Go into the library and find any hardcover kids book from the 80's and most likely it will have a strong smell, like that of vomit. I accidently saw a kids book from 1985 about breakdancing sitting on the shelf and checked it out. I could not even read this book because it smelled like vomit and was making me sick and at the time I was trying to read it, I was eating rice. I knew I would have to complain to the library about this travisty. My original theory was that since most of these books were for stupid people, the morons threw up on all the books, one at a time. However, upon further investigation, you will most likely not find any physical signs of vomit such as spots on the pages. I smelled the book again, incase I was wrong, and it was definitley vomit. My next theory was that it could be the ink on the pages, but I proved that wrong when I noticed the smell was on the pages without any ink or print. Possibly the smell could have rubbed off on the blank pages, since they were all in one book together. Could it just be something in the pages? Finally I came to the hypothesis, my educated guess, that these books were all made from recycled paper that people threw up on. But I still needed to prove this to make it a fact, so I brought the book to a librarian at the Kirkwood Highway library in Newark and instructed her to "here, smell this book lady" and try to guess what it was. She refused at first but I helped to convince her by holding it up to her face and asking her if it smelled like throw up to her and she said it did and that I would have to pay for the book. I confidently told her that I was not the individual who soiled this book, and began to tell her some of my theories. She billed the book to me anyway. I suggested that she should sniff other books from the library that I did not even check out, but she refused and she says I can't check out anymore books until I pay the $6. Well, I told her, this is an outrage, I do not even have $6 because I spent all of my money on a porn clearance sale at the Adult Book Store. I was only trying to do a scientific study on library books and instead I am now forced to pay for a book that smells like vomit that I didn't even read. That is why I need you to sign my petition to get her fired and for the library to make me Reader of the Month so I can get a free bookmark. I do not think this is too much to ask.
Thursday July 3
Chris, Marcel and Rachel with the SWIFT truck
Today was the SWIFT truck driver picnic. I had to stay up all night. Flower Soup played last night and we didn't get home till 5 am, so Rachel, Marcel and Chris stayed at my house and we all took the SWIFT truck out today. We had to take our big truck to Rehobeth Beach in lower Delaware where are the farmers are. For our picnic I brought animal plates and cans of corn. We didn't know what we had in the trailer but told the other drivers we were hauling pocket pussies. It turned out to be bird seed for farmers.
Chris was standing up in the passenger seat mooning the other truck drivers. Then we'd say on the CB "look at that idiot in the SWIFT truck, he can't even keep his pants on." When we were stopped at a red light in front of a gas station there were 3 girls standing in front of their car and Chris yelled, "hey girls look at this," and they all waved and he whipped his dick out and showed them, then mooned them. I'm glad I was there to see that.
None of the other drivers were being very helpful with directions, so I had to sexually harass them for not getting me to my destination. We tape recorded ourselves on the CB. I said, "I was in the men's room at the truck stop and this SWIFT driver leaned over my urinal and tossed a penny into my pee, I asked him driver what are you doing, he said I'm making a wish, I asked him what did you wish for, he said I wish you'd bend over, then he raped me in the truck stop men's room, it felt real nice." Truck drivers hate SWIFT so much, and I can't really blame them. We told them SWIFT stands for, "So What I'ma Fruity Truckdriver", this guy replied, "no it stands for Stupid White Ignorant Fucking Truckdriver and that's what you is boy." I heard a good SWIFT joke today. What do you get when you have 365 SWIFT drivers in a room together? One year's experience. When we got to Rehobeth we couldn't find the street, and we didn't feel like getting the load there on time anyway. We pulled the Freightliner behind an Outback steak house and blocked the entrance to the parking lot so nobody could get in and left the truck there. Everybody would just assume we're making a delivery there. We went across the street and waited for the bus. I didn't know where it was going to go but thought it would be a good idea to ride it anyway. It ended up going to some empty parking lot in the bus terminal. The bus driver said this was the last stop and we had to get off now. It turned out to be a park and ride parking lot, where people park there cars and go to the beach. I had to go pee and the bathrooms had these funny looking urinals. I took a picture of Marcel peeing in one. As I was taking his picture, a bus driver walked in and saw us. There were a few other buses there but all the bus drivers were out walking around. We hopped on an empty bus and waited to be brought somewhere new. It went to a couple of neighborhoods but after we waited for the bus to drive all over the city, it went to the boardwalk.
