothing seemed to be looking up.
I stayed in my house, and worked jobs where I didn’t have to be seen that much. And then I would go home. And I would pray for things to stop being like this, but I knew that there was not much I could do. I tried to think of ways to get out of all this turmoil. I thought of moving to a different country, but then I thought of how things are so much worse in different places.
One thing came to mind, that I didn’t want to resort to. I didn’t want to be that loser that had given up, but it didn’t look as though there was any way out or any escape route.
I died on a cold night… I was finally tired of all this, so I took a knife and slit my throat. I later realized that what I had done, was what I had been against, the violence in life. Only, I had caused it, and used it on myself. I wish I could take this back, and have my life back, and try to make an actual difference in the world. Because now that I think of it, I never really tried, praying was all I did, and I relied on God to do the whole thing, but I could have done something to help. But no, I had to go and take my life and now so many people are dead because of my mistake of not trying harder.
The moral of my story is don’t try and kill yourself, because it is possible that you can make a difference. Whether it just be in one person’s life, or a whole world of people. It all starts one brick at a time. I used to cut myself, and I guess I still do when I get depressed, but I learned not to do try and kill myself from my friends. When I was quite a young one I took an overdose, trying to kill myself. My friend immediately took me to the hospital and attacked me with questions and then machines and little surgical utensils. I didn’t know how to explain to them what happened, I couldn’t tell them my real reason for doing this, so I made up an excuse. The excuse was dumb, I said that I thought the bottle said 22 every hour instead of two every hour. My mom never found out and I am glad because that was a really dumb thing for me to do. My friend helped me through that. She was the one who took me to the hospital just in time. She was the one who told me all my friends and family need me.
Unfortunately I was not there for her when she needed me in that kind of situation. Her parents got into a fight, and blamed it on her, so she cut her throat *like up above* and she bled to death. She was only 16, she was young. I was about 9, so I was even younger. I wish I had been there for her like she had been there for me, but I wanted to make up a story to relate that to her. You know who you are *even though no one else does, and they should because you saved my life* and I wish that I could have been there for you when you needed me. I wish I could express to you how bad I wish you were here, but you aren’t so really all I can do is dedicate this story that I wrote to you. I love you.
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