randomness
I LIKE BUNNIES!!!

...that is all.

email forwarded to me from kris
Mood:  party time!
i am NOT crazy! gabby was a real person, and so is kris,
and so is everyone else that lyn thinks aren't real.
kris forwarded me this email that jason sent her.
it confirms to me that I AM NOT CRAZY.

"And the thing about Gabby, there was more to it than I told you
before. Sorry, but I didn't want to affect your response.

I saw her, about two, maybe three weeks ago. Shortly before I wrote
you the first message, but after the event I told you about with Kara
(Caitlin; she picked out the name) and Spunky. We were out on the
quad working on magic, specifically clearing out anything that might
get in the way of her using it without her knowing it. She had
willfully forgotten several nasty things in her life, and she
needed to remember them before we went any further. And while we were
working on that, after she had finished everything, she told me
something. When I had showed her the divine a week before, when I was
introducing her to magic, she had met Gabby. And she had promised
Gabby that she would give me something. I can't really describe what
it was, but she gave it to me. It was sort of a reminder of something
I promised Gabby, and of something Gabby once told me. But more than
that, Gabby had stayed in her for that week, and as soon as Kara gave
it to me, Gabby came out. She stayed to make sure Kara gave it to me,
and had been pushing all week, so when Kara finally caved in Gabby
took the chance to talk to me. And it was her, no one else feels
like she does. And she told me... that Kara is her, after Marian,
after the next and the next, several lives down the line. And I knew
it was true... it explained so much about why I was so comfortable
around Kara. About how we seemed to already know so much about each
other. Not only that, she told me several things about YOU and about
herself and our time together that I know there's no way Kara could
have known. So the real reason I asked you about Gabby in that
first email was that I wanted confirmation. I wanted some kind of
confirmation that I'm not crazy, that I'm not imagining this. I
really do feel a part of Gabby in Kara. And I thought maybe you'd
know. I promised Gabby before she left that I'd find her again... and
I think I have."

yeah
lyn is going to try to find the guy that molested me when i was seven.
it'll be difficult because i don't know his name.

yeah...
Mood:  happy
my mom sent me this today and it's sweet so i feel like posting it.

And even though I'm not around to pick you up the times you're down
You know I think about you each and every day
And though I feel a love for you that's always growing, always new
The things I'm quick to feel I'm sometimes slow to say
And so I lay awake at night and worry, are you hungry, are you warm?
For there's nothing in this world too good for you
And then I turn around and make a list of things that you can't have
I only hope my good intentions still show through
You know the ones who love you expect the most from you

Once I held a perfect baby, you slept soundly in my arms
Now a woman is awakening in you
And I'll probably be jealous when your first love comes along
I guess that calls for extra understanding too
We'll order up a cup of tolerance for two
You know the ones who love you expect the most from you


k well i have a girlfriend now, her name's dyanna and we made out last night. i'd post more about it but i have some homophobic asshole kids hovering around me, i'm at the library.

*sigh*
Mood:  don't ask
*sigh* i'm moving in with lyn next week... we're going to have to figure out something about sleeping arrangements... because i know if i sleep in a bed with her,... well... that's just a bad idea, considering the fact that i really want to fuck her. and i can't. bailey took back the dumping thing because she was drunk when she said it. so they're still together. so... yeah... i can't do that. no matter how much i want to. and then of course, i'm still not over amanda. and i don't know why, but it's hurting more and more lately that i can't be with her. *sigh* i don't know... i'm a pathetic loser. even if i get a girlfriend, ever, i bet she'll leave me, just like amanda did. i just can't see myself being monogamous. even while i was with tiffany, i know i wasn't monogamous... of course... i don't remember much of that part of my life... i blacked out at least once a week from the alcohol. according to tiffany, i slept with at least six different guys and four girls, none of which i remember. now, how sad is that? still. if i find another girl who's into polygamy, it'll be a fuckin miracle. i found one... but she's taken, and i doubt i'll ever find another one.

*SCREAMS AT THE FUCKIN SKY*
Mood:  don't ask
jesus fucking christ...
lyn had a miscarriage and then bailey dumped her and i want to be there with her so badly to comfort her and tell her everything's going to be alright... but i'd feel like i was lying to her if i told her that, because i don't know if everything is going to be alright... i want everything to be alright, but if i told her that and then everything isn't alright, i'd feel like i'd broken a promise to her. i'd give anything to be with her right now, because i know that at this very minute, she's bawling her eyes out because bailey dumped her and she's probably still upset about the miscarriage, and i don't blame her at all for crying her eyes out. but she shouldn't have to be all alone tonight. i know that after i had a miscarriage, i put a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. lyn's terrified of guns, so she won't do that... but there are tons of other ways to kill yourself... and having a miscarriage and being dumped on the same day has got to be one of the most emotionally scarring things that can ever happen to anyone. and i don't know what i'll do if i lose lyn. *sigh* the thing is, i like bailey. i like her a lot. but she is, without a doubt, being the biggest horse's ass in the universe right now. who would dump their lover the same day that they had a miscarriage? i mean, FUCK. *grumble* i'm going to go beat on a tree with my fists now, pretending that it's bailey.

