Once upon a time there lived a horny perverted man named Jesus Christ.
Jesus was well known in the town of Jerusalem for having sex with
children and even forcing himself on young women and small boys from
time to time. He spent all of his money from his carpentry job on
Polaroid film he used for pornography and renting out cheap hookers.
He'd hang around the men's locker room and say, "Come here boy, boy,
boy, and let the son of God take a picture of your ass!" And the town
folks were getting really tired of him doing all their kids because the
reason they had kids is so they could do it to them themselves. So that
Sunday, King Herod ordered Jesus to remain celibate, and the only sex he
was allowed to have was from masturbation... which became known as
"palm" Sunday. So of course Jesus got angry and tried to karate chop
them all like Bruce Lee. And he'd stand in front of people's homes
saying, "Send your little children naked unto me, or I shall crane kick
your ass like Mr. Miyagi in the Karate Kid, biatch!" Jesus's reign of
sex terror had the town living in fear, so they called in a martial arts
expert known as Caiaphas (kie a fass) to challenge Jesus in a karate
match to the death. So Jesus said, "Ok cool, we'll fight, but no
weapons", and Caiaphas was all like "Sure man, no weapons", but Caiaphas
had his fingers crossed. And as the legend goes, they began to fight,
and they say Jesus had superior karate skills, but before he even got a
chance to kick his ass, Caiaphas screamed, "Quick guy's, grab his
hands... I brought a cross!" And Jesus was like, "You lying bitch, you
totality tricked me!" So that Thursday, they duct taped Jesus up to a
cross, and Christ was all like "Oh ok, I'm up here really secure, I'll
never get down. You can all go home now. I mean, I'll still be here in
the morning." But then when they were all gone, Jesus ripped the duct
tape off and ran away. This was known as the first April Fool's joke.
Then he snuck into Caiaphas's house and anally raped him. And Caiaphas
was like, "You little bitch, how did you get down off that cross?" and
Jesus screamed, "Got ya! Now I am going to destroy your village and
have my way with all your kids!", but before he could, the guards came
and hauled Christ away. Caiaphas said, "Ok, wiseguy, the duct tape
isn't tough enough for a tough guy like you, huh? How about I use nails
this time!" And Jesus was like, "Oh sorry man, you know I was only
joking, the duct tape was strong enough, put it back on me. I promise I
won't escape this time." And Caiaphas said, "No way dude, you fool me
once, shame on you! But you fool me twice, shame on me!" and he nailed
Jesus up to a cross like a little bitch. Well needless to say, Jesus
was getting pissed. So they threw him in a cave and blocked the
entrance with a giant rock and told him to think about all the kids he
did it to. And he said to himself, "Goddamn, now how am I gonna get out
of THIS one?" But just then he heard the voice of an angel that said,
"Daaaa, hellll-lo Jee-zuz" It was Grimace! Jesus said, "Grimace, I'm
totality glad to see you, get these nails out of my hands!" Grimace
said, "Daaaa, maybe I can be of some service to you. We both wanna get
out of this cave, right? Well, I've got a plan..." So Grimace hooked
up a film projector and a big spotlight and told Jesus, "Ok, when I
shine this on you, a reflection of your image will shoot out of the hole
of the cave and into the sky and look like you're flying. Then while
you distract everybody, I'll move the rock so we can get out of here."
So Grimace shined the light on Jesus and his reflection was right up in
the sky, and he said, "Pretend you're various animals to keep them
entertained", but Jesus was like, "No, I have a funnier idea. I'm gonna
make them think I resurrected from the dead," and they both started
laughing. So Jesus was like, "Oh look at me, I was dead, but now I'm
alive! Boo! I'm a ghost and I'm going to haunt you all! Woooo, I'm
the son of God, look at me go!" And as he did his goofy puppet show,
Grimace moved the boulder blocking the door and yelled, "Let's make a
break for it!" So Jesus told the crowd, "Ok, Dad says I have to go wash
the dishes now, but as a punishment for killing me, I am going to steal
all your kids and replace them with colored eggs!" So as Grimace and
Jesus ran out of the cave giggling like school girls, they snuck into
each house along the way and Jesus captured the kids, as Grimace placed
one colored egg in a basket of hay for each kid they took. Then they
both snuck down to Tijuana, Mexico where they knew they'd be safe and
sodomized all of the kids until Monday morning. Well, over time,
popular legend has changed to make Jesus more of a saint then the
convicted sex offender that he was, and for some reason people seem to
think that Grimace was a big talking, colored bunny rabbit, but the
truth of their perverted kiddie sex adventures lives on every Easter
morning when hungry children around the world wake up to find a basket
with the candy that Jesus used to lure the kids into his bed and the
colored eggs that Grimace used to replace the children that he stole for
himself.
