Subject: SXF/Insensitive (Songs You Know by Heart 3) J/B PG

Disclaimer:   Jim, Blair, Steven Ellison, and everyone else you recognize
are owned by UPN and Pet Fly Productions and used without their permission.
Insensitive by Jann Arden is also used without permission.  Three words in
the lyrics have been changed for plot purposes.  This story is not intended
to infringe upon any copyrights, nor is any profit being made from it.

I would like to thank saraid, Pumpkin, and Heather for their valient beta
reading efforts. 

This story is the third of Songs You Know by Heart.  It follows More Than
Words and Hands to Heaven.  Anybody in need of the first two parts, feel
free to e-mail me privately.  Sorry, no sex this time, but I hope you all
keep reading anyway ;-)

Feel free to archive under drama.  Like it or hate it, please send feedback to
renedp@xs4all.nl or JRR42@hotmail.com (archive under the hotmail account,
please)  

// // Indicates song lyrics


Songs You Know by Heart 3:  Insensitive  1/2  J/B  PG 
by JR 

The past week had been particularly arduous on Dr. Blair Sandburg.  It had
taken five days to cross the country by car; five of the longest, loneliest,
most confusing days of his life.  When had everything changed for him?  Only
a few years earlier, Blair would have jumped at the chance to relive the old
lifestyle that Naomi had instilled in him since birth.  It was a certain
kind of wanderlust, fed by constant traveling and a never ending search for
some undefinable key to life, the universe, and everything.  For twenty-six
years he had lived that way; but now, at the ripe old age of twenty-nine,
everything was different.

After three years of extensive studies and hard work, Blair had finally
received his Doctorate in Anthropology; and despite his excellent teaching
reputation at Rainier University, there hadn't been a spot open for him in
the upcoming semester.  But, with Jim's encouragement, the younger man
decided to continue onward in his anthropological career by looking beyond
Cascade.  Blair had found a great position at another college with the help
of Steven Ellison.  The only problem was that his new job was thousands of
miles from the most important person in his life, Jim.

So here he was, alone in the furnished faculty apartment that was to be his
home for the next year.  Eastern Virginia College was located in the
foothills of the Appalachian Mountains.   While the surroundings were
beautiful, there wasn't much else in the area besides nature.  Five miles
away from the campus was the small town of Delliford, or as some of the
students referred to it 'Deliverford,' a reference to the infamous movie
'Deliverence.'  While most of the students lived on campus, those that
didn't lived in the five mile stretch between the college and the town.  

At the behest of her grandfather, Chancellor Bernard White, Sabra Lowstein
had handled most of the moving arrangements for Blair while he had returned
to Cascade to tie up all the loose ends there.  Sabra had been one of the
key factors in landing the anthropologist his new job.  The nineteen year
old freshman had struggled for six years with four enhanced senses; often
losing the battle without someone to help her.  She was to be Blair's side
project now that Jim could handle his Sentinel abilities without his Guide.

Sabra had stopped by yesterday to check on the new professor, but had left
relatively quickly.  It wasn't that she disliked Blair, it was just that six
years of 'being different' had left her painfully shy, and the
anthropologist had just been too tired from the extensive driving to try and
break through her ample defenses.  In many of ways, she reminded him of how
Jim had been when they had first met; quiet, stoic, with an underlying layer
of inner intensity.  Blair smiled as he recalled how much the Sentinel had
changed over the course of the years, but the grin quickly faded as he
remembered how they had parted just a week earlier.

'No!  Enough!  Stop thinking about it!' he silently reprimanded himself.
The lonely drive cross country had only given Blair ample opportunity to
constantly replay the events that had happened his last twenty-four hours in
Cascade.  That single night where he found nirvana, only to be thrown into
hell at the cold light of the following dawn.

In an attempt to occupy his wandering mind, Blair turned on the television.
Randomly flipping through the channels, he stopped at VH1 on a Sarah
McLachlan video.  'Total babe,' he thought as he reached for a box to
unpack.  Just as he was cutting through the tape with his pocket knife there
was a knock on the door.  'Probably Sabra again,' Blair thought as he made
his way to the door.  

"Who is it?" he inquired.

"Candygram." 

Blair scrambled to undo the locks at the sound of the familiar voice.  The
door opened to reveal a casually dressed Steven Ellison.

"Omigod! Steven!  What are you doing here?" Blair asked as he pulled Jim's
brother into a hug.  Breaking apart, he invited the older man inside.

"Hey Blair.  Would you believe me if I said I was just in the neighborhood?" 

"Knowing you, it wouldn't surprise me." the professor replied with a wry
grin.  The younger Ellison was the Vice-President of a large corporation.
He spent over half of his time on business trips all over the world.  

"I had a meeting in Richmond, and since EVC wasn't that far, I thought you
might like to see a friendly face."  Steven flashed a huge artificial grin
at the anthropologist.

"Not if it looks like that, man." Blair said as they both began laughing.
He took Steven on a quick tour of the apartment, carefully weaving his way
around all of the unopened boxes.  It only took a couple of minutes for the
two men to finish and return to the living room.

