Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it
started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her
cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself down to the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of
age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness." says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee.
And most of the
time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When
you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take
laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and
nothing' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst
age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the
60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee
like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every
morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me
get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about
being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and
went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a
minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur
to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey,
aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said
Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in
your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God
went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for
the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" and he replies " SEX!!!"
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while." "Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, and proceeds to hold his manhood. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each
night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?!?" Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on
holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the
pouring rain and calls out into the dark.
"Hello are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing," the drunk replies.
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after
a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile
phone on one
of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following
conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H- "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a
beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002
models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, he gave me a
really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought
last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and..I
stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had
looked at last
year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre
of park area, beach front property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much
in the bank to cover..."
H- "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..." The man hangs up & closes the phone's
flap.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband
raises his hand while holding the phone and asks ......... "Does anyone
know who this phone belongs to?"
