I never thought I would ever cry like this. Fiona broke up with me today and said that she never wanted to see me or speak to me ever again. She promised she Would never break up with me, but i guess all girls are like that. No one really cares, they just want to have someone who they can call their boyfriend. i've been hurt once before that really sticks out n my mind, but Fiona made me forget about it. i moved on completely and built up a world of hopes and dreams that i wanted to fulfil with Fiona. but today she said that she didn't want any part of it. i keep thinking back about all of the times when had. When i called her the day after Halloween, and then she actually spoke to me. i wanted to learn everyhting about her. i don't know what made me trust her so much, but i wanted to be her boyfriend. she told me about all the pain that she went through, and i wanted to be the one to take all the pain away. then i looked for her on the day we went back to school after that. i saw her and said 'hi.' then i asked her if she had to work and she nodded her head. so i said 'okay.' then i waited around by her for a while, but she didn't really see interested so i just walked away, and decided to wait till after-school which was when we had originally planned to meet. i saw her walking around school but i didn't want to talk to her because i thought that she was busy or that she was on her way to go do more work. then after school i waited where she said to, and she didn't show up. so i went to go luck for her, but i had no luck. then i went back and just hoped that she would at least walk by. But then she did, and didn't even say anything to me. She said to my friends, but she didn't even speak a word to me until i called out to her. and then she just told me to come. Then i followed her silently cuz she wasn't talking. Then she asked me if i was panty-man, and she asked if i was a druggy. then we walked down the stairs cuz she had to go to the weight-room for cheerleading and then she stopped at the bottom of the stairs and hugged me. My heart was racing because she's the most beautiful person that i've ever met. I've told her that a few times, but she doesn't believe me. then she said that she had to go, so i asked if i could call her that night and she nodded her head. Then i remember java jam. i waited for her to finish practice, because i only wanted to go to be with her. i remember standing with her in my arms and then we sat on the floor and she sat between my legs and she kept playing with my hands. i gave her a poem after that, and later found out that she liked that one the most out of all the poems that i've written. i remember the first time we kissed. i was walking her to wrestling practice, and she asked me if she could kiss me so i nodded my head and leaned in to kiss her. i remember feeling a fire that i never felt before. That made it hurt so much when she told me that she used to hate the way i kissed because it wasn't the same way that hernan did. but i still remember the day that she asked me to be her boyfriend. she asked me if i trust her, and i said yes. then she said that i make her happy, and i said 'that's good, cuz that's what i wanted to do.' the she asked me to be her boyfriend, and i gladly accepted. i had been waiting for that day for a long time. longer than she knows, because she doesn't know that i looked for her every day since i met her and that was why i always used to walk around school duing lunch and break. ever since the day that i met her, i had liked her, partly because of a dream that i had, but mostly because she made me feel so happy. the day i met her, her voice was so kind, and it made me feel warm inside. I used to look for her even when i was still going out with Puanani. i remember that we went with each other to pearlridge before we went out, and we saw 'scary movie 3' and we walked to jamba juice, and then when we were walking back, my pants were falling down cuz i didn't have a belt, then started laughing and i asked why and said i had a false crack and then i started laughing too. i remember our little spot at pearlrigde where we sat and talked for about an hour or two. i remember how hurt i was when my dad wouldn't let me see her on christmas day. She got mad at me for being sad, but i guess she never understood just how much she meant to me. She means more to me than anyone. i also remember fixing my watch so that it had the right time and i checked it on new year's eve with my brother's atomic watch, so that i would now exactly when the new year began. it was the first new year's eve that i'd get to spend with someone. I was so glad that it was her. I remember kissing her just as the clock turned. we had fought earlier in the day, but it didn't matter to me. all that mattered was that i was with her, and we were starting the new year off together. then a few days after the new year, i remember telling her that i love her for the first time. i wanted to tell her in person, but i felt that i should tell her, just in case something bad happened and i never got the chance. i had to tell her. then i remember the day that she told me that she loved me. it was as unexpected as she wanted it to be. i felt my heart racing and i wanted to hug her and kiss her, but she was in her uniform and i didn't want to get her in trouble. then i remember we fought one day. it started in the morning when i yelled at her and didn't realize it. and then i tried to talk to her all day but she just ignored me. i didn't know what to do, or what i had done. but the after school she finally talked to me. and then it seemed like she was about to break up with me, but then i made her laugh, and smile like she said that i couldn't do. then she started kissing me, and she said taht she was sorry, and started hugging and kissing me. then the friday after that, we were spending time together until she had to go to cheer at the basketball game. We had only been 'sexual' a few times before that, but then she started seeming really into it. She got me really into it too. then she wanted to suck my dick a little before she had to leave but there was no where that was private enough. then after the basketball game, i remember that i wanted to spend time with her, so she called her mom and asked her to pick her up late. Then she got me back in the mood by just sliding her hand down my pants. then we went looking for a place to be alone. We had tried a few places, but the we ended up behind a portable, and then she started sucking on my dick, and i must admit, it's a very very good feeling. then she asked me if i wanted to have sex, so i asked if she wanted to. and then we did. i put the condom on and i picked her up and she slid down my dick. she said it hurt and i asked if she didn't want to do it anymore and she said no and just started riding me, so i held her tighter and started slamming her. she started crying, but i remembered that she said she liked that kind of pain, so i kept going and then i put her against the wall, and started having sex with her like that. Then she wanted to lie down and finish up. so she lied down and i put on another condom because the first one fell off, cuz it broke. then i sled into her and she started crying again, but i kept going, but i was so scaredand it ended up that i couldn't control my jizz and then i shot. but then i ate her out and fingered her, and sucked on her boobs. then i choked on grass. and it cut my throat. then a week and a day later, she came over to my house, and we got to spend the night together. Words can't describe what happened. It was Valentine's day and the day after, and those times have yet to be beat. and i sttaywed withh her aeven wehn ew thwought shee wasd pregnant. i sdon't know what i did wronhg. i can't type anynmore cuz my arms are shaking too much. i'm going tio go to the basketball game and try to taolk to her, or at least give her a poem/letter. my arms won't stop bleeding, and i can't stop crying. she hurt me so bad, breaking her promises and leaving me all alone with nothing, and no one to turn to. i don't know how to describe how i feel right now, but i think that death would most definitely be better than this. If things aren't made right again, then i'm going to jump off the bridge at the front of moanalua valley. i thought i would never have to be hurt like this, and i thought that she really loved me. my words are probably all jumbled and probably not making sensese right now, but i don't give a fuck about anytthing anymore. my life is gonn. LOVE IS NOT SOMETHING THAT YOU SHOULD LIE, JOKE, OR PLAY AROUND WITH!!!!!!!!!! 
i don't know what's going to happen, but i jusst hope thhat we mke gt throuu this adn thath she really edos love me, and watne to be with me. maybe this is justt aa tesdt. ii hope thatt i'llk still eget to spend myt life with her.
I LOVE FIONA MUNOZ




Alex Knopf R.I.P.-- November 20, 2003 - April 17, 2004.
(the only days that i truly lived)