Cerebrate, Mind of Mine, for I Dream of Waking
We are such stuff that dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep. ~ Shakespeare, The Tempest, Act IV.
June 30, 2005
22:00 EST
Music: none
Mood: Ta ta
I am going on diary-hibernation and I don't know when I will, if ever, post again. There's tons of stuff going on, but I'm at a point where I no longer need to write them down anymore. So until whenever :-) Life will run its due course.
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June 5, 2005
01:40 EST
Music: "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe
Mood: Watershed
The bad news keep rolling in.
Alright, here's what's going on right now: Armstrong fucked my grades up. There's a "C" that should really be a "B", and it caused all kinds of ripples: lower GPA (2.89), loss of HOPE scholarship (shoot me). The creme de la creme: I can't go to UGA this Fall. Problem 1: low grade, and the grade-change process takes a few weeks. Problem 2: even if the grade gets changed on time, Athens said that if space is full, then I still can't get in.
I'm also tired of getting my feelings hurt: I told her the news at work earlier this night and she laughed. A forced, don't-know-how-to-respond-to-bad-news laugh, but nonetheless that shit hurt. Not to mention her, "I'm going and you're not" affirmation. I think I'm ready to....is "give up" the right phrase? I think so. It feels like giving up, putting the gloves down. Lord knows, I done took my share of punches and held all of mine back. She's leaving Monday, and she left tonight without saying goodbye. Just got in the car after I walked her there, closed the door in silence and drove off. I don't expect a call on Sunday. I think it's time this bullshit ends, as much as it'll break my heart.
Anyway, I want to say this: I saw "Cinderella Man" with G, Jeff, and Danielle tonight and, besides being a damn good movie, it made me think of things. I ain't gonna ruin any of the movie, but it gave me back that "things could be worse" mentality that I lost a few ago. I mean, damn, things been bad. Things been worse lately than I can remember for a long, long time but I need to get a grip. I mean, things are damn bad, but fucking shit, it can be worse too. It can be a hell lot worse so I need to just quit my bitching and fuck-tackle this low-point until it gives.
I got a lot of pain right now: grades, tiredness, and a heartbreak that I'm about to cause myself. However, I've been through worse. In "Again", Faith Evans sings, "Now I done felt a lot of pain; I done seen a lot of things" and, hell, so have I. So, let bad shit come at me; I'll knock 'em out, all out. If I gotta go to Armstrong for Fall, hell I will; I ain't gonna quit. If I gotta work my ass off to make money, I will too. Last one, by God the most painful one: if I can't win her heart, I'll live. I'll hold no grudge, I'll blame no one.
For the life of me, I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me, I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
Left hook, bitches. Cinderella Man!
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May 25, 2005
20:12 EST
Music: "How to Deal" by Frankie J
Mood: C'est la vie
My grandfather passed away Saturday.
I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it yet, but I think I'm doing alright. He was the most beloved person in the world for me after my grandma passed, and this has been a hard pill to swallow. I'm taking his death a lot better than I took hers in 1997: I haven't cried a single tear and I feel guilty of that. I feel like I should be sobbing my heart out but I'm not; I've just been finding myself remembering him and his life in mine. I get angrier and angrier the more I think of him, because I couldn't go back there to see him one last time, to bury him, or to do anything. I can't do anything. My grandfather is dead and I can't do anything! I am holding back with all my might from breaking this keyboard right now and going haywire on every thing in the house, living or not. The more I think about it, the less control I feel I have. It's surreal because since we haven't seen him in so long and since everybody is so far away, his death seems to not affect us: my family just go about our daily shit as if nothing has happened. There's nothing else we could do.
I don't even know what to do anymore. Every day is becoming a struggle in terms of figuring what I should be doing anymore. I thought at first that summer would be my season-of-less-headaches, when so far it's been the exact opposite. (By the way, sinus headaches totally blow ass). A significant individual in my life is leaving to a far-off land next week, and I finally gathered up enough courage to write my thoughts down and I'm planning to reveal them in a pretty creative way, and I'm hoping that the concerns I have had for months now can finally come into light and be dealt with. Actually, it'll be good for me and Kiet if these things are dealt with.
I hate money and I hate school. I finally see how a person can drop everything and randomly travel, or elope, or disappear. There's a lack of life involved in going to work and going to school, day after day, year after year. Not saying that I feel like just running, but the idea seems more inviting some days than others. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm living someone else's life and...well basically, it blows donkey dick.
It's been a hard week, and it probably can't get harder (I hope). A lot of changes are happening, but at the same time, too many things are staying the same. If that made sense. Is it any wonder that I feel so...discombobulated?
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May 19, 2005
21:32 EST
Music: "Blood (Empty Promises)" by Papa Roach
Mood: sleepy
Last night, we all went to see "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" and it was the shiznit. Everybody got home around 5 AM and I went to work at 9 O_O Interesting day. I've spent the whole rest of today just laying around and lounging. That was truly a movie deserving of closing the Star Wars saga; I definitely want to see it again some time soon.
I've been feeling a little shaken lately, as far as where I am as a person. I don't know, but I keep feeling like I should be somewhere or have done something more than what I am right now. I keep thinking of what I'm going to do come Fall, because I'm so damn sick of school. That's all I've been doing all my life is school: get good grades, get academic achievements, etc. Over the last few years, I've gotten around to finding out other things I'd rather be doing than getting a degree, like traveling. I really wish I could just take a year or two off but I probably won't be able to do that until after I get my Bachelor's. I also got my parents to worry about: they probably will have to retire soon, and they don't have a retirement plan or anything like that so I worry about how life is going to be once their bodies shut down from age.
I guess what I'm scared or mad at is that right now, there seems to be nothing more to life than money and degrees. I mean, there are other things, but they don't seem to matter and the chase to get those other two seems to negate any other variables in life. I don't think I can do anything to change that but I worry about living a life of nothing but school, and the nothing but work...I don't know what God has got planned for me; I trust Him but I still feel lost.
Inspired by life, or something like it:
Some times the snow comes down in June
Some times the sun goes 'round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Some times it's all a big surprise
Some times it's best to stay in the dark
Some times light emerges without a spark
To keep the silence or to say your peace
Some times a soul is just a puzzle piece
Because there was a time when all I did was wish
That I know what this was
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But it has to somehow be enough
Times when we are standing face-to-face
Times when we all fall out of grace
Moments gone and chances passed
Does life really save the best for last?
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May 6, 2005
22:12 EST
Music: "The Hand that Feeds" by Nine Inch Nails
Mood: so bored
Haven't been updating much, I know. It's odd...life's going so fast but at the same time, nothing's changing so I have nothing to say most of the time. It's like living in a hyper stand-still (oxymoron!) It's not bad though; 90% of the days are still enjoyable, and I've had more fun this semester than any other (as reflected by my slightly worse grades).
School's finally over! Summer is here for me! I'm so damn glad, I can't wait to start working-out, running, making money up the ass, boating, fishing, etc. etc.I TOTALLY failed my Statistics class but I don't care anymore; I'm still in one piece.
Josh is nowhere near as depressed as I thought he'd be. Either that, or he's learned to deal with it and reflect himself in a better way or something. Either way, it's good to have him back. Dealing with G and Mark by myself with Kiet being there only occasionally was getting very tiring, and tonight Mark is committing high treason as I type, I believe. He's seeing "Kingdom of Heaven" with Scott, one movie of "The Big 4" that we're supposed to see as a group. We were gonna go see it tonight but G's parents won't let him out and I had to work, so apparently what I heard was that Scott offered Mark a free ticket and that bitch took it. Heh...he's such a prostitute: a few months ago, he was screaming obscenities about Scott when he and that Jake dude forced Mark to go with them somewhere, but now that Scott has something for him, they're buddy-buddies. Heh.
But I digress: it's Friday night right now and I got nothing to do...I might rent "National Treasure" out of pure boredom and try not to make a big deal out of this. My body may be able to use a break night anyway because life's been a whirlwind lately. Tomorrow, who knows? :-D
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April 23, 2005
12:37 EST
Music: "Be My Escape" by Relient K
Mood: What's around the river bend??
These past few weeks have been the crunch time for me. There's only a week of school left now, and I just got done with my final big project/presentation yesterday so I'm feeling pretty good. Life all in all has been relatively normal lately, if I can use that word: "normal". Some bad things, some good things, but good balance and I can't complain. It was very odd and, for lack of a better word, convenient that Meganrose started hanging out with us right around the time Josh left for basic and she's been wonderful to chill with. :-) For those who don't know, I met Meganrose in 8th grade and she's one of the first people I've met when I moved here; we kept in touch through high school but never really hung out until this year so it's been really cool to, in a sense, rekindle with an old friend.
