President
Bill Clinton's
Speech
On August 17, 1998, President Bill Clinton gave a speech confessing his sexual relationship
with Monica Lewinski on TV to the American public, as well as the rest of the world, after he
testified about it to Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's grand jury. The purpose of the speech
was since he had already testified under oath, it was bound to come out anyway, so better to hear the
truth from his own mouth than the story mixed with interpreations and false facts from the media. President
Clinton, however, was drunk when giving the speech and it also appears he was on some kind of pep pills
as well. President Clinton not only told the full story, but threw in a bunch of extra stuff most people had probably wished he'd had kept
to himself. The problem was most stations did not air the full speech, but only clips of what he'd said. For those of
us who caught it really live (and not what most stations claimed was live) we felt he did a good job at telling the truth and making
his point. As a public service to the American people, I have transcibed his full speech, word for word, exactly as I heard it. hehe.
Aug. 17, 1998
Good evening.
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified
before the Office of Independent Counsel and the
grand jury.
I answered their questions truthfully, including
questions about my private life, questions no
American citizen would ever want to answer.
Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my
actions, both public and private. And that is why I
am speaking to you tonight.
As you know, in a deposition in January, I was
asked questions about my relationship with Monica
Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate,
I did not volunteer information.
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky
that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It
constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a
personal failure on my part for which I am solely and
completely responsible. But while I'm being honest with you,
the American people, I figured I might as well come totality clean
about everything, before that Nazi, Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr
investigates another personal incident about myself that the American people
could care less about.
I did also have hot anal sex with Ken Starr on several lonley nights, as well as
with my teenage daughter, Chelsea. In fact, the main reason Mr. Starr brought these
absurd charges and this investigation on me is because of our personal relationship.
You see, one night me and Big Kenny, as I like to call him in bed, were tag teaming Chelsea,
and Mr. Starr grew emotionally atached to my daughter. But after he gave her a sexually transmitted
disease known as Chlamydia, I forbid Mr. Starr to continue persuing my daughter sexually, which
is why he began this whole inquisition in the first place.
In fact, I've also had sex with all of Kenneth Starr's children, and I do recall giving several ass licking
rim job's to attorney general, Janet Reno, on more than one occasion. But I'm sure you the American
people are not interested the slightest bit in my personal life and didn't really need that mental picture
scarred into your minds for all eternity. But since tonight I feel the need to be completley honest with ya'll, I
might as well tell you I also had sex with Vince Foster's corpse, as well as with my dog, Buddy, and my cat, Sox.
In fact, one night I snuck Chelsea's whole sorority into the oval office for a rave and made them play with my pecker. Later, I took
several naked poloroids of them and posted them on the internet under "Free Bible Lessons".
But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now
that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or
destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful
action. If you really want to know so bad, one night I do even
remember having sex with a dead deer that I hit with the president mobile, since I'm also into necro bestiality.
However, I'm sure the American people could have done just fine NOT knowing that.
I know that my public comments and my silence
about this matter gave a false impression. I misled
people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that. I also deeply regret
being addicted to heroin, like I am. When I was younger, I had to sell crack cocaine
just to put myself through college and to have some extra spending money to buy hookers, and I
will tell you now, I am very sorry for my actions.
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors.
First, by a desire to protect myself from the
embarrassment of my own conduct. I was also very concerned about protecting my
family. The fact that these questions were being
asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since
been dismissed, was a consideration, too. And as wrong as I was for doing this, I also raped the Pope once.
He just bent over to pick up his roseary, and in went my Presidential wang like a rocket into orbit! No, I'm
not proud of this fact, but I heard Ken Starr was getting ready to subpoena the Pope about the inncident anyway.
And since his holliness is always drunk, and I know he'd throw in a bunch of extra crap anyway, I feel it is much
better that you hear this from me than that holier than thou lush.
In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an
independent counsel investigation that began with
private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I
might add about which an independent federal
agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me
or my wife over two years ago. Also, I figured I'd tell you that Hillary is not only my wife, but
also my sister, my mother, AND my 5th grade teacher, although I did not know this until I was 26 and in
the 5th grade for the 16th time in a row. The independent counsel investigation
moved on to my staff, my shaft, my friends, then into my private life. And
now the investigation itself is under investigation.
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt
too many innocent people. While I'm at it, I might as well tell you I had the CIA kill Santa Claus,
which is why he won't be coming to your house this year. I have also invested $80 billion dollars of the tax payers money
into cloning Richard Simmons, just because I thought it would be increadbly funny to release a thousand of him into the streets
of New York City at midnight...on New Year's Eve...in the year 2000.
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I
love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our
God, Lucifer. I am also heavy into Satan worship and animal
sacrifice, a right that I should point out is indeed covered
by the 1st Amendmant to the Constitution. I must put it right,
and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.
Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is
private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my
family. It's nobody's business but ours and all those innocent people that were
subpoenaed and now will be paying lawyer bills for the rest of their lives so that
Independent Counsel Ken Starr could throw a public temper tantrum like the spoilled little Republican
brat that he is.
Even presidents have private lives. There are just some things about people
that it's best other people don't find out, like the fact I have a secret crush on Ed McMahon
and I used to date the construction worker from The Village People. It is time to stop
the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into
private lives and get on with our national life.
Our country has been distracted by this matter for
too long, and while it's true I've had a little too much to drink tonight and will
probably regret saying most of this when I sober up, I take my responsibility for my part in
all of this. That is all I can do.
Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on.
We have important work to do -- real opportunities
to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters
to face... and I'm wondering how I'm going to get any more women to give me head
in the oval office without getting in trouble again. Dude, this sucks.
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the
spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the
fabric of our national discourse, and to return our
attention to all the challenges and all the promise of
the next American century. And if any women are intrested in being the next
Monica Lewinski, give me a call at the White House or page me. It's ok, I'm not married...I swear.
