Jokebar Archive Seven

Wednesday, Febuary 10th, 1999

A YOUNG MAN once asked God how long a million years was to Him.

God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time."

Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to Him.

God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a penny to you."

Then the young man got his courage up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?"

God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second."

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day...

when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.

She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.

She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

A rather nasty and egotistical man was finally left by his wife,

who then remarried someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness.

When our nasty hero happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically,

"So, how does that new husband of yours like fucking in used pussy?"

"He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part."

Andy Rooneyisms

Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener.

I never knew what that stuff was for.

Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).

That's how they mark their territory.

You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

My wife's from the Mid-west.

Very nice people there.

Very wholesome.

They use words like 'Cripes.'

For Cripe's sake.

Who would that be, Jesus Cripes?

The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'.

I'm not making fun of it.

You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning.

The men wake up aroused in the morning.

We can't help it.

We just wake up and we want you.

And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?'

It's because we can't see you.

We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy:

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking.

They say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?'

I always feel awkward Reaching over there.

Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach.

I don't do that when I have gas.

"Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."

Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'.

You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?

Out entering wet shawl contests.

Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

I mean, life is tough.

It takes up a lot of your time.

What do you get at the end of it?

A death. What's that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way.

Then you live in an old age home.

You get kicked out when you're too young,

you get a gold watch, you got to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,

you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.

Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?

Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house.

I live in Los Angeles.

I already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.

I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.

And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Award Shows:

Can you believe how many award shows they have now?

They have awards for commercials.

The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials.

I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?

Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know".

It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know."

"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW!

(hangs up, looking proud)

Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."

This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?

"Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'"

Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...

Speaking of being positive, your test is back.

Stop sharing the love."

Thank,topper, ROFLMAO...really enjoyed this...

THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN

1. A ceiling fan motor is not strong enough to spin a seven year old wearing a cape.

2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four wall of a 20 by 20 foot room.

3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh,"it's already too late.

4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock eventhough a 36 year- old man says they can only do it in the movies.

6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

8. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

9. Super glue is forever.

10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

13. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TVc ommercials show they do.

14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.

16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

17. It will however make cats dizzy.

18. Cats vomit twice their body weight when dizzy.

lol and very cute,thanks to topper for submission

Paycheck

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months.

He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.

"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake.

But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Tuesday, February 9th, 1999

Subject: Not another virus!

Virus Warning: Watch out for Badtimes:

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.

Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW

THIS WEEKS JOKEBAR AWARD GOES TO LIANA FOR ONE "OUT OF HAND" LOL...JUST KEPT ME LAUGHING THE MORE IT WENT ON...

If Men Planned Weddings...

If Men Planned Weddings...

There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car.

Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".

There would be "Tailgate Receptions".

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party.

The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.

Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.

Invitations would read as follow... Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain... He's getting married. He either:

A) knocked her up

B) couldn't get a different roommate or

C) caved in to her ultimatum.

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium on the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game.

Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for Beer, Nachos and Pizza.

Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B.

Q. Who sends a thousand cards on valentines day signed "Guess who?"

A. A divorce lawyer

Q. What's the perfect "Breakup Gift" to give to someone for valentines Day?

A. A Copy of the book "Sex for Dummies"

In India, 14th November is celebrated as Children's Day

(It is dedicated in the memory of the first Prime Minister who loved children)

A kid was asked "Why 14th November is celebrated as Children's day ?"

He replied with a smirk,

"Because it is 9 months after Valentine's day"

How to say..... "I LOVE YOU" in Different Languages

(Read to the bottom)

_____________________________

English...........I Love You

Spanish.......... Te Amo

French........... Je T'aime

German.......... Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu

Italian.......... Ti Amo

Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni

Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig

Eskimo.......... Nagligivaget

Greek............ S'Agapo

Hawaiian....... Aloha Wau la Oe

Irish............. Thaim In Grabh Leat

Hebrew......... Ani Ohev Otakh

Russian........ Ya Lyublyu Tyebya

Albanian....... Une Te Dua

Finnish......... Mina Rakkastan Sinua

Turkish........ Seni Seviyorum

Hungarian...... Se Ret Lay

Persian....... Du Stet Daram

Maltese....... Jien Inhobbok

Catalan...... Testimo Molt

Redneck .... Nice Boobs

INTERPRETING DREAMS

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled

"The Meaning of Dreams"

Bill Clinton�s Valentines

_

How do I love thee?

Let me count the entries in the White House visitors' log.

Date Night

This guy has four daughters who all live at home.

One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.

A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim.

Can I come in?" The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.

A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers.

A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Joe.I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show.Can she go?"

The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." the two depart.

Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers.

A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck.." The father shot him.

Thank you for your submission...mikee!!!(but quit being lazy and using the ones that are emailed to you...hmmm...hehe)

Dining Out

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't.

My husband just walked in the door."

Here is ...hmmm...another submission from mikee!!!

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But it takes a long time because the light bulb has to WANT to change.

There's the story about the man that walks into a house of ill repute in Reno and says, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who'll come into the desert with me and do it MY way."

One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert.

After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him "Just what is your way?"

"On credit."

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him...

"Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."

Seems this Russian wine exporter was trying to get his product past a bureaucrat who insisted on a payoff. The bureaucrat quoted a figure of $10,000 to let the shipment past his checkpoint. The exporter replied that the price seemed a little high -- as for only $2000 he could have the bureacrat killed. The wine made it thru just fine.

A couple of quickies:

Two old men are comparing their sex lives:

Man 1: I can still do it twice!

Man 2: Which time do you enjoy the most?

Man 1: I think the winter.

Then this guy walked up to the lady behind the counter and said, "Do you keep stationery?"

She said, "Well, right up to the last minute, then my toes curl up and I turn into an animal."

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