"Have a seat.  Can I get you anything?" 

"Something to drink would be great."  Steven said as he sat on the couch.

Blair moved into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator.  Sabra had brought
over a small bag of essential groceries yesterday, for which he was
eternally grateful.  As exhausted as he was from the trip, he hadn't yet had
time to unpack anything, let alone to go shopping.  He grabbed two beers and
headed back to join his unexpected guest.

"This is nice." Steven said as he looked around the room.

"Yeah, it's great compared to most faculty housing.  I'm subletting from one
of the professors who went on an expedition, so it came with everything,"
Blair supplied.  There was a pause as he took a sip from the cold bottle in
his hand.  "Man, it is like, so great to see you."

"Missing Cascade already?" the younger Ellison asked with a smile.

Blair had the good grace to look sheepish as he responded.  "Yeah.  I really
liked it there.  Guess that's why I stayed so long."  The whistfulness in
the younger man's voice did not go unnoticed by Steven, but Blair deftly
changed the subject.  "So, how long can you stay for?"

Steven sank back into the couch as he answered.  "I have to be at a meeting
tomorrow afternoon in Richmond."

"Oh man, on a Sunday?  That sucks."

Steven nodded his head in agreement.  "Yup, but that's why they pay me the
big bucks."  The statement was not an exaggeration.  He was well compensated
for his job and, truth be told, he loved his work despite of the large
amount of time he spent traveling.

"Well, do you want to stay here tonight and head back in the morning?"
Blair asked hopefully.

"I don't want to be an imposition.  I was planning on going back later
tonight..." 

The professor cut him off before he could finish the statement.  "No, that's
stupid.  It's only a couple of hours drive to get back, but you'll be
totally wiped out if you try to do it tonight.  If you stay here, you can at
least get some rest; and if you leave at a decent hour in the morning,
you'll have plenty of time before your meeting.  That is if you don't mind
sleeping amid this sea of boxes." Blair made a sweeping gesture with his
hand to indicate his cardboard filled living room.

Steven hadn't really planned this little side trip.  In fact, he had come on
instinct alone after learning where this last minute meeting had been
scheduled.  The truth was he had been worried about Blair.  The two men had
become friends after Steven had gone to the younger man seeking help in
reconciling with Jim.   Blair had done so much to help the estranged Ellison
siblings, and for that Steven would always be grateful.

He looked carefully at the smaller man.  There was an air of sadness lurking
just under the surface of the usually expressive face, one caused by a
depression that went beyond the obvious reasons.  It was the same look that
he had already seen twice before this week on another face; once when he had
turned up with breakfast the morning of Blair's departure, and it was there
again last night when he and his brother had gone out for dinner.  

It had not escaped Steven's attention that Blair was deliberately avoiding
asking about Jim, even when the younger Ellison had practically thrown the
subject open with a red carpet leading up to it.  No, there was far more
here than met the eye.  There had been an unusual tension between the young
man and his brother the morning that Blair had left, apparently it was only
getting worse.  With a grim determination, he decided that he wasn't about
to let two very special people in his life allow their deep friendship to
drift apart.  

"Okay, I'll stay." Steven said.

*************************
The two men talked for about an hour before Jim's name was brought up.
Steven had offered to help Blair 'make a clean spot' in the mess that was
the living room.  Happy to have the company, the anthropologist readily
accepted with his usual enthusiasm.  

The older man stifled a laugh as he watched the younger man spring into
action.  He genuinely liked Blair, finding him to be intelligent,
well-rounded, and caring of the feelings of others.  Unaware of Jim's
Sentinel abilities,  he had never quite understood how his hard-assed cop of
a brother had ever ended up with the young grad student in the first place.
It wasn't like Jim to take in strays, even if Blair's apartment had blown
up.  Yet despite the fact the two men were polar opposites in virtually
everything, their friendship was truly amazing.  His wandering thoughts were
interrupted by his host thrusting an open box of kitchen utensils into his arms.

They sat side by side opening and organizing Blair's possessions, chatting
about basketball until there was a lull in the conversation.  Steven thought
it was a good time to broach the taboo subject.  The older man sat back on
his haunches and rubbed his sweaty hands on his denim clad thighs.  

"Hey Blair, have you talked to Jim since you got here?" Steven inquired
casually.

The professor was silent for a moment before answering.    "Yeah, I called
to let him know I got here in one piece."  Blair said quietly.

Steven had been having dinner with Jim when the call had come.  He had been
startled by the open look of relief that had spread across his older
brother's face when Jim realized it was his Guide on the phone.  However,
after the required 'how did it go' question, Steven thought he could
actually see his older brother's emotional walls go up.  The rest of the
conversation had been short, sweet, and to the point.  Despite the
exhaustion Blair must have been feeling, the younger Ellison had expected
Blair to draw out the call with his typical
'I-have-to-tell-you-every-detail-about-every- person-I-came-across' style.
Within three minutes, the conversation was over.  So was dinner, as Jim had
withdrawn completely into himself after closing up his cell phone.  

