9-19-03


I don’t know what to do. I’ve met some nice people that in time I’m sure I would consider dating, but no matter what I wonder how everything I do would affect him. If I kiss another guy, if I hang out with people that he’s not friends with, and even if I don’t see him for a week or so…doing any of this makes me feel guilty. I don’t want to hurt him, but I want him to get over me. I don’t know how that’s possible to get over someone who hasn’t hurt you. He does things because he thinks those things will make me happy, he tells me what I want to hear…this is fraudulence to me. It is a form of lying. If I ask, “what do you want,” I don’t want to hear what I want; I want to know the answer to my question. I already know what I would like to do; what I then want is to know what he would like. But he doesn’t say. It’s like he doesn’t trust me with his feelings, his thoughts, his wants and needs. I honestly don’t know what to do. My heart is breaking to think of him hurt by me with someone else. I suppose I can live a life alone for his sake.

Sometimes he’s the only one I can turn to when something is wrong. He’s the only one around. Sometimes he tries to comfort me by putting his hand on my back. I feel like screaming. Doing this makes me feel so defenseless, so violated that I can’t speak. I want to jump into his arms and hug him but at the same time I know I shouldn’t. I know in my heart that things went wrong between us and that running to him yet again would only be cowardly. Since May he seems to have lost so much life. He once had a spirit to him perhaps from my presence, god does that sound conceited. But before we were together I never saw this aura of life within him, only depression and pain. Did I wrong him to leave him or do I wrong him by staying away. What of me? Is what I do for my happiness selfish? Should I hurt myself to make him happy? Should I hurt us both to make us happy? I’m trapped. I want to do what is right according to our societal standards, which would involve not being selfish and helping others. Also I’d like to be in a healthy relationship that involves little fighting, but I don’t think that’s possible with me. I think I’d fight with anyone I was in a relationship with. I’m a fiery person. I am like a dragon in human form. I am fire and brimstone underneath flesh. I see beyond the heart to the inner core with the eye of the gods. I know pain. None of my own, but I know the pain of sympathy and empathy; I know them well.

I hurt him when I’m with him and I hurt him when I’m away. Which is the best pain? This is the paradox hell I’m trapped in. I yelled at him for not telling me what he really wanted. Every time he tries to get away from me I kick and scream. I don’t want to live without him… that would hurt me too. I know it would hurt him as well. Should I just let him go this time? Would that be better for us?

He talks about dying and I want to comfort him. I can’t do it though. Sometimes I feel like we’re trapped in a play, doomed to repeat our painful performance night after night. Life is too short. How can I live without him in my life? How can I handle the torment of losing my best friend? What will I do without this angel to comfort me? Why can’t he just live forever? Death is picking on me I know it. All around me there is death and pain. My grandmother died on Wednesday. I haven’t been able to quite come to grips with it. But at the same time I have. She was the only grandparent I had left. Nothing as traumatic as losing a parent, but if he leaves me I know I’ll feel so alone.

There are times when I have these feelings. Premonitions is seems like. Most of the time my intuitions are from reading people and their reactions, but every now and then I just get tunnel vision and everything is clear in front of me. All of the distractions are wiped away. When my father called to say that his mother had left this earth the sound of the phone told me before he had a chance to speak. She was so small in that hospital bed, so motionless. She was a shell of who she had been. From seeing her I could understand the idea of a soul. I can understand believing in something that inhabits a body that gives it life and personality and motion and beauty. I can believe that I’m trapped in this existence.

.... The funny thing about him is that though he thinks no one cares about him or values him. There are those of us who just don’t see the point of hanging out at all unless he’s there. We all respect his opinion even if we argue with him; we all trust his word even if we question it at times. He is a hero that brings food, a giver of rides, and most of all a good friend. I just don’t know how to tell him this; he’d never believe any of it.