We've seen some glorious movies as of late: "Kung Fu Hustle" last night was too damn funny, "Guess Who" was good too, so now we're gonna wait on The Big 4. I think I'm finally getting over my financial worries so that feels good too, and with summer just a few weeks away, I'm trying to get in the mood of, "I just want to relax now".
Now...the problem is that there is one BIG ASS bad news in the midst of all these little good ones: the Army found out that Josh has bipolar and kicked him out. Matt (Josh's brother) called me last night and told him that the Army has placed him in a mental institution out there in Missouri and is sending him home in a week or two. This is bad...this is very bad: the Army was Josh's last saving grace and I know this has crushed him. He is going to be a broken, depressed man (I'm relatively sure it's going to be a Dishonorable Discharge because he hid the disorder) and it's going to be all we can do to keep him from...hurting himself. So all in all, I'm not going to ask for all those who know him to pray for him or to even talk to him about it, but just keep him in y'all's thoughts. We're gonna try to get through this and we (Jason, Mark, Kiet, Duck, and I) are gonna all cross that bridge to meet Josh in, like I said, a week or two.
What's around the corner?
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April 13, 2005
22:42 EST
Music: "Happy?" by Mudvayne
Mood: I don't know
So Josh left for basic training this morning. I don't really know when he's going to get back, but we won't see him for a ballpark-range of 3-4 months. I really don't know what to say or think or feel, but I think I've said all I can say on the last post.
So last night we all went to Josh's/Duck's to spend one last night with Josh, and it wasn't as honest as I thought it would be. I'm not very happy with how a certain individual acted last night, and that's probably why I gave his ass such a hard time all night long. A certain individual who's known Josh for more years than I have, and who's always been a better person than he was that night. G and I had to plead with him to get out of the house, and it seemed that the fact that Josh would be gone the next day for months didn't seem to faze him at all; kept saying, "Well then I'll see Josh in 4, 5, 6 months!" That's kinda low. So we watched "Ocean's Twelve", which every one loved except this individual, who thought it was boring and complained about it all night long. Maybe I'm being sanctimonious, but I thought it wasn't fair for Josh to get a "I would've been better off staying at home instead of coming here" attitude on his last night with the group for a long time.
I guess the last thing I can say, and the cherry on top, is the nice words this individual had for us on the way home. Spoke of how he didn't care about us, how he could care less if he has no friends, and stuff along that line. Tuesday night was supposed to be a night of sweet goodbyes and fond memories, but it turned into a night of...I don't know. I just know Josh deserved a better goodbye.
I'm just gonna end this with an affirmation to Josh: thanks for everything, man. You couldn't have given any more in terms of being a friend, because you gave us every thing a man could give.
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April 2, 2005
02:35 EST
Music: "Sometimes You Can't Make it on Your Own" by U2
Mood: Tears and prayers
The plans for last night were simple: Thao was going to swing by the Yummy House to take pictures with me, then they're going to go to dinner and the prom and meet up with me afterwards. Exiting the prom was scheduled at around 23:00 or 00:00, and I was going to be with Meganrose or my friends doing whatever as I wait.
Nothing went right.
It rained all night, starting at 17:30, so I called her and told her not to come because prom dresses and rain don't mix very well; she said they didn't have time anyway. Work totally sucked: I was soaked head to toe, wearing sandals, and made $55. Called G, he didn't feel like doing anything. Called Meganrose, she was too exhausted to do anything. So I said, "Well, looks like I'll just have to wait for the people to get out of prom". I went home, took a shower because I was so nasty, and went to Josh's/Duck's. Shortly after I got there, Josh left with Scott and Jake (*grumbles*) and I was left with Duck. After waiting for 3 hours, I called Thao again: she was downtown by this point, and...fuck it, long story short: they ran out of time to do anything and bye bye Jessen.
Disappointed and dejected, I drove home...straight to Mark's. I felt like I was going to explode with negativity that I can either go home and risk a tantrum or go to the one person I can always count on for a talk. I hoped that I won't hear from Thao for the rest of the night because I felt shitty, and she felt shitty on how things turned out, and there was nothing either one of us could've said that would not have made the other one feel worse. On the way, I cried the whole way between HWY 80 and Mark's; I don't know why exactly. I know I started thinking about my grandparents and was just wondering how they'd feel if they can see me then, as this crumbled-down man of broken promises. I felt so shitty because I felt like I let them down so, this boy who they always said will get all A's, will do them proud, will be the best person they've ever known, can't even get a decent social life going on a Friday night.
Got to Mark's and we took a walk around the neighborhood and talked about a bunch of things. Mostly, we talked about Josh. I haven't posted anything about this, but Josh got in the Army and is shipping off to boot camp in 2 weeks and we probably won't see him again for a long, long time since he's gonna directly serve full time right after basic training. We talked about how things would change, and how things have changed. I confessed that I feel like I've let all of my friends down: Scott, Kyle, Kiet, and Josh. I feel like I didn't try enough to keep Scott and Kyle from vanishing and degenerating, and I feel like I stomped on Kiet by getting close with his ex. Now, I feel like I haven't been a good friend for Josh because we collide all the time. He's about to leave, a brother of mine, a person that I love for everything that he is, and all I can seem to think about saying is how sorry I am that I haven't been more supportive of his dreams, more sensitive of his feelings. I'm sorry that I couldn't be more generous and I couldn't help take his pain away or make things better somehow. I'm sorry for being a judgmental, condescending asshole. I'm sorry for not being able the best friend a man can have. I thank him, however, for being in my life so far and in the future. I thank him for the late night talks and the game- and movie-fests that we've had together. I thank him for his big laugh that lights up rooms. I thank him for the Hilton Head trips, the boat beaching, the talk of girls, the Sly Cooper, the quickling rap, the huge fight we had over Matt, the booty-radar, the fucked up cookies, and the dune-buggy. I thank him for wearing his heart on his sleeves, like I do, and showing me that a "pussy" of a man can walk as tall as anyone. I thank him for the many forgiveness that he has given me, some of which I don't deserve, and just for being a damned quality human being even though most of the times, he can't see that.
While I have tears just rolling down my face as I type this, I thank God that I have the ability to write to convey my feelings, or else I'd go nuts right now. I feel like I have so much to say, yet at the same time not being able to say anything. This has been the worst of nights but this too shall pass, and tomorrow morning I'll realize once again how fucking blessed I am to be where I am and to know who I know. I'm going to go to bed now and call it a night of life-lessons, and wake up.
Tough, you think you've got the stuff
You're telling me and everyone you're hard enough
You don't have to put up a fight, you don't have to always be right
Let me take some of the punches for you tonight
Listen to me now. I need to let you know
You don't have to go it alone
And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own...
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March 28, 2005
00:24 EST
Music: "Like a Stone" by Audioslave
Mood: Anxious for something, anything
I've been a bit of a loop lately. Not sure how I'm feeling: I'm neither happy or unhappy. I feel fine, but every now and then I feel as if I could have an anxiety attack. Never had one before, doubt I ever will, but I feel strange sometimes especially when I'm anticipating something (letters from UGA, test scores, etc.) I feel like I'm moving faster than anybody else and I'm asking them to catch up, but I can't do that. These past few weeks, I find myself saying a lot of, "I wish".
Johnson's Prom is this Friday. My brother, Thao, and their friends are going in this giant group and I think only one or two people have dates. My first "I wish" was that I wish I could go as her date, but then again I have my doubts. I remember 3 years ago when she went my prom with Kiet and that boy was beaming over it for months, so even if we could go together, I feel like I'd reject the idea because...I donno, I don't feel like taking the memory away from them. All in all, I worry about her a lot. She's extremely good natured, to a fault, and I always worry that someone will eventually take advantage of that. I told her that I want to see her sometime on prom night: I said that I want to see her all dressed up and stuff, but that's not entirely true. Truth is, I just want to be a part of that night and I want to see her, make sure she's alright and then beg my brother to make sure she stays alright. If anything happens to her...I honestly don't know what I would do. I'm such a little boy, Caity said. ^_^
The schoolyear is winding down, and I'm at the same position as always: A's in some classes, B's in some, and I'm sure I got a C somewhere. My advisor, Dr. Miller, just died...Damn it to hell, she broke her leg 3 weeks ago and she was doing so good and was going to return sooner than expected. Blood clot, around the injured area; went all the way up to her lungs ultimately causing an aneurysm. She died early Monday morning. I didn't learn about it until noon, and when I got to the Honors Lounge, it was as expected. My friend Beth was hysterical and it was all I could do just to hold her, secretly cursing myself for not seeing Dr. Miller even once before she died. She helped me so much when I first got to college, and I feel like a total shithead for not even knowing she had a broken leg until a week after it happened, and then this. I feel like such a heel over this.
