| My dog ate my uniform. Honest. | ||
| Errrr...look over there a minute! 1...2...3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10. BYE!!! | ||
| Please note forra followin' 'skoos forrah not bein' on patrol on the Morning ovva 13th. I was attemptin' some finkin' anna it urt so much that I fort thatta I'd bettah not turn up in case I gave any noo recruits this bad idea ov "mental processes" Please don't tell mistah Detritus coz I get my goolahoog head kicked in. | I was not on Duty today as when I was walking along Gods Street a large flying saucer shape thing descended from the sky and sucked me up, At first I thought it was the wizards and was going to complain when a small ape like thing that looks uncannily looked like Corporal Nobbs, said to me "are you the nobby one?" I shook my head bewilderedly as they deposited me down to the earth again, I could here them as they flew away saying "We must find the Nobby One he is the destiny of our planet..." strange huh? | |
| I had a touch of the plague, but don't worry I've gotten over the worst of it. | ||
| I had to restrain from pursuing militia-like traffic duty activity due to the lossage of my enforcement tools. I was then informed by a dwarf that I would find them again once I had taken my gloves off, but you can't trust 'em shifty buggers now, can ya? | ||
| Got sunburnt (& stoopid) | ||
| Sorry too report anuvver mised patrol Sah! Recoverin' from effects of checkin' forrah white pwdah that coud 'ave been Slab Sah! It was Sah! Ohmigod - It's comin' on again! Aaaarrrrgggghhh! The Legs! The Legs! Hel...weebleweeblesculp | ||
| Someone had cut my feet off and I couldn't walk! | ||
| errr...i...had the...leprusy thing...its going around you know...everyone in the city has had it...but its very hard to tell if you have it...so how much gets deducted from my wages again? | ||
| WOMENS PROBLEMS OK!!!DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT??? | ||
| Well, I'm on duty! A troll asked me to be his bodyguard and we are just having a beer here in this bar. Where the troll is? Uh, he has just gone to the toilet... Really! | ||
| You see, it's like this sir, I was on my way to deliver the contraban to the watchhouse, when the Patrician shows up at my side with a note for the Commander that he says I'm to take to him direct. I head off directly, only to find he isn't in his office. About that time, the pile of reports to be filed falls over on me. In the process, I loose the note from the Patrician in the pile. So, you see, I wasn't rummaging through your desk, I figured the note might have fallen into one of the drawers, and I was diverted from delivering this Slab to confiscations sir, honestly! | ||
| Grandmother's funeral sir. Sir? No, I haven't been speaking to Nobby recently, sir. Ah, no sir, the other grandmother. She had? Nono,I meant the one with the teeth, sir. Her too? No wait, it was old Mrs B'had'Huz sir. Sir? Dwarfs have diffuse families sir; It's a dwarf thing. | ||
| Id have loved to turn up but the guy on tv said to stay tuned | ||
| Im afraid I couldnt do it Theres a disturbance in the force ....not buying this are you. Would you believe my patent is pending?...No ..oh. eeerrrr Ah ...you want the other Marko yrh Im Marko eerr Jones no wait Smith yeh ..still not buying it are you ..Look behind you! (Sound of horse starting outside) | ||
| I saw this old friend, only it turns out it wasn't anyone I knew, so.... well.... we know each other now and all it would've been rude to just leave........ | ||
| I was savagely attacked by a turnip which was lying near to a dwarf (don't know if this had anything to do with it)! | ||
| Like I told the judge, if I knew she was a statue, I wouldn't have raped her! | ||
| Well it's like this old sport! With the decreacing tempratures, my IQ seems to be rising-wotwot. What with the silicate brain and all, It seems bally inconvient in winter. So what it is old sport, it's that I sat down with a rather intruiging mathematical equation y'see, and after the sudden rise in the jolly ol' temps again, my brain couldn't cope y'see. Hope that wraps it up old chap! | ||
| I was just wandering along in the shades (I am a troll) when suddenly a man jumped out at waving a swamp dragon obviously I had to subdue him and this took a matter of seconds. Then I had to straighten him out again which took even longer! 'Onest Guv! | ||
| Isn't Mr. Vimes a prat? I hate him sooo much.Hehehe.Hic. 'M sorry, I had a bi' tooo mush ta drink.... hahaha- you've got a big nose.Hic! | ||
| Well...to make a long story short. I ran into a troll on my way to the watch house (literally) and have been dead all this morning. I'm still not feeling my best. Do you suppose I could take the rest of the week off? | ||
