The same way many young children in other countries dream of someday living in America, I someday plan to live in Tijuana, Mexico when I grow up. Over the summer, The Grand Pene and myself were lucky enough to take a weekend trip there. The best thing about Tijuana is EVERYTHING is legal there. Not that I support all that goes on there, but if you can dream it, you can do it in Tijuana. Prostituion is totally legal. Sex with minors is welcomed! Drugs and alcohol are sold in grocery stores. Men AND women walk around totally naked 24 hours a day. There is no school. You're not required to work. You can get married at any age. And everything there is so cheap, it's almost free. 500 pasos in Tijuana is equal to like a dollar here, and you can eat for a month on 20 pasos. So we only brought $5.00 and still came home with a ton of suvineers. Naked kids kept trying to sell us M&M's for half a paso and the cops don't even care if you carry automatic weapons on the sidewalk. In fact, murder is legal there. The maxium penalty for killing someone is a fine of 10 pasos, which in America is less than a nickle. Isn't that insane? Of course, it does have it's disadvantages. People kept trying to kill us. But we didn't care because they were weak from only eatting tacos, so they couldn't do us much damage. And all they drink there is tequilia, which is a gross super strong whiskey with worms in it. Actual water is very rare in Tijuana. So we had to bring our own. Did you ever hear the old saying, "Don't drink the water in Mexico?" That's because tequila comes out of the kitchen sink. And it's just like one big desert with hookers everywhere. And all they do for fun is go bullfighting all day, where they wave a red cape and drop safes on bull's heads. And all these little kids try to sell you cigars and tequillia, and all these prostitutes try to do it to you for a paso. They don't even make you wear condoms, because they don't speak english. And they're really easy to fool down there. If you say stuff like, "Amigo, senior", and "Taco Bell, run for the border, see, see, deported", they seem to think you're a mexican too. I told this one guy the Grand Canyon was in France and called him a mexican jumping bean, and he believed me he really was one. It would have even been funnier if he spoke English and knew what I said. And all they do is listen to Ritchie Valenzez and walk around all day mumbling the lyrics to La Bamba and talking about tacos and calling each other Jesus and saying stuff about their familes being deported or something. I could never understand them because even though I bought a translation book, I traded it to a prostitute for a taco and some sweet lovin! And Juan Valdez is the president and his face is on all the designer jeans. And all these little kids keep trying to sell you coffee beans and burritoes and nachos are very cheap. But I never drank any coffee over there, because they made it with tequillia. In fact, one mexican senior even told me they never heard of water in Tijuana. Either that, or he called me a cocksucker, but I couldn't understand him because I don't really speak the language. And they have cops, but they don't do anything because you're not allowed to be arrested in Tijuana. We even hit some mexican family with our truck and didn't even help them up, and I don't think we got in trouble. And it's weird because everybody thinks America is in Europe, and they call it "run for the border" and all they do over there is talk about how prostitution is legal and eat tacos and drink tequilla and build shrines to Marv Albert and Juan Valdez and eat rice and refried beans and talk about how America is in California and dream up ways to sneak into our country and sell illegal fruit to tourists and wear sombraros and do Mexican Hat Dances all day and eat hot tamolies and sing La Bamba. But it's cool because everything is legal there.