Josh beat his daddy's ass and is now out of the house. Oddly enough, things feel like they got better as far as hanging out is concerned. Our spring break basically sucked due to the weather but anyway, we did see "Guess Who" and "The Incredibles" and they were both good. It feels good to have fun again, and to not feel like you're tired of your friends.
Easter Sunday, our lord and savior Jesus Christ rose from the grave. This night/morning, I ask Him to continue to be with me as I try to wrap up this spring of monumental indifferences, this mad season. I ask Him to be with every one that I love and to let them be closer to His heart than I am, especially those who know not how much they are loved.
Welcome, O life! I go forth to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge, in the smithy of my soul, the uncreated conscience of my race.
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March 18, 2005
01:07 EST
Music: "Bent" by Matchbox Twenty
Mood: Ho hum
I believe I'm 100% again now. Still get an itch in the back of my throat every now and again, but otherwise fine. Anyway, it's about the end of spring break and it's been relatively sucky: the weather's been horrible all week so there has been absolutely no swimming or beach. Hell, I can barely wear shorts. So much for "spring" break. Been working more than usual lately too, so I don't really feel like being in a break. Tried to do my philosophy paper a few days ago to find out that there's a section that I don't understand what the professor wants us to do so can't do it until I can ask him.
The group's been relatively substandard lately: all we do is play Melee, which inevitably leads to me taking it too seriously. Although, it does amuse me when I end up in 4th place and nobody thinks I got screwed, because I ain't been beaten one-on-one so far. :-P Been catching a lot of flak from Josh on this subject, but I kinda brush it aside without a care because the man just got denied by the army for the third time and, well, basically: he takes every annoying thing way up into his ass whenever he's emotionally unstable. Heh, after all the shit he did and no progress, I'd be pissed off too. Mark and Jeff's been around and, my God, does that help. When it was just Josh, G, and me, it was hell because G would annoy Josh and that would annoy me, and it'll be just this cycle of tongue-clicking. On the subject though, I do let G and myself get away with a lot more shit than normally because we're both basically like, "We can do just damn near anything we want because we always drive and we pay a lot". I try as hard as I can to be sensitive to Josh and Mark and whoever but most of the time, G and I want to just be like, "Hey, maybe once one of y'all start driving and paying, then you'll know why we act the way we shouldn't sometimes". Ain't never got to that point, but damn it'd sure feel good to say out loud.
Speaking of friends, Kiet has disappeared. By that I mean that he is no longer partaking in any activity, and has not done so in ages. I swear to God I don't know what's going on with him, and by now, I don't worry. It's not that I don't care, it's just I don't think there's anything wrong. He's running with a different crew, and probably just damn bored with what we do (which I SO understand) and I'm 80% sure that he's not very happy with what Thao and I are doing. Oy vey, that's one subject I'm tired of touching and defining and defending; these days, I pull a Nike and just do it. Today, we spent 4 1/2 hours at the mall looking around for shit; Ruben and some guy from work tagged along. She didn't buy jack-squat, I walked away with a bunch of shit from GAP that she picked out. Oy...hold on. *scratches head* It was St. Patty's day and by God were we avoiding the festivities. It was cold as hell outside and I was like, "We are NOT going to no damn parade" and thankfully she agreed. ANYWAY, I'm digressing: I made it a point to not mention Kiet's name around her and vice versa. I don't know how wise this is, if it is at all, but I just don't feel like I should be playing middle man anymore. I'm not hounding her, but whatever happens, I ain't gonna lie to myself. We didn't talk on the phone the past 2 nights, so maybe things are cooling off a bit or whatever.
I'm also getting real tired of school: the classes still interest me, but the discussions are overshadowed by term papers by this time of the year. This is when I start slacking off because I'm just not motivated anymore, and it's the worst student trait I've ever had. I also haven't heard anything from UGA yet, and I'm just getting more and more anxious. I don't think I'm joining the Army anymore because they told me I probably won't be back on time for school: it's virtually impossible for me to have boot camp and then come back within school scheduling, especially if I do end up going to UGA this fall, which means I'll need the summer to look for a place to live, etc.
Ok, it's been a hell of a rant. Tomorrow, Jeff and I are gonna go to the Y; haven't been there in 3 weeks and we're gonna work out everything. Planning to stay there for 3, 4 hours because we got nothing better to do until the night time anyway. Hoorah!
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March 9, 2005
19:40 EST
Music: none (at work)
Mood: uber sick
I've been sick for about 4 days now, and Mother Nature is taking it upon herself to totally demolish my ass. :-P I feel a little better at work because I'll be moving around and not thinking about it, but at school and home, I'm pathetic. I was at Wendy's with Kiet and some other homies earlier today; I couldn't finish my medium-size combo...just the sandwhich. -_-
Anyway, the "talk" with Josh went well. He didn't disagree as much as I thought he would and I think that's pretty much all I have to say about this particular subject. Other things that are stressing me out are just normal stuff with school (it's midterm) and I'm having second thoughts about the Army because there's a good chance I might not be able to return in time for Fall semester. I'm also trying to make sure that I'm joining it because I want to and not just for money and job security. Additionally, the stories Josh has told me about how the recruiters treated him has really turned me off, because I knew they'd be full of shit to an extent in order to recruit you, but I didn't think they'd go as far as endanger you physically so you can lose 3 fucking pounds.
I'm gonna go back to work now, and see if I can get off early. I got a huge test tomorrow and I'm actually hungry so I'm gonna get some food (I'd probably eat, like, 3 scoops of rice or something sad like that). I've been clocking in at about 2-3 hours on the phone every night for the last 4 nights, so I donno if that's gonna happen again tonight or not. It sure as hell ain't helping my case, but I do it anyway because I'm a moron. :-P
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March 5, 2005
10:12 EST
Music: "Epic" by Faith No More
Mood: Reflection
Okay, this is gonna be a whoozy so read this at your own discretion :-P
Janella dumped my ass yesterday. It sucked, yeah, but not by much because it doesn't change a whole lot of things. Our schedules are polar opposites, so I wasn't seeing a lot of her anyway and I've been thinking about whether or not I should continue in this "relationship". I was just talking to Danielle and I stumbled upon a good definition of how Janella and I were: a very close friendship that got turned into a quasi-relationship that has now run its course. I think I already told my friends about her deal with GSU, so I'm sure everyone knows what I'm talking about when I say that where she's going in life and where I'm going just passed each other in opposite directions. We do say "Hi" to each other though :-P So...I guess that's that.
Furthermore, I got a few things that I need to talk about with Josh and Mark. By "need", I don't mean "tell me things to make me feel better" but I honestly "need counsel because I 100% completely donno what to do".
Alright, here goes: there's a certain ex of a certain friend. Both are very close, dear, personal friends of mine and unfortunately, the former is beginning to get mutually closer and closer. This topic is a dead horse around the 3 of us: we beat it to death last summer because that's when she dumped him over something that he did to her. Around that time, things changed between her and I and we both felt this mutual attraction but, after much talk with friends regarding both parties, we dismissed it as a stupid crush not worth pursuing because it'll destroy my friend. I also dismissed it as a stupid crush because at the time, I knew I didn't want to do that to the man and that had we started going out, all she'd hear directed toward her is "Slut!" or something along that line.
That was, what? 8 months ago? Things have been happening since then. Her and I didn't talk for months, the both of us became immersed in our own busy schedules. My friend has all but disappeared from our group activities: he's hanging out with some other people I know playing poker and other stuff I donno about. I don't think he went back to his drinking ways but I have my worries. I have been unsuccessful in trying to talk to him and see if something's wrong, and Mark put it best last night when he said that my friend has, "isolated himself in the worst way possible from the people he knows the most."
Alright, now, she called me out of the blue a few weeks ago. It was supposed to be a, "Hello, how are you doing? Good. Blah Blah Blah" type of phone call, I guess. That led to another one the next night...and another one...and more; the phone calls got longer and more frequent. Then there was a job opening at the Chinese place I work at, and I'll give y'all one guess who took the job. Yeah, pure innocence, I know. >D So now we got phone calls and seeing each other at work 3 times a week, where we spend the quiet times between rushes just talking and shit. This has so far led to unofficial dates here and there with me, her, and her friends (including a fantastic CultureFest at Johnson High a few nights ago where I went up to hug her after her act and stayed over to help clean up, then changing her friend's flat tire once every single soul had left).