Deciding to test the waters, Steven pushed forward a little bit.  "He really
misses you, you know."  A sad fleeting smile crossed Blair's features,
giving the older man the courage to go on.  "It's funny, but even though he
tries to hide it, you can see that he is really kind of lost without you."
Steven stated softly.

"He's not the only one." Blair said in a whisper so quiet, Steven barely
heard him.

"Blair, is everything okay between you and Jim?" he asked, not bothering to
hide the concern in his voice.

With a soft sigh, the younger man replied, "Yeah, everything is fine."  When
he saw the somewhat skeptical look on Steven's face, Blair elaborated
further.  "It's just strange. I mean, for the past three years, we've done
everything together; we lived together, worked together, we even
*vacationed* together for Christ's sake.  You know about how I was raised,
Naomi and I moving all over the place every few months.  Jim gave me my
first real home.  I'm not sure how to put this without hurting your
feelings, but Jim and I, we're like family.   No offense, man."

"None taken." Although the comment stung, Steven recognized it for the truth
that it was.  The bond that his brother had formed with the anthropologist,
however unlikely it seemed, had been forged in fire.  Blair had stood by Jim
through harrowing experiences that Steven couldn't even begin to describe.  

It used to bother him, the closeness that the two shared.  He had been
jealous of Blair at first, of how protective his own brother had been of the
younger man; while he, Jim's own flesh and blood, was delegated to a
position on the other side of Jim's well fortified emotional defenses.   It
had taken months of hard work, as well as Blair's unflagging support, to
overcome the mistrust that came from fifteen years of separation. Even now,
Steven was sadly cognizant of the fact that he would probably never be as
close to his brother as the man now standing before him was.  

It startled him to realize that although he was envious of their
relationship, he wanted their friendship to continue.  He had heard enough
stories from Simon, Joel, and even Blair himself about how Jim used to be
before the energetic grad student somehow wormed his way into his brother's
life.  Steven had seen it first hand during the whole racetrack fiasco, when
his closest living relative had investigated him as the primary suspect in a
murder.   Although he would *never* say it aloud, the descriptions he had
heard about Jim's behavior had painfully reminded him of their father's;
that overwhelming need for order and control.  Then Blair had entered the
picture, slowly dragging his brother back from the abyss that he had been
heading straight into.   Just in the year since their reconciliation, Steven
had watched his older brother learn to relax more, to go with the flow of
events, skills he was obviously picking up from his younger roommate.

A sound broke into his inner track of thought.  Blair was calling his name.
"Sorry, got lost there for a minute." 

A stomach rumbling ominously caused both men to grin.  

"Time for dinner?" Blair asked his guest.

Aware that the discussion of Jim and Blair's relationship had effectively
been tabled for now by the younger man, Steven agreed readily.

***********************
Dinner turned out to be a small Italian restaurant in Delliford.  As it was
between semesters, there were only a handful of locals in the place.  Blair
flirted outrageously with the pretty waitress, who seemed very happy to
learn that he was going to be teaching at EVC.  When he found out she was
attending the school, Blair decided to forgo getting her phone number.  He
wasn't sure what the College's policies were about teachers dating students,
and he didn't want to invite any trouble before the semester even began.

The two men truly enjoyed each other's company.  Blair and Steven often
found themselves comparing travel stories whenever they were together.
Surprisingly enough, they rarely had any difficulties finding some subject
to discuss at length.  Although nowhere near as outgoing as the
anthropologist, the younger Ellison was certainly more talkative than his
stoic older brother.  

Caught up in the conversation, neither man paid much attention to how late
it had become until Steven's face was split by a huge yawn.  Blair smiled as
he glanced at his watch, amazed to discover that they had been sitting there
for over three hours.  Taking pity on his dinner companion, Blair asked for
the check.

"Sorry to call it an evening, but I had to be up at 5:00 this morning."
Steven said with self-depreciating grin.

"Oh man, between the time changes, the drive up, and helping me unpack, you
must be wiped.  I'm so sorry for being such a shitty host."  Blair
apologized as he threw in his share of the bill.

"It's no big deal, Blair.  As much as I travel, this little jaunt is
nothing.  Now flying to China can really take a lot out of you.  Talk about
jet lag."  

"That's nothing.  Once, I took this trip to Indonesia, twenty-four hours on
a plane, then we had to take a boat upriver, followed by a four hour hike
just to get to the site.  Man, now there was a trip."  

The conversation continued as the two men made their way back to Blair's
apartment.

************************
At Blair's insistence, Steven took the bedroom while the younger man chose
the couch.  Although he played it off as being gracious to his guest, the
fact was that the anthropologist wasn't really tired.  He continued to
unpack boxes as quietly as he could, using the soft music coming from the
television to mask the sounds he was making. For the first time, Blair was
honestly grateful that Steven didn't share his brother's Sentinel abilities,
otherwise the younger Ellison would have been up all night.

Working steadily for the next hour, he managed to make some headway in
sorting through the half dozen boxes of books that he had brought with him
from Cascade.  Opening the last carton, Blair found one of his most prized
possessions on the top:  Sir Richard Burton's Monolith, the one that had
originally peaked his interest in Sentinels.