Everybody wandered off and I got lost. I began going through the trash and I found an apple. I saved it to throw out of the SWIFT truck. When I got back Marcel and Chris were talking to some girl in a bikini. She said it was her birthday yesterday and she just turned 14. I told her she could have this apple for a birthday present. She told me to leave her alone. Chris asked her if she wanted to take a ride in a SWIFT truck, but then her dad came out of the store and we had to run away. We didn't have a bus schedule and an old lady told me the bus wasn't coming for an hour, but I had a feeling she was lying to me. Some guy was offering people a ride back to their cars for $4. I think that's what he said, but it didn't make any sense. We asked him to drive us back and he said no, he didn't want us in his car. We tried walking back, but didn't know the way. Then a bus came by and we got on and rode back to the big truck. We eventually dropped the bird seed off about 4 hours late, but that didn't really seem to matter.
We had to drop the truck off in the SWIFT terminal by Lancaster PA in a town called Lick-Dale, an appropriate name for SWIFT trucks to be in. Me and Rachel had to follow Marcel and Chris in a car so we'd have a way back, so we played Smokey and the Bandit. That's another thing truck drivers hate, because they hate 4 wheelers with CB radios. Our CB's have lots of extra things on them that most other CB's don't have because they're illegal. We got some crazy old guy in a CB shop to sadder chips into the inside of the CB's to make them walk over other drivers (that's talking over them with a more powerful signal) and have amps hooked to them so they're really loud. When we were sitting in the SWIFT terminal, a guy on the CB said, "Is that a SWIFT truck terminal or a gay club with a lot of truck parking?" Then we had to drive from Lancaster PA all the way back to Elkton, MD to the TA truckstop to get Marcel's car, which took about 2 hours. When we got there, somebody had stuck a poloroid picture of a guy's dick under Marcel's windshield wiper. It was probably a SWIFT driver.
Today we were going to go to Hershey Park, which is about 2 hours away from Newark, so we brought the CB radio to talk to all the truck drivers. First we had to stop at the bank in Elkton, Maryland, one of the most redneck, white trash cities on the East Coast. The KKK are from Elkton and Rising Sun, MD. So as soon as we get in, this good old boy in a cop car starts following us. Rachel pulled into a gas station hoping he'd go away, but no such luck and he followed us in. He says "You were doing 45 in a 25," which was a total lie, since the speed limit was 35 and she was doing 30. He tells us to wait there and then he sits in his car for 10 minutes until 2 cop car backups arrive. Then he gets brave and comes over screaming, "I'm going to check this car and see if ya'll gots any drugs," talking like an inbred out of the movie Deliverance. Seeing how the cops act in Elkton explains why the Maryland state song is Dueling Banjos. These 2 pigs get out and stand around us with their arms crossed thinking they look tough as they all start bullying us around, the way all law enforcement are trained to do. He calls the other cop over saying, "oh I found cocaine on the seat! I found cocaine!" Then he goes, "oh that's just salt." Then he opens our lunch bag and goes, "whats all deez here baggies for? Drugs?" I said "lunch." Then he picks up my jacket and starts reading it. He sees the pin, "Fuck the Republican Party," and goes, "what's this mean boy, ya'll don't like Republicans?" He dumped my book bag and found nothing. I said can we go to the bank, they're getting ready to close. He says in his redneck accent, "ya'all ain't going nowhere, I think you's got drugs on you. I'm going to search you." Then he makes me stand against the car with my hands on the hood and starts laughing to his pig buddies and says, "spread em boy". He empties my pockets, then takes my wallet, and starts going through it, pulling my cards out, and walks away with it so the other cops can look thru it. Then he says, "so you's from Newark? What part?" Newark is a tiny town that you can drive thru in under 5 minutes. I said, "what part? the Newark part." They kept us there about 45 minutes for nothing than says, "I didn't find nothing, but ya'all ain't getting away this easy. I'm writing you a $60 speeding ticket," even though we were going under the 35 mph speed limit. Then we just wanted to the bank, because by now we've got 5 minutes before they close. And smokey follows us all the way there. Then he makes us pull over again and says, "when I was going thru your car, my sunglasses fell off my head, I needs to find em." Turns out he still had them on his head and the pig was so stupid he forgot to look in the mirror. We were like, "they're on your forehead." I hope he gets shot in the line of duty tonight, the stupid pig.
