Sponsored by NLF Technologies Inc. 

Can you envision a perfect world coming about in your lifetime.  Well I can’t, but I'm pretty sure it can get much better than this.  So here are some NLF endorsed products that we believe will head our modern civilization in the necessary direction. *Note that while none of these products are yet available in retail form (to the best of our knowledge), the NLF recommends responsible usage and child supervision at all times.


The Precious Roy Wicker Condom

While not guaranteed to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease, you’ll be styling in this uniquely versatile and weather resistant contraceptive aid.  Made from the finest rattan palms of Southeast Asia and using the handcrafting methods of the Egyptians of 3000BC, the Precious Roy Wicker Condom is guaranteed to be the centerpiece of any romantic evening.  

Also comes in cane, reed & willow fibers for added comfort.


The Vertical Striped Condom

Using simple techniques that have been applied by clothing industries for years, the Vertical Striped Condom can bring a bit of panache to any birthday suit.  Drawing the eyes lengthwise, the viewer is given the perception of greater stature and virility.  Proven by Penn State researchers to improve balance in the elderly, the striped pattern can also bring an enhanced sense of control to the wearer.  

Available in one size. 


The Idiot Box

Designed to eliminate the need to ever again buy the latest home entertainment system.  The Idiot Box’s patented technology interacts with your brain to momentarily lower your threshold for enjoyment so the simplest activity provides hours upon hours of entertainment.  Stack two boxes and play with a friend.  No wires necessary, the box runs on the mental energy you’d normally expend at your typical enjoyment level.

Comes with small rubber ball. 


Pants in a Cup

Late for class and nothing to wear?  Pants in a Cup can save you precious minutes of searching and ironing.  Simply remove pants from cup and wear.  *To clean, simply fill cup with water and insert pants.  This revolutionary process dates back to its discovery in a college residence hall bathroom and will definitely make you the talk of your peers.

Item includes 1 pair of pants and a cup.

*Note: Entire pants do not fit into cup.


Soundproof Bars

Easily and efficiently eliminates a fraction of the noise brought to you by the outside world.  Introduced to the Americas in an unknown Japanese monster film, Soundproof Bars are a grid network of rods made from a space-age alien material.  Whether used for security or aesthetic purposes, Soundproof Bars are guaranteed to block the small portion of noise that is actually intercepted by the bars.  

Designs come in small and large diameter bars. 


The Portable Weed Tank

Suffering from an illness that requires the use of medical marijuana but find that you’re unable to smoke up in public?  Then the Portable Weed Tank is just for you. The tank’s unique design allows you to safely pre-store quantities of marijuana smoke in a non-pressurized container.  Lightweight construction optimizes free mobility of the body and makes it ideal for use in outdoor activities such as jogging, backpacking, & rock climbing.  Stainless scratchproof finish ensures long shelf life and resistance to unusual & unconventional ‘trip induced’ damage.  Optional tank boot for stand-alone use.

Tanks sizes range from 6 cubic ft to 80 cubic ft capacities. 

Must present adequate medical documentation upon purchase.

Not available in all states.


The Powdered Milk Keg

The safest most convenient way to stockpile milk without worrying about spoilage.  Simply store the 5 gallon container at under 70 degrees and it provides a convenient source of protein, B vitamins, and calcium without the added hassle of fat or a liquid form.  Like the soil of the earth itself, the Powdered Milk Keg will soon become the basic building block of life and energy in your household.  Pair with a water cooler and be the envy of your neighbors.  Mixing time can be fun for the whole family.

Warning: Do not consume in powdered form. First add water.


The Mod Brick

Well you asked for it.  And we've delivered.  Whispered in esoteric circles and feared by software developers worldwide, The Mod Brick is here.  This little wonder allows you to play any console game on your Dreamcast or PlayStation game system.  It’s a state of the art Electro-Magnetic Inducer mod chip that also happens to be a masonry brick.  Just put this little gizmo six inches from your console and watch it take your video gaming experience to all new levels.  The secret to the brick lies in the gamma waves it sends to your system, which trick it into recognizing any disc.  Radioactive exposure is easily treated with routine inoculation and sufficient downtime.  A leaded vest is recommended for prolonged exposure.  