Running his hands delicately over the cracking leather cover, he smiled as
he recalled showing the old text to Jim for the first time that fateful day
in his cramped closet of an office.  True to form, the detective had been
enraged to learn that the grad student had tricked him into coming.  But
that had also been the same day that Blair had saved Jim's life; an action,
as it turned out, that would change both of their lives forever.

Sitting silently, Blair ran through all the important events in their
relationship, recalling every significant factor that had forged the bond
that they had created.  Never in his life had he been so close to another
living soul, not even his own mother. Three years of friendship.

Three years of friendship destroyed in one night.

They hadn't meant for it to happen; and as certain as he was standing there,
Blair was sure that Jim was as surprised by the turn of events as he had
been.  Try as he might, the anthropologist couldn't recall the exact moment
when the comforting hug had turned into something more.  Nor could he
remember who had started the gentle kiss that had so quickly lead to their
frenzied coupling.  Never before had he felt so much desire for anyone, let
alone another man.  Jim had made him feel so wanted, so needed, and so loved. 

What had gone so wrong in those few hours of sleep?

For the thousandth time that week, Blair attempted to reign in his thoughts
about that last night in Cascade.  Thinking about that night, only brought
back the painful memories of the morning after.  But here, alone in the
semi-darkness, he was unable to prevent the unbidden images from bubbling to
the surface.  As the lyrics to the song playing on the television reached
his consciousness, Blair found himself swept back to the morning his
friendship with Jim had ended.

************************
//How do you cool your lips after a summer's kiss?
How do you rid the sweat after the body bliss?//

"Chief.  Chief, wake up." Jim called from the living room.  The smell of
fresh coffee hung in the air as Blair crawled his way out of a deep sleep,
while his mind uselessly tried to hold on to whatever he had been dreaming
about.   In an attempt to shake off the lethargy that comes with too little
sleep, he stretched his back as he sat up.   The action caused several
muscle groups to start protesting loudly.   It only took a moment to do a
quick brief inventory of what was hurting, and the results set his mind to
move at warp speed.  He couldn't help the involuntary gasp that escaped him
when realization of last nights events returned.  Once the surprise had
passed, Blair felt an incredible feeling of joy settle over him.  'Jim loves
me.  He actually said it!  And the sex...oh shit, what have we done?'

More importantly, he wondered what it meant in terms of their relationship.
Sure, Blair was happy with the turn of events, but was he ready for such a
drastic change in lifestyle?  What about his new job?  In just an hour, he
was supposed to be leaving Cascade for the next year.  Could he get out of
the contract he had signed with EVC?  What did Jim think about everything?
And why was Jim out of bed already?  'Too many questions, too little
caffeine.' Blair thought to himself as he pondered what the best course of
action was.

In order to calm his speeding thoughts, he drew a deep breath.  Even without
Sentinel abilities, Blair could smell the lingering scent of sex that rose
from his own body.  He needed a shower badly.  He rose naked from the bed
and moved across the room.  Through the small crack between the two French
doors, the smoky blue eyes could see his fully clothed roommate, now lover,
reaching for two coffee mugs.  For some reason, it bothered Blair to see
that Jim had already showered and dressed.  With a quick glance around the
room, he spotted the clothes he had been wearing the night before neatly
folded on top of his carry on.  He reached for the jeans that Jim had so
hastily removed just a few hours earlier and slid them on before heading
through the doors to meet his fate.

//How do you turn your eyes from the romantic glare?
How do you block the sound of a voice you'd know anywhere?//

"Morning."  Blair called out casually to the broad back of his roommate.  He
wrapped his arms across his bare chest to combat the cold morning air that
brought gooseflesh to his skin.  He stopped moving just beside the couch,
waiting for Jim to say something.  Anything.  

Blair could feel a chill go through him that had nothing to do with the
ambient room temperature. It wasn't as though Jim could have missed his
greeting, when he knew damn good and well that the Sentinel could have heard
him whisper it from downstairs on the sidewalk.  This was deliberate.  

With a heavy sigh, Blair tried to bring everything into the open.  "Jim..."
he said quietly, but firmly, to his Sentinel.

Without turning around, the Sentinel cut him off before his Guide could
continue.  "Why don't you go grab a shower, Sandburg."  Jim said as he
poured out a single cup of coffee and replaced the pot.

Blair involuntarily recoiled as though he had been slapped.  Shit.  It was
worse than he had thought.  "Jim," he paused, trying to determine what to
say.  "Jim, we need to talk about this."

"No." 

The Sentinel still wouldn't face him.  He set the spoon he had been stirring
with down and placed both hands on the counter to lean into it.  Jim's jaw
worked mercilessly as he maintained his resolve not to discuss what had
happened.

Three years of living and working with the older man had taught Blair when
it was okay to push and when it was time for a strategic retreat.  This was
definitely the latter case.  The anthropologist retrieved some clothes from
his bedroom and headed for the shower.  

