These are some funny ass things that I have picked up on the net and heard them from people. Watch out though, some got some very naughty language in 'em. Everyone needs at least one laugh a day, get yours here. This page will constantly be updated so keep coming back!
5-15-99
Things that bother me a little...
When people say,"Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Whatthafuck good is a goddam cake you can't eat? What, should I just let my fuckin cake sit there, and look and look and look, and try to find someone else who has cake, and eat their fucking cake instead?Fuck off.
When people say, "It's always in the last place you look". What the fuck??? Of course it fucking is. Whythefuck would you keep looking after you've already fucking found it? Whothafuck are these people?
When people interupt you while you're watching a movie, and say: "Did you see that???!!!" No, dickhead, I pay $8fuckin50 to come to the fuckin theatre to stare at the back of the fucker's head in front of me. Whatthafuck do YOU come here for?
People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me fuckin choice there, did ya, ya sorry fuck. Hey, do you mind if I shoot you in the fuckin head? Ooops, sorry...
People who POINT at their wrist and ask, "Do you know the time?" Hey, I KNOW where I wear MY fuckin watch buddy, where the fuck do you wear yours? Up your fuckin ass, maybe? Should I point at my fuckin crotch when I ask you where the bathroom is? Or maybe I should just pull out my fuckin dick, and piss on your fuckin leg, you motherfucker.
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."
5-19-99 In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the kindly, white haired, soft-spoken minister leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.
"Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his frikkin' ass to the moon."
"You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store 'tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we ain't got no 'lectricity!"
The other two just howl with laughter.
Brian the Miniature says, "Hell, that ain't nothing -- my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We ain't got no runnin' water!"
That one nearly slayed 'em.
Amanpreet wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Well, I reckon my bride's GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. 'tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers -- hell, she ain't got no dick!"
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congrat- ulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
Brian from the backseat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and Amanpreet's muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
5-24-99
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is
the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and
nobody really bothers him.
One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars".
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.
One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."
Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.
So the teacher called on him. "Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?"
And Abraham said "Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars." And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.
Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business!"
A duck waddles into a bar. He jumps up on a barstool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What can I get for you?"
"I want some grapes," said the duck. "I'm sorry we don't have grapes," replied the bartender. The duck gets mad and quacks up a storm as he leaves.
A couple of weeks later, the bar door gets kicked open and the duck waddles in again. Bartender says what can I do for you. Duck says "I want some grapes." He says that he doesn't have any grapes. So, the duck gets mad and stomps out again.
A few weeks later, the door gets kicked open again and the same duck comes waddling in. Bartender says, "What do you want?" Duck says, "I want some grapes!"
Bartender says,"Look I have now told you three times that we don't have any grapes. If you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I am going to NAIL you bill shut to this bar table!" Duck starts quacking and stomps out.
A week later, the same duck comes in again and jumps up on the bar stool. The bartender says, "What do you want?" The duck says, "Do you have any nails?" Bartender says, "No?" The duck replies, "Good, then I want some grapes!!!"
