Author: Diagonalist
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: SS/HP
Warnings: child abuse, depression, suicidal tendancies
Summary: Devoid of the will to live, Harry decides that it is simply time to end it all. Too bad for him that one of his professors had to come and screw it up.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. I am simply borrowing them; therefore, do not sue me.
Chapter 17: Telling
Harry left Snape's quarters as soon as he could without being really rude. He couldn't help feeling ashamed at breaking down like that, no matter what Snape had said. It was almost as though Snape cared about him! How was he supposed to deal with this? On the one hand it was good that someone did, it made him feel less alone, but on the other, it was so confusing that it was Snape, a professor who up till about a week ago had hated him with a passion. Why was it Snape who wanted to help? Why hadn't his friends seen how he really felt? Why hadn't Dumbledore? No, they were all too busy seeing what they wanted to believe.
Sylrissin decided to gift her enormous wisdom to Harry.
"You cannot be so close all the time. It is not good for you. That man you were just with, he has kept too many secrets, and it has made him cold and bitter. Though he is still soft underneath perhaps. But no one sees him as he is. Which has made him suffer. Do you want to end up like that, feeling dead inside?"
Harry wasn't sure if he didn't already feel dead inside.
"No, there is life in you yet, though it may be hard to reach. Make it easier for people to do so."
Harry wondered if Sylrissin could read his mind. He also wondered exactly how she was related to Serminysa. She laughed.
"Tell them, man-snake, tell them. Maybe it will lighten your heart, and make your way easier."
Did he really want them to know? Well, no, obviously not, that was why he hadn't told them. But Snape had said that he had to. And Sylrissin agreed. Maybe if he just eased into it gradually. Maybe if he stopped laughing at the jokes that just weren't funny and stopped talking about the stupid childish pranks that Ron so enjoyed. Maybe if he was himself.......
****************
It was Hermione who noticed the change. Why was Harry not surprised?
"Harry, are you sure you're alright? You've been awfully quiet you know."
That question again. It had to be the most overused inquiry ever. Now, how was he going to say this? And how much was he going to say?
"Well, it's just that. I mean, I never..."
No, that wouldn't work. Hang on, give them something to chew on for a minute while he worked things out.
"Sirius is dead."
Oh, now that had an interesting effect. Harry had never seen them so pale. Hermione looked like she was going to cry.
"Cor Blimey mate, are you alright?" said Ron, looking poleaxed.
Harry seemed to recall the exact same question had just been asked. Ron really was a million miles behind the rest of the conversation. However, it was a good opening.
"Not really. I mean, I was having these nightmares, and then I saw Sirius die in them. And then Remus sent me a letter telling me it was true. And I just....I miss him."
"Oh, Harry." Hermione hugged him. This was obviously his day for hugs. Starved of them for fifteen years, then lots all at once. Two in a day. Her face turned serious. "Harry, you have to tell Dumbledore."
"Yeah," Harry was listening to Sylrissin telling him that she though he was doing the right thing by confiding in others. He didn't really notice exactly what he was saying to his friends. "It's okay, I told him weeks ago."
The others froze. What had he said? What had he said? He couldn't remember what he had said. Damn! This whole idea of talking to people anyway was stupid anyway.
This time it was Ron who spoke. And he sounded completely outraged. "You've known for weeks! And you didn't tell us before now? Harry we're your best friends, why didn't you tell us?" He was practically red in the face.
Oh no. This is not good.
"Dumbledore said I shouldn't tell anyone, because Professor Lupin's safety depends on it." That was such a lame excuse. If anything, it served to further inflame Ron.
"Are you saying that you don't trust us Harry. We would never have told anyone. We wouldn't have betrayed you! What kind of friends do you think we are?"
Okay. Okay. Be himself. Time for truth. See if truth works. After that, Harry decided he would give up.