wow
Mood:  spacey
i'm unbelieveably slow. the other day i spent the night with lyn and bailey at lyn's house and i realized for the first time that bailey is fuckin hot as hell. especially when she took her shirt off... *drool* we all cuddled half-naked the other night, except for lyn, who was totally naked. and i woke up and i was holding bailey and that made me so fuckin horny that for the first time in my life, i wanted to fuck someone who i'm not in love with. yeah. i wanted to fuck bailey. holding her while we were both shirtless was great. and before we fell asleep that night, i started laughing because i was thinking that cuddling with them half-naked is how my threesome dream with them started. but i wouldn't tell them why i was laughing so they tickled me and twisted my nipples until i did tell them. and bailey did it just right that it made me get off. which didn't help the horny thing. now i want a threesome with them even more than i did before. GRAAAAHH! i don't know if they want one though, and i can't make them. plus, it's been so long since i've been with a girl... so whenever i do get with a girl, it'll almost be like my first time with a girl simply because it's been so long. and... i don't really want to have to explain my scars to bailey. lyn already knows about them, i even told her about the most noticeable one, but i don't know bailey even half as well as i know lyn. quite simply, i don't really look like other girls down there anymore. not since what happened when i was 16. and it makes me self-conscious. frankly, i don't want very many people to see me naked because of it. i'd definitely never let anyone take naked pictures of me. lyn says she saw me naked the other day but i was sick and i don't remember. if she did... *rubs back of neck* then i'll never be able to look her in the eye again. or... at least not for awhile... *SIGH* imma go now.

one more minute
Mood:  incredulous
well i heard that you're leavin
(leavin)
gonna leave me far behind
(so far behind)
cuz you found a brand new lover
you decided that i'm not your kind
(aahh)

so i pulled
(i pulled)
your name out
(name out)
of my rolodex
(oohh)
and i tore all your pictures in two
and i burned down the malt shop
where we used to go
just because it reminds me of you

that's right
(that's right)
you ain't gonna see me cryin
i'm glad
(i'm glad)
that you found somebody new
cuz i'd rather spend eternity
eating shards of broken glass
than spend one more minute with you

i guess i might seem kinda bitter
you got me feeling down in the dumps
cuz i'm stranded all alone
in the gas station of love
and i have to use the self-service pumps

oh
so honey
let me help you
with that suitcase
you ain't
(you ain't)
gonna break my heart in two
cuz i'd rather
get a hundred thousand paper cuts
on my face
than spend one more minute with you

i'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork
than watch you going out with other men
i'd rather slam my fingers in a door
(yah)
again and again and again and again and again

oh
can't you see what i'm tryin to say
darlin

i'd rather have my blood
sucked out by leeches
(leeches)
shove an icepick under a toenail
or two
i'd rather clean
all the bathrooms in grand central station
with my tongue
than spend one more minute with you

yes i'd rather jump naked
on a huge pile of thumbtacks
or stick my nostrils
together with crazy glue
i'd rather dive into a swimming pool
filled with double-edged razor blades
than spend one more minute with you

i'd rather rip my heart right out of my ribcage with my bare hands
and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it till i die
than spend one more minute with you

*grumble*
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: winterborn
i'm pissed off at myself. lyn doesn't want to even try being with me because she doesn't want to ruin our friendship. so even if she and bailey break up for good, i'll still be girlfriendless and miserably horny. *sigh* and i've finally given up on amanda. i don't even want to think about her anymore. fuck her to hell and leave her there. seriously. and i want to be with lyn but i can't, goddamnit. i had a dream about her last night. and now i just can't get it out of my head. and i know it's wrong for me to feel this way about her because she's taken... but i can't help it... *grumble* i'm fuckin pissed at myself. my walls all crumbled and i rebuilt them but i have a feeling they're all just going to crumble again. i want to be with lyn more than i've wanted anything in a very very very long time. *slaps self* but i CAN'T! *covers face with hands* i am unbelievably fuckin pathetic.

*sigh*
Mood:  down
Now Playing: can you see me now
so i rode my bike and ended up at lyn's yesterday. i didn't even mean to. i just wanted to get away from everything. *shakes head* i can't believe what she told me though... jason knows where tiffany is and he's not telling me because he's an asshole. and lately i've been very irritable and i just want to hurt someone. badly. until they bleed to death. but i can't. i couldn't hurt someone if i wanted to, unless my own life was in danger. goddamnit, i wanted to say something to lyn while i was there but i'm too chicken shit and i know that it's wrong and that once i say it i'll have to stop hanging around her. and i don't want that, but i do feel like i need to say it. if i hold it in it'll just come out at a very bad time and i don't want that. *sigh* i'm a fuckin pathetic loser. i think i'm going to seriously give up looking for a girlfriend. i'll get a damned vibrator or something. love hurts too much and i always hurt the people i love. someone shoot me in the head, please, before i hurt lyn. i don't want to hurt her. and i know that i will. so someone please find me and shoot me. i'm getting too close to her and all my walls are beginning to go down and that's bad because i'm such an emotional person. i tried so hard not to fall in love with her, but goddamn me to hell, i couldn't help it. *sigh* but i know that if i say it, there's no going back. and i can't be with her. i can't. i won't break her and bailey up, no matter how much i may want to. lyn deserves so much better than bailey. not saying that i'm what she deserves... she deserves better than me, too. hell, everyone in the world deserves better than me... i mean... i'm a fuckin bitch. *sigh* so yeah... i'm fuckin depressing myself by hanging around her... like i did with amanda. *shakes head* i'm going to have to do some serious meditating over the next few days, get those damn walls back up. *sigh* i'm fuckin pathetic.