| I feel in the Ankh and got stuck. COuldn't get out but then a miracle happened and the ankh turned just a little more water-like and I was free. | ||
| Full moon. | ||
| I did turn up to work. It's just that bein' so short an all I couldn't reach high enough to sign on. | ||
| I was going through the coats in the locker room... for a very good reason, I can assure you- and I fell through the cupboard into a strange land with NO witches or satyrs or magic.It was called Erf, or something similar. | ||
| Whilst preceeding along the street of Small Gods I caught a whiff of some lovely concrete and went to find out where it was coming from. I found it was being sold by a man named C.M.O.T. Dibbler. Stupidly I bought some and ate it. I was ill with food poisoning for several days! | ||
| I was havin' a bad hair day. | ||
| I have decided to be brutally honest; I didn't turn up for work because I feel unappreciated and unfulfilled in a dead-end job with people that I hate.I think that if I was to receive a large amount of money I might feel better. | ||
| I locked myself in the bathroom again. I must remember to change that handle into one a little more easy for paws to open. | ||
| The ants that are running my computer (a'la HEX) refuse to work due to the Y2K bug giving them a whole lot of attitude..... | ||
| Here's what happened....I was having breakfast and saw one of our cows go by the window very fast, and backwards no less! I ran out there and got knocked down and run over by another one. I have an infestation of Nac mac Feegles!! I told them to give me back those cows, and they had the nerve to tell me to "stickit yer trakkans" and then they said "gie you such a kickin'!" So then I was angry and tried to step on one, but they flipped me onto my hind-quarters! I gave them my last bottle of "Nanny Oggs' Famous Recipie Washtub Gin" to get those cows back. We had a good laugh over that gin, though......Those crazy little guys, always "snaflin' coobeasties"!! | ||
| There was this funny white and black sticky stuff all over my pillow and I also discoverd some down my back (and trousers, although that had a different consistency!?!). On top of that there was the smell.......... | ||
| I woke up this morning and discovered a memo by my bed, telling me to get a swan a sex change (what swan?!?). | ||
| Was on my way into work (was gonna even be early, honest!!) when I carelessly disgarded a lit match while in the vicinity of Foul 'Ole Ron. The result was what can only be described as "an amazing ball 'o flame" which I barely managed to escape with my eyebrows intact. So see? It wasn't anything that could be helped........just be wary of lit matches around any toxic fumes. | ||
| My dragon ate my bicycle... | ||
| It's like this sah, you see, I was on my way to the office when a page from the Patrician flagged me down and said the old man wanted to chat me up for breakfast. Not one to ignore a summons, I changed direction, asking the page to notify you, sah. I guess the page got side tracked. Oh, the Patritian? Yes, he could confirm my story, er, but we talked about some rather top secret topics, sah, and he told me that he would deny that I was there this morning due to the sensitive nature of our talk. | ||
| The reason that the other excuses above are so crap is because I was pushed into writing the by the big Com. Vimes. It's true I tell you, truuuuuuuuuueeeeeee. Uh, sorry about that, what I would like to say is: please try to erase the boring and unfunny excuses above. It's either that or I change my name to "Sagi" | ||
| millennium hand and shrimp | ||
| A witch changed me into a newt...I got better. Okay okay! That's not true. My dog ate my notebook. Okay Okay! I ate my notebook. | ||
| It was a really really hot day and, despite being somewhat of an intellectual in the troll world, I couldn't work out how to walk properly!!!!! | ||
| I was working--I was told getting drunk was the Watchman's primary duty. | ||
| Well, you see its like this Drill sagt Wee mad Angus, sir. I was on my way to the yard, and as you know, I walk passed the Assasins Guild on my way. Well, I over heard Corpral...er...Joey, joe, joe, Jr, ye thats it Joey Jo Joe Jr, getting this assasin to kill...er...you Wee Mad Angus,Sir. Well of cource I had to do something, so I faught against this Highly trained Asssasin and Joey Joe Joe the Troll, bare fist I was. Well the fight lasted as long as my patrole should have been and the Assasin and Joey Joe Joe fell in to the river Ankh and Drowned...er?..Sufficated, so I decided to go home and sleep, because I was in pain. Oh ye and all the records about Joey Joe Joe Jr the Troll were burnt last...Tuesday. How was that? | ||