"It wasn't that. It was just that....I missed him so much. And it was hard, to know that he was dead. I couldn't talk about it, I couldn't even think about it. He was the closest thing to a relative I had, and I had hoped that one day, when his name was cleared, he'd take me to live with him, and I'd have family, a real family. But now he's gone, and he's never coming back."
It had cost him a lot to say that. An awful lot. Harry could feel tears pressing against his eyes by the end, but he kept them in. Hermione had no such restraint, and was crying again. She gave him another hug. That was three.
Ron was still looking at him slightly sceptically. "Right, but I still think you should have told us before Harry. It's not right to keep secrets from us."
Harry wondered how Ron would feel about the rest of the secrets he was hiding then. He couldn't help but be angry that Ron's reaction to Harry baring his soul was faint distrust and a reprimand for not telling them sooner.
Still, he had told them. He wasn't sure if he felt any better, but at least now they wouldn't expect him to be laughing all the time. Which was a good thing, right?
****************
After another sleepless night, he somehow made it through the day. Then McGonagall stopped him again, after his last class. This time he was invited up to her office. He hadn't even known that she'd had an office, but he definitely wasn't pleased to be going there.
He was given a cup of tea. Now he was worried.
"Harry, your friends came to see me last night. They are concerned about you."
Anger began smouldering in him again. It was becoming a common emotion in relation to Ron he found. And Ron had said that they would never betray him. But that's exactly what he saw this as.
"They said that you were having some troubles and were feeling a little under the weather. Do you want to talk about it?"
Harry suddenly got a feeling that she was having this chat with him to assuage her own guilt for not noticing anything was wrong. And no, he most certainly did not want to talk about it. Not with her. She didn't even know about his Godfather. If Harry told her Sirius was dead she would probably rejoice. Which would only hurt him more.
"No," he said, perfectly calmly, "It's fine now. I talked it over with them and got everything sorted out. Thank you for asking though."
McGonagall looked as though she was uncertain whether or not to let him get away with that.
"But Ron and Hermione seemed to feel that you hadn't told them everything and that you were acting very strangely."
At that moment Harry hated his friends. Absolutely hated them. There was not a shred of sympathy for them anywhere in his body.
"No, really it's fine. I'll talk to them again, but I was sure I explained everything. They must have been confused."
The professor sighed. "I still don't understand what this is all about."
Harry gave her a blinding smile. Being himself would have to be temporarily suspended. Possibly permanently, if this was what the reactions were like.
"Well you see," he whispered conspiratorially, "Ron has a crush on Hermione. And he thought I did too. So he's been avoiding me. But I don't. And it's really all sorted out now."
That ought to confound her.
"I see." she said, letting him go with a puzzled look plastered on her face. But she didn't see. That was the problem. They were all blind.
****************
So, Ron and Hermione couldn't be trusted. They were worried about him, yes, but they showed it in the worst possible ways, ways that hurt him further. He could no longer confide in them. He definitely couldn't tell them about the rest of his Christmas.
Harry wandered off round the side of the castle, being outside in the cold helped to clear his thoughts. He sat down with his back against the ancient Hogwart's wall, and stared down at the quidditch pitch.
He wasn't sure if he could go back to being just Potter now anyway, besides the fact that Snape and Sylrissin would never let him. Now that Ron and Hermione had seen a glimpse of Harry they would no longer feel the same way about Potter anyway, so the pretence became useless. No, he would have to remain as Harry.
Snape had suggested that he find friends that could deal with the real him. But who else was there? Ron had been with him from the beginning. He had been the first person to ever want to be Harry's friend. There was no one in Gryffindor who would really understand anyway. They all shared the same traits. Courage, outspokenness, and a firm belief in what was right. Harry wasn't sure if he had any of those things any more. After all, he wasn't supposed to be in Gryffindor in the first place. He was meant to be a Slytherin. And Gryffindors hated Slytherins.
So if his true self was a Slytherin, then of course all of the Gryffindors would hate him.