//How do you numb your skin after the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood after the body rush//

Blair used the time in the shower to think of various ways of approaching
the problem.  He only hoped that he could get through to his Sentinel.  This
conversation was too important to shelve until a later time, especially
since he was on a deadline and any sort of decision on their future had to
be made quickly.  By the time he had dressed and shaved, he had thought of a
plan.  

"Look, Jim..." Blair began as he moved into the living area, only to feel
his throat tighten up as he took in the sight of another person in the room.

"Hey Blair.  I brought some breakfast." Steven Ellison said as he sat down
at the dining room table.

//How do you free your soul after you've found the friend
How do you teach your heart it's a crime to fall in love again//

With the younger Ellison there, Blair had no chance of bringing up the
subject of the previous night and Jim knew it.  Somehow he muddled through
breakfast, mumbling responses to Steven's inquiries about the route he was
going to take.  Jim rarely contributed anything more than monosyllabic
answers when asked a direct question.  It was one of the longest half hours
in Blair Sandburg's life.

And worst of all Jim never once looked at him throughout the entire meal.

Breakfast completed, Blair knew that he had run out of time.  It was obvious
that Jim was pushing him to leave the loft as soon as possible.   Blair was
staying with an old friend to save on the cost of a hotel room tonight and,
as it was, he was already getting a late start on the thirteen hour drive.
With lead feet and a heavy heart, he made his final trip to his room to get
his overnight bag.

//You probably won't remember, it's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few, who went ahead and fell for you//

Despite the hurt that he was feeling, Blair felt a wave of tenderness wash
over him as he entered the room.  Three years of memories flashed through
his mind; starting with bringing in the hastily packed cartons of possession
from his old apartment and ending with making love to his Sentinel last night.

With a sudden clarity, Blair thought back to the moment when they had
exchanged 'I love you's.'   The Sentinel had cupped his face ever so gently
as he gazed into his Guide's eyes.  At that moment, Blair could have sworn
that the older man could see straight into his soul.  The younger man had
fallen asleep with the knowledge that he had finally found the kind of love
that had seemed to elude him his entire life.

'Guess I was wrong.' Blair had thought miserably to himself.

//I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch 
I fell too fast, I feel too much//

Standing alone in his room, he felt his sadness give way to anger.  'Goddamn
him.  Goddamn him for doing this to me!' Blair raged silently.  How dare Jim
treat him like some kind of one night stand; some nameless, faceless body to
be fucked and forgotten.   

And how had he, the King of Love 'Em and Leave 'Em, fooled himself into
believing that Jim could give him the kind of love he had always been hoping
to find.  Strengthening his resolve not to let the hurt he was feeling show,
Blair walked out of his old room with only one thought.

'And goddamn me for falling for him.'

//I thought that you might have some advice to give 
On how to be insensitive//

He said goodbye to Steven first, not bothering to spare a glance at the
Sentinel.  The younger Ellison pulled Blair into a giant bear hug, reminding
him to call every now and then.  Somehow, he had found a genuine smile as he
returned the embrace.

Finally, Blair turned to Jim.  The older man could have been a statue for
all the emotion in his expression.  The only visible sign of tension was the
detective's tell-tale jaw muscle jumping rapidly.  Both men stood staring at
each other silently, unsure of what they should do next.

"I'll walk you down."  Jim said softly as he grabbed his coat from the hook
by the door.
 
//I really should have known by the time I woke alone
By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace, the expression on your face
That told me maybe you might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive//

They had walked downstairs in total silence, each lost in his own thoughts.
Steven had not accompanied them in an effort to give them some privacy for
what should have been an emotional scene.  It was anything but. 

No matter how hard he tried, Blair could never remember feeling more akward
than he did at that moment.  The two men were standing next to his car, the
Volvo station wagon Naomi had handed down to him a year earlier.  The anger
that had crept up on him in the bedroom was quickly being replaced by fear.
This was it.  If he left now, he knew that the damage that had occurred to
their relationship in the past twenty-four hours would become permanent.

"Jim...I...I don't want to leave like..."  Blair stumbled in a last ditch
effort to settle things between them.

"Shhhh." Jim quieted him.  

With a deep sigh, the Sentinel dragged his pale eyes up to meet the deep
blues of his Guide.  Blair could see the inner struggle the older man was
going through, but before he could say anything else, a soft whisper caught
his attention.

"I..." Jim began speaking only to falter.  Blair was elated to see a
fleeting tender look cross Jim's face, only to be replaced by the stone
expression he had been sporting all morning.  "I'm sorry. I...I can't do
this."  

The Sentinel moved forward to give the younger man a quick impersonal hug.
"Take care, Chief." Jim whispered before pulling away.  Without looking
back, he turned and retreated back into the building.  Blair stood alone in
the parking lot, his sight resting on the back of the receding figure until
the closing door obscured his view.

That was all it took for the Blair's emotional dam to burst.  With silent
tears streaming down his face, the anthropologist got in his car and sped
away from the loft. He never once looked back.