| my dog swallovd my report. Honestly | ||
| I had an Out of Cheese error, half cucmber values, ++++blurgeble966+++ Universe out of order. Reboot from start | ||
| Very sorry I'm late to work today sir. My horse got clamped by overzealous traffic officers. It took me 2 hours to explain to the troll officer that I was on watch business. It was like talking to a brick wall. Maybe we need special markings for our transport. | ||
| I was talking to an Ephebian philosopher the other day. He said that existence is entirely perspective. He said that the second I wasn't in contact with something it ceased to exist. So I didn't have a job to come to. I arrested him this morning after I came to work for disturbing the peace of mind. | ||
| Sorry I missed work yesterday, sarge. I came down with a bad case of typhoid and malaria. It was horrible! I nearly died. I had maggots crawling out of my legs. They thought I might never walk again. Just out of curiosity, do you like my new shorts? I got them yesterday when I nipped out for a sausage-inna-bun. Oops... | ||
| Sorry I missed work this past week sah, you see, my imp wasn't compatible to the year of the fruitbat so it didnt' tell me when I was supposed to be at the office. Funny, but after a while I thought the weekend was dragging on something awful. | ||
| I am afraid that I can't dedicate all my time to the Watch because, you see, by day I am a lowly Watchman, but by night I fight crime, under the name of... no, screwwit, I made it all up and can't be bothered making up a name.By night I sit on my bed sobbing in loneliness- and drinking beer. | ||
| Well, Mr. Vimes, it's like this.I was missing yesterday afternoon because I was busy fabricating some pictures of you fooling around with your maid.Oh, and I'd like a raise. | ||
| I could tell you where I've been, but then I would have to kill you, all your family, all your friends, everyone who knows you and the whole flat world! Ha ha ha ... (Evil Elvish laughter!) | ||
| But I WAS on duty - but it's kind of hard to hold a pen in your paw (it WAS full moon, after all). | ||
| I was taking the Posions class at the Assain's Guild after the posions master was discovered inhumed. | ||
| I would tell you where I was, but it would ruin the surprise... | ||
| Nowte to the Cmdr: Plees excoos Hannah Ogg fore Beeng Layte. She was Preforming a Servis fore the Citie and was Notte argooing wythe a Wizarde on Peech Pye Streete no mattre what anywon Sayes. Sinnserlie, a Verrie Importante Buggre who is Notte Hannah | ||
| I was arrested for impersonating Death, thank you very much! | ||
| I was thinking of an excuse. | ||
| i was dead i tell you but now i fel better | ||
| Well Sir, as you know, I'm new to this and I didn't realise that the Gargoyles up on the rooves were rather partial to a bit of pigeon and you see I got into a fight over this pigeon and its only right to let them take the first punch if you start it and well, you know how slow them things move!!! Sorry Sir, it won't happen again. | ||
| Sorry I didn't show up for work yesterday, sir, but my room mate left her sun lamp on. I wouldn't have minded but her electric fan scattered my ashes all over the apartment. She had to spend all day sweeping me back together. Unfortunately I can't promise it wont happen again sir. | ||
| Thorry I turned upth lathe. I'th been a the dentisths. I knew I shouldn'th hath bith thath trollth | ||
| I know I didn't show up to work for a couple of days but I can explain. You told me to "not come back until i thought about what I did." Well I forget what I did and I took a couple of days off to think about it sir. | ||
| I was chasing a large whale escaped from the zoo, when I discovered it had chucked itself in a desperate attempt to seek freedom. It melted into a huge greasy puddle of goop, and I was forced to clean it all up. So much for a Watchman's duty. | ||
| Well, Sir, you know with me being of the werewolf persuasion an' all, well, I was called back to the old place this morning to sort out matters that had got out of hand. You see, my younger brother was a member of this group run by a Wolfgang Von Uberwald and you see, there was this accident and he got kicked out of a tree by someone who shall remain nameless and so I had to go pick him up. Sorry but it wasn't actually all my fault sir... | ||
| Dear Mr Vimes Scopulus (his friends call him Cliff) was not at work yesterday as he has had bad chaps at the top of his legs. Thank you from his Mum | ||