Brick doubles as a blunt object. 


The Book of Joeism

Classical religions not right for you?  Well you always have a place in Joeism.  Based on the time honored principle of living life for the sake of enjoyment, Joeism’s message is 'Do whatever you want if it makes you happy.' No rules to observe, no dates to remember, no prerequisites necessary.  Learn from the teachings of Joe himself (current candidate for the position of god) as he instructs you to pursue life with an open mind and leave it with a milkshake in hand. 

Book now available on bootlegged CD.


The Writer's Assistant

Is the real you suffocating from lack of self expression?  Do you lay awake at night, yearning to get your literary message out there?  Well every great book begins with a title, and we have just what you need to get you started on the road to publishing.  This alphabetized compendium features 166 hand selected titles, each followed by a short description of its origin and other fun facts.  Simply download and be amazed.  *Guaranteed to have your novel flying off the store shelves before you can say "gimme money!"

download zip file (approx 11kb)

Requires Microsoft Excel to view.

*Not a guarantee


The Personal Attack Monkey

Do you need a ferocious beast to do your dirty work, yet find that conventional wild animals refuse to perch on your shoulder and eat crackers from your hand? Perhaps your life's lacking Mojo.  Mojo is the latest in intelligent animal science.  Selected from NASA's finest dropouts and battle hardened from years of astronaut camp, our Mojos deliver the cunning and ferocity you'd expect from an animal trained to survive the cold cruel kiss of outer space.  Take one home today.  If your Mojo isn't one mean sob then you sir have got the wrong monkey. 

Compatibility screening and vaccination required.

All sales are final.


Death Ray Lasers

THE FUTURE IS NOW!!  Far gone are the days of the bow & arrow and conventional combustion weapons.  Death Ray Lasers are the quick and easy alternative to archaic 20th century firearms.  No recoil, no reloading, no recovery.  Be the spaceman you've always wanted to be and the first one on your block to own a Death Ray Laser.  Brought to you for a limited time only by John Doe and all our friends at Roswell Testlabs Inc.

Comes in red beam, blue wave, and green pulse varieties.

Do not try to contact us.

Cash only.


The Zero Gravity Oven

Hi.  Ironchef Cornbread here.  Give me a minute to tell you about my new best friend in the kitchen, a little wonder called the Zero Gravity Oven.  Now I was quite the skeptic when the fine people of the NLF first approached me to endorse their product.  I don't just put the Ironchef Cornbread name on anything.  But after just a weekend with this baby I was sold.  You see, the beauty of the Zero G Oven is in its ability to produce flawless pastry every time.  We all know the best part of a muffin is the top, right?  Well imagine a muffin that's all top.  Yes, you heard right.  Without any surface to contact, your muffins won't burn on the bottom.  And in the zero G environment they bake like popcorn; from the center outward, producing a golden crown on all sides.  So for the finest professional baking at an affordable price, the Zero Gravity oven is a cut above the rest.  Order one now and tell them Ironchef Cornbread sent ya.

 First 50 customers receive the Zero Gravity Oven autographed by Ironchef Cornbread himself and are entered into the 'Ironchef Cornbread Rocks Your School' sweepstakes.


The Chill Pill

Due to an overwhelming lack of market demand in recent years, the retail version of the Chill Pill (R) has all but been lost to the public.  Stock shares have dropped phenomenally, causing many to shift their money to the cooler, yet less effective Slow-Ya Roll (R).  No longer do friends and loved-ones routinely prescribe the self-administering of these cheap and convenient over-the-counter tranquilizing agents.  When was the last time you recommended that someone "Take a Chill Pill"?  Well now, for a limited time only, you can.  While supplies last we're offering the Chill Pill (R) in it's original form for the low low price of a buck fitty.  That's right!  A buck fitty!  Operators are standing by.  Don't miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to reclaim a part of your youth before it's lost to the 90s forever.

Do not take the Chill Pill (R) if you are pregnant.  

Possible drug interactions with some artificial sweeteners.