***********************

Now, a week later, he still couldn't understand exactly what had happened
that morning. All he knew was that he was truly alone for the first time in
three years.  With that thought, Blair's throat tightened until he could no
longer control the sob that burst from him.  
**********************

Being a light sleeper all of his life, the sound was enough to rouse Steven.
Quietly opening the bedroom door, he poked his head out to find out what was
wrong.  Blair sat on the living room floor with his back to the door
cradling his face in his hands.  He could easily tell that the younger man
was crying by the small shakes of the solid shoulders.

He moved forward to the distraught figure, leaning down to place a
comforting hand on his host's back.  The younger man started at the touch,
and he could see the visible effort to staunch the flow of tears.  "Blair,
what's wrong?" Steven asked softly.

Using the flat of a palm to try and wipe away the moisture, the
anthropologist took a deep breath before responding.  "I...I'm okay, Steven.
I...it's...I...," he trailed off.  With a sigh, Blair attempted to apologize
for waking his guest.

"It's okay, Blair,"  Steven said, gently rubbing the warm flannel beneath
his fingers. After a moment of comfortable silence, the older man began to
speak again.  "This isn't just about being homesick for Cascade, is it?"
Steven asked.  Moving slightly to the side of the anthropologist, he sat
down so he had a better view of Blair's face.

The pain that the younger man was feeling was plainly evident across his
features.  Blair's deep blue eyes were still moist from the tears of just a
few minutes before.  There were worry lines creasing the normally smooth
skin of his forehead, and his mouth was twisted into a severe frown.   All
in all, Blair was a portrait of misery.

"Blair, I don't want to press you, but sometimes it's easier when you talk
things out."  

A ghost of a smile crossed the beautiful face.  "Hey, that's usually my
line." Blair said with a soft chuckle.

The older man couldn't help but grin at the comment.  He waited for Blair to
continue, but no words were forthcoming.  With a heavy sigh, Steven mentally
reviewed what he knew about the situation between his brother and his former
roommate.  'They must have had one hell of an argument for them to still not
be talking to each other.  But why?  Blair seemed excited about the job, and
Jim had encouraged him to take it every step of the way.  Was that it?
Maybe Blair didn't want to take the job and Jim pushed him into it. Or did
Jim actually expect Blair to turn down the position?  Maybe he wanted Blair
to keep chasing him around like a puppy on police cases.  Whatever happened,
it must have been bad. 

While Steven was mentally speculating on the cause of the rift between the
other two men, Blair was trying to draw some of his own conclusions.  No
stranger to therapy, he knew that he *needed* to talk about this.   Sleeping
with Jim had rocked the young man straight down to his foundations.   All of
his perceptions of himself, and of Jim for that matter, had been altered in
that one night.  Or had they?  The Sentinel had taken nothing more than what
Blair had given, then had offered himself to his Guide in return. What
exactly had happened?  Was this more a question about sexuality, or was it
simply two friends expressing their love in the most sincere way possible?  

Blair had spent the entire five days of his trip mulling the same questions
over and over.  Had it been a mistake?  Why else had Jim turned away from
him the following morning?  Deep down, the anthropologist knew that he could
never find the answers alone. Despite the embarrassment he would feel, Blair
was well aware that he needed someone to confide in about what had happened
that night.  

Had he been back in Cascade, he could have turned to one of his friends from
the university.  Blair had tried calling a couple of them that would have
understood his problem; however, it was between semesters and everybody had
been out either on vacation, or making preparations for the new semester.
There was no way in hell that he could talk to any of the guys from the
police department about it.  Somehow, he couldn't see Simon or Joel being
too sympathetic to the situation.  Naomi was unreachable, off on a yearly
spiritual retreat in South America.  And, Jim, well that was pretty self
explanatory. 

But could he trust Steven, Jim's own brother?  Would telling him about that
night damage the newfound relationship the siblings had worked so hard to
establish?  Even though Blair was aware that Steven was much more liberal in
his thinking than Jim, the anthropologist was unsure of Steven's feelings on
homosexuality.  Yet Steven knew his brother and, more importantly, could
offer an impartial opinion -- providing of course, that he wasn't initially
repulsed by what had happened.

Turning to face the man in question, Blair sought out the blue eyes that met
his own.  Although the two Ellison brothers were very different physically,
Jim getting his looks and build from their father, while Steven took after
their mother; they shared the same
eyes, a soft pale blue that made Blair think of the sky in summer.  The
younger man was reminded of the millions of times he had looked into another
pair of eyes that exact  same shade for comfort and reassurance.

Recognizing the fact that he once again had Blair's full attention, Steven
spoke.  "I know that something happened with Jim before you left."  The
older man was stunned when the color began to drain away from Blair's face.
"Did you two have a fight or something?"

The relief that crossed that ever expressive face was plainly visible.
Blair snorted out a quick laugh, somehow glad that Steven hadn't been able
to guess what had really taken place before the younger Ellison had arrived
with breakfast that morning.  Trying to build up his courage, Blair mumbled
out a response.  "Or something." 

The confused look that swept across Steven's features stole away some of
Blair's resolve.  He stood up quickly and moved to the small window beside
the door.  Taking a deep breath, he clarified his answer.  "It wasn't
exactly a fight, Steven." 