| He should've arrested them and brought them in when he was next on duty. :D | ||
| Mrs Vimes collared me and said that she needed help with the dragons - have you tried saying no to that woman? I ended up being trailed half way round the Disc by her little 'pumpkins', an' I got my boots dirty. | ||
| The whole of the Silver Horde turned up and refused to leave the city until I had given them all a hair cut. Well! I couldn't leave them roaming about they may have caused trouble. | ||
| Well Sah, I was feeling fine the other day, till I had Ahmed's special curry. What was special was that it actually had a lot of curry in it sah. Well, you know how curry can be. It wasn't so much for myself, but I felt that the lads would have fared better if I wasn't in the station, if you get my drift sah. | ||
| What the hell do you mean I wasn't at work yesterday! Just who do you think that was buried beneath all those bloody reports all day! | ||
| I was looking for my grandmother so I could go to her funeral | ||
| I apologise for not being at work but on the way here I bumped into Lewton, or more precisely he grabbed me by the arm and yanked me down a side street. He's investigating some dissappearance or something and I thinks I have something to do with it just because I was seen three miles away from the scene with the victims third cousin once removed. And well sir, you know how difficult Lewton can be and I couldn't get away all day sir. No sir it has nothing to do with the fact I was seen in the Cafe Ankh with an unknown man of the elvish persuasion (who's name is Imp by the way, he's in a band). | ||
| I was helping a zombie put itself back together, I think it might have been Constable Shoe. | ||
| I Volunteered to give the Commander a bit o' help wiv 'is paperwork - nearly drowned. | ||
| It wasn't me, it was the one armed dwarf! | ||
| woke up to discover a zombie had borrowed my left leg, replaced it back to front and I can only walk round in circles. | ||
| whilst awaiting the delivery of my official sanctioning to observe and avoid... uhhhhmmmm...badge, I am currently residing (?) in the Shades... excuse me... WILL YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP, I'M TRYING TO WRITE HERE... THANK YOU AND I HAVE THE SAME LOFTY HOPES FOR YOUR MOTHER ALSO... sorry... but Sgt. Detrius has told me policing without a badge is definately VERRRRY SOLID ground for a good goolag head kicking in session... so I wait. I have witnessed no less than 3 major infractions in as many minutes and there's one mime down here that I can't wait to get my pick ...errrrr... hands on and bring matters into focus with the business end of said instrument... we'll get to the two 'finer points' much later. He just has to appologize for that overwieght dwarf in a flooded shaft bit... tasteless... respectfully, sir, my fear of Detrius' reprisals is holding me back. Look, I'm in the Shades, I need cash to move... get Cheri out of that pub and into my life with that badge, sir, please. I need to get on patrol and get some slee... satisfaction. I remain... | ||
| Sorry I've been turning up late but I've been suffering from summer depression. You know longer days and shorter nights can really get you down. | ||
| I attended a lecture on free will given by Constable Dorfl and became so inspired that I decided, in a gesture of free will, not to go to work | ||
| Thing is, actually I was on duty but on my way to the Yard I bumped into a student wizard who tried to make me a bunch of flowers but made me tiny instead so I wasn't seen by anybody. I had to do and jump up and down on the Archchancellor's head after work to make him change me back. | ||
| Having just looked at the escalation of my rise through the Ranks in only a couple of weeks....I needed the time off to come to terms with the strange little birds and stars above my head, as it's still spinning. Also I think I'm beginning to get a nastly little itch triggered by all this extra power I now have... | ||
| De big pile of gravel in da corner should explain everything. If you don't know why - arsk de Commander. | ||
| On the way to the watch house a zombie jumped out in front of me waving a metal pole above his head. I warned him that if he did not put down his weapon I would be forced to disarm him. He refused to co-operate so I was forced to carry out my threat. That is why I'm carrying these arms Sir, came off really easily they did! | ||
| Is there any way I can get out of this without having to make up an excuse? You know it's going to be a lie anyway... Can I bribe you? Would that work? Or would that just get me discharged? | ||
