(Webmaster's Note: This was sent to me by a friend of mine who must remain anonymous. Having the secret to becoming a vampire is a heavy burden. Officially known only as Dr. Nosferachoo, 1st Advisor to Caine (or Sun-Visor), she will be happy to answer any and all questions you may have on all your vampire needs. Email her (subject line I wanna be a vampire). Questions and Answers will be posted in her new column Psycho Needy available only on my pages.)

Your child comes home late every night. It has developed a curious habit lately of listening to heavy metal rock music. It no longer pays you any attention. It seems preoccupied. It spends more and more of its time away from home. You suspect that your child is experimenting with drugs. What can a parent do?

Like millions of other American youths, your child has most likely joined a vampiric cult. Though you may be shocked when you realize the truth, it is important to bear in mind that all teenagers at one time or another join cults. It's something that most parents don't want to face or deal with, so they try to ignore it. Discussing Devil worship and vampirism with your child can be almost as awkward as trying to talk about sex.

Now that you run the risk of losing your child to a cult, how do you go about turning its interest back to the home and family? The answer is simple. Children tend to look elsewhere for things that are lacking in their own lives. If your youngster is attending rituals with strangers, it is because you are not providing what your child needs.

Vampiric cult ritual abuse should begin at home, with the family. While you and your spouse have been secretly worshipping Caine and Satan in the privacy of your bedroom, you should have been sharing this intimate ritual with your kids. Children want and need to be involved in abusive rituals to create bonds between other family members that are strong and lasting.
Now that you know what you need to do, where do you begin?

By and large, the main reason your children should worship the Devil or Caine is to help them develop Multiple Personality Disorders (MPDs). These are very special traits that most children need and most likely will not receive in school. The more you tear away at a child's self image, the stronger it becomes. A child can only develop healthy MPDs after experiencing years and years of cult abuse. Remember the first time your parents abused you during a ritual? Remember how good it felt? Mmmmmm.

Choosing the right time to speak with your child is very important. Probably the best time for a discussion is when your child urgently needs to use the restroom. Sit it down and tell it that it can take care of its needs after you have a little chat. Abruptly slap the child in the face and tell it that it will not be allowed to leave the house at night anymore. If the child puts up a fight, slap it harder. Do not allow the child to go to the bathroom until it agrees to your demands.

When it returns from the restroom, tell your child that it will be required to attend Vampiric cult rituals with the family beginning the following day after supper. Slap the child again and send it to bed.

Torture and pain release energy into the family circle and increase the spiritual power of the individuals. Rituals must be precisely completed as prescribed to prevent the wrath of Caine and his demons. The main reason for participation in rituals is to destroy self esteem and self confidence. Therefore, if anyone complains that the rituals make them feel bad, tell them that this is exactly how they are supposed to feel.

RITUAL: Sacrificing the Dog
As you and your children should already know, any dog that is truly loyal is a dog that must be sacrificed. Begin by petting your furry trusting friend and giving him some treats. Then have the youngest family member nail the dog's feet to the floor. Do not bind the snout of the dog. The dog must be allowed to sing about its pain. Each person then takes part in removing the dog's skin, taking care not to burst any main arteries. The dog must remain alive during the skinning. Once the dog has been skinned, twenty thick needles are inserted through its muscle tissue. The dog's urgent, strained cries are heavenly music to Caine's delicate ears.

After it has been tortured for a minimum of 90 minutes, throw the dog on the fire and do some serious chanting. When it stops breathing, the ritual is over. The family can now begin discussing what kind of dog they want next!

RITUAL: Beating the Hell Out of Each Other
This ritual is relatively simple. After donning black gowns and meditating for a few moments, the family simply tries to kill one another. In this ritual, anything is game. Individuals may use knives, sticks, bats, or anything they deem will be useful to them to adequately injure other family members. The only stipulation during this ritual is that each individual must yell "Caine is Lord" prior to delivering any cuts or blows.

After everyone has been cut up and beaten, any and all blood must be drained into a large aluminum bucket. Once the bucket is full, each person urinates into it. Thus endeth ritual!

Having Friends Over to Play
At this point, your children may complain that they are never allowed to have friends over. This is a good time to tell them that they can have a female friend over to join in tonight's ritual. Have your children tell the friend to arrive after dark. Prior to the girl's arrival, a small isolation pit should be dug in the back yard, out of the sight of neighbors. When the friend arrives, her tongue is severed and she is thrown into the pit. This ritual is ongoing, as the girl is slowly and methodically starved and tortured. Urine and blood saved from the prior ritual should be lightly sprinkled onto the girl each morning. All family members are invited to creatively abuse the girl at least once daily. Some families claim that after they get used to the new pet, they never even want another dog!

If you've performed these rituals correctly, your child will be permanently affected. The things your child should have learned are: (1) obedience, (2) the importance of listening to others, (3) respect for parents, (4) how to play a kazoo, and (5) the difference between right and wrong.

The next time you think about going out for dinner or to a movie, perform a vampiric ritual instead. You'll not only save your family'll save their souls as well.
1995 LMNOP / Revised for those vampires of the world.

(2nd Webmaster's note: Please take the above in the spirit it was written in and do NOT try this at home. Thank you.)