Dutch Wonderland is an Amish amusement park in the tiny city of Lancaster, PA. Epinions is a page where a bunch of jackasses try to pretend they are serious journalists and write their opinions about everything, no matter how unimportant it is. Dutch Wonderland already had a catergory on epinions and I thought it would be rude of me if I didn't contribute something with the word boner in it. Sometimes when I talk on my CB radio I pretend to be Italian and tell the other drivers my name is Mike Cadalliac, so read it with an Italian accent.
Hello all in computer Land, I am here to tell you of my trip last weekend to the Dutch Wonder Land Amish theme park in the little town of Lancaster State. I'm not good at typing and am not sure where all the keys are just yet so bear with me if I type too slow. Well it all started when I was listening to the radio while washing my car, the radio VJ asked the question what ex Van Halen singer had a #1 hit song with I can't drive 55, so I called The radio station of course and told them David "Lee" Roth and he said I was correct and won 4 tickets to this Dutch Wonder Land park, well I am from New York so I said I not know where Pennsylvania is, and he told me you can get maps from on internet. Cool! What do they think of next. Never let it be said us New Yorkers are not smartest people on Earth. So we get there, I mean we took a plane so I did not have to drive my BMW, and took a Taxi, as we call them in NYC to the Dutch Land. Well my first thought is wow this park is so huge maybe we should split up. But my wife reminded me that when we did that last summer our youngest daughter, Bridget, got kidnaped. So I says to my daughter who is 7, I says to her what you wanna ride on daughter? She says to me, she's like can we ride the Lady Gay, and I'm thinking ok what kind of park is this? I mean I'm from New York, we ain't got nothing like that there. Well turns out to be a boat. I said to the family you ride it, I'm going to look around. Some of the antics of the people in Dutch Wonderland can indeed get carried away. One grown man who couldn't win a kermit frog doll in a crane game was repeating the F word in front of my daughter. Another man lost at duck pond, receiving only a small prize, and mooned my family. All I could think of was how can I explain this to my daughter? I didn't wanna ruin the trip for my kids and old lady so I says to them, hey why not go see Great All American High Dive Show. It's these clowns diving into a pool, I'm like is this what I'm paying to see? There was one diver in particular that bothered me by the name of Sammy. He had a very small speedo bikini on with an obviously noticeable boner. My 7 year old daughter asked me what it was. I wasn't sure how to tell her that her Britney Spears styled half shirt was exciting this diver enough to cause what she was seeing. I tell you, it was plum embarrassing. So I'm striking up a chat with the boy at duck pond and I'm like yeah I'll play, here is my one dollar, he's like you get a small. So I says to him, is this game rigged, and I start flipping all the ducks over. He's like each of them ducks is costing you a dollar, so I looked at what I did, and I counted near 18 ducks I flipped. I give the kid a $20 and I says to him keep the change. Then I says to the boy what is the best ride here, he says Church In The Dell, it's a real thrill ride. I was most excited to ride the church in the dell, which I was told by the boy at the duck pond counter, was the best ride in the park. After waiting in line for an exhausting 50 minutes, I noticed I was in line to use the mens room. Angel, the duck pond boy, lied to me about the line. When I paid Angel a repeat visit to ask why he tricked me, he was most uncooperative and splashed duck pond water on my crotch and asked sincerely, why did I pee myself? I told Angel I certainly did not pee myself, what his eyes were gazing at upon my wet crotch was duck pond water that had been splashed on me. I then proceeded to find the park manager to ask how to report employees for pointing me to the wrong ride line. The manager told me I was becoming hostile and offered me a coupon for a free monorail ride if I would pipe down, as he so unpolitely put it. This free monorail ride ticket will do me good, I thought. Then I realized I did not have free tickets for my 2 children, my wife and my wife's seeing eye dog, Bernard. I decided riding the monorail with the family would be too costly so instead we decided to watch the band, called the Bubba Bears. The band turned out to be nothing more than pretend puppets dancing to a pre recorded soundtrack, much like the Nsync concert I taked my daughter to for her first holy communion present. I was getting cranky and the extreme heat wave with temperatures in the low 70s was making me difficult to be around. I snuck off from my family and went to the snack stand where I bought a cup of hot water and cooked myself zantaran beans n rice that I snuck into the park. I felt fine after eating and got on the big ride the Sky Princess. It was only then that I learned I was allergic to zantaran and barfed all over the ride. Unfortunately for the other riders I was in the front seat and my barf covered their face and some went into their mouths. I complained about my allergic reaction to the park manager who refused to compensate me with a free snowcone. Instead he rewarded my misfortune with a free magnet that said I heart intercourse PA. I thought this magnet was in bad taste, but accepted it anyway, for I felt it rude to turn down a gift from a man in uniform. After securing my new magnet safely in my wallet I told the family we will next ride the pipe lines plunger, which is a water ride in a raft. After walking up the 8 flights of stairs to get to the top, I noticed my shoelace was untied, just as i tripped over it, falling down the plunger minus a raft. The water pumped directly from the creek out back was filthy and filled with leaves and twigs, which were now in my teeth and eyes. I decided to complain to the manager, but this time he was not as generous and told me to stop bothering him. I felt I did not have to stop bothering him as I was a park guest, so I shoved him. It was then he had the security guard escort me out of the park. I told him I did not cash in my arcade tickets yet. The guard felt sympathy for me and allowed me to re enter the park. This I felt was fair. I next rode a ride called the giant slide. As I came down the slide I hit head first into a van parked in front of the slide which turned out to be a sponsor for Hershey Park. I felt like I should be compensated for this and began to search for the manager. When I found the manager I simply explained to him how I was inconvienced by the prize counter not having any prizes I liked and also how I bumped into the van. He told me I was banned from the park and that I could not cash in my skee ball tickets ever. I felt threatened by the harsh tone of his voice so I shoved him. This is where things take a turn for the worse, as he asked me where I worked and I told him I'm a GE repairman. He asked for my bosses name and phone number so I politely told him. He then asked if he could borrow my cell phone to call my boss and get me fired. This is where I drew the line so I struck the man with my glove. I was then escorted out of the park and asked not to return. This I found unfair. Have any of you other AOL users ever had trouble like this at an amusement park? Other than the few problems I listed, I highly recommend this Wonder Dutch Park.