| Well, right, was happened was, right, this man came, right, an' he sed that there was... some crimes... somewhere else... very far away, right? So... I went. It's not very good, is it? Oh, right. | ||
| I arrested a leper and as I was trying to bring him back, he well... Fell apart. You see? Anyway I started walking back to work and realized that I had been infected with the disease as well. So I've been trying to fight off lepercy ever since. (only recomindable for zombies, who are in denial that they are truely zombies) | ||
| Gran'mudders fooneral. No not dat wun de other one. Her too? De other one den. Wot do you mean I c'n only 'ave two? Oos dat big rock in de corner den eh? Jus' a rock! Jus' a rock!! She was an 'igh up woman in de troll community she was. Fink I don' know me own Gran'muddah! Huh. | ||
| Hot wevvah. Nuff said. | ||
| Sorry I'm late but I had an argument with my parents. It wasn't pretty, there's been some bad blood in the family lately | ||
| Detritus sought me out again this morning. We gnughaaad a little chat about incomplete sentences and another abooewoweout spelling etiquette within submitted reports. In fact, our little chat continues. I have a strong suspicion that I'll not be in tommorow. Regrets, but Sgt. Detritus intends to beat 'der little useless pebble recruit' into shape. He says he's prepared to 'watch it leak all over der gahoolin place all day' if that's what it takes. Soon to be patrolling Picksplitter resespectfulullullly.... | ||
| I was on my way to work when I bumped into a zombie and I had to spend hours helping him sew himself back together again. Sorry! | ||
| Recovering from goolag..nghung head kicking in session with Sgt. DETRITUS, sir. Offence: having once spelt said sergeants name incorrectly in last gahoolag grit sucking excuse. His words, really, sir. This will not happen again, to quote the sergeant. Respectfully, new recruit G.P. agreesargh... | ||
| You see Commander, it was like this. I was just leaving my flat when this blonde with a face that wouldn't quit stopped me in the hall. "Captain Trent." She said with a voice like mulled honey. "Yeah, that's me sugar" I said, shaking on the inside and, well, shaking on the outside as well. "I need to talk to you ...." and so forth. We ended up in my apartment for a few drinks and so forth while she told me about her missing cat. The next thing I knew I was laid out on my bed, she must have slipped me a micky. There were four of them surrounding me, all in their black robes and squid heads. Luckily, I sleep with a long sword under my pillow, so I was able to dispatch the cultists (cult of the Curious Squid if yer interested). The last one I killed was the blond. You will find the bodies in the forensic unit Commander, along with four rotting squids. I've also submitted a bill for new sheets. | ||
| Shorry I'm not there fer me firsht week but I got losht in the posht. | ||
| I had to shend off fer a new arm from the mail order catalogue, an it took agesh to get 'ere. | ||
| Please excuse Lodestone from work today, he has to go to the jewellers to get fillings. Signed, Lodestone's Mum. | ||
| I was patrollin' be'ind de Pork Futures ware'ouse an' started to count de bricks in de wall... | ||
| I fort about not coming to work yesterday... | ||
| Sorry I've been coming to work so early but I was practicing my mesmorism technique infront of the mirror again. I was doing it becuase Nobby has been coming late to work for years. I was practicing to make sure he arrived ten minuites early to work every day but I ended up doing it to myself. I'm not ambitious just hypnotised!! | ||
| While finishing my beat just before the break of dawn, I noticed as I returned back to base a small package at the side of the door. Peering inside I found a rather red faced child wrapped in swaddling clothes & sucking ferociously on its thumb. Attached to its forehead was a note. CANT COPE WONT COPE please take care of little Beelzebuba Now being of the female persuasion I instantly felt all maternal & took the little blighter home. It was alittle cramped in my All Terrain Coffin but I managed to give it a few bloody marys & it slept soundly after that. It woke just before night fall (luckily enough) screaming blue murder so I remembered my ole granny feeding me milk, so I required some (lawfully) from a rather reluctant neighbour. This action in turn was the reason why I was late last night. Have you ever tried getting baby puke from inbetween your chainmail...not a pretty site. Oh and by the way if a report comes from UU that a strange parcel was posted to the Bursuar....you didn't hear it from me!! |