Last night, Mark and I talked a whole lot about this on the way to Josh's. His views are as follows: he feels that things will run their course if it's "destined". If that be her and I, then he supports me and he doesn't see this as me stabbing my friend in the back. Long story short, Mark's got my back.
I still need to talk to Josh. I know that he disapproves, I know it. I know that whenever I try to tell him Thao's side of the story, he dismisses it as me being biased (which I'm sure I am by this point) and that the bottom line is that she was a bitch, she's still a bitch, and so forth. I know that Josh, Mark, and Scott made this pact about not letting girls get between friends and he's trying to get me to apply that to myself (whether or not he has been guilty of that himself....that's for Mark and I to know). I'm heading over there soon and I hope we can talk about this objectively.
That's about all I can say for now, I think. All you girls out there: guys are pigs/dogs, we really are. :-P. Look for men.
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March 1, 2005
14:33 EST
Music: "In the Meantime" by Spacehog
Mood: I just PWNed 2 tests!
I've seen a lot of these on Kacie's diary and I just saw one on Josh's, so I decided to do one! ;-P
SECTION 1: ABOUT YOURSELF
+ Known as: Jessen, Jason, Fez, Green Light (G.L.)
+ Lives in: Savannah
+ Birthday: 10/01/1984
+ School: Armstrong Atlantic State University (UGA in the Fall)
+ Religion: Christian (Protestant)
+ Shoe size: 9 1/2
+ Hair color: Black
+ Eye color: Black
+ Style: Casual preppy, I guess?
+ Fears: being average
SECTION 2: HAVE YOU EVER...
+ Cheated on someone? No
+ Been Cheated on? No
+ Fallen off the bed? Yes!
+ Broken someone’s heart? Don’t think so
+ Had your heart broken? Yes
+ Had a dream come true? Yeah
+ Done something you regret? Well, yeah
+ Cheated on a test? Hell yes!
SECTION 3: CURRENTLY...
+ Wearing? Jeans, black UGA tee
+ Listening to? Korn, “Y’all Want a Single”
+ Located? Home
+ Chatting with? Greta and Danielle
+ Watching? Some movie about Meg Ryan in France
+ Should REALLY be doing? Sledgehammering my PS2
SECTION 4: DO YOU...
+ Brush your teeth? Thrice a day
+ Like anybody? Yes, and it will get me in trouble
+ Have any piercing? Dear God, no
+ Drive? Yes
+ Drink? Socially
+ Smoke? See “piercing”
+ Got a pager? *laughs* Uh, no.
+ Cell phone? Yes.
SECTION 5: FRIENDS
+ Who is your best? Josh and Meganrose
+ Who is the funniest? G
+ Who is the shyest? Mark
+ Who is the most talkative? G
+ Who laughs the most? Josh
+ Who have you known the longest? Meganrose
+ Who have you known the shortest? Tina
+ Who do you miss the most? Jordan
+ Do you hang out with the opposite sex? Yes.
+ Do you trust your friends? Yes.
+ Are you a good friend? If you let me.
+ Can you keep a secret? If it’s not destructive, yes.
SECTION 6 THE LAST PERSON YOU...
+ Hugged? Thao
+ IMed? Greta
+ Talked on the phone: Janella
+ Yelled at? G and Mark
+ Fell in love with? In love in love? Jordan.
SECTION 7 PERSONAL...
+ What do you want to be when you grow up? Psychologist (developmental or criminal)
+ What has been the best day of your life? December 31, 2003.
+ What comes first in your life? Living (no, really)
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? No/Yes/Yes
+ What do you usually think about before you go to bed? “Bedtime, nigga!”
+ Did you lose someone you really loved? Yes. *holds necklace*
+ How many times have you fallen deeply in love? Twice
+ Love your family? To an extent.
+ Love your friends? To an extent.
SECTION 8 FAVORITE...
+ Movie: “Armageddon”
+ Song: “Always“ by Bon Jovi
+ Group: Linkin Park
+ Store: GAP and Banana Republic
+ Relative: Grandpa (mom’s side)
+ Sport: College football
+ Ice Cream Flavor: Rocky Road
+ Fruit: uy….don’t have one.
+ Candy: Cadbury’s Dairy Milk
+ Holiday: Christmas
+ Day of the Week: Friday
+ Time: Afternoon
+ Color: Royal blue
+ Name for a Girl: Magdalena (US version: Madeleine)
+ Name for a Boy: Gabriel
+ Quote: ”Life is such stuff that dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep” ~ Shakespeare.
SECTION 9 DO YOU...
+ Like to give hugs? Very
+ Like to give kisses? That too.
+ Like to walk in the rain? Definitely.
+ Prefer black or blue pens? Blue
+ Like to travel? Yes
+ Sleep on your side, tummy or back? Back
+ Think you're attractive? Yes; I take care of myself, dammit! :-P
+ Have a goldfish? Wtf? No.
+ Ever have the falling dream? Yes
+ Have stuffed animals? Gave them to girls.
SECTION 10 WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...
+ Abortion: To each her own.
+ Smoking: Dumb, dumb, dumb thing to do, but I won’t crucify anyone for it.
+ Eating Disorders: Ridiculous.
+ Suicide: Pitiful.
+ Summer: Beaches, boats, and girls in bikinis
+ Tattoos: will have one someday (Hagakure)
+ Piercings: On girls, great. On guys, faggish.
SECTION 11 THIS OR THAT...
+ Pierced nose or tongue? On a girl: either’s fine as long as it ain’t huge.
+ Single or taken? Taken…sort of.
+ MTV or BET? HBO.
+ 7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek? “Gilmore Girls” *puts on flame suit*
+ Sugar or salt? Sugar.
+ Silver or gold? Silver.
+ Chocolate or flowers? PS2 Games.
+ Color or Black-and-white photos? B&W.
+ M&M's or Skittles? M&M’s
+ Stay up late or sleep in? Stay up late
+ Hot or cold? Cold
+ Sun or moon? Sun(set)
+ Left or Right? Straight ahead.
+ 10 Acquaintances or one best friend? I got 6 best friends! :-D PWNAGE!!
+ Mustard or ketchup? Suicide.
+ Spring or Fall? Fall.
+ Happy or sad? Monchhichi happy.
+ Wonder or amazement? Wonder
+ McDonald's or Burger King? Hirano’s
+ Mexican or Italian food? Italian.
+ Lights on or off? Off.
+ Candy or soda? Water.
+ Pepsi or Coke? Pepsi.
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February 26, 2005
22:54 EST
Music: "In the Air Tonight" by Nonpoint
Mood: Hotcha! Homina!
I'm not very well right now; not quite sure how to put it, either. I'm somewhere between "annoyed" and "pissed off": not quite the latter, but definitely more than the former. G's been on the edge of my nerves for weeks now, and tonight is just another Saturday night he semi-ruined for me.
So anyway, he wasn't around for most of the day because he was working with his dad and grandpa (left his cell at home, turned off, so I couldn't get to him anyway). Usually, this is the part of the weekend where he asks Mark and I to wait 2 hours for him to get done before heading over to Josh's; 7 times out of 10, we do. Today, we didn't, so we went to Josh's and hung out and shit. After a few hours, shit at Josh's house got too much to handle with people bitching here and there about stupid stuff so we left for the island where we rented "Ghost in the Shell: Innocence" and started to watch it at Mark's.
Before long, G started bitching non-stop about a character that is in the series but is (supposedly) not in this movie. He just kept going and going and going; add to that the fact that the movie bored me to death, I decided to just go home and yap on the phone. Well, him and Mark started ripping on my ass about this and I looked at those two and was just like, "I can't believe....out of all people...that you two...can have the nerve of bitching at ME about bailing and such." I left before I could (further) lose my temper and talked to Josh outside to clear my head before leaving.
Anyway, I've been disgruntled with G for awhile now. I'm not gonna get into details but I'm just gonna say that I'm trying my best to look at things from a mature point of view but sometimes, it really does feel like, "If I give in to demands, I'm a tool but if I don't, then I'm an asshole". Josh and Mark will understand what I'm talking about.
