I’m so bored. I’m that sort of nervous bored. I tried watching Romeo and Juliet, but the romantic parts seemed too depressing. Too bad tv sucks this late at night. I could be watching adult swim if it wasn’t a Friday. Shouldn’t I have party plans on a Friday night? I know of a movie that usually cheers me up, but is it really a night for Dracula? Listening to music just seems empty. All of my solitary activities seem empty. I feel like taking a walk to a park, but it’s so late that I’d hate to go by myself. I just wish someone was still up. I wish someone was still online. I just have this heavy emptiness in my heart. The moon looks so lonely in the bluish gray. I wish I had friends that called me and that wanted to include me without me having to ask first. Sometimes I wonder if my friends are really friends. I wonder if I shouldn’t have stayed up in Santa Barbara. I just don’t think I was ready to move out. I wasn’t ready to live my own life. I’m still so scared about life. I feel panicky all of a sudden. I wish I wouldn’t get these panic attacks. They make sleeping way too hard. I’d just go to bed early, but there are so many unknowns in my life.
I’d drink vodka to calm my nerves, but I’m still not over my mountain dew vomit fest with the vodka. I’d just like to move past my mourning period so that I can go back to wishing for a prince charming outside my window. I’m kinda bummed that B and her boy can do couple activities. I’m bummed that when I see her she’s tired. I’m just bummed. I don’t even know what causes my depression anymore. I just feel lonely and tired. I wish I could just do something to change how I feel. My sister moved out. She’s going to York University in Toronto. I get her room, which is bigger than mine but it’s weird. I might be jealous that her life is starting and mine seems like it’s on permanent hold. I just keep thinking about the job thing; I don’t want to have to deal with the rejection all over again. I can’t stand thinking about the heart-break of being told that my application will be put on file. Sigh.