i am a survivor.

i have experienced sexual and emotional abuse in childhood and my teen years. unfortunately, i cannot claim to be an exceptional case. if anything i am among a large minority of individuals who have lived through similar (and much worse) events. i have personally read hundreds of stories from other survivors on the net. i am quite certain there are probably thousands, if not tens of thousands, more out there that i have not seen. i am still not ready to share the details of my experience publicly, but i am beginning to understand and accept my responsibility for speaking out about what happened, if not for myself, than for the benefit of others who may be feeling ashamed and alone as i once did. however, rather than dwelling in the past i think at this point it is more important to address the fallout from childhood abuse.

i've always wondered why some people survive abuse apparently unscathed; whereas, others seem permanently scarred by sexual abuse. in psychology, i've learned that individuals are not created equally in this way. Some people are born with stronger endurance abilities; a trait sometimes refered to as hardiness. alternatively, some people are much more sensitive to stressors, and exposure to such overwhelming stress can in turn trigger emotional and physical reactions which further decrease the ability to cope. for example, ongoing exposure to stressors, mild or severe, can ultimately result in impaired physical health, depression, anxiety and numerous other physical and emotional conditions. this is not to say that these individuals are "weaker", as anyone that lives to tell the story of their abuse is strong and has earned the title survivor.

in my case, i guess i was born with a genetic predisposition to anxiety and depression. the abuse i suffered triggered the onset and development of these conditions which i continue to struggle against. in the past, i was guilty of using these problems and the abuse to avoid regaining control of my life. and if i was honest about it, i probably continue this, although to a lesser extent, even today. anxiety and depression, and the memories of abuse helped to create circumstances through which i relinquished all control over my life. probably, the shame of what was done to me and my belief in the necessity of keeping it secret, stole every bit of energy i had, without leaving enough to live my life.

i appeared to function relatively well until my early teen years. naive as i was, i guess i didn't completely understand that many of the things that had happened and that continued to happen were not "normal". when i think about it, i guess the beginning of the worst years started shortly before i turned 15 when i discovered that alcohol helped to take the edge off the pain and anxiety, and made the memories fade away. this relief was short-lived and due to a mixture of my own inability to cope and an unsupportive family atmosphere, i dropped out of school at sixteen. the next seven years or so were spent just trying to survive, halfheartedly, because nothing seemed worth living for anymore.

so, to make a -very- long story shorter... i finally started my healing journey a little over three years ago. this happened only through alot of hard work and alot of support. i guess the largest part of my recovery has been returning to university (and finding an excellent therapist who helped me to rebuild my self-esteem).

if i've learned anything through all this, it is that one can never give up. that doesn't mean that one has to "fake happy" when just getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle. what it does mean is doing your best every day, no matter how much (or little) that may be. learning to be gentle with yourself and giving yourself time to heal. rediscovering and reclaiming what is special about oneself.

i know that's not much to go on. i don't claim to have any of the answers. i only wrote about this because it is such a huge part of who i am today. so please, if you need help, check out the links below. the people at these sites speak much more effectively than myself and i have gained so very much from their sharing and support.
Please note: i have tried to keep this site relatively "trigger-free", but there may be things that are more emotionally charged at other sites. so please please take care of yourself when visiting other links or sites within the webrings. know your limits.

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