"Then what happened?" Steven asked as Blair turned back to face him.  The
anthropologist remained silent for so long Steven began to believe that his
question would never be answered.  He watched as a pained expression
appeared on the normally bright face.  

He stared at his host, as if he could will an explanation from the younger
man, but it was no use, Blair's smoky blue eyes dropped away from his own.
The minutes ticked away, until he finally thought the conversation was over.

Standing up, he moved to Blair and placed a hand on the flannel clad arm.
"I don't want you to think that I'm forcing you to talk about this.  If you
want to talk, just come wake me up.  I won't mind, I promise." Steven spoke
as gently as he could.  Nodding a good night, he turned away from the
younger man and headed back towards the bedroom.  

"Jim and I slept together the night before I left."

The quiet words froze the older man dead in his tracks.  Slowly he turned
back around. "Slept together?" Steven asked slowly.  Redness rose from
Blair's neck straight to the roots of his long wavy hair, leaving him the
color of a boiled lobster.  The anthropologist nodded his head ever so
slightly in confirmation while keeping his gaze on the wooden floor beneath
his feet.  With that kind of response, there was no mistaking the meaning of
what Blair had said.

"Jesus."  Steven exclaimed as he tried to process this new turn of events.
Whatever explanation he had expected the younger man to offer, that
particular choice hadn't even been considered.   Jim?  The most inhibited
heterosexual man on the planet.  And Blair? The perpetual babe magnet; the
kid who always had a girl on his arm and another waiting in the wings.  'How
in the hell did this ever happen?' Steven thought to himself.  

While Steven was working through the question, Blair had raised his glance
in an attempt to judge his friend's reaction.  'Please don't let me have
driven him away,' Blair begged silently.  He carefully monitored the older
man's face, using it to determine what Steven was thinking.  What was in
reality only a few seconds seemed like an eternity to Blair as he watched
the pale blue eyes turn from pure shock to amazement, and then finally into
compassion.

"Do you want to tell me what happened, Blair?"

For the first time in what seemed like forever, the younger man managed to
keep from crying as he recounted the story from the beginning.  Not wanting
to get into specifics, he abridged the sexual descriptions, merely
mentioning that things had gotten 'pretty serious' during the course of the
evening.  He let Steven draw his own conclusions about the details.  Blair
was careful to illustrate just how significant the declarations of love had
been to both of them.  

For his part, Steven was absolutely dumbfounded.  He could do nothing but
listen in shocked silence as the tale was told.  Just as Blair had hoped,
Steven was able to figure out that they had pretty much run the sexual
gauntlet that night.  The main problem he was experiencing  was accepting
the fact that the person the younger man was talking about was Jim.

By the time Blair had told the entire story, Steven's feelings of shock had
transformed into anger.  After a fifteen year silence for a teenaged
transgression, he knew better than most just how cold, stubborn, and
unfeeling his brother could be.  However, Steven was certain that his own
situation was nothing like the one Blair was in now, and it was up to him to
try to help.

"I...I can't pretend to understand why he...why you...well," he shook his
head, unable to even say the words aloud.  "To be honest, nothing even
remotely like that has ever happened to me.  I don't know what to tell you,
except that you and Jim, well, as long as I've known you, you've never had a
normal...no, that's not what I'm trying to say.  What I mean is that your
friendship with him has always been...special."

A mix of hurt and anger crossed Blair's face.  "Sure, that's why he treated
me like shit after we...,"  he couldn't bring himself to finish the thought.
"It wasn't like we had all the time in the world to talk about it, either.
He knew I *had* to leave.  Some friendship."

"Blair, think about it.  You know Jim better than anybody, myself included.
He's never been able to deal with big emotional scenes.  Come on, you *know*
that.  For Christ's sake, it took him three years to tell you he loved you.
We all knew that."

Cynicism and self-reproach were dripping from the anthropologist's voice
when he responded.  "Yeah, well if his idea of love is treating me like a
cheap whore, then you can count me out." 

Steven could do nothing but sigh.  "Blair, think about it.  You said that
Jim told you he had never, well, never slept with another guy before,
right?"  The long curls bounced as the younger man nodded his head in
agreement.  "Don't you think Jim was a little shocked when he woke up?  I
mean you know how he can be, so...,"  he paused to find the right term.

"Stubborn?  Pig-headed?  Always right?  Unemotional?  Conservative?
Republican?" Blair said with a smile, knowing that Steven fit the last barb
to a 'T'.

"And the problem with that would be?"  Steven joked.  "Seriously, though,
when Jim doesn't know how to deal with something..."

"...he closes himself off from it."  Blair completed the thought.  Suddenly,
the anthropologist was angry; at Jim for shutting him out, and at himself
for not thinking of this possibility.  'I know Jim better than he knows
himself, how could I have missed something so obvious?' he fumed to himself.

"Because you were too close to it this time,"  Steven said softly.
Startled, Blair looked up and wondered if he had spoken his thoughts aloud.
Seeing the unasked question in the bright blue eyes, the older man answered
it.  "Your face.  I wonder how you can be such a good poker player when it's
so easy to read your expressions."

