Confuse your roommate Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again." Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading." Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...." Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer." If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..." Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?" Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn." Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere." Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong." Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?" Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray." Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back." Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now." Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?" Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players." Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer." Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted." Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessionsimmediately. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor). Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that." Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!" Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done." Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!") Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...." Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh! Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...." Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be." Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drinkers Troubleshooting Guide Symptom :Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet. Fault :Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution :Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom :Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and clear. Fault :Glass is empty. Solution :Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom :Feet cold and wet. Fault :Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution :Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom :Feet warm and wet. Fault :Loss of self-control. Solution :Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom :Lap cool and wet. Fault :Drooling on yourself. Solution :Change position so that you are drooling on someone else. Symptom :Bar blurred. Fault :You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution :Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom :Bar moving. Fault :You are being carried out. Solution :Find out if you are being taken to another bar.If not complain loudly that youare being hijacked. Symptom :Bar looks like a circus. Fault :You're at a circus. Solution :Go to a bar. Symptom :The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault :You have fallen over backwards. Solution :If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put.If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom :Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and cigarette butts. Fault :You have fallen over forwards. Solution :Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom :Everything has gone dim. Fault :The pub is closing. Solution :PANIC!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Soap Saga A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will followyour instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.Take this gun and kill her. The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife! Well, "said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then. So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun."We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her. The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes."I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot mywife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job. "No, the CIA man replied. "You don't have what it takes.Take your wife and go the hell home. Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him. The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, for 13 shots. Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman....... She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Landlord Letters The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOW TO BATHE A CAT a. Thoroughly clean the toilet. b. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water -- a strong industrial solvent often works best -- and lift both lids. c. Pick up the cat and soothe him as you carry him toward the bathroom. d. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids (someone may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape) e. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective. f. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people or other obstacles between the toilet and the outdoors. g. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. h. The cat, now exceedingly clean, will rocket out of the house at warp speed. Sincerely yours, the Dog. ------------------------------------------------ Car Stickers Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. So you're a feminist....Isn't that cute! I need someone really bad... are you really bad? I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now. Prevent inbreeding: ban country music. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition Montana -- At least our cows are sane! God must love stupid people, he made so many. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will, I want to be in it! It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Always remember, you're unique, just like everyone else. Ted Kennedy has killed more people with his car than I've killed with my gun. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news! "As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was. --------------------------------------------------------- A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. ------------------------------------------------------ A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: "I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please." The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill. All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead. The barman rushed over and said: "Argh!! You just shot my friend!!!" The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?" "Of Course I do," the barman answered, "you're a Panda!" "Good," the Panda replied, "now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar. The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition... PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves. ------------------------------------------------------- Top reasons to be American You can have a woman president without electing her You can spell colour wrong and get away with it You can call Budweiser beer You can be a crook and still be president If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything If you can breathe you can get a gun You can invent a new public holiday every year You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care. You get to call everyone you've never met buddy You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. When you're not at all. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...... 5. Ask if you can see his gun. 6. Touch him. 7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 9. Refer to him by his first name. 10. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 11. When he says no, cry. 12. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 13. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 14. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. 15. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 16. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 17. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. 18. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 19. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 20. Trip and fall into him. 21. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 22. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 23. Chew on the pen, nervously. 24. Clean your ear with the pen. 25. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar..... 27. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 28. Act like you are retarded. 29. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 30. Mumble to yourself. 31. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 32. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight....... 33. Ask if they know how to make the donuts. 34. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 35. Ask if he watches Cops. 36. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. 37. Giggle if he did. 38. Talk to your hand. 39. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 40. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. 41. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. 42. Try to sell him your car. 43. Ask if you can buy his car. 44. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. 45. Play with the siren. 46. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. 47. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. 48. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. 49. Turn your head and whistle. 50. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. 51. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 52. Tell him you like men in uniform. 53. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked "Are we over the border yet?