Feeling shitty about having a good friend making you feel shitty makes it that much...shittier. >:O
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February 16, 2005
21:30 EST
Music: "Here by Me" by 3 Doors Down
Mood: Moncchichi
Somebody
I’m trying to be somebody
I’m not trying to be somebody else…
Never mind the face that I put on and
Never mind the pain that I’ve been through
The day has come and the sun is moving on
Yet I don’t know where I’ll go, I don’t know when I’m coming home
I’ve been the wrong road tonight
I swear I’ll never go there again
A promise I’ve made time and time again
I feel trapped inside this world I made myself
It is not the life for me
I’m trying to be somebody
I’m not trying to be somebody else
As I silently scream to the mirror
“Look what you did! Is this who you wanted me to be?!
Well, it’s not me…
Look what you did! Is this how you wanted it to be?!
This life you gave away was meant for me and I want it back.”
What they say, what they know, what they think won’t ever bring me down
This life is mine and I am on my own
There’s something I can’t see, something different in the way I smile
Behind these eyes I hide, too long now too comfortable
So just show me the road and I will find my own
They build their bridges and I’ll burn ‘em down
So far away and all alone I roam
I’ll take a chance before the chance is gone
Though all I wonder now is who’s for sale
Yet I know I won’t know and the world won’t tell
Another day and yet another’s done: I won’t spend a life living in the past
I’m trying to be somebody
I’m not trying to be somebody else
This life He gave to me
I’m trying to be somebody
I’m not trying to be somebody else
This life for me
Take a chance before the chance is gone
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February 15, 2005
21:36 EST
Music: "Shine Your Light" by Robbie Robertson
Mood: A bit annoyed
Happy Valentine's Day to whoever!
My V.D. went really well. Actually, we had to do ours late as hell on Sunday because Janey had to go catch up with her parents in Statesboro on Monday. It went off better than I thought it would (I predicted disaster because....hey, you know my clumsy ass): the flowers turned out great, I cooked without a catastrophe (no explosion, no cuts, and it tasted pretty good!) and the movie we rented was a chick flick I actually like ("The Notebook"). Before all of this, I spent the night working and then chilling with Kiet and Josh. So all in all, a very good weekend.
One thing I'm getting tired of is defending my major against my parents and their acquaintances. It's really not my parents, but it's their "friends": random people here and there that talk about what a bad idea it is for me to go into psychology. They say that a lot of people fail, or never finds a job, and so forth; ya know, just really uplifting stuff. So anyway, the result is me having to explain just about once every 2 weeks what the field of psychology has in store and what jobs it yields.
So a little background for non-psych people: psychology is a very, very new science. It is only about 125 years old, which is ridiculously young for a science compared to biology and chemistry. A lot of the "facts" in psychology is still widely disputed, and the number of proven theories pale in comparison against other fields. As such, it is not widely known exactly what a psychologist does. In contrast, every person knows what a doctor, a chemist, or a pharmacist does because they've been around for soooo much longer. However, not a lot of people know the difference between a clinical psychologist, a developmental psychologist, or a criminal psychologist; hell, some people don't even know that there are many different fields in psychology or the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist.
With that in mind, I'm not trying to say that it is brave of me to jump into this mysterious field (although, it kinda is) but I know that it's not going to yield the highest pay (compared to a doctor) or the most job opportunities (compared to a pharmacist), but it is truly a field that I love and excel in. I have made A's in all of my PSYC classes and it's one of the few subjects where I can make myself sound like the textbook. :-P So it just annoys me when I hear people who know very little, if any, about psychology dissing it because they went to school and got a BA in psych and can't do shit with it.
Anyway, the group minus Mark and Kiet saw "Hitch" on Saturday and it was damn good. It's Will Smith's best so I'm gonna tell everyone to go see the damn thang. We're still trying to work on RE4's Handcannon and Mercenaries, so I think we're gonna be on it for a while. I must go now to shop online at GAP.com! :-)
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February 6, 2005
01:48 EST
Music: "Live Like You were Dying" by Tim McGraw
Mood: Sleepy
Implemented changes to the page, as can be seen: might be dull, but I've never been very creative and I prefer simplicity. Plus, there's something about the plainness of white...:-P
My mom pointed out to me earlier that exactly 11 years ago from today (02/06) was the day I was baptized. It really got me to think a lot about how I have been with religion: my struggles, my doubts, my triumphs. It's funny...I'm kinda both more religious than most people but at the same time, I'm kinda less (I haven't been in a church since 1999). I know the bible pretty well but I haven't read it in ages, and I try to walk the good life yet I realize my straying every now and again. Some of them I repent, some of them I don't.
It helps that Mark's a devout Christian and his views on God and the world are rather parallel with mine. Josh and Kiet are a lot less "believing" than we are and...I'm okay with that. Through a long process, I've come to undersatnd that having faith in an invisible man in the sky is not something that you can teach, preach, or breach without your own point of view of it. Hell, it ain't even something that's easy to believe at all: a tall, bearded white man in a toga watching you at all times. There is something to be said about being agnostic (believing that the existence of a higher being can neither be proven or disproven), which is what I think Kiet is.
Nevertheless, believing gives me peace, gives me this serenity that I've longed for. It's extremely evident to me how the purging of my once-imbued faith has changed my attitude; all I'm saying is that I can see how I respond to negative scenarios a lot differently than I did a year or two ago. I'd love to spread the work of God through my actions, but...I'm just gonna try to be the best I can be and ask for help on doing that from everybody and everyone.
So in the end: 11 years I've been "saved", 1 year I've been living safe in Him. To reflect, here is Gavin DeGraw's "Belief". Oh, and God...thanks for the patience.
Belief
Makes things real, makes things feel
Feel alright
Belief makes things true
Things like You...You and I
Builds from scratch, doesn't need to relax
It doesn't need the space
Long live the queen and I'll be the king
In the collar of grace
Tonight, You arrested my mind
When you came to my defense
With a knife, in the shape of Your mouth
In the form of Your body
With the wrath of a God
Oh, You stood by me...belief
I'm going to yell it from the rooftops
I'll wear a sign on my chest
That's the least I can do...
Tonight, You arrested my mind
When You came to my defense
With a knife, in the shape of Your mouth
In the form of Your body
With the wrath of a God
Oh, You stood by me
And I'll stand by my belief.
I will stand by my...
~I will stand by my~
Like You stood by me
I will stand by my...stand by my
Belief.
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January 31, 2005
23:17 EST
Music: "Falling Away from Me" by KoRn
Mood: Happy happy joy joy
Been feeling pretty good lately. I'm doing really well in school: an "A" on my first test (Philosophy), an "A" on my first paper (Statistics), and all of my other classes I just "get it". It feels good walking in class knowing that I can be immersed and not feel lost.
I'm really pressuring myself into saving money: according to calculations, at the current rate I'm going at working, I should be able to save up at least $500 per month. Those tickets really kicked my ass and I do think they've cost me the $500 from last month >:O Fuck T-bolt! Either way, if I do go to boot this summer, that'll be the end of my jobs so I need to loot money while I can. :-P
There was a job opening at the Yummy House for part-time cashier and I called everybody I know to inform them: lo and behold, Thao got the job. *smirks* God likes to throw me curveballs. She starts Friday, so this should be interesting on how it plays out.
Another random note: Mark pointed out to me this past Saturday about how my nature on dealing with people have changed lately. He said I've gotten calmer and less in-your-face, and more Christian. It kinda blew my mind for a little while then it's like, "Well...I'm happy to hear that!"
January's gone already, holy monkey of Donkey.
Times are hard when things have got no meaning
I've found a key upon the floor
Maybe you and I will not believe in
The things we find behind the door
So what's the matter with you?
Sing me something new
Don't you know: the cold and wind and rain don't know
They only seem to come and go away
Stand by me; nobody knows the way it's gonna be
Stand by me; nobody knows the way it's gonna be
Stand by me; nobody knows the way it's gonna be
Stand by me; nobody knows the way it's gonna be
Stand by me...nobody knows.
No, nobody knows
The way it's gonna be
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January 22, 2005
21:35 EST
Music: "Forget It" by Breaking Benjamin
Mood: Random thoughts
Not a lot of people like to talk about the future in Savannah.
Well, okay yeah there's a few. Aside from them, I think there's a "Small Town Syndrome" where one can be scared to think about what lies ahead and fear that no matter what one does, one will end up back in Savannah as an old failure. I noticed this in high school, and I notice it now...a mirror of my own fears. Seems like young Savannians fall into two categories: the ones afraid to leave town, and the ones who leave it blindly.
