I constantly write Dutch Wonderland letters but they rarely reply to me.
Here are some of the letters I've sent to Dutch Wonderland since Hershey Park bought them. I received one response to my first letter that they didn't know what I was talking about but would get back to me. I send about one letter a week. Here are some of my favorites.
Dutch Wonderland,
I am wondering if you can confirm for me if Dutch Wonderland inventor Earl Clark is dead or not. I remember meeting him last summer but now I hear he is dead. I find this very bizarre. If Mr. Clark is indeed dead, can you confirm or deny weather the Amish murdered him? I have heard they have been out to get him since the 60's. One final rumor I hope you can clear up for me, if Earl Clark is indeed dead, I have heard that his body is going to be exhumed and sold on Ebay for charity. My question is what is the charity it will be sold for? I originally heard that it was to raise money for illiterate children but my cousin, Rico, told me the money is going to be used to fund the war and I guess I just don't find that as noble as teaching dumb kids to read. Please respond quickly because I have a short attention span and also can you send me one of those free maps that I saw in the lobby and also can you pay postage for it? Send my love to the Widow Clark.
To Dutch Wonderland,
Last year my daughter was playing a game where you throw a ball at a stack of bottles. The girl behind the counter told us they lost the balls and made my daughter use a rock. My daughter threw it and the bottles smashed, and a broken piece of glass blinded my daughter. The girl behind the counter, I didn't remember to ask her name, but this girl behind the counter, she then insisted my daughter did it wrong and would not give her the prize. My daughter has gone through many months of intense therapy, but when she heard you were installing 2 new rides, she began to walk again. My daughter's name is Victor.
Dear Dutch Wonderland,
I had season passes last summer and have already bought a season pass for 2003. I am writing to ask about the 2 new rides you are "putting in". I have heard that they might be 2 new "kiddie rides". If this is the case I will become "very angry" with Dutch Wonderland. I will rip my season pass in half and throw it into the moat you have in front of your "castle gift" shop. Please add 2 new roller coasters. Also add one of those electric chairs that electrocutes you if you put in a quarter. Kids like stuff like that. When I was younger I would stick my tongue in light sockets with wet hair. I now have a job in Congress. I have only bought one "season pass" so far, one for me, and if you put in good rides I will buy them for my 7 kids, my "wife" and my maid. If you don't I will rip my season pass in half. Also I think the dive team should get promotions to management.
Dear Dutch Wonderland,
The damnest thing happened last summer, I was at the snack stand trying to eat and I ordered some nachos, Some punk ass kid behind the counter starts getting all defensive yelling at me that they don't sell nachos, he said what does this look like, does it look like Mexico? Ok then I decided to push this punk out of my way and get the nachos myself, Just as I was walking behind your counter I saw a mouse. I kicked it, but my leg went out from under me and I fell on my back and the mouse ran away. This kid began kicking me in the chest and calling me by racial slurs, all this time my youngest son Gregory Jr. was watching. He burst out in tears, and I felt like a complete jackass for going to all this trouble getting him nachos when all he asked for is a snowcone. By the way, we saw your "Great all American" diving show, and one of the guys named Sammy had a continuous boner the whole show.
Dear Dutch Wonderland,
My name is Earl Clark. I understand that the boy who created your park also shares my name. I find this very offensive, for I do not wish to be associated with a dead person, if in fact he is dead. How dare you sirs? How dare you use MY name, Earl Clark, at such a trivial business such as an amusement park. I find this business practice of yours choosing random names of people and associating them with mascots without their permission to be highly irregular. Could you send me the address to the better business bureau as so I may report you for using my name. Unfortunately, I live in Australia and only read about your version of an Earl Clark from a book in my local library, so I must insist that you pay postage. Also if it is not too much trouble could you include some feathers from your local Pennsylvania birds for my feather collection. I do not find this to be too much to ask of you, as you have used my name without my written consent.
Sincerely,
Richard "Earl Clark" Johnson
