A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As
he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds young couple in
bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to
the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then
gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a
prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and
has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be
dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not
seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any
Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too..."
*****
A Baptist couple felt it important to own an equally Baptist pet, so they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in Baptist dogs, they found one that they liked a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he
complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. Impressed, they purchased the animal and went home. That night, they had friends over.
They were so proud of the new Baptist dog and his skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought of normal dog tricks.
"Well", they said, "let's try it out". Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "heel."
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head...It was then that the couple realized they'd been deceived. The dog was Pentecostal.
*****
API - Clearwater Florida - Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested
yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same
act on her husband, as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly
missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing
severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious,
but stable condition.
Luella has been charged with one count of misdewiener.
*******
Three men were traveling and happened to meet at
a bar in Ohio. One man was from Michigan, one
from Florida and one from TEXAS. They got
acquainted and started talking about their
problems with their wives.
The guy from Michigan began by saying: "I told
my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on
she would have to do her own cooking. Well, the
first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The
second day I saw nothing. But on the third
day when I came home from work, the table was
set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine
and even dessert."
Then the man from Florida spoke up: "I sat my
wife down and told her, that from now on she
would have to do her own shopping, and also do
the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The
second day I saw nothing. But on the third day
when I came home, the whole house was spotless,
and in the pantry the shelves were filled with
groceries".
The fellow from TEXAS was married to an
enlightened woman from the Lonestar State. He
sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his
chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and
told her, that from now on she would have to do
the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well,
the first day I saw nothing. The second day I
still saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see
a little bit out of my left eye.
******
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work
cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally
tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He
was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes
off him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and
walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her
apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and
whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $20---on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman
asked what the condition was. The young man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which
she pressed into the young man's hand along with her
address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly,
meaningfully said...... "Clean my House".
******
When you have an "I hate my job" day, try this: On
your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy
and go to the thermometer section. You will need to
purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip."
Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes,
and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed
during your therapy. Change to very comfortable
clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your
bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will
not become chipped or broken.
Take out the written material that accompanies the
thermometer and read it.
You will notice that in small print there is a
statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by
Q-tip is personally tested." Now, close your eyes and
repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work
in quality control at the Q-tip Company."
******
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