So Mike has this message board. Now he implemented a point system and ways to “spend” points. This system is starting to scare me. It feels like a big competition, which is the one thing I can’t stand more than anything else. Competitions make me want to stop trying. I want to just stop posting all together, but if I did that then I’d feel even more isolated then I already do.
This stupid girl read my website and made comments like “she’s so ‘interesting.’” Bitch. It pisses me off when people don’t come with an open mind. I don’t want to rant too much about open minds…that I can save ‘til I’m talking to Booth. He’s my partner in fuming about the idiocy of the masses. I’ve been spending that last couple of weekends cleaning out my grandmother’s place. It’s really strange going through someone’s life. As you sift through the objects that hold no significance anymore, you wonder why they were collected, what was the original importance. She had an old keychain with a little key on the end. Apparently when my grandmother met my grandfather she was wearing a dress with a little key on it and he accidentally ripped it while they were dancing. The key became a symbol of their romance.
I met a guy. Everyone is going to hate me for it, but I figure that I suffer alone I should be able to date alone. I feel bad for Mike, but at some point he’s going to have to realize that I’m not coming back. I love him, but I can’t be with him. I can stand all the fighting; I know we only fight because we love each other. I can’t stand how he would get angry with me when he’d promise that he wouldn’t. It fostered the feeling that I couldn’t be honest with him or I’d get the silent treatment. The silent treatment was the worst. I still want to hang out with him, but I want to date this guy too. I can’t tell Mike because he’d get mad and stop talking to me. I guess I need to decide if I want freedom or one of my two best friends. It’s a little hard when my other best friend is in LA. Plus if Mike stops talking to me then a couple of our mutual friends will stop talking to me and I’ll be left with people from the net and a couple of tangible friends…enough friends that I can count them on not even a full hand. I like David. If I have to give up all my friends, then I’ll still like him. Besides it won’t be all my friends. Sigh. This is what happens when two people from the same social group date for years. Leah says go for it and leave my woes behind while Bree says take some time and do some soul searching. Both are sagacious, and each is like an angel perched on my shoulder telling me what is right and wrong. I can hear their voices whispering into my ears about who I’ll hurt when I do something. Maybe I worry too much about hurting people. Maybe I should live for today, Carpe Diem Goddamnit! But still I feel strange when I think about Mike’s feelings and I need to stop. He is my friend, but I have needs too. Better make it Carpe Noctum.
(Later in the day…) Well I knew he'd freak out. I knew that he’d do that thing he always does. He read the earlier section and had this charming IM conversation with me:
[05:16:00 PM] Mike: i hope you are happy with david
[05:16:10 PM] Mike: that's all that really matters anymore i guess
[05:16:14 PM] Mike: have a nice night
[05:16:18 PM] me: don't do this
[05:17:28 PM] Mike: its already done
[05:17:31 PM] Mike: and im doing it
[05:17:35 PM] Mike: later