I finished reading "Friday Night Lights" by H.G. Bissinger recently (fantastic movie too, btw); it was very good and very scary. The town of Odessa in West Texas, the setting of the true story, is smaller than Savannah and is a place where if you're born there, you're probably going to die there regardless of where you go in-between the cradle and the grave. It's a town where one's excellence reaches only as far as the city limits and after that, one is just another dime-a-dozen. It's a town where being a nice character still gets you somewhere, even though it does not in the outside ("real") world. It's a town like Savannah, I think.
The reason it scared the hell out of me: I've been feeling old lately. Not like the Pope old, but worn-out old. As Bilbo Baggins said, "...thin, like butter scraped over too much bread". Reason being I think is because of my schedule: school 5 days a week, work 6 days a week. I've become a robot, I feel, and I can't quit any of the jobs because I need to raise money for college and maintain that bank account. The revenue is very nice, and I feel good being able to help out my parents. However, I'm terrified that my priveledged position may have caused me the ability to enjoy a portion of my youth.
Saturdays have been my only days off in the last month and a half, and I pressurize myself to making the most of it every time. It doesn't always go that way though: a social life depends on other people, and I'm not in a position to impose on my friends' schedule just because I'm such a self-imposed busy fuck. It's just that we'd accomplish nothing and before we know it, Monday's here and yet another week goes by waiting for Saturday to return. It's basically being alive 7 days a week but only getting 1 day to "live". A lot of the Saturdays have been spent in failed plans and sudden bailings, and a lot of the Saturday nights I come home with a heavy heart.
Heavy-hearted because on those nights I get to thinking, "Is this what the adult life holds for me? Is this what that 9-5 life people fear so much is like?" Ain't much to do in Savannah when you're trying to save money and when you're trying to live healthy: with no drinking and no smoking, I'm very cool with renting a movie or a good dinner or a night of just sitting around conversing. It doesn't always go that way, again. I think my buddies are tired of one routine or another: I get tired of games, Kiet gets tired of movies, etc. I noticed that I'm not the only one drowning into a routine: Kiet's science classes are smothering him with homework, and he literally spends an entire day on Physics alone. Josh and Jason works now, and Mark....let's not go there. Basically, all of us have little spare time now and everybody wants to spend that little time doing what they want to do individually, so group activities has been a bit of a rarity lately.
Thus, my true fear was revealed to me when I was thinking about that: time. Dear God, it flies by; it's the end of January 2005 already! The "Small Town Syndrome" I mentioned earlier is here for me because even in Savannah, my time is whoozing by. What the hell would life be like outside, in bigger cities?! I have dreams, but little natural talent. My dreams are the ones that have great chances of failing miserably: the military, English, and Psychology. When my time is up, will I be back in Savannah as a nobody? As time goes by, will I still know "K-Dawg Kiet" and "Freako Freako Josh"? My mind's restless, y'all, and I can't do nothing about it unless wait as life unfolds.
Oif...I'm ranting again, which makes it sound like I doubt God, who I believe has full control over me and is guiding me. I sound like I don't trust my friends and I doubt them also. I just can't shake feeling like a buoy, just floating here and there wherever the current takes me. Just want something concrete to hold on to for a little while, I suppose.
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January 13, 2005
21:07 EST
Music: "Soul to Squeeze" by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Mood: Much calmer
So the meeting with the recruiters went well, but my body build and height poses a problem. According to the Army chart, someone my age and height should be around 154 lbs. I'm a 180 lbs. guy O_O Duly noted by them that I'm not that way because of obesity but because of weightlifting, they gave me two choices: lose waist size or beef up my neck. Beefing up your neck means working out the muscles there, which is the same way you injure your neck so I'm not doing that. Therefore, I now have about a week to lose an inch off my waist. Hmm...furious cardio, here I come.
My parents calmed down, I think. My mom said that they were watching some news about soldiers torturing an Iraqi because their superior officer told them to, and a bunch of shitty stuff about the military. This is why I don't watch the news: each station is biased, no one reports "the truth" and the damn military always comes off as either stupid or sadistic (or both). It's not fair to our soldiers and it's not fair to us to turn on the TV hoping to know what's going on around the world only to find that the "reporting" is now just a way to reach an agenda for certain people.
To quote Mick Foley: "Yes, the media is faker than pro-wrestling!"
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January 12, 2005
21:18 EST
Music: "Awake" by Godsmack
Mood: Army of one?
I'm going to meet Sgt. Viramontes tomorrow to finalize my entry to the Army Reserves. I'm psyched, I'm ready, but I'm scared to death. Scared to death of not being good enough, of failing: I won't mind boot camp, hot weather and mosquitoes will be tough as hell but I'll survive. Physical toughness I'm not scared of, but I don't want to find out that I wasn't prepared enough or what not, anything that starts with "not" and ends with "enough" with some nightmare word in the middle.
Parents are bitching at me, which adds to my annoyance/fear. They're asking ridiculous questions like, "How do you know you're going to serve the time they promised you" and, "How do you know they're going to pick you up for your job?" I told them, it's the fucking United States Military; their response was that they've been watching CNN and how the military makes mistakes. Excellent: I do research, talk to the people I know that are in service, but my Fox News-watching parents know more about the Army then I do. So they needlessly and not-so-subtly imply that maybe I haven't done enough research, or ask the right questions, or think things through, as if I just woke up yesterday morning and said, "I think I'll join the Army!" I've been talking to a branch of the military since sophomore year. That's FOUR years of asking, talking, reading, writing, listening, staring, and pondering. After FOUR years, I get, "I don't think you've thought this through". Fuck you and your not listening and watching me research for FOUR years.
I don't need this right now, I need support. I'm fucking about to make one of the biggest fucking decision of my fucking life for fuck's sake, and all they can do to express their worries or whatever is to bitch at me. Hey parents: this type of approach will only make your kid(s) hot-headed and more irrational than think it through like you think they haven't done.
Scream for me, Godsmack; I'm saving my energy. *bleeds internally* I'll get over this tomorrow, but for now, I just want to stay mad.
Lyrical expression of the entry: "Bother" by Stone Sour
Wish I was too dead to care, if indeed I care at all
Never had a voice to protest, so you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason, my flaws are open season
For this I gave up trying, one good turn deserves my dying
You don't need to bother; I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping further
But once I hold on, I won't let go 'til it bleeds
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January 7, 2005
11:04 EST
Music: "Almost" by Bowling for Soup
Mood: The good kind of tired
School's been good: lovely classes, people I know in all of them, cool teachers. Saved a bunch of money on used books thanks to Lindsay (<3 ya for this homegirl!) and the apprehensive feeling I had a few days ago is just about gone. Dr. Roberts' class kicked my ass last semester but this one I think I'm gonna like since the syllabus sounds interesting (and that's saying something).
In addition to school, I also wake up at 0600 every weekday now to immediately head to the Y. It's AWESOME working out in the morning: it wakes me up, there's not a soul there, and I can spend a good 30 minutes of lifting and 30 minutes of cardio without rushing myself. This new schedule will work out fine as long as I keep my ass off the laziness.
J-L and I had a "DTR talk" (thank Grace for coining that term) a few ago. "Defining The Relationship" and so we're back together...for now. It's really been hot-and-cold in terms of how she think of us, but we act the same either way so I don't really care. Usually flip-flopping irritates the hell out of me but if the feelings and actions stay the same, why does it matter? I think I'll just ride this one out without thinking, "OH my God I'm in a relationship, I have to blah blah blah".
Still haven't confronted Kiet; from the looks of things, I probably won't anytime soon. Too much at risk: I know him well enough to know that he'll react in a volatile way since this matter concerns his "wife". That's the thing with him that I think I'm the only one who has witnessed (maybe Josh...not sure): Kiet's laid back and relaxed and is a good player in debates unless if the topic is about Thao, then she's simply perfect and can do no wrong. So me confronting him about this whole lying straight to my face matter will probably just end up in a big, "Fuck Off" battle. Worse is that I can't even talk to Josh about it anymore: he's sick of the whole thing so whenever I bring up a point, it's treated with a mild amount of attention and an even more minimal amount of thought(s). He'll more than likely just say that I'm overreacting and being anal. I think I'll ask Mark: I haven't seeked his council in a while.
And I almost had you, but I guess that doesn't cut it
Almost loved you; I almost wished you would've loved me too
You kept me guessing and I guess that I spent my time missing you
Here I go thinking about all the things I could've done
I'm gonna need a forklift 'cause all the baggage weighs a ton
I know we've had our problems; I can't remember one
I almost forgot to say something else
And if I can't fit it in, I'll keep it all to myself
And I almost had you, and I didn't even know it
Almost had you, but I guess that didn't cut it
I almost loved you; I almost wished you would've loved me too
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January 3, 2005
11:30 EST
Music: "T.N.T" by AC/DC
Mood: Groggy, just woke up
Happy New Year.
So at the start of a new 12-months, some things ended: yesterday was the last day for Anne, one of the pharmacists I worked with. She is 25 weeks pregnant and she was admitted into the hospital 3 days before Christmas for a bladder infection. Long story short, her doctor doesn't want her working the 12-hour days anymore so Kroger is sending her to another store to work 8-hour days with almost double the personnel help that our store has. Once she goes into maternity leave, it'll seal any possibilites of her coming back to my store. Anne's probably the best boss I've ever had and just one genuinely wonderful human being. I've had tons of fun working with her these two years and that little family in the pharmacy is losing someone, but I wish her the best of luck and I'll miss her.
Things are going good lately in terms of social life, but stuff's been happening with Kiet that bothers me. He's been acting weird, and not like "oddball" weird but more like "secretive asshole" weird. New Year's Eve, we were all waiting for him forever and he called G and Josh saying that he's on his way, but 4 hours later he was still not there. I say he damn near ruined NYE for us, and later on we found out that he left his cell phone at home and had gone downtown with some family members to eat and party. On a lighter note, we were waiting for him starving to death and getting worried. When I questioned him about it later on, first he claimed that he didn't have time to call one of us (bullshit) and then said that he couldn't remember my number (BULLSHIT). So a guy who passed Pre-Cal with a 110 and is a natural whiz with number couldn't remember his best friend's cell phone number......right.
On top of things, I found out that he and Thao are back together and have been so for weeks. This would explain A LOT of things, and how great is it that I had to find out through pure chance when we bumped into an old friend at Hollywood Videos who said that she saw him at the mall with his g/f a week ago. I asked Kiet why Thao has been absent around me lately and he said he had no clue, so now I can add "blatant lying" to his list of accomplishments. My patience grows thin, but I'm not even going to bother pursuing this one.
I need to go ahead and schedule my ship-off date with my recruiter, and apply for that transfer to UGA. With so many significant changes coming this year, I hope I can handle them because I know that 2005 will fly by just as fast as 2004.
"Troy" comes out Tuesday!! Buy It!!!!!
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December 27, 2004
22:50 EST
Music: "Pieces" by Sum 41
Mood: Annoyed
Hilton Head was a good trip, but not the best. The semi-annual walk on the beach was kinda sucky, with only Mark and Jason there. Josh was always asleep a good 3, 4 hours before the three of us. Christmas day was fun though, at least for me: I spent the better part of the afternoon downtown with Janella. It was cold as hell and kinda drizzling, kinda sunny, but she'd been wanting to spend that day walking around the parks and squares so I, for reasons out of my knowledge and my willingness to admit, obliged. The peeps at the pharmacy said it was very romantic for us to do and I agree. :-P Plus, like I said: it was colder than Rosie O'Donnell's heart/ass on Valentine's Day so we clung onto each other for warmth, which is always a positive note in my boy-book! >D
My modem-usage is now limited thanks to my brother. He pissed off my dad by being on the computer for 5 straight hours, so he got off and then got back on after a little while. That drove my dad nuts and now the modem is unhooked and being kept somewhere. He lets me use it every now and then but that's it.
That said, I hate my brother. Not like, "arr you're annoying" hate, but more like "if murder wasn't illegal" hate right now. He doesn't think for anybody else, ever. Hell, he hardly thinks. He always pisses off my dad: being lazy, being in the house all the time, being extremely overweight and not doing anything to solve it, etc. Every time my dad gets mad, I'm the one calming him down; I fight my brother's battles and my mom catches the brunt of it too, but he always goes back and do the same shit again. I begged him to go to the Y just once a day for an hour, and we've bent over backwards all the time. I'm tired of it. He lives life knowing that there's a safety net that's ever-present and it reflects in everything he does: he spends his money insanely because he can always get more from my mom. He's lazy in school because being in IB program supposedly will give him an extra 0.5 boost in his college GPA. Everything he does screams laziness, but when he pays, my mom and I also pay. It's unfair and it's bullshit, so I'm done helping him. No more work-out programs, no more help with English, no more advices, no more driving tips. He's 17 years old! It's time for him to wrap that shit up.
Aside from my disowning of a "little brother" (as the term implies a dependency that I will no longer acknowledge), not a whole lot has been going on. Josh's family is giving him shit about joining the Army and I do not understand that shit. My family asked maybe 5, 6 questions regarding safety and that's it while his is basically bitching about it. Y'all, it's the military! Shut the fuck up about it and let the man live; he's already insecure and indecisive enough as he is without people second-guessing him. Mark's gonna be in Hilton Head until the second, which basically means he'll probably commit suicide sometime in the next 2 days.
Thao called me about 2 days ago and that's the first time I talked to her in a month and a half or so. She said that she never got my messages and only got the one I left her Christmas Eve. Anyway, I kinda gave up on giving a shit: if that's true, okay. If she's lying, then it's not my conscience or my karma that's going to be stained. I kinda got the hint that since Kiet is back, I've served my purpose and am no longer needed and if that's the case, then so be it. I'm not going to beg for her attention or (if she's being truthful) make her feel guilty for making decisions, even if they would be deemed selfish by me or other people. This saga ends now.
I go now to return this modem to my dad *shakes fist in extreme Raging Demon anger* and to pretend that I'm thinking of a New Year's Resolution.
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December 20, 2004
00:13 EST
Music: "Let's Get Blown" by Snoop Dogg featuring Pharrell
Mood: Hello Monday
Plans for our semi-annual trip to Hilton Head is underway, but a job interview for Josh may hinder it. In a nutshell, there's a possibility that the trip may be scrapped because he'd rather work his new job at Hardees if they ask him to instead of going with us, and if Josh doesn't go it'll leave only Jason, Mark, and I and Jason wouldn't feel like doing anything with 3 people. This sucks.
Bluntly speaking, if we end up not going because people are being whiny bitches, I'm going to be the worst person to be around for at least a week. I know Josh is tired of being broke but it's Christmas week, and Hilton Head is our "thing", it's like our best time to escape and unwind. I won't be mad as in spoiled-brat-who-didn't-get-his-way mad, but I've taken this entire week off of work (both jobs) and I can't reclaim those hours, so not going would basically means that my friends just cost me almost $300 that I could've made. >:O I find that to be bullshit and rather inconsiderate, especially if Josh is turned off only by the fact that Mark's nieces will be there babysat by his mom.
I don't think Hilton Head has ever sucked. Every time we go up there, we have fantastic late night conversations and we just get to know each other more. I remember 5 guys being up there just bonding with each other and it gave me this serenity in knowing how well I know my friends and how well they know me. Most people, especially younger ones, are too damned scared of bonding: they're scared of machoism or vulnerability, scared of reps, etc. Just fucking scared. In the hotel room in Hilton Head, it's like the walls provide this barrier where all the worries just stop outside the door and every thing said inside stays inside. There's something magical about that simple place.
Oh yeah...I REALLY want to hit the factory stores too!! :-D (I'm pretty damn sure I'm like a quasi-metrosexual).
Merry Christmas, Peace on Earth, etc. etc.
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December 12, 2004
22:48 EST
Music: "Shimmer" by Fuel
Mood: So shitty....so, so shitty
I feel so bad right now. Like, that shitty feeling where you can actually feel your chest hurt. My brother's IB friends were just here (Terri, Thao, and Sarah) doing math with him and it's the first time I've seen Thao in about a month. Like I said, I haven't talked to her at all and tonight there she was and it was like we barely know each other. It made me feel really shitty. They just left, and I felt this pit in me where my stomach just fell into.
Don't take this as a sign of romanticism; it's not. I'm just...I value friendship and the concept of it above just about all else, and I love making new friends and seeing if I can make them true friends. Thao and I have always had a good vibe, we just mesh and it's cool. Now I feel us degenerating and I don't know why: I haven't talked to her so I couldn't have possibly offended her. I called her, but she never called me back. She calls me whenever she needs help and that's about it. Hell, maybe she's just a bitch in disguise and that's all there is to it; I don't know, but I hate this. I hate when friends drift away without a reason and I feel like I failed somehow, like I haven't been a good one.
I'm not going to ask her, nor will I snoop. I don't think I should...I want to, but I can't. I know I don't play a large role in her life so I'd just get shrugged off. Fuck me sideways, this sucks.
"Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief." - Marcus Tullius Cicero
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December 8, 2004
00:06 EST
Music: "Million Miles" by Lostprophets
Mood: Hmph
To a man I respect: wherever has he gone?
Fragment (of a Man)
How does it feel?
How does it feel to hit rock-bottom and not even know it?
To sink beneath the surface of your capabilities and not even notice?
To be so blinded by life’s twist of fate that you gouge your “eyes”
May you never see again.
And that’s not even the worst part.
The worst part is that…
You know.
You know where you are, and you know how you’ve fallen.
Fall, O fall, great archangel!
Spiraling downward like The One Who Will Not Serve
Oh, how I watched you fall!
To think that I could only watch, I! I who have been your aide for so many winters.
To see or not to see, what is your question?
What is it about this so-called riddle that you cannot answer?
Dear Lord, how I loathe the way your voice changes when that fairy beckons.
And how you change yourself for her as if you are clay when you are finer than gold!
Oh…God, how you bend and break yourself as if it was to serve a purpose.
Oh…what does it profit a man to gain her love but lose his self?
A rapping on the door; who there? Who could it be?
Why, it’s your pride. Ignore the call! He has no place here!
He has lost you long ago.
He bled out of you like her love for you.
Hah! How I laugh at your petty attempts at machismo when you have no pillars of it left!
You do not care? I see that! You do not give a shit? I notice!
At once ice and flame, a painless straddling of the fence.
You noble mule!
You cling upon the moon, and you prevent the sunrise.
All the while, you cast the night gloom upon your subjects and allies.
The moon, the inconsistent moon!
Wanting you not half the way you want her.
But you tell yourself otherwise, do you not?
Your hypocrisy, your contradiction; they are painful to watch.
Die, and be still.
Small two of pieces that do not fit.
Right shapes, wrong positions.
And the rest of the pieces pay for it.
A fragment. Becoming useless. More and more.
The abundance of fragment sentences are there purposely, by the way (cheap pun).
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December 6, 2004
00:47 EST
Music: "Scars" by Papa Roach
Mood: After-hours moodiness.
Today marks the beginning of finals week, which is a pile of bullshit because I'll be driving to Armstrong every day for 4 days for 1 exam each, taking maybe an hour to an hour and a half. Very annoying and it SO wastes gas. I'm so glad that this semester is over and I am extremely disappointed in my Perception class. Last year I said that Anthropology was the worst, most boring class ever; this class makes Anth look like the Mardi Gras and Florida Spring Break in put together.
Something that has been annoying me for quite some time: I haven't heard from Thao in a good month or so. No calls, no nothing. I have no idea why, and maybe I'm just exaggerating but I hate not hearing from friends; it makes me think negative scenarios and makes me ask myself if I have done anything to wrong them. I know...I know she talks to Kiet all the time now and he can actually call her, so no matter what anyone says, I feel like she went, "Oookay, I don't need you anymore; bye!" Come on now, someone please tell me it doesn't sound like that. I don't think it's like that, I don't know if it's like that, I don't give a shit if it's like that; it feels like that. I'm mad, disappointed, and sad.
SO, with that in mind and the break coming up, I am going to take all the pissed-off-ness in me and shove it all into the YMCA. I love working out: the tension, the soreness, the struggles. Every thing. I want to work on cardio and lose fat content, and I want to make sure that I'm ready for this summer's boot camp (especially my knee). This past summer, I woke up at 0700 every morning to go to the Y and it felt G-R-E-A-T! I have two great escapes where whenever I go to them, I forget about all the dramas and worries: when I'm driving and when I'm lifting. I want to find my place again.
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I've tried
I'm sorry, but I gotta move on with my own life
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I can't do much
Our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
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February 29, 2004
01:17 EST
Music: "I miss You" by Blink 182
Mood: Leap year (rare)
Clean start, let's shake it up.
I just got off the phone with Alli; we talked for a good hour and I just started thinking and now I'm putting the thoughts down in writing so bear with me. The following is my ranting on friendships and the miracles through which they arrive.
Isn't it funny how things just fall into place sometime? Makes you wonder if things like "destiny" or "fate" really do exist. All I know is that my life in the United States has been nothing short of a continuously-working miracle; the way it all went down, it can't be anything less than a constructed path planned by God. It's just not possible for it to be anything less because the odds against it are too much.
Who would have ever thought that a kid from Indonesia, some podunk country on the other side of the planet, can come to Georgia and actually have a better life than he had before? All I could remember as far as "friends" are concerned back there were people who used me to do homework and classwork. It's kinda sad and depressing now that I thought about it that I never had a friend back in the place where I was born and raised. All I had were...acquaintances. Even the ones I have now can't even begin to understand how deep those first cuts to my feelings were and how emotionally tormented I was just from the fact that I was just...some geeky sonofabitch everyone can use. That's why these days, I strive on excelling and being better than people and standing out: I'm not gonna be just another fool people can bring down.
What are the odds of me meeting Kiet in my first experience of an American public high-school homeroom? We were the only two Asians in a room of 2 white kids and an assload of blacks with a British teacher. Even to this day I think about it and it just doesn't compute. Even worse, what are the odds of meeting Josh and Mark just because all of us were looking for a table that wasn't occupied by people who wouldn't let us sit? The odds of me meeting Jeff in AP classes and gelling immediately, a Chinese Indonesian guy and a South Georgian guy? The odds against these events are incredible. The chances of me going across the world not knowing who I am and meeting not one, not two, but FOUR people I liked right off the bat and who are so much like me that they helped me define me are astronomically small. It's like a 0.000000000001% chance. Then I got to Armstrong and first people I met were Chris and John, who I gelled with instantly also. I mean, what the fuck? There are people who went through high school and college without this kind of luck and I struck gold during the first day both times. It's crazy.
It's phenomenal to me how I have met Jordan, Alli and Kacie. These girls, especially Jordan, have meant so much to me, it's not even funny to think that they're all gone. I never thought I relate to girls as much as I do the guys but damn...they proved me wrong. Jordan for the most part was pretty much perfect for me. Even now I don't understand how I ended up with her; again, too perfect to be a coincidence. Kacie...well you know the story. Alli, I love her to death, she's my homegirl. In a span of 6 months, I became as good as a friend with her as I am with Mark and Josh, and that is damn impressive. These girls have helped make me feel so much better about myself; affirmations of what I do right and warnings of what I do wrong. They're miracle in small boxes, with little yellow tags.
It's kinda funny that Indonesia is the place I was born and raised in until I was 14 and yet I didn't know who the fuck I was. I lived in Georgia for 5 years now and it's the place I've grown to love dearly; it's the place where I found myself and where I found out who I am, what I want, and how I want to live. I love Savannah. I love Georgia. I love the south, man, I can't tell you how much. I'm not trying to be white or trying to change who I am: this is who I am. When I say I love the Bulldogs and college football, I don't do it because I'm trying to be someone I'm not. When I say that I love steak better than rice, it's because I do. People think I act weird because I wasn't raised here but what they don't realize is that....I was. I "grew up" here. I came out of my shell in Savannah, GA. The real me was born here; not back home where all I worried about was making good grades.
The bad times, well damn...where should I start? Actually, I wouldn't take none of them back. The fights with Josh, the arguments with Mark, the things Kacie and I said to each other; none of them I regret. I said what I felt needed to be said and I know that those things were not said to fuel my ego. I don't regret anything and I take them all as I go; the ones who saw through it are still with me. There will be no thoughts that goes, "I wish I didn't do that" or, "I wish I didn't say that". The pain and pleasure, the highs and lows, the tears and laughter, I wouldn't give none of it back to y'all, because I've loved them all.
To this day, none of my friends realize just how much help they have been to me. Not a single one of them realize how they've saved my life and my soul, how they've changed me from how I used to be: aloof, alone, and so depressed that killing someone and killing myself never seemed bad. None of them realize that they are truly brothers to me because, dammit, I love every one of them. These are people I want by my dying bed and people I want to hear my dying breath. I'd rather hurt their feelings and myself than to let them walk down a destructive path, and I'll be willing to fuck someone up and receive the consequences if anyone decides to fuck with them.
I am Jessen. I'm a Chinese Indonesian that lives in Georgia and I wouldn't have it any other way. This is my life and I am alive, a fact that I used to loathe but now there's nothing more important to me. I'm going to graduate college, go into the United States Marine Corps and jump off planes before I die. When I do, I know that I'll die with a smirk because my life is funny. It has to be.