Raising his eyebrows, Blair quipped.  "Trade secret, man.  I'd tell you, but
then I'd have to kill you."  

After sharing a tense laugh, there was a long pause as both men gathered
their thoughts.  
Finally Blair spoke.  "I hope this hasn't, like, freaked you out or anything."

"If you mean has this changed my opinion of either you or Jim, then the
answer is no.  I've never been homophobic."  Steven answered.

A reflective look crossed the anthropologist's face.  "You know, it's weird,
but since it happened, I haven't really thought about myself as 'gay' or
'bi' or whatever you want to call it.  I mean technically, yeah, but...I
don't think I could ever do that with any other guy except Jim."

The words brought a new question into Steven's mind.  He hesitated slightly,
not wanting to press the younger man, but it was too important not to ask.
"Blair, would you...um...I mean, would you sleep with Jim again, if you had
the chance?"

'Would I do it again?  In a heartbeat, but only if Jim wanted it, too,' he
thought to himself.  Looking up, he saw Steven waiting for an answer.
Hiding the truth from his friend he spoke quietly.  "After what happened
this time?  I don't know.  Right now, I just want my friend back." Blair
whispered to Steven.  

"I don't think you ever lost him." Steven said 

Blair arched a single eyebrow.  "I wish I could be sure of that.  What if he
is still upset about this?  As long as I've known him, he's never been as
cold to me as he was Sunday morning."  

Steven could almost see the uncertainty beginning to creep back into the
younger man's thoughts.   "I don't know, I seem to recall an occasion or two
where you got in a jam and Jim was pretty upset that he had to bail you out
of it."

"Yeah, my Blessed Protector." Blair chuckled.

Having been told the story of exactly how Jim had acquired that particular
title, Steven laughed a bit himself.   Blair had always had a knack for
finding trouble, just as his older brother seemed to have a special ability
to be in the right place at the right time to rescue the younger man.
Despite his best intentions, he felt his envy of Blair's position in his
brother's life rear its ugly head.    

"You know, I was jealous of you the first time I saw you."  Steven admitted.
"We were at the racetrack the night of that murder.  You were standing next
to Jim while he was talking to Simon.  Jim came over and talked to me for
about two seconds before he gave me the royal brush off.  When you two
walked away, he called you 'Chief.'"  Blair's face lit up as he heard the
familiar nickname.  "Every time I saw the two of you together after that,
saw how close you were, it hurt more and more.  Jim treated you like a
little brother while me he accused of murder."

Now Blair was puzzled.  "If you disliked me so much, why did you come to my
office?"

Making this admission was going to be painful, but Steven knew that Blair
needed to hear it.  It was plain to see that the younger man's
self-confidence had been rocked by his older brother's actions the week
before; he only hoped that what he was about to say would help bolster
Blair's self-esteem.  

"I knew that I would need your help in trying to make amends with Jim, and
you gave it. You came up with a master plan to help Jim and I get to know
each other again. You took the time to get to know me as a person, so that
you could help Jim find common ground with me."  Not so distant memories
floated to the surface of times spent just talking with the anthropologist
about his estranged brother.  Using his knowledge of the two siblings, Blair
had been a information pipeline that the Ellison brothers used to learn
covertly about each other. 

"The more time I spent with you, the more I saw what Jim sees in you; you
have this air of...I don't know...freedom, I guess.  You care so much about
those around you, you're always willing to help people.  Look at me.  I know
that you must have seen me as a threat to your friendship with Jim.  But you
helped me anyway, and for that I can't thank you enough.  You know the
ironic part, though?  There has never been a day in my entire life when I
have ever been as close to Jim as you are right now at this minute."
Steven's tone was soft as he admitted his feelings.

"Steven, man, I hate to burst your bubble here, but after the cold shoulder
I got last Sunday...,"  Blair trailed off as a new thought entered his mind
"...if he's so torn up, why hasn't he tried to call me.  He knows where I am."

Taking a deep breath for patience, Steven offered his own opinion.  "Maybe
Jim just isn't sure what to say.  I'm sure he knows that he really messed up
last Sunday.  He's probably more worried that you're pissed at him.
Besides, in case you haven't noticed, he's always had a hard time with
making apologies."  Steven was speaking from his own experiences.

Blair thought over what the older man had just said.  Getting the Sentinel
to talk about *anything* was like pulling teeth, it had to be pried out of
the older man.  Shell-shocked himself over everything that had happened,
Blair hadn't made much of an effort to break through Jim's emotional
defenses.  Still, a part of him worried that their friendship was truly
over.  Maybe it was better to wait until Jim reached out to him. 

'Like that would ever happen.' Blair thought to himself miserably.

Seeing that Blair needed some time to process everything they had discussed,
Steven gave the younger man a hug for support before saying goodnight.  As
he crossed the living area to the bedroom he offered one last piece of
advice.  "Don't let it get any worse, Blair.  You need him just as much as
he needs you." 

Blair reached out and turned off the television, leaving him alone in the
darkness pondering what he should do.