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- July 2, 2001 Re: Letter Of Reference To: John Doe To Whom It May Concern: Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Received a short time later: July 2, 2001 Re: Letter Of Reference To: John Doe Mr. Doe: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter I sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every other line. (it reads; Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be executed as soon as possible.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (More than once but less than 10) 2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold) 3. Add 5. (for Sunday) 4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the calculator... 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1752... If you haven't, add 1751... 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number .... The first digit of this was your original number (ie, how many times you would like to have chocolate each week). The next two numbers are ... YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!) THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2002) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Helicopter Flight School Judi, a natural blonde,went to a helicopter flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he ouldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator ..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shower Like a MAN Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff. Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one) Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. Wash your privates and surrounding area. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner) Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee (in the shower) Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partial dry off. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom and fan light on. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go Yeah baby and thrust your pelvis at her. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Shower Like a WOMAN Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Computers must be Femal A better model is always just around the corner. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. It is always necessary to have a backup. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. The lights are on but nobody's home. Big power surges knock them out for the night. Size does matter --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, Why is the bride dressed in white? Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life, her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, So why is the groom wearing black? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Blonde 1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde 2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? Because he didn't want them shiting in the streets during parades ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Their was a blonde , brunette and a redhead , and they all went to try and get a job with the council painting the white lines on the road . The interviewer decided they were all good for the job and to decide who would get the job he put them all on a 3 day trial , whoever painted the most lines got the job. After the 1st day , the blonde came back and had painted 100 miles Brilliant the interviewer said , the brunette and the redhead both said they had done just 40 miles each . The next day the blonde comes back and says she has done 50 miles Not as good as yesterday , but still very good , carry on like this and you may get the job The brunnete and redhead again have only done 40 miles . The third day the blonde comes back and says she has done 25 miles What happened? , you started so well said the interviewer , well the paint pot kept getting further and further away !! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In a second grade class, a little girl asks, Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant? How old is your mother, dear? asks the teacher. Forty. Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant. The little girl then asks, Can my big sister get pregnant? Well, dear, how old is your sister? The little girl answers, Nineteen. Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant. The little girl then asks, Can I get pregnant? How old are you, dear? The little girl answers, I'm seven years old. No, dear, you can't get pregnant... Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, See, I told you we had nothing to worry about. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from California to Hawaii. The genie thought for a few minutes and said, No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask. The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick? The genie considered for a few minutes and said, So was that a two lane road or four? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog was called mypenis... Mypenis ate my homework. Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth! Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash. Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. I love giving Mypenis a bath. At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands. Mypenis likes it when people pet him. Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds! me(Rob) Playing with Mypenis really wears me out. Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis? Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active. I think Mypenis has a mind of its own. I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet. Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction. I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead. Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door. If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry. Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys. Help! I can't find Mypenis! Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis. Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes. Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital. Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Christmas trees are better than women A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do if a woman runs out of the kitchen screaming at you ? Shorten her chain! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He was driving his partner nuts, as he looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind direction and speed. Finally, his exasperated partner said, What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball! The guy answers, My wife's up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot. His partner mumbled, Forget it, man, you ll never hit her from here! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This fellow's wife was very flat chested. He came home from work one day and to his utter amazement, there was his wife with a pair of 44 breasts. He said, My gosh, Martha, what happened? She said Honey, I was making myself look all pretty for you and I was looking in the mirror behind the door, and I said to it, 'Mirror, mirror behind the door, make my tits size 44', and BOOM, look at the size of these suckers! The fellow was just overwhelmed. He ran upstairs, jumped into the shower, combed his hair, stood there looking at himself and his little thing hanging there. He said to the mirror, Mirror, mirror behind the door, make my dick touch the floor," and BOOM! His legs fell off. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recording - Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the voices will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when Bubba falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. Billy Bob. whips out his cell phone and calls 9-1-1. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot rings out. Willie's voice comes back on the line. "OK, now what?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight. Artery......................... The study of paintings. Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section............... A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................... A sheep dog. Coma........................... A punctuation mark. D&C............................ Where Washington is. Dilate......................... To live long. Enema.......................... Not a friend. Fester......................... Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................... A small lie. Genital........................ Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball. Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................... A higher offer. Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates. Node........................... I knew it. Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test. Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative................. A letter carrier. Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery. Rectum......................... Darn near killed him. Secretion...................... Hiding something. Seizure........................ Roman emperor. Tablet......................... A small table. Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................... One plus one more. Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out. Varicose....................... Near by/close by ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist: "Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex." The confused artist said: "But you're not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "But if I die before my husband, I'm sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
My Favorite Web Sites
A place to go if your bored
Free virtual pet website
Easy to find everything I need
A good place for anime freaks or if you like to read
A good site if your bored
