Rambling—Used, I feel used. I feel like I’m only tits and ass. That no male can look at me as a person. Scratch that, males that look at me as humanoid just want to be friends. I’m hurting so bad from my breakup that I just want to curl up in a ball and hide. I want to run away from the world. I feel a void in my heart when I see him or when B talks about him. I love him so much. But I was so sad, so unappreciated and so unfulfilled. He wasn’t a bad guy. He just didn’t know what he was doing at times. I’m not sure anymore. I was depressed so much with him. I’m depressed so much without him now. Maybe I’m manic-depressive. Maybe I’m just meant to be depressed all the time. Maybe I let the love of my life go. The only guy who could understand my faults and love me as a whole. What if he dies suddenly and he never knows how much he touched my heart and my life. What if he’s miserable forever too? What if our breakup sentenced him to misery as well?
I miss spending time with him. But if I spend time with him I’ll miss him more. I feel so alone when I’m with my friends and especially lonely when I with guys that “like” me. I think that guys only see my body or don’t see me at all. I feel like all people see is my more attractive friend. This is female depression at its worst, the self-doubt. Do I walk around thinking these things? Do I just pick up this pain when my hormones surge? I lost an earring. I was this cool cherry one. I’m in denial and think that maybe I’ll find it, like maybe its at someone’s house or something. That makes me sad. I really liked that earring. Geez, am I usually this boring? Meh. I guess I just need to work some things out in my brain.
Five minutes later…I want some sushi. I like Godsmack. Why do guys have posters of half-naked women or fully naked women and women don’t usually have posters of half-naked men? I want a poster of a half-naked guy…I really do think my ex has changed. He seems so different now. But what happens now? Our friendship is so different now. I don’t spend every weekend hanging out with him. I used to do that before we were together and now what do I do? I wish I could talk to someone about how I feel. I don’t have anyone close enough anymore. I don’t think I do. B is so patient and she already listens to way too much of my whining. This guy I used to talk to for hours at a time, now has a crush on me and that gets in the way of his advice. I wish I could control the human brain. I wish I could make the guys that are dependent on me for happiness so they could take on the world and make more friends. Would I be alone in this world if I did that? Funny, I complain about not being loved, about being liked too much, about being seen as only a sexual object, about not being seen as sexy. Wow. I am royally f**ked up. I don’t even know what I want. I guess I need to do some soul searching. That used to be easier when I was younger. I used to not mind being alone with my thoughts. Now, I hate being alone with my mind. I don’t like letting my own thoughts control my mind. The things in my head are so dark. I just want to push the darkness deep inside my brain and pray that they never rise again. Not all of my thoughts are dark. But, sometimes the darkness just overpowers and its hard to get the noise out of my ears. Late at night, sometimes, I can sleep because I can’t quiet the painful stabbing in my brain. Razors cutting my frontal lobe wake me up and up I rise from my slumber. I roam the house as a zombie. Too tired to control my thoughts, too much thinking to sleep. Sleepless thought zombie, sounds like a band name or something. Man writing this page makes me feel better. Somehow I could never manage to keep a regular book journal. This just seems easier. Maybe it’s the newness of the page or the fact that I can use spell check. I can’t spell. I blame society or my math brain, or both. Yeah society and my math brain suck. Life is rough. Not mine…but in general. I wonder what’s on the Discovery channel. The television is a good distracter when you’re depressed or procrastinating. …Auto response from Dragon: I like TV…it fills the void that family and friends should occupy.