The following advice for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department,the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food andDrug Administration, and the Centres for Disease Control. It is intendedas a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensuredor intended.

General overview:
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent ofEurope. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearlyas important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerlandand some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not verygood shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre,EuroDisney and some old church where a hunchback once lived. Among itscontributions to western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese andthe guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation,air conditioning is little used (see below re sweat stains on shirts) andit is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperationfor American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speakingFrench, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreigncountry, watch your change at all times.

The People:
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink andsmoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, andhave no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are ingeneral gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined;and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic,though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people arecommunists, and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls'names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. Americantraveller's are advised to travel in groups
and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutualrecognition.

Safety:
In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advisedthat, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the Frenchsurrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage ofScotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stockmarket prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. Atunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has beenopened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee toLondon.

History:
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other importanthistorical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteauand Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

Government:
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections areheld more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrativepurposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts,municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.Parliament
consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly,they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullistsor communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament'sprincipal preoccupation is setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific,and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most currentState Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jackor Jacques or something like that. Further information is not availableat this time.

Culture:
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easyto see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever madea movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps,an evening with a
French family -ha! ha! ha!).

Cuisine:
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is justa slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent,though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. Anyform of egg will be cooked in such a way as to slip through your fork.Use a straw. Coffee
cannot be drunk, but can be used to make cement. In general, traveller'sare advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading
hotels such as Sheraton, Holiday Inn, or McDonalds.

Economy:
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany'sin Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If theyare not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike andblocking the roads with their lorries and tractors. France's principalexports, in order of
importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guidedmissiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines,tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public holidays:
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumphas if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days,17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and theRest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are NationalNuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March1), National Guillotine Day (November 12), National Appreciation of Women'sBreasts Day, National Appreciation of Women's Legs Day, National Appreciationof Women's Bottoms day, National Appreciation of 30 Year Old Women Preparedto Have an Affair Day, National Celebration of Two Day Old Stubble on Men'sFaces Day and the National Celebration of the Virility of French Men Day.As yet there is no National Day of Celebration of Men Not Changing TheirShirts Regularly, Having Big Sweat Stains Under Their Armpits, and StillThinking They're Studs Day, although it's probably on the way.

Conclusion:
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, anda temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren'tinhabited by french people. The best thing that can be said for it is thatit is not Germany.

A word of warning:
The consular services of the United States government are intended solelyfor the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's,Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are thevictim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb,report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5.l5 am and 5.20 amon a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferentto your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or somethingsimilarly useless. Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally,we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.

from: Stoppe 1998

"Headache"

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained (as usual) "I have a headache....."
"Perfect" he said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can either take it orally or as a suppository - it's up to you!"

from: Jonas 2000

"Viagra For Grandpa"

A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital.
"How are you grandpa?  he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better.  These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping?  Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ...  and that's it.  I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister.  "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.  It works wonderfully well.  The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

from: Jonas 2000

"Oil change instructions"

Oil change for women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy-Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

   Money spent:
   $20.00 for oil change
   $1.00 for coffee
   Total = $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full.  Instead of taking it back O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up.  Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.  Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer.  No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

   Money spent:
   $50.00 parts
   $25.00 beer
   $75.00 replacement set of jack stands: hey the colors have to match!!!!
   $1,000.00 Bail
   $200.00 Impound and towing fee
   ________
   $1,350.00 Total

from: Jonas 2000

"The Doctor Visit"

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.  "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got a sore ass, and I'm not sleeping.  What is it, Doc?"
The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking."
"Fair enough," replied the lush.  "I'll come back when you sober up."

from: Jonas 1999

"Three Wishes"

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.
The man was ecstatic.
"But there's a catch," the Genie continued.
"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.
The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."
"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.
"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.
"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney ..."

from: Jonas 1999

"Toilet paper"

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in a restaurant.
She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me?  - I need to speak to him."
She asks, Running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager - clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing taxes right now.  Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is.  I need you to give him a message." She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

from: Jonas 1999

"High glucose level"

This actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year (1999).
In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic...
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

from: Jonas 1999

"Dilbert - The intern"

from: Internship Pittsburgh 1997