9-28-03 cont.

The worst part of losing a best friend is knowing that the guy that would come over and give you hug because you were crying is gone. I’m sorry he’s so mad at me, but I don’t know what he wanted of me. That’s not true. I know he wanted me to be with him or be alone. I’m sorry things had to hurt him so much. I guess that’s why I couldn’t tell him in person that I found someone I liked. I just hope that someday he’ll forgive me. I’ll miss him until that possibly non-existent day. I can’t stand hurting people that I love. I only wish I could have helped him feel less worthless before he stopped talking to me. He read what I wrote about being a ride-giver and thought it was a form of insult as near as I can tell. I just don’t know why my hero, my angel, my friend has to be so mean to me right now. But if that’s what he needs to do, then that’s what he needs to do.

God I want to cry until I bleed from my eyes. I don’t want to see anymore. I hate life. I hate me. I hate hurting people. I want blood to pour from every orifice so I die a horrible and painful death just so life won’t seem as painful.

This is what it sounds like when Dragons weep.

I long for death’s sweet embrace when pain and hate are done with and all is lost. I want freedom from this mortal cage. Come sickle-bearer, bring me peace!