After the bank, we began driving to Lancaster. Lancaster is all hills and cornfields with Amish people in horse and buggies on all the roads. All trips go by faster with a CB. I said, "Drivers, I'm from New York and I just seen the craziest thing I ever did see. A truck driver in a wooden truck being pulled by a horse. I ran them off the road in my SWIFT truck." SWIFT drivers are the dumbest drivers, since that's where all the new truck drivers go, and they get so mad when you say you drive for SWIFT, so that passes the time really fast. SWIFT trucks are governed at 60 miles per hour, meaning even when you push the pedal to the floor, you can't go over 60. JB Hunt are governed at 62, but no other truck driver is governed at all. I was asking the truck drivers, "Can you guys tell me how to take this governor off my truck so I can do 75 thru the work zone? I got a wrench but I'm not sure what to unscrew." The joke is you can't take the governor off, so all the other drivers go, "SWIFT drivers are so dumb." Then when they really do see a SWIFT truck they all start laughing at him and the driver doesn't know why. I was on the directions channel saying, "I'm hauling a bunch of tampons and I'm trying to get to Ohio, am I close?", which I wasn't, and this guy says, "Driver you're a long way from Ohio, you really got yourself lost," and another driver replies, "that mother fucker ain't lost, he's just stupid."
Even though weather.com promised today would be hot with no chance of rain, it poured rain almost all day. It has been raining close to 2 months straight in Delaware and Pennsylvania. So at Hershey Park we had to stay in the arcades most of the time. We were dumpster diving and going thru the trash cans to see what the tourists threw away and this old lady saw us and gave us the meanest look and wouldn't stop staring. Rachel pulled out a bag and said "look there's a soft pretzel inside," and we looked over at the lady, who looked like she was going to throw up. Then I started eating it in front of her. I don't mind eating food from the trash. We also found some abandoned french fries in a cup and ate them.
A little after 9pm we walked past the amphitheater and saw a guy with one arm juggling bowling pins. We went in and it turns out there is a whole family of jugglers. They were called the Boner Family Juggling goofs. It was 2 oldies with 9 kids and the one with no arm was named Tripod. They had young daughters who kept "accidently" pulling up their skirts (they were wearing white panties). They were selling posters of themselves for $1 and we tried to wait around to meet them but some guy who looked like Cliff Clavin started yelling at us to get out. When we left we rode the tram to the parking lot and everybody was talking about how Boston were playing tonight. The lady on the tram CB said "tomorrow - Chicago". We could hear them pretty good from the back of the parking lot, so we drove to the concert area and parked in front of it and we could hear them perfectly. They weren't very good. Boston gave themselves 2 encores and the singer said, "That's royalty!" Who knows what he meant. We saw Winger last summer at Hershey Park and after they were done, Kip Winger said, "that was awesome!" referring to his band. Boston sort of sounded like Warrant, but not as good. They kept saying things like, "Come on, Hershey PA, let's party all night," and before the second encore they said, "we had to come back because we forgot something - we had to give you some more rock n roll!" We waited for them to play the only song I knew by them, "More Than A Feeling," but they never did. I can only assume they forgot how to play it. Then some drunk guy was walking thru the parking lot, barely able to walk, screaming, "woooo Boston rules!" Rachel hung out the window and yelled back "yeah Boston rules" and he came up to the car and started tapping on the window and said, "We're in a band called Black Fate (I think that's what he said), come see us play. We opened up for Skid Row and Molly Hatchet. Come up and have a good time!" He was mumbling so I didn't hear where or when they were playing. Then all these people started leaving so we figured it was over. It was a diverse crowd of middle aged couples in mini vans and guys with big mustaches wearing camouflage with their fists in the air yelling, "yeahhhh BOSTON!". This one guy had on blue jeans and his crotch was noticeably wet and he was yelling, "Boston was so good I pissed my pants dude!" I asked him if Boston was good and he said, "yeah, they really rocked." On the way home I was talking on the CB more, but Rachel got mad at me because I was being too annoying so she took my CB privileges away. THE END
