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28 March 2004
I'm .. Feeling okay today. I'm hurtin' still ... same pain, different day .. different color. I guess it'll never go away completely. I guess I'm stuck with it. I looked into more colleges ... found one in CT, and Emailed the General in charge of the CT National Guard .. Didn't get a response. I asked about a transfer of units. Next, I found some Web Design majors, offering an associates degree if I join. Figured I'd get 2 certificates in graphic design & e-publishing respectively, and with some luck I'd eventually get my Masters if I worked hard enough.
I'm feeling really ... Sad.. today. I've got no real means to reach my goals. Just a sketchy line. They're so far away right now ... I wonder if I can do it.
I was reading letters I saved from Lyz ... way back when things were different .. so... different... ugh.. It's like pain comes .. then leaves .. then I make more just for fun .. I manage to recover from it, then I dig deep into something that would hurt me and feel the pain again. Maybe I deserve it ... no.. I definately deserve it.
I guess that's it... Night.
16 March 2004 - The Day Everything Fell Apart..

I tell myself it will be okay.. that eventually I'll stop hurting .. and yet I still hurt. Did I ever expect this ... ?
No..
Did I contemplate losing her..?  
Yes..
And it was torture I begged silently to the gods that it would never happen.. but it happened anyway.
Now what?
Some told me to mourne .. hurt to my fullest then heal ... Others said not to sweat it. "She'll be back.." they'd say... and personally I don't believe any of it. But if she asked .. all she'd have to do is say the word... she could crush my heart into a thousand times and I would take her back in a heartbeat ... How pathetic is that.......
But I realize she doesn't love me anymore ... she won't ever love me again. I won't be able to hold her .. kiss her ... to talk to or see her.. I won't be able to be with her at all....
And I can't handle this .. why is she doing this!? Did she forget what we had?? Can't she remember the sonnets and the song and the memories and every single thing we had.. The times talking on the benches by the river, all those days at the mall.. th talks and the "I love you's" .. that we shared...
Can't she remember the |ENTIRE WORLD|
We had
Damn it...
I guess...
None of it matters...
Everything I ever said to her I meant... The most Ironic part of this entire situation... the single most hilarious fact abuot this whole thing.. is that she's the F I R S T I didn't try to play a game with.. AND managed to stay loyal to entirely. ... And this just so happens to be the FIRST time that I felt the sting of a knife, digging into my heart.. .... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! ...
I guess It all comes down to the fact that I love pain. I'm sure of it. Somewhere .. deep down.. I wanted this..
I wanted the pain
So I got it.
The kind, forgiving person that I was died with Lyz's love...
A new creature is born....
I should claim vengence...
Some how...
No!! No no no no!!!
Now
you are losing sight..
look at what you wrote before!!
Perhaps she forgot your love,
but YOU DIDN'T!.. And you will not slay love
no matter what she does.
Just because she doesn't love you...
You can't destroy everything.
That's wrong.
Maybe..
MAYBE!?!
Yea.
You stupid shit.
She's still Lyz..
She's still the same person you
fell in love with.
Everything has changed...
Her love for you..
not your love for her!!
Maybe you're right..

DUH

Pull yourself together, and DRIVE ON..
She'll be happier that way..
and so will you!
I miss her though..
And that's okay! ..
You'll heal..
you'll be okay..
I just need to breath...

B r e a t h

02 March 2004

Think ... The world as I know it is dying... All I've got is Lyz, thankfully..

The whole world is DYING!! ... And the Sadistic Glee, clad in malice, seeking hellish sanctuary in you.. and you.. and you.

And I look within for answers.. and all I see are demons of my own, constructed for a purpose ... purpose... because I have no purpose and I know that.. I'm good at nothing except hurting myself and others. I live for the pain .. it's my only medium.. and I ...

I don't want it anymore.

All I ever see is Darkness..... An evil that clings to rightousnss, chaotic order enforced by my own brain...

The whole world could die ..

AND I WOULDN'T CARE!!

and I want to...








Bother

by StoneSour

Wish I was.. too dead to cry.

My self-affliction fades..

Stones to throw at my creator

massochists to which I cater..

You don't need to bother...

I don't need to be..

I'll keep slipping farther

But once I hold on;

I won't let go 'til it bleeds.

Wish I was too dead to care..

If, indeed, I cared at all...

Never had.. a voice to protest...

So you fed me S*!T to digest

I wish I had a reason

My flaws are open season

For this I gave up trying

one good turn deserves my dying.

Wish I'd died

Instead of lived

A zombie hides my face...

Shell forgotton with its memories..

Diaries left...

With cryptic entries...

And you don't need to bother...

I don't need to be..

I'll keep slipping farther...

..

But once I hold on...

I'll never live down my deceit.







Inhale

by Stonesour

Coem one and all and see the broken man..