Harry's musing was interrupted by a shadow falling over him. Malfoy. He really didn't feel up to verbal sparring right now.
"What are you doing out here then Potter? Have your brave little friends abandoned you? Or are you running away from the fans?"
That sounded similar to something Snape had once said. Or maybe it had been in a dream. Harry couldn't tell anymore. He didn't bother mentioning that Malfoy's sidekicks weren't present either. He didn't bother speaking at all. He didn't have to, he was Harry.
"Are you sulking because the Mudblood likes the Weasel more than she does you. Heard she's going out with him."
Harry hadn't heard that. And they accused him of keeping secrets. It looked as though what he'd told McGonagall was true after all. He didn't really care if they were together. He didn't really care about them at all. He began to feel guilty about not feeling guilty that he didn't care.
"I just wanted to think." he finally said. Malfoy looked taken aback. Then Harry sensed the other boy composing another cruel remark. "What are you doing here?"
That stumped Malfoy. he obviously didn't have an answer. So carried on with his comments.
"You came out here because your all alone. Poor little Harry Potter, no one cares about him. He has no parents. He has no friends. He has nobody."
That was coming far too close. It was scary that even in mean jest Malfoy could get closer to his heart than Ron and Hermione had. Maybe it was because he was a Slytherin. Harry looked at him in new interest.
"Yes." he said. With no self pity.
Malfoy stared at him for a long time, as though debating what to say next.
"I wanted to think too." he said. And sat down.
They didn't talk anymore, they just stayed there in companionable silence until the sun had gone down and they had definitely missed dinner. They went inside only to avoid the possibility of search parties being sent out.
****************
Dumbledore found him walking the corridors, trying to put off going back to the Gryffindor tower for as long as possible.
They went back to his office. Harry was getting tired of being invited into professor's offices. He wondered if the headmaster would give him a hug.
He was given a lemon drop. The headmaster wouldn't take no for an answer.
"Now Harry, I called you up here to tell you about what has happened to your relatives."
Harry's head shot up. His relatives! What about his relatives? What had happened to them? He began to get a bad feeling. What had Dumbledore done to them?
"You will not have to go back to the Dursley's again, Harry. They have all been taken to a special wizarding prison and will never hurt you again."
Dumbledore seemed to expect him to be happy at this news. And he was, that he wouldn't have to go back there. But prison! He hadn't wanted anything like that. Be yourself, tell the truth.
"But I didn't want anything like that to happen to them, sir. I mean, they didn't really deserve to go to prison did they?" he said, looking earnestly up at the headmaster.
Dumbledore sighed. "Harry, you are too good. Your Uncle was abusing you, your aunt was starving you and your cousin also caused you bodily harm I believe. Such treatment of a wizard could not go unpunished."
Harry nodded distantly. Of course. He understood. They had hurt a wizard. They had hurt Harry Potter. Of course Dumbledore was upset with them. He wondered bitterly if the man would have even cared if he hadn't been famous. He knew that it was wrong to think that. But that was what Harry thought. That was the way Harry thought.
"I understand sir."
Dumbledore looked relieved. He talked to Harry for a little while about his schoolwork, and the fact that he had a pet snake. He asked Harry not to make it common knowledge, but otherwise didn't have a problem with Sylrissin. Harry thought he might have had a problem with her if she didn't belong to Harry Potter. He left.
Harry wondered if the headmaster had expected thanks for what he had done. Dumbledore preferred Potter over Harry too then. No one seemed to know how to deal with Harry. No one but Snape. And Sylrissin. She understood him.
He carried on walking the passageways round the castle by himself, hoping that his friends would be asleep by the time he had worked himself up to going back. Sylrissin didn't like his plan. She wanted to sleep now, and complained that she couldn't while being jolted about so. He threatened to dump her on the floor so that she could find her own way back. She stopped speaking to him. He put her in his pocket, and tried to walk more smoothly.
TBC