Talking to himself..

He sits and waits for someting better...

Never find it here..

The people touch his hair & touch his cheek..

He can't even feel it..

There it goes again.. he's listening to someone...

He hear's the bitter laughter..

And all he wants to know is...

WWhhhhyyyyy????!!

Does any of it matter?

I can't take it anymore..!

You've gotta..

Trryyyyyyyyy!!!

The inhale that makes...

The exhale...

So much better...

He wipes his hands on anything in reach..

He never feels clean..

He shakes at night because his nerve is gone..

Every muscle hurts..

There it goes again.. I can hear it louder..

It doesn't feel good anymore..

All I want to know is ..

WWhhhyyyyyy?????!!

Does any of it matter?

You've gotta ..

Trryyyyyyyy!!!!!

The inhale that makes...

The exhale..

So much better..

Now I know I disappear!!

I can't find my way from out of here!!

Everything is fading on me!!

Someone Tell me

Someone tell me

Someone tell me...

WWhhhyyyyyyyy?????!!

Does any of it matter?

I can't take it anymore!

You've gotta..

Trryyyyyyyyyyyy!!

The inhale that makes..

The exhale..

So much better..

28 February 2004

I'm hopeless ...
I've effectively been declared...
Stupid.
There's this girl. She's very pretty, to say the least.
She's funny, smart... and she's got this big crush on me ..
Here's the story:
I'm sitting in the dayroom (at the barracks) .. She comes in .. see's me.. and comes to sit. Right away I get the impression she's polite, she's just got that feel to her, y'know? She asked if she could sit .. I nodded and said "Yep.."
So we start talking - a few hours go by... we were telling stories an joking and stuff like that.. and she kept moving closer to me.. *shrug* ...
Finally she says in a nutshell through a slightly long explaination that she likes me. ..  blah.. o_o .. I'm thinking please don't say that... ... I didn't say anything.
So next she says .. "Please tell me your single.."
It was right there where I had an option..
I actually considered saying "Yep, I sure am.." ... But I'm not... I shook my head, though, and looked away.. she noticed... and said "You do, huh?"
So I nodded, "Yep.."
"Is she pretty?"
"Very."
So .. I feel like crap..
Why?
Because this girl wanted something I couldn't give?  Or that I wouldn't give it?
Why did I even consider it..?  Ugh.. I wish I was stronger..
But I'm weak.
I hope to god I never betray her..
Damn it.. if I do though, I'll freakin' tell her.. I'd owe her that much.. And I'd just take the pain it would cause.. no matter how much it hurt.
And it'd be back to the world of dark..
Hasn't happened yet..
I'm almost home..
Then it'll be okay...
<Free Space Filled>

16 March 2003

What a skeletal wreck of man this is ...

Translucent flesh and feeble bones is the kinda temple where the hords and villians try to tempts the haulistic tones.

Running rampant with free thought to free form in the free and clear. When the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundry mat to focus on the

Bigger..

Better..

Now...

We all have a little sin that needs venting, virtues for the rending and the laws and systems and stems ripped from the braches of offices; Do you know what your post entails?

Do you serve a purpose...

Or purposely serve?

Wind down your adivistic galor, of the value of a summer spent and a winter earned.. For the rest of us there's always sunday.

The day of the week that wreaks of rest, but all we do is catch our breath so we can wad naked into the bloody pool and place our hand on the big black book.

To watch the knives zig-zag between our aching fingers..

A vacation is a countdown

T-minus your life and counting..

Time to drag your tongue accross the sugar cube and hope you get a taste..

WHAT THE FUCK

 IS THIS ALL FOR??!

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON!?

SHUT UP!!

Say..

You're me and I'm you, and they all watch the things we do and like a smack of spite they throw me down the stairs; "Have felt like this in years," the great magnet of magninimous refuse.

Let me go.. And
Punch me into the
DeadSpot again.

That's where you go when there's no one else around, just you .. and there was never anyone there to begin with now was there?

Sanctimoney is pretenious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse and their finger on the trigger..

CLASSIFY MY ASS!

THAT'S A FUCKING SECRET

AND YOU KNOW IT!!!

Government is another way to say

Better.......

Than.....

You..

It's like an ice with no pick, a murder charge that won't stick ... like a whole other world where you can smell the food...

But you can't touch the silverware...

Hah.. What luck.. Facisim you can vote for...

Isn't that sweet....

And we're all gonna die someday, because that's the american way and I've drunk too much and said to little when yuo're electrical taped in the middle. Say a prayer, save face, get yourself together and

See what's happening...!

SHUT UP!!!

NO!

FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU!

Remember...

You're a wreck..

An accident...

Forget the freak, you're just nature.

Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean.

Let the heads cool

And let the engines run.

Because everything